Letting go of friendships

[NYC_Chick]

You can walk away and detach when you decide your life is more important than te toxic person's life. I know I am more at peace than I have ever been after having made this choice, not just with friend but xabf.

Since you already know the common denominator is you, now you can focus on how you ended up continually picking toxic people.

Best of luck in your journey.

[LaTeeDa]

Originally Posted by Lavash

Funny, maybe I am overly sensitive today but feel like you're assuming things about me when I was very clear above I already walked away from other friend I know were toxic.

I can't speak for NYCChick, but I can say that yes, I absolutely assume some things about you. There are so many red flags in your posts, it's impossible not to.

You say you are nothing like me, but half the things you type could have been typed by me three years ago, lol.

Controlling behavior towards BF
Black and white thinking
Refusing to admit you may be the cause of your own problems
Looking for external validation

I could go on, but I'm on ignore anyway. Luckily plenty of people read this forum and are open to learning, even if you are not.

L

[Lavash]

Originally Posted by NYC_Chick

You can walk away and detach when you decide your life is more important than te toxic person's life. I know I am more at peace than I have ever been after having made this choice, not just with friend but xabf.

Since you already know the common denominator is you, now you can focus on how you ended up continually picking toxic people.

Best of luck in your journey.

I found a lot of peace when I walked away from other toxic friends, but this one, well not sure it's going to be easy

[NYC_Chick]

I never said it would be easy. Walking away from x friend was and still is hard. We had many great times together and even traveled half around the world together.I miss the jokes and laughing, but don't miss the passive/aggressive put downs or the guilt for making choices she did not agree with or the constant pity party she threw for herself. She had it much better than some people.

Like your friend, she has been through some traumatic stuff. She was kidknaped at a young age and sexually assaulted. It is horrible to think about what she went through and can't imagine having gone through anything similar, but it does not give her license to put others down or treat them badly. I think about the defenseless 6 year old she was and hurt for her, but I could not allow myself to be continually hurt either because I now value myself far more than that. I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make.

Also, we are here trying to help. I don't think anyone is attacking you. I know for myself that if I am triggered it usually means there is something below the surface I need to work on. It's just my opinion and if you don't agree so be it, but I know when I fist got here I needed to hear everything I was reading.

[Cowgirl1265]

Originally Posted by Lavash

The train is a moving fast and she is out of control. I can't talk to her because she will go nuts! No one can talk to her.

Not sure how to walk away from this one!

It's not just the lessons from Al Anon since I did walk away from very close friend already, but learning the lessons from Al Anon now is making me see it has to be about me.
Not sure how to detach and make this about me

Your friend sounds like she is in for a hard crash and that is hard to see. Your instinct to move away seems to be self-preservation.

I have been learning that a set boundary doesn't have to be communicated in words. As far as making the detachment about yourself, instead of thinking about what the other person is doing, how they are feeling, where their train is headed, try turning the thought instead to YOU. How do YOU feel when you talk to this friend? How do you feel when you consider her actions?

When I start focusing on my own feelings and reactions I accomplish two things: First, I am detaching from the other person simply by not focusing on them any longer. Second, I am able to understand more about myself and my own triggers, figuring out why some things cause me to have strong reactions and responses.

[Lavash]

Originally Posted by Cowgirl1265

Your friend sounds like she is in for a hard crash and that is hard to see. Your instinct to move away seems to be self-preservation.

I have been learning that a set boundary doesn't have to be communicated in words. As far as making the detachment about yourself, instead of thinking about what the other person is doing, how they are feeling, where their train is headed, try turning the thought instead to YOU. How do YOU feel when you talk to this friend? How do you feel when you consider her actions?

When I start focusing on my own feelings and reactions I accomplish two things: First, I am detaching from the other person simply by not focusing on them any longer. Second, I am able to understand more about myself and my own triggers, figuring out why some things cause me to have strong reactions and responses.

This is where I'm trying to move to, not putting the focus on her.
We used to talk daily, we may talk every 2 weeks now.

It's putting over 25 yrs to rest and I am really hurt by it

[Lavash]

Originally Posted by NYC_Chick

I never said it would be easy. Walking away from x friend was and still is hard. We had many great times together and even traveled half around the world together.I miss the jokes and laughing, but don't miss the passive/aggressive put downs or the guilt for making choices she did not agree with or the constant pity party she threw for herself. She had it much better than some people.

Like your friend, she has been through some traumatic stuff. She was kidknaped at a young age and sexually assaulted. It is horrible to think about what she went through and can't imagine having gone through anything similar, but it does not give her license to put others down or treat them badly. I think about the defenseless 6 year old she was and hurt for her, but I could not allow myself to be continually hurt either because I now value myself far more than that. I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make.

Also, we are here trying to help. I don't think anyone is attacking you. I know for myself that if I am triggered it usually means there is something below the surface I need to work on. It's just my opinion and if you don't agree so be it, but I know when I fist got here I needed to hear everything I was reading.

I never said it gave her "license" to act this way?! I told her story of cancer to express how it bonded us!

Yes, I agree, some here are trying to help, some are not. I don't need to hear everything, only the things that are helpful.

[peaceteach]

I believe NYC was referring to HER friend when she said the "license" comment.

I don't see anything in this thread that I can perceive as intentionally being hurtful. As someone who has been through the wringer myself with A's and toxic friends, I see honest, straight-forward telling of personal experiences in hopes of sharing the ESH with newcomers who are just starting to become aware of how we suffer in many relationships when we are codependent, not just with a spouse or SO. Most of the direct and honest responses have also been written in the first person "I" format that was discussed on another thread, again, in order to not be TELLING the other person what to do, but just to share what has worked or not worked for us as individuals.

When I'm really upset by someone else's words, I find it helpful to step back and consider why. And to give it the 24 hour rule. Helps me to settle down and not be hurtful back unnecessarily, to figure out if response is necessary, or to see if maybe, just maybe, they are onto something I need to think more about.

[DesertEyes]

Easy does it folks. How about everybody takes a day off, gets some fresh air and unwinds a little.

Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery