Letting go of friendships

[Lavash]

In the last 7 yrs of my life, I've walked away from 4 very close long term friendships I've had. All these people were toxic on so many levels. Only one of these 4 was an addict
Not sure why I chose the friends I did, since I didn't come from a troubled family nor do my family or two sisters have any toxic people in their life.
I've always been the one who wants to save. I've saved stray cats (and still do) since I was 6.

In any case, since being in Al Anon and facing recovery with a BF in recovery, I may have to let go of this one friend I've been best friends with since we were 12 (we are now both 43).
We've been there for each other through some really tragic/horrible times, but since facing my own denials, I can no longer deny how toxic she is to me. I may have to walk away. She's an alcoholic and does the most bizarre things.
My thinking at times is very black and white, so not sure if I need to detach with "love" or just totally walk away.



Have anyone else had to face this or is facing this?

[veryregretful]

My AH has been gone for over 2 weeks and is staying at my friends house. Her boyfriend and my husband are friends. her boyfriend has bipolar and a frontal lobe injury so he is not all there. He drinks some but in no means an alcoholic. but in his mind he thinks it's great that he has a buddy to stay with them.

My friend who will probably be my xfriend because she knows all about the verbal abuse he put me and the kids through. My AH has also vebally abused her son when he was drunk and strangled her boyfriend one night. She has seen how verbally abusive he is to not only us but to basically everyone. In my opinion I just don't understand how she can have him stay there when she says we are best friends. I know she is in a difficult position but it is her house and she like to drink and sit by the fire outside. She has a 20 year old living there (her friends son) her boyfriends brother and her 15 year old son. I think that if they didn't let him in he may have hit his bottom quicker if he is ever going to stop drinking. His own brother wouldn't let him stay there as long as he was drinking. I know the relationship I have with her will stop because even when my AH was sober for 8 months they still brought alcohol around and drank. We would go out to eat and her boyfriend would order a beer knowing well that my AH was trying not to drink. I don't think they were really good friends. I can't say my friend is an alcoholic but I can say that I do feel betrayed by her. I do call her and she doesn't return my calls. I know she doesn't want to be in the middle but she is having my AH staying there and I'm not calling to see what he does. I could actually care less at this moment. Maybe the first week we were seperated but not now.

I just think I may have to let go of our friendship and find someone other friends that will respect what we are doing. If my AH decides to get sober then maybe he'll come home but I think our friendship will dwindle because I think they are toxic as they will drink around my AH. I wouldn't do it because I thought if I didn't i was supoprting him. He lasted 8 months sober then off the wagon. worse than before.

I do feel betrayed and I think it is definately a toxic relationship because they like to party and have tons of people around that like to drink. Not a good environment for even my children.

I may not have helped but that is what I am experiencing now. My other friends really don't drink so I don't think I have to let them go. I just alienated myelf from them because of my AH and now I have to try and get my friends back. He would want to hang out with them because they do not really drink and he would say he was bored so we didn't go back to visit.
hugs!!

[sapphire69]

My sister read this to me yesterday, I found it very helpful and I think you may too.

LIFE IS A THEATER
Invite Your Audience Carefully
Not everyone is healthy enough to have a front row seat in our lives.
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a DISTANCE.
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of, or at least
minimize your time with, draining, negative, incompatible,
not-going-anywhere relationships/friendships.
Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention.
Which ones lift and which ones lean?
Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?
When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?
Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know or appreciate you?
The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of Your Life.
"If you cannot change the people around you, CHANGE the people you are around."
Remember that the people we hang with will have an impact on both our lives and our income. And so we must be careful to choose the people we hang out with, as well as the information with which we feed our minds.
We should not share our dreams with negative people, Nor feed our dreams with negative thoughts.
It's your choice and your life..... It's up to you who and what you let in it......

[splendra]

I have a very dear friend who most likely is an alcoholic but does not realize it she is very secretive about her drinking I have never seen her drunk even but, one day she called and asked me to go over to her house and pick up a spare set of keys for her because she had locked herself out of her car. She told me she had the keys hidden in a cabinet I accidentally opened the wrong cabinet and was amazed to see this cabinet completely ram jamed full of all kinds of liquors! As I walked back to my car with her keys I noticed 2 recycle bins completely full of liquor and wine bottles.
This person has a very disorganized life which she blames on being ADD and dyslexic. but, hey when I saw all that liquor I realized it could be the booze having some influence on her. She also has very toxic relationships with 2 different men and seems to live a double life of going to church and being an active part of a church and having these toxic relationships which she keeps hidden from the church.

Needless to say my head was spinning from seeing all the booze. She knows I had a drinking problem years ago and stopped drinking altogether and maybe this is one reason she kept this hidden from me.

I have before seeing the liquor cabinet thought she smelled like booze and even said something to her about it. She usually tells me it is mouth wash and a couple of times told me that she was drinking "rock and rye" to help knock out a cold. I have said things to her like oh I guess you have a cold again. I have seen her looking very hung over and smelling like day old booze before as well.
She is a very complicated and creative person and I know she means to do good. Not long ago she told me she accidentally went to an AA meeting I thought good maybe they will help her sort out her BS.

I hope my friend will get help. I have stopped contact with her several times. Thing is I am the only person who knows most of her whole story and she does call me from time to time for solace and to help her unlock her car and front door when she looses her keys.

So I do understand why you would want to get toxic people out of your life. Detach with love and pray for them and I will too.

[Lavash]

VERY: I'm so sorry about your friend. Have you ever tried to talk to her about how you feel? Does she react or is she responsive?

[Lavash]

Originally Posted by sapphire69

My sister read this to me yesterday, I found it very helpful and I think you may too.

LIFE IS A THEATER
Invite Your Audience Carefully
Not everyone is healthy enough to have a front row seat in our lives.
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a DISTANCE.
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of, or at least
minimize your time with, draining, negative, incompatible,
not-going-anywhere relationships/friendships.
Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention.
Which ones lift and which ones lean?
Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?
When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?
Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know or appreciate you?
The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of Your Life.
"If you cannot change the people around you, CHANGE the people you are around."
Remember that the people we hang with will have an impact on both our lives and our income. And so we must be careful to choose the people we hang out with, as well as the information with which we feed our minds.
We should not share our dreams with negative people, Nor feed our dreams with negative thoughts.
It's your choice and your life..... It's up to you who and what you let in it......

Thanks for this :-)

I've been slowly limiting my time with her.

Which ones lift and which ones lean? She has done both
Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? She has done both
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? again, there is both here.
When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Both
Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know or appreciate you? No drama with her ever, but she does not appreciate me

She has made some amazing strides in her life, but is SO lacking common sense and acts in the most bizarre ways, I just need to back off!

[NYC_Chick]

I thought in another thread you stated that you had grown up in a dysfunctional family andhad wished sometimes you had not been born. I might be thinkg of another person, but if this is true it is likely that this is the reason you pick toxic people. My father is an alcoholic, which is why I began picking toxic, chaotic people to be around.

[sapphire69]

I always seem to pick the people who need to be "saved". I have been called a saint and a martyr. This is something I am trying so hard to get away from. It is not my responsibility to save anyone but myself. At this point, in recovery, you have to ask yourself how is her friendship helping ME? That may sound selfish, but we need to let go, even if temporarily, of the people who drain us of our energy.

[NYC_Chick]

Lavash: I found the post I was talking about. You said your parents, both or one, suffered from anxiety and depression. That might be a good place to start to figure out why you pick toxic people.

[Lavash]

Originally Posted by NYC_Chick

I thought in another thread you stated that you had grown up in a dysfunctional family andhad wished sometimes you had not been born. I might be thinkg of another person, but if this is true it is likely that this is the reason you pick toxic people. My father is an alcoholic, which is why I began picking toxic, chaotic people to be around.

I may have said I wished I was never born, but it was not because I grew up in a dysfunctional home. Wrong person I guess.

[NYC_Chick]

It was in the thread asking why people have children with adicts or alcoholics. Might be worth your review. You obviously said it for a reason, so maybe you can unpack why you said it to help with this.

[veryregretful]

dear lavish,

i have said to her why is he staying there. because of her boyfriend and they can't let a freind stay on the street which i understand. i told her i felt betrayed because he is there and she is not calling me. maybe i'm jealous towards the situation. he has people all around him and i have just myself and my kids. she says she loves me and doesn't want to lose our friendship over this. i'm like a sister to her. i don't want to lose her freindship either but i call and she doesn't call back. i told her i wouldn't be asking questions about my AH so as to not put her in the middle. It just seems she says one thing and does another. I am upset about it. She was basically my only friend. On one hand he may in the room when i call so she won't answer but he can't be with her the whole time. it's just a difficult situation and i still feel they are enabling him by having him stay there. they both themselves say that he needs help. this is all just confusing to me and overwhelming. i'm keeping an open mind and hopefully we'll be able to stay friends after all this is over. Obviously he can't stay there forever.

[Lavash]

Originally Posted by NYC_Chick

Lavash: I found the post I was talking about. You said your parents, both or one, suffered from anxiety and depression. That might be a good place to start to figure out why you pick toxic people.

hmmm, not so sure. My therapist wasn't so sure (when I was in therapy)
My sisters don't pick toxic people nor did my parents.

I never saw my parents anxiety/depression as toxic

[LaTeeDa]

My life was littered with unhealthy relationships, including the alcoholic I married. My therapist pointed out that all these people had at least one thing in common. They all had some sort of relationship with me. I was the common denominator in all the unhealthy relationships I had. Go figure.

Once I stopped trying to figure out what was wrong with everyone else, and started looking at my own behaviors/attitudes/thinking/patterns, I began to make progress. It was such an empowering revelation to find out I could design my life the way I wanted it, rather than be a victim of it. Who knew? LOL

L

[Lavash]

Originally Posted by LaTeeDa

My life was littered with unhealthy relationships, including the alcoholic I married. My therapist pointed out that all these people had at least one thing in common. They all had some sort of relationship with me. I was the common denominator in all the unhealthy relationships I had. Go figure.

Once I stopped trying to figure out what was wrong with everyone else, and started looking at my own behaviors/attitudes/thinking/patterns, I began to make progress. It was such an empowering revelation to find out I could design my life the way I wanted it, rather than be a victim of it. Who knew? LOL

L

That must have been rough to feel like a victim even with friendships. I felt like a victim with my relationships with my s/o's but never friendships. Not sure I could carry that as well.
I always had a balance of "healthy" and "unhealthy" friends.
It just seems the closest friend to me is not so healthy. Though she think she is.

[LaTeeDa]

Oh, I had healthy friends, too. But, like you, I seemed to get much closer to the unhealthy ones.

The point is, cutting toxic people out of your life does nothing to solve the problem of why you have toxic people in your life to begin with..........

L

[normaeinstein]

I also had two very close friends I had to severe ties with. They became obsessed with smoking pot and changed so much. It took me a year or so to realise it was affecting me and it was time to not be friends anymore. It was incredibly hard.

I took think I have a "I must care for everyone and everything"syndrome! I really have to stop (except with the animals)

Good luck

[Lavash]

Originally Posted by LaTeeDa

Oh, I had healthy friends, too. But, like you, I seemed to get much closer to the unhealthy ones.

The point is, cutting toxic people out of your life does nothing to solve the problem of why you have toxic people in your life to begin with..........

L

I never said I got closer to the unhealthy ones?! I'm also very close to the "healthy" ones.

I have to say, it always seems like your posts are trying to shove something at me or in my face.

I REALIZE I have toxic friends and I REALIZE it's ME that choses them.
You always feel this need to point this out to me.

I am NOT you and I don't need you to keep talking around me to try to make me "See" my faults!

God, how annoying! If you really want to help me, talk to me, not at me.

[Lavash]

Originally Posted by normaeinstein

I also had two very close friends I had to severe ties with. They became obsessed with smoking pot and changed so much. It took me a year or so to realise it was affecting me and it was time to not be friends anymore. It was incredibly hard.

I took think I have a "I must care for everyone and everything"syndrome! I really have to stop (except with the animals)

Good luck

It is so hard to cut ties. Like I said above, I did it with 4 friends whom I've known since I was 13. But it had to be done!

I did it one by one, took me 2 months to walk away, That was 3 yrs ago and I never looked back.
Best decisions I never made.

This one friend though, not so simple.

Not sure if I walk away or just detach.

[Cowgirl1265]

Originally Posted by Lavash

She has made some amazing strides in her life, but is SO lacking common sense and acts in the most bizarre ways, I just need to back off!

I have had some changing friendships in the last few months over the course of dealing with my codependency issues. Its really awesome how the help I sought for dealing with my husband has led me to dealing with myself and to seeing my friendships far more clearly as well.

It sounds, Lavash, like the lessons you have been learning with your BF have also opened your eyes to certain behaviors in your friend that you realize are not helpful to you. Loks like you are learning to recognize when you need to let go and detach, and that is so healthy.

As for your perceptions of LTD's words, let me just say that we all offer what we think will help BASED ON OUR OWN EXPERIENCE. Try to take what is most helpful for you and leave the rest. You don't have to be angry with a poster if what they say is not helpful to you; we are each in our own way trying to share our experience so that others might benefit. I don't see any ill intent being offered, just an observation but one that you might find inaccurate. It is OK to say "no, I don't think that fits."

[LaTeeDa]

Originally Posted by Lavash

I never said I got closer to the unhealthy ones?! I'm also very close to the "healthy" ones.

You said your closest friend is an alcoholic and unhealthy.

Originally Posted by Lavash

I have to say, it always seems like your posts are trying to shove something at me or in my face.

In the years I've been on this site, I've learned that the people and posts that upset me the most are the ones that "hit home" the most. I've learned that I react to certain things because of an issue I have, not because of what somebody said to me.

Originally Posted by Lavash

I REALIZE I have toxic friends and I REALIZE it's ME that choses them.
You always feel this need to point this out to me.

But, you say you don't know WHY you choose them. This is the answer will help your recovery, not whether to ignore your friend completely or detach with love.

Originally Posted by Lavash

I am NOT you and I don't need you to keep talking around me to try to make me "See" my faults!

I am simply sharing my ESH, I'm not "talking around you." Take what you like and leave the rest. BTW, I don't see them as "faults." I see them as opportunities to learn and be empowered.

Originally Posted by Lavash

God, how annoying! If you really want to help me, talk to me, not at me.

See above regarding posts that provoke a reaction. I am talking to you, you just don't want to hear what I'm saying.

Peace,
L

[NYC_Chick]

Not trying to get in the middle, but if you listed to what is being said, it has nothing to do with LTD, per se. My therapist also told me the common denominator was me. It is very true. I chose those people. Why? Because I grew up in a chaotic environment. It was all I knew. The more chaos the better. If you look from a quiet place just about everything in life relates to your earliest lessons. So with the common denominator being me, I had to find ways to look back, work through and make different, healthy choices. I have a gear group of friends, none toxic now. I have one friend that left my life in February. I miss her a lot BUT that friendship was turbulent for a multitude of reasons, most of them being that I allowed her to tell me how insecure I was and what I needed in my life, despite the fact that she has never dealt with her own very traumatic issues.

Now I dint think I could be friends with her because I have been through a huge transformation this year and will no longer allow people to treat me the way she did at times. So for what it's worth, you really are the only one who can change how many toxic people are in your life.

[Lavash]

Originally Posted by Cowgirl1265

I have had some changing friendships in the last few months over the course of dealing with my codependency issues. Its really awesome how the help I sought for dealing with my husband has led me to dealing with myself and to seeing my friendships far more clearly as well.

It sounds, Lavash, like the lessons you have been learning with your BF have also opened your eyes to certain behaviors in your friend that you realize are not helpful to you. Loks like you are learning to recognize when you need to let go and detach, and that is so healthy.

thanks for the input. I've known for years her actions were bizarre and in fact, I walked away from her 11 yrs ago. FOR GOOD!
Then 2 yrs into it, she was diagnosed with cancer and given 6 months to live.

A friend called to tell me and I was struggling with the notion of calling her.
Well of course I did call her.
We became friend again. I didn't want her die with any bad blood.
She was then fighting the cancer and winning, and the cancer changed her.
The two yrs she fought cancer and we thought she was going to die, we bonded deeply. Then when I got sick with Lupus 3 yrs ago, she was there for me.

Before she got sick, she was a serious alcoholic, a serial cheater, a high school drop out, an abusive GF to her BF of 19 yrs. Then she stopped everything.
While she was fighting leukemia, she went back to school (have NO clue where she found that strength) and got her PHD and she's now a cancer doctor. My respect and thoughts of her did a 180.
Her whole life turned around.

But in the last year, all her demons have returned and she is bizarre again. She drinks heavily, cheats on her BF, lies and just does ODD things.
She tells me a few months ago she was leaving her BF, she moves 2 hrs away to take some weird job, then tells me two weeks ago, she's booked to leave for hawaii and they are getting married. She is now 1/2 million is debt also.

Her BF is a serious addict and she treats him SO bad!
He tried to kill himself and she went and checked him out of the hospital when they told him he HAD to see the therapist before leaving.
He's reached out to me and my BF for help, but she put a stop to that RIGHT AWAY!

This is only a small view of what she does.

The train is a moving fast and she is out of control. I can't talk to her because she will go nuts! No one can talk to her.

Not sure how to walk away from this one!

It's not just the lessons from Al Anon since I did walk away from very close friend already, but learning the lessons from Al Anon now is making me see it has to be about me.
Not sure how to detach and make this about me

[Lavash]

Originally Posted by NYC_Chick

Not trying to get in the middle, but if you listed to what is being said, it has nothing to do with LTD, per se. My therapist also told me the common denominator was me. It is very true. I chose those people. Why? Because I grew up in a chaotic environment. It was all I knew. The more chaos the better. If you look from a quiet place just about everything in life relates to your earliest lessons. So with the common denominator being me, I had to find ways to look back, work through and make different, healthy choices. I have a gear group of friends, none toxic now. I have one friend that left my life in February. I miss her a lot BUT that friendship was turbulent for a multitude of reasons, most of them being that I allowed her to tell me how insecure I was and what I needed in my life, despite the fact that she has never dealt with her own very traumatic issues.

Now I dint think I could be friends with her because I have been through a huge transformation this year and will no longer allow people to treat me the way she did at times. So for what it's worth, you really are the only one who can change how many toxic people are in your life.

Funny, maybe I am overly sensitive today but feel like you're assuming things about me when I was very clear above I already walked away from other friend I know were toxic.
I know I need to change the toxic people in my life.

I didn't ask to be told I am the common denominator, since I already know this, I asked how can I walk away or detach from this one friend.

And again, I NEVER had a chaotic childhood or upbringing.
I cannot connect it to that in the least.

[Lavash]

Originally Posted by LaTeeDa

See above regarding posts that provoke a reaction. I am talking to you, you just don't want to hear what I'm saying.

Peace,
L

you're right so best I put you on ignore.