Why.do.they.feel.the.need.to.call.you.and yell.at. you

[veryregretful]

Hopefully this post will be shorter than the others I have written.

Me and my AH have been talking about our relationship and what's in the future.

Today I had a problem with his brother and I needed to talk to my AH about it. I discussed with him what was going on and he told what to do. It was about him cancelling his cellphone that he is on our family plan because I was helping him out cuz he can't get his own phone on his own because of his credit. He agreed to a new two year contract that just started sept. 24. A little over a month he decides to cancel because he just doesn't like the phones, customer service and the web. Whatever. So with 23 months left to go with the contract, I would be stuck paying his portion of the bill. 70 dollars. I have it worked out now that he'll get another new phone and deal with it and pay the 70 a month.

My AH is staying with a friend and he had asked me to come over while he was going to have a few drinks and sit by the fire. I was not going to do that anyway but I figured I'd wait until today to say I couldn't find a sitter to stay with them late.

He called me 5 times tonight (he was trashed of course) screaming at me that I was sleeping with his brother. He said he saw his car here at 10pm last week. For one thing I would never do that. He's kind of creepy plus I get up at 3:30am for work so why would he be here anyways.

So he's yelling and etc. and I say I don't want to talk about this now. We'll talk tomorrow. He keeps hanging up on me. One thing that surprised me was that I didn't get upset about this. I was like whatever. I'm glad he's not here anymore. I don't have to listen to him. He usually calls the cell phone but tonight he was calling the house phone. probably to check to see if I was home. . He texted me but the text really didn't make any sense.

Why does he find the need to call and verbally abuse me over the phone when the reason he isn't here is because of the verbal abuse. I was calm as can be and I think that pissed him off even more because he was trying to get a rise out of me that just wasn't happening. I know he is an alki but there is no need for him to do that. Was he checking up on me? Did he want me to yell back at him? I was calm. I actually felt good when he hung up on me cuz I didn't give it back to him. He probably won't remember the conversation tomorrow anyways.

I know I am rambling. It's been a long day and I'm pooped

I know the alki's are irrational alot. Could this be that he's still angry and I'm doing things I should be doing around the house and with the kids and kind of getting on with my life even with the sadness, hopefully anger is around the corner.

I probably should have just ignored the calls but if I did that then he would just keep calling.

I'm proud of myself that I stayed calm and after the phone calls I kind of feel sad for him. Doesn't he know what he is doing to himself and others. I sort of pity him.

I think tonight I will sleep good because now I know I made the right decision and hopefully I won't wake up in the middle of the nght with anxiety and can't go back to sleep.

If anyone has any answere please respond. You guys always give me something to think about!!!!!

Have a good night and hope to hear from you.

This ended up turning into a big ramble. lololol sorry.

denise

[Still Waters]

Because he's not rational. Because he's not sane.

It's futile to try and figure out why. Better to concentrate on you, getting some rest and taking care of yourself.

[veryregretful]

he just texted then called again. I should never have answered the phone. I was in a calm voice which I think is pissing him off. I'm not getting angry with him. Is that what I am supposed to do. It's just a little more reassurance that I did the right thing. I will still probably sleep good tonight. He did text me he hated me which did hurt but I do know he is trashed and he is irrational. He's going to try to say anything to me to get me going. Things got worse when I didn't respond back like a crazed woman the last few months. Damn shame cuz when he is sober he is not like this.

[veryregretful]

Now I wish I never responded. He knows I'm awake now.

[veryregretful]

somebody please tell me not to answer anymore..... he keeps calling. i know i should just turn the phone off but i can't. he's putting blame on me again. now i just got a text. wtf

[kv816]

Yup, turn the phone off. I've had to do that a few times.

I've heard it said a million times on here that once the A is no longer in control that he or she will do anything and everything to be king of the jungle again (ever notice how when a lion roars in the wild EVERYTHING goes quiet??).

[steve11694]

My aw told me on the phone she has seen my car parked at the bars she visits and also saw me and even tod me the color shirt and pants I had on.

Amazing stuff when you consider I was 7,000 miles away and no longer had that car. When I asked her how this is possible she hung up.

Alcoholism can cause

Delusion
Paranoia
Psychosis
etc
etc
ect

[Jadmack25]

I went thru the multi call madness, plus the weird txts he sent, for years. I mean after 10 or more wacky phone calls, it would ring and I would answer with "hello".
I felt like turning up on his doorstep with a shotgun, and blasting him and the damned phone to pieces.
I put my mobile phone on to silent mode, pulled plug on home phone and left him to it from then on. I slept like a baby, while he racked up his call bill, got VM and nought from me and that upset him.

Don't know what the law is there, but here he could be charged for abusing the rules of use for his phone, and could lose the right to own one for a period of time, plus cop a hefty fine or jail.

God bless

[intheknow]

Very,

When I quit reacting - screaming, blaming, crying, being mad all the time, you know this drill - he got the message loud and clear that I was done. I went into efficiency mode, and left him with the message that I now considered him a mess that I was cleaning up and moving on with my life. My choice of cleaning methods? Drop him off with the people who created his dumb ass and move on with my life.

His parents weren't real happy about it, he wasn't real happy about it, but he left me very few choices in what to do. He eventually went into rehab and we have been apart almost 8 weeks now. I don't answer the phone everytime, I don't answer the texts unless I want to. I have not told him I love him, or I miss him - because I don't right now. Are you saying these things? If you are do you truly mean them? I think it is ok to let them know we care, but saying anything else is just leading right back to where we have always been.

As long as you are still willing to give him power and control, he will take it everytime. Answering the phone and the text messages is giving him that. If he needs to get in touch with you, and it is a true emergency - he will reach you. Otherwise, you are done. Detach, detach, detach. You need to do this or you will go insane.

[veryregretful]

Mellane you are absolutely right about the control thing. I knew exactly that I shouldn't have answered or texted him back. I should have just ignored him. Yes, I have told him that I love him and miss him which probably makes him think I'm begging him to come home while actively drinking.

I have thought about how I feel about him and I love him. I'm thinking about the missing part but how can I really miss something when he wasn't really here. He was in his hole in the basement.

I feel sick today because I did respond. He also told me he saw his brothers truck here at 10:00 at night. Yeah right. He's not someone who I would have an affair with anyways. lol I would never cheat on my husband nor right now am I interested in any man.

I wonder how far gone he really is in his alcholism. He sees an RA doc and they keep taking liver tests and they come out fine. The other day when I saw him I saw yellow in his eyes. I don't get why something doesn't come up on his liver tests. My dad was a bad alki so I know about the yellow color.

I'm surrounded around alkis. My husband, my sis, my dad was until he died at 47, my mom's sister has wet brain. My other sis married 2 alkis now she's married to a recovering alki. my brother is married to an alcholic. That's just immediate family.

Today I vow not to answer his calls. Tomorrow he promised to take his son to dinner. I really don't think that will happen now because of what his sick mind believes. I guess I'll just have to tell my son the truth about not being able to trust him when he says he's going to do something then he ends up not following through. And not to get his hopes up. He doesn't want him to come home unless he is sober so it makes it easier for me to not let him back in the house.

The old me would be calling him right now waking him up to say hi. To wake him up and **** him off. But I think with how I think I have grown it's useless to do that and I won't get any satisfaction from that. I think I would get satisfaction with not answering his calls.

Didn't sleep very good because of his phone calls and because i answered and texted him back but if sun doesn't come out today I'm going to take a nap. And I won't feel guilty like I usually do when the kids are hanging around the house.

I guess I like to type. lolol sorry. I'm going from subject to subject and it's probably hard to follow but I do feel better when I post. I hope from my feelings and what's going on I can help someone here.

Mellane - my husband refuses AA, councilor, therapist, rehab. When he was living here I was thinking of getting a 35c from the judge but that's not him helping himself. I do want him to come home only after he shows he is sober and getting help. I'm not keeping fingers crossed though. How are you doing after 8 weeks? Is the sadness better? Do you have children? What part of grieving are you? I think anger would be better than what I feel right now which is sadness. It does seem to get better a little each day but I go back 1 step sometimes.

Thanks for reading. I'll be known as the long poster with jumping thoughts. lolol and maybe someday I'll be able to give suggestions to people here because you guys are so good to me. <3

[Pelican]

Good Morning veryregretful

I hope you have a better day today. I found it helpful to have a plan of action. A ME plan. What is your plan for YOU today?

A nap? Great plan. I'm thinking about one of those today myself. I make sure my teens know that I'm going to take a nap and ask that they keep the music down. I go into my room and turn off the phone. Sometimes I just read a book and close my eyes for 30 minutes. That's enough. I feel refreshed and ready to share the rest of my day with my kids.

I know that being recently separated from your AH is hard. I know that you want to keep checking the phone and internet for messages. Want to be sure that he is thinking about you, right? In my case, mine was doing what he always did. Thinking about his work and his next drink.

Give yourself today. 24 hours of no contact. Focus on yourself and your children's needs. Make yourselves your priority, just for today.

[Learn2Live]

He called me 5 times tonight (he was trashed of course) screaming at me that I was sleeping with his brother. He said he saw his car here at 10pm last week.

Why do they do this? Because they CREATE their own madness and use YOU and your relationship with them to feed it. If you respond to the madness, if you try to relate with him in reality or get him to see reality, you only FEED the madness.

I am glad you were able to detach from it. The next step is to not respond in the first place, not step into his mad world. His world is not reality. So don't go there or you will go mad too.

That's been my experience.