How?

[Tansy]

My dh drank for 13 years of our marriage - for hours and hours each day and had liveners on getting up each morning. He was totally closed off and nothing like the man I married. He was out of work. Things came to a head ( everyone will have heard it all before so I will spare you the details ) and I booted him out. He left and has never drank a drop since! He also has a job. I am gutted I made him that miserable he felt the urge to get blotto every single day. I feel rejected in a way I can't even explain. He is fine now and admits getting drunk each day was a choice he made and now he chooses not too. I was like gee thanks a lot. Why didn't the just leave instead of putting me and our children through all that upset? I feel like he was calculated in a nasty way that and once I was angry but now it just makes me feel like crying. He says he still loves me but cannot live with me.( the kids have SEN and he cannot handdle it cos he isn't grown up enough ) He wanted different things. All the stuff he said makes sense now he is sober but I am still in shock at what he did to get free. I thought he couldn't help it.

[Pelican]

Welcome to the SR family, Tansy!

You will find support and information here. Please share as much as you need and ask questions.

Can I ask how long has he been sober? How long has he had a job?

[LucyA]

Maybe you booting him out was his bottom. Nothing you did or didn't do made him drink, even he said it was his choice.
From where I'm standing it seems you both have a lot to be grateful for, apologies if you don't see it that way it's my own experience that makes it seem so.
Welcome to SR and take care x

[Tansy]

Can I ask how long has he been sober? How long has he had a job?

A few weeks. He got the job 3 days after moving out. I am shocked and I know he could fall off the wagon but he was never sober more than 3 hours at a time when here. I asked people if it was true and it is. I am shocked. He has changed.

[Tansy]

Maybe you booting him out was his bottom. Nothing you did or didn't do made him drink, even he said it was his choice.
From where I'm standing it seems you both have a lot to be grateful for, apologies if you don't see it that way it's my own experience that makes it seem so.

I maybe will feel grateful but at the moment I feel a bit cheated. I am glad he has stopped for his sake. I am glad for his son's sake. I suppose I ma sorry I had ot boot him out for it to happen and I know full well he can never come back cos the same will happen again.

Welcome to SR and take care x

Thanks x

[Pelican]

Thanks for sharing more information about your AH (Alcoholic Husband).
Some alcoholics are able to put down the drink and never go back. Their done. period. Some alcoholics have to keep picking it back up and prove to themselves that they are powerless over alcohol, repeatedly.

I hope his sobriety is long-term for the sake of his children and family. If he is able to stay sober and support himself, he may be able to help you financially.

How about you, Tansy?
Have you attended any Alanon meetings? Have you considered private counseling?

One of the first things I learned at Alanon and here at SR was the three C's:

You did not cause him to drink
You can not control his drinking
You will not cure his drinking

His drinking everyday had nothing to do with you. An alcoholic will blame their enabler for taking a breath just to justify another drink. An alcoholic will blame the sky for being too blue to justify another drink. Don't take his toxic words and actions personally. His toxic words and actions are his to own. Let him keep them. You can put them right down and walk away from the toxic words and actions. You have better things to do with yourself!

I got so caught up in trying to control my household and keep everything in check that I forgot to take care of myself. I was constantly trying to control situations so the alcoholic wouldn't over react, over indulge, and trying to communicate to the children why daddy gets mad, etc. I was exhausted trying to take care of everything and everyone.

I discovered I was co-dependent. I was caught up in trying to control everything and everyone, but neglecting to take care of the only thing I really had control over - myself. I read a book by Melody Beattie called "Codependent No More". I saw myself in those pages. I began to make changes in my life so that I can take better care of ME. I still am trying to remember where my responsibilities end and where another person's begins. It's called keeping my side of the street clean. I have to let other adults keep their side of the street however they like!

I hope you will stick around and read some of the sticky posts at the top of this forum. You will read a lot of our stories and understand that you are not alone. We're here to support you!

[trapeze]

Hi Tansy!

One think I've tried to do is slow myself down when it comes to my AH, who is now in recovery. Everything I've heard and read is that recovery doesn't occur in a few days or weeks, but is a long term process with ups and downs. Here's hoping it goes smoothly for your husband.

You didn't cause him to drink. Period.

Good luck. Please keep posting.