If I'm not supposed to pay his bills what do I do about crt fees?

[whyamistaying]

He owes $2,600. He went to court today and I told him to ask for payments. He said the min they will take is $225/month or go to the judge and ask for jail.

So that is PER MONTH
$225 - court fees
$100 - DUI school
$50 - probation officer

He gets $60 week for food. Should I say no more $60 and pack your lunches? Obviously he spends that money on beer. Or what do you do when you are married. Al Anon says not to pay his bills and I don't want to.

[smacked]

I think he's a grown adult who put himself in this situation, and can figure it out for himself.

[gerryP]

Uh boy Why....

I hope for yours and your childrens sake, enough will be enough for you very soon.

[Ago]

Doesn't he have a job?

I seem to remember him riding his bicycle to his job

let him pay his own fines with his own money?

[Bernadette]

Is the only household income the income from his job and so you feel like it is his money?

If $60 is all you guys have left after the care and feeding of the family and the family expenses are taken care of then it looks like he will have to choose between the only reasonable available options: jail or a 2nd and 3rd job that he can put the income towards the fines. I mean, what other option is there????

peace-
b

[LaTeeDa]

As long as you are married, his debts are your debts. I learned that one the hard way. Staying married to an alcoholic for the money is crazy. Being an alcoholic is very expensive. By the time I left my husband, we had over $30K in credit card debt. I have finally, 4 years later, dug myself out of the financial hole he had us in. It will almost certainly get worse.

I second what gerry said. I hope you reach your bottom soon...............

L

[whyamistaying]

Thanks all. Yes he has a job full time. I have a part time job. We have about $150 buffer every month after all bills are paid and after his $60/week. So we don't have an extra $400/month for this.

I told him the $225 would have to come out of his $60. He refuses. Says he needs to eat and won't pack his lunches. Said he will get a loan. Said that before, but won't. Said he will get a 2nd job, but he won't.

The clerk said he could go back to the judge and ask for jail time instead of fees, but he won't do that. Said he will lose his job.

So that is $400/month NOW. In April, when he is elligible for his license...he will have to pay $75 for an ignition lock/mon and $300/mon for insurance. So due to his alcoholism, it will cost him almost $800/month.

[Cowgirl1265]

If you separated your finances, would you have enough to live on, just you and the kids?

[whyamistaying]

Originally Posted by Cowgirl1265

If you separated your finances, would you have enough to live on, just you and the kids?

I make enough to pay the mortgage. But that is it. His 2 paychecks are equal to my 1 paycheck.

The kids and I are heading to the park to get away from him and so they have a good time.

[Jazzman]

Sounds like you and the kids need to get away permanently so you can have a good life.

[naive]

i would not do anything about resolving this. let him figure it out or not.

i would not even discuss it any longer with him.

i would not have advised him what to do at court.

i would step all the way back from this and when queried, say something like:

"hmmm."
"oh?"
"dear me"

i would give him his $60 and let him drink it or pay his fine with it or whatever.

at the end of the day, he'll go to jail if he doesn't sort it out. that could be quite helpful to you, at least buy you some time.

[gerryP]

Whyamistaying,

Naive makes a good point. "At the end of the day he'll go to jail if he doesn't sort it out...", or...you will find a way to step in at the 11th hour to save the day. My dear I see you continually in 'damage control mode'. What are you trying so desperately to save...?

I don't think any of us like reading what has been your life since you came to SR and things don't look to be even shifting for the better, they are clearly getting worse. You won't be able to make your husband do anything I'm afraid. Change is an inside job and unfortunately and painfully for you I imagine, is the fact that your husband does *not* see the seriousness of his legal issues and likely never will. Everything is your problem to work through and find ways to keep all the balls in the air....and....*you* are still doing it, even if in some cases, in a round about way.

Is half your pay cheque as his contribution to your family worth killing yourself to keep this all together?

By the way, congratulations on everything you are doing for *yourself* Anon, reading etc. all that you mentioned in another post.

Cheers.

[sapphire69]

I am sorry I may be naive when it comes to this type of legal stuff, but his DUI, his fines and his punishment. I really don't think you are on the hook for his legal fines. I would highly suggest getting some legal counsel on that. Don't pay his fees just take care of you and the kids. I don't think YOU will be the one in trouble if they don't get paid.

[whyamistaying]

Got it. Thank you all. I said make payments because we don't have that cash and I wasn't about to put it on the credit card. If I didn't say that, believe me, he would have charged the entire thing. He did that in court 2 weeks ago and charged $200 without telling me. He doesn't care about money.

We are in a community property state, so I am 1/2 responsible for his debts while we are married. If I were to divorce him now, it takes 6 months to be legally/financially separated. So until then, I have to pay all community property.

I have my Al Anon meeting tonight too at 7:30 p.m. I need to go. He has been drinking today.

[LaTeeDa]

If you are in CA, you can get temporary orders for child support that cover those six months.

Looking at it from here, six more months of being financially liable sounds a lot better than forever.

L

[sapphire69]

ah, I understand the credit card thing, but if the credit card were to mysteriously disappear......I dont think the actual court fees could be attached to YOU.

[Daisy30]

When my AH got his DUI I told him it was "his", I don't want to know a thing about it and don't ask me for anything.

He figured it out.

[whyamistaying]

I went to my meeting tonight. A lady and I were talking and she suggested I go to an open AA meeting with her on Friday nights...that it will give me hope. I have never gone to an AA meeting, so I think I might give it a go. She said the stories you hear are amazing. We're going to go together along with one other lady.

As for AH, he came downstairs and asked me if I went to the bank to get him money. I told him no, that I thought he was going to use his money for the court. He said no. That I wouldn't have to pay the court fees, but he needs his money. Blah blah.

I had $10 he said he will use that as his allowance but that isn't enough so is taking the credit card too.

I don't even care anymore. I don't.

[NoelleR]

Debts such as credit card debts, other banking debts such as mortgages and loans, and any debts that fall to collection agencies; the collection of all these debts fall under federal guidelines, and all debts incurred during a marriage are considered 'marital debts.' It doesn't matter if one lives in a community property state as these debts collections are federal. The only slight solution (part-way, at least) is if in the order of divorce the debts are specified, and who is responsible for each debt is also specified, but even then sometimes, if the responsible person cannot be located by the collection people, they will try to collect from whomever they can find (I've know too many women who've been stuck with lost ex-husband's debts.....some having to pay as much as $70,000.00 if only to get/keep their own credit scores and ratings manageable.

Others have mentioned it, and I reiterate......get some specific legal advice, and then follow it.....once you start going down the financial, marital, rabbit hole, it can be a very dark and dangerous climb up and out.....


NoelleR

[Jadmack25]

Honey, you don't have a husband or partner, just a lousy, selfish freeloader, who is sucking money and life from you and your children.
He is not supporting his family, as he is too busy supporting his drinking habit and the alcohol industry.
Now comes more debt and he doesn't care if his family has to go without, as long as he does not. It is not going to change from his side, only when YOU make a stand and sparate yourself and those kids from him and his selfish, noncaring presence legally, will you end this nightmare.

Please get some legal advice to protect yourself from his debts, before you and your family have nothing left, which is when he will probably run off to find another someone to pay his way for him.

My heart bleeds for your, but especially for those children.

God bless

[naive]

dear me.

i hope you don't give up.

is there somewhere you and the kids can go? like go and live with your parents?

at this stage, if i was you, i would need to just clear out of there and be around some sane, sober people and get my head on straight. i know you have a job and the kids might have school, but your on a ship that's sinking and it might be time to jump to safety?

[Daisy30]

You set a boundary with money. Try the best you can to stick to it. keep moving forward ((((())))))

[gerryP]

Oh Jeeze.... :-(

Please don't give up caring about yourself and children Whyami....I know it's easy to feel like giving up when things get to this stage and things seem hopeless. This is wearing you thin, you can see this? I'm sorry....

Now you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start telling yourself that there is a new Sheriff in town! That you're not going to accept this excuse of a life anymore and take back your power! Use that energy and resolve I *know* you have that makes you get things done and put it into getting yourself free of this for once and for all. He may be able to bend you Why...but he ain't going to break you!

GRRRRRRRR!!

[Bernadette]

A lady and I were talking and she suggested I go to an open AA meeting with her on Friday nights...that it will give me hope.

There is much hope at AA meetings. But it only actually exists for the people in that room working that program. Because they have made a choice to ask some people for help and to accept that help.

And, for us codies, hope is not a plan!

I am inspired, moved to tears sometimes by the stories of alcoholics who have recovered (my own father for one!) but it is a short hop from there to thinking about my brothers and their struggles and their repeatedly going to the lowest possible places due to alcohol....and then I get "hopeful" or excited that there is hope for them and then....before I know it time has gone by, maybe hours, maybe weeks, nothing has changed and I feel depressed because my fantasies of their recovery all go down in my mind.

So, again, there is nothing wrong with feeling hopeful - but for me - because of my old codie habits of mind - that can quickly translate into an expectation, and a whole lot of wasted time and emotion on other people's problems. Energy better spent paying attention to my own problems and hammering out a real plan to change my own self, my own life.

peace-
b

[smacked]

Thank you Bernadette for saying what I was thinking!

The recommendation that you find some hope at an AA meeting would mean something if your hubby was actively working the AA program, sober and committed to it.

I know a lot of things out there in this world that are great and better than what I have, but I sure as hell don't get much life satisfaction out of window shopping.