Quick.question-Help

[veryregretful]

Okay my AH has been living away from the house for over two weeks. I'm having a problem with my wedding rings. My husband took his off the day he left. Mine are still on. I don't know why. We are married still but not together because he is still actively drinking. In a way I want them off. I don't want to be reminded. Either way I think I'll be reminded of this marriage and his alcoholism. I know this is really insignificant but I would like to hear your replies.

This is a wicked stupid question, but while you were estranged from your A did you take your rings off?

I feel if I take them off then my marraige is over. If I leave them on then I feel like I'm married but he's not with me nor has he been for a long time even though he was at the house.

I know this is a very stupid question but let me know what you did. It would help me think about what I should do about them.

thank you and wish all a good day!!!!!

[Still Waters]

Well...hrm.

I was busy working on the house when I left, and had taken mine off while I was sanding and painting. I remember thinking "don't forget your rings!", but I forgot them. This upset me a lot at the time, but it's just another thing I can't do a thing about now.

It's a totally personal thing....but legally speaking you are married until a divorce is final.

[honoryourself]

I don't take my rings off when we fight, but my AH likes to take his off and throw it across the room or leave it out so I can see that he's not wearing it. When he goes to work it magically reappears on his finger because he doesn't want to look like a d-bag.

I think it's all ridiculous. We are not estranged but I am still wearing my rings. I guess I probably would wear them until I was divorced but I don't really know....
Mostly because I wouldn't want to start answering questions? I'd probably do whatever gave me the least amount of external BS to deal with..

[honoryourself]

Don't a lot of divorcees wear some other kind of ring on their ring finger instead? Like because they are so used to the wedding rings, but don't wear those any more? Maybe that's an option..

[Cowgirl1265]

Its a question only you can answer. I would not presume to tell you whether or not you should wear your wedding rings! I think its a matter of personal choice.

I stopped wearing mine before we were separated. I didn't do it to make my H upset, but wearing was just something I do not feel that I want to do, for many reasons. Someday I will probably have the ring resized for another finger, since we had non-traditional bands and it is a pretty ring.

[honoryourself]

Cowgirl I like your signature line. It helps remind me why I have to keep moving.

[Ajax]

Don't know if this will help or not but when my ex and I were seperated
I wore my wedding band but on a different finger. I can't explain why,
but some part of me had to honor that marriage until it was officially
over. He took his ring off as soon as I told him I wanted a divorce.

I suppose if it hadn't have fit on another finger, I would have worn it on
a chain. It was just symbolic for me...

Now the engagement ring is a whole other ball of wax! :P

[Thumper]

If you can believe it I haven't even thought about it.?! I have mine on. If things go as planned we'll be divorced this week. We are still living in the same house right now. :terrible.idea:

It never occurred to me to take it off till just now. I don't want him to have it so I'm leaving it on until he leaves :P. Maybe I'll get the stones reset into a different ring. All four of my kids were born in April so I can use the diamonds in a mothers ring.

[tigger11]

AH took his off when I started going to Alanon, and he said he was done and leaving town. I took my engagement ring off because all those fluffy promises weren't kept. But I still have the wedding ring on because we're still married. I don't want anybody at work or anywhere else asking me why I don't have a ring on. I've chosen carefully the people to tell that he's leaving. Mostly this site, Alanon, my boss, closest friends and limited family. Also, I don't want anybody assuming I'm "available". There are enough complications in my life without that. If/when we divorce, I'll take it off.

That said, I agree that it's a personal decision.

[Bernadette]

I took mine off a few months into the separation and before the divorce became final. After the divorce my ExH gave me his ring too! I have the bands and my emerald engagement ring saved in case our sons want them....it will be up to them...we can have a laugh about whether the rings are cursed or not, but I figure I'll tell the boys that whatever brought their father and I together to create them was a good thing so they can take those rings in good faith....
b

[nowinsituation]

I quit wearing mine shortly after we separated. I bought myself a different ring (my birthstone) and wear it on my right hand; my own symbol of my rebirth.

[PurpleSquirrel]

Maybe you could put them on a necklace until you can decide what you want to do....?

[Blondie]

It is not a stupid question. You will know when the time is right for YOU to take off your ring or not.

After I left my alcoholic husband I was in a state of moarning for a marriage that was lost and didn't know what to do either. Use Mrs or Ms, wear my ring or not, etc, etc. I was torn and depressed for quite a while, but it passed. It takes time, just be patient with yourself. Maybe that is the case for you too. I don't know, just my experience.

[Lilly Burn]

I have to say I sold my wedding ring for scrap weeks after my AH left me. I still faff around deciding which rings to wear on what fingers, keep buying new ones, filling gaps etc...I couldnt keep my wedding ring, he so broke our vows, what was the point...I found it quite uplifting to put the money in my pocket and spent it on a different ring for a different finger. Each to their own, its terribly personal and terribly sad. Lilly x

[Jadmack25]

I kept wearing my rings until 3 years after he divorced me, and only took them off when I met and became interested in the man who has been my ABF for 19 years (off and on).
I changed back to my maiden name, but kept the Mrs title, as I felt I earned it over 27 years of marriage, plus being a Miss with 3 grown kids and 5 grandkids seemed weird.

God bless

[veryregretful]

Thanks for all the replies. I still have them on. Maybe because I have hope that he will come to his senses and get help but definately not keeping my fingers crossed.

I was just curious on to what everyone did with their rings while estranged. They are symbolic and I haven't made up my mind yet on what to do. Maybe tomorrow I'll take them off and go to work and see if it makes any difference on how I feel. I like the rings because they are diamonds so if it doesn't work out then maybe I will take the stones out and put them into another setting don't know.

I feel also that if I take them off it's final. My AH took his off the day he chose to drink. Didn't bother me much because I know he was waiting for a reaction from me. I do think that if I were to take mine off he would notice and react.

Anyways, thanks for the responses and for today they will be on. Tomorrow maybe I'll try and not where them.

[Thumper]

Do whatever feels best for you at the moment.

I thought I'd take mine off to see what my naked hand looked like.

I discovered what I need to do first. Go on a diet I think mine will be on a tad longer.

[JACKRUSSELLGIRL]

I went through the ring thing too. I decided for my 20th to buy a new ring and trade in the old. I kept the band that is engraved and blessed. I think this is hard because you are not ready to give up on your marriage yet, but you know you might have to.

I now wear a thick band with diamonds in it, oppose to the big single stoned diamond I had. I guess I feel this ring gives me peace for some reason and if things change I will put back on the precious band. When you are going through active addiction, it doesn't feel like a marriage. To me a marriage is Love, respect, honesty (spl), have fun with your partner and enjoying each other and life. Boy, do I miss all that!!!

[veryregretful]

Today I took them off. My hand looks naked but I'm so angry with hiim right now that I don't feel I could keep them on and remind myself of the vows we took and we have been married almost 20 years. He called tonight trashed trashing me about not answering his phone call but i honestly did hear mycell phone ring. he wouldn't let me talk ( i was talking calmly) he was saying how i wanted to talk wth him to see what we can do to try and work this out. he was looking forward to talking but today since he was trashed he changed everything around saying i made my choice not to talk with him. I called him on a few things he got more angry and then hung up on me. This was all because i at first called hiim and calmly asked if was going to bring some money for the kids. like child support. to much to right here but because of tonight i decided to take them off. We'll see how I feel tomorrow before I make my descision.

thank you all for your replies.

Take care

[isurvived]

I took mine off when we separated. Then I pawned them, and sent him the receipt.

I know.... nasty.

[PHIZ007]

This has been an interesting thread and a few of the replies made me smile!....whatever is right for you at this very moment is the right thing to do.....they are a symbol and for me a very important one...but actually since losing twelve kilos mine don't always stay on as my fingers have got thinner!! My husband lost his wedding ring two years ago now and hasn;t as yet replaced it! Um...now there's a thought....now that I making plans to leave he will probably replace it! (Grin! grin!)...you know? to throw me off track!! Phiz