How?

[Tansy]

My dh drank for 13 years of our marriage - for hours and hours each day and had liveners on getting up each morning. He was totally closed off and nothing like the man I married. He was out of work. Things came to a head ( everyone will have heard it all before so I will spare you the details ) and I booted him out. He left and has never drank a drop since! He also has a job. I am gutted I made him that miserable he felt the urge to get blotto every single day. I feel rejected in a way I can't even explain. He is fine now and admits getting drunk each day was a choice he made and now he chooses not too. I was like gee thanks a lot. Why didn't the just leave instead of putting me and our children through all that upset? I feel like he was calculated in a nasty way that and once I was angry but now it just makes me feel like crying. He says he still loves me but cannot live with me.( the kids have SEN and he cannot handdle it cos he isn't grown up enough ) He wanted different things. All the stuff he said makes sense now he is sober but I am still in shock at what he did to get free. I thought he couldn't help it.:wtf2

[Pelican]

Welcome to the SR family, Tansy!

You will find support and information here. Please share as much as you need and ask questions.

Can I ask how long has he been sober? How long has he had a job?

[LucyA]

Maybe you booting him out was his bottom. Nothing you did or didn't do made him drink, even he said it was his choice.
From where I'm standing it seems you both have a lot to be grateful for, apologies if you don't see it that way it's my own experience that makes it seem so.
Welcome to SR and take care x

[Tansy]

Can I ask how long has he been sober? How long has he had a job?

A few weeks. He got the job 3 days after moving out. I am shocked and I know he could fall off the wagon but he was never sober more than 3 hours at a time when here. I asked people if it was true and it is. I am shocked. He has changed.

[Tansy]

Maybe you booting him out was his bottom. Nothing you did or didn't do made him drink, even he said it was his choice.
From where I'm standing it seems you both have a lot to be grateful for, apologies if you don't see it that way it's my own experience that makes it seem so.

I maybe will feel grateful but at the moment I feel a bit cheated. I am glad he has stopped for his sake. I am glad for his son's sake. I suppose I ma sorry I had ot boot him out for it to happen and I know full well he can never come back cos the same will happen again.

Welcome to SR and take care x

Thanks x

[Pelican]

Thanks for sharing more information about your AH (Alcoholic Husband).
Some alcoholics are able to put down the drink and never go back. Their done. period. Some alcoholics have to keep picking it back up and prove to themselves that they are powerless over alcohol, repeatedly.

I hope his sobriety is long-term for the sake of his children and family. If he is able to stay sober and support himself, he may be able to help you financially.

How about you, Tansy?
Have you attended any Alanon meetings? Have you considered private counseling?

One of the first things I learned at Alanon and here at SR was the three C's:

You did not cause him to drink
You can not control his drinking
You will not cure his drinking

His drinking everyday had nothing to do with you. An alcoholic will blame their enabler for taking a breath just to justify another drink. An alcoholic will blame the sky for being too blue to justify another drink. Don't take his toxic words and actions personally. His toxic words and actions are his to own. Let him keep them. You can put them right down and walk away from the toxic words and actions. You have better things to do with yourself!

I got so caught up in trying to control my household and keep everything in check that I forgot to take care of myself. I was constantly trying to control situations so the alcoholic wouldn't over react, over indulge, and trying to communicate to the children why daddy gets mad, etc. I was exhausted trying to take care of everything and everyone.

I discovered I was co-dependent. I was caught up in trying to control everything and everyone, but neglecting to take care of the only thing I really had control over - myself. I read a book by Melody Beattie called "Codependent No More". I saw myself in those pages. I began to make changes in my life so that I can take better care of ME. I still am trying to remember where my responsibilities end and where another person's begins. It's called keeping my side of the street clean. I have to let other adults keep their side of the street however they like!

I hope you will stick around and read some of the sticky posts at the top of this forum. You will read a lot of our stories and understand that you are not alone. We're here to support you!

[trapeze]

Hi Tansy!

One think I've tried to do is slow myself down when it comes to my AH, who is now in recovery. Everything I've heard and read is that recovery doesn't occur in a few days or weeks, but is a long term process with ups and downs. Here's hoping it goes smoothly for your husband.

You didn't cause him to drink. Period.

Good luck. Please keep posting.

[Tansy]

Hi

Its been awhile. He is still sober and is a great dad to his kids now. We are getting a divorce and we get on better then when we lived together. Its fair to say the person I fell in love with is well and truly back but I know if he were to move back in he would start drinking again. He knows it too. Neither of us know why. We have both cried buckets over it. I over analyse everything so I am making an effort to take the good times for what they are and try and stop dwelling on the what ifs....and stop despising myself for loving him. Its been a rocky road for us both. It always will be I think.

[brokenheartfool]

Well I think it totally sucks that the man you have loved for so long decided to get sober when it was just for his own benefit, instead of while he was with you. Now you're left feeling as if you caused his drinking, which you did not.
I think you got the short end of the stick here.
I think just about everybody gets the short end of the stick with an alcoholic spouse.

One caution though--if he can't figure out why he drank, then he might go back to it. A few months isn't much time. The true test of his sobriety is going to be year 2, or year 6, you get the idea.

I hope you can now focus on ways to make yourself happy. Get a little selfish!

[Tansy]

Originally Posted by brokenheartfool

Well I think it totally sucks that the man you have loved for so long decided to get sober when it was just for his own benefit, instead of while he was with you. Now you're left feeling as if you caused his drinking, which you did not.
I think you got the short end of the stick here.
I think just about everybody gets the short end of the stick with an alcoholic spouse.

One caution though--if he can't figure out why he drank, then he might go back to it. A few months isn't much time. The true test of his sobriety is going to be year 2, or year 6, you get the idea.

I hope you can now focus on ways to make yourself happy. Get a little selfish!

He says he drank to cope but cope with what is the unknown question with no answer. I do feel like I cause it even tho I know I didn't but I do wonder if I triggered him off somehow. He says he's stopped cos his drinking cost him everything he cares about. I know it isn't long but it is better then he has ever done before so I am cautiously hopeful and now he isn't here it isn't such a big deal to me cos if he does fall off the wagon I don't have to deal with it. I know I had the short end of the stick. He knows it too. I think he needs counselling but he hasn't had any. He's not so selfish anymore which is nice and I am trying to do stuff for myself to make me happy for a change. If I am honest tho I feel empty inside now.

[Thumper]

What a sad place for you to be in. Are you attending al-anon or doing anything for yourself, for you own recovery from this painful journey? You did not cause him to drink.

Originally Posted by Tansy

He says he's stopped cos his drinking cost him everything he cares about.

There ya go. He lost the most important things in his life (you and a united family) due to alcohol, and so he decided to quit drinking.

Sometimes there is just no going back. We (both partners) don't take a journey like alcoholism and not be changed. There is water under the bridge and we are different people.

My xah used to sort of throw it in my face that when he left he'd be sober and wildly successful and I'd be sorry. My response was that I'd rather have a sober successful ex husband then be married to a unemployed drunk.

[Bolina]

NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

What a cruel man.

I hope you are getting lots of support for you and your kids.

[LexieCat]

Don't underestimate the value of a sober and decent ex, particularly if you have kids together! My first husband quit drinking before we got married, but since our divorce, I feel very, very fortunate that I don't have the drama and conflict so many divorced couples have. In fact, we have become better friends now than when we were married.

I don't know why your situation turned out the way it did, but it will be good for you to work past the anger and bitterness and to work on forgiveness. Forgiveness is not, BTW, something we do for the person who wronged us, it is something we do for ourselves. You can have a great life if you can unload the burden of anger you're carrying. It takes time.

Hugs,

[goldengirl3]

My xah used to sort of throw it in my face that when he left he'd be sober and wildly successful and I'd be sorry. My response was that I'd rather have a sober successful ex husband then be married to a unemployed drunk.

That was such a good response! lol.

[brokenheartfool]

Originally Posted by goldengirl3

That was such a good response! lol.

Oh I second this!

It so ain't ALL ABOUT HIM.

[wicked]

My xah used to sort of throw it in my face that when he left he'd be sober and wildly successful and I'd be sorry. My response was that I'd rather have a sober successful ex husband then be married to a unemployed drunk.

yes, successful would mean child support....regularly!

[DMC]

I hear that my XAH is sober. He has a job too.

I had hoped he would wake up and smell the proverbial toast burning, but I firmly believe that if I hadn't kicked him out, nothing would have changed. If it makes him a better person, or helps him beat this, or really anything good comes of it for him, it was worth it.

It was worth it for me now that I'm free.
I struggled with it too at first.
This is not your fault, and maybe needed to happen.