 |
|---|
 |
 |
 |
| | |
|
|
| |||||||
 |
| | LinkBack | Thread Tools | Display Modes |
10-28-2009, 08:15 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: st. louis missouri area
Posts: 193
|  Should I ask him why he's leaving me?
He informed me via a text message, while we were both at home, that he's leaving this weekend. He's never told me why. One day about 3 weeks ago, after I'd gone to ONE counselor meeting and ONE Al-Anon meeting that he was "done". He showed me his hand and announced that he'd taken off his wedding ring. I'd been out here on SR about a week and a half when he announced this, and was able to act strong and say; "okay". Then he said he'd be out by the end of the year. He has been looking for a job since April this year. And tonight he TEXTED that he's leaving this weekend. I want to know why he's leaving me. But I know he'll have some angry, vague response along the lines of; "you know" and then say something about how I lie to him and myself and everyone else. He'll rehash all the terrible things he's told me in the last 2 years that we've been married. So I guess I answered my own question. No, I don't ask him why he's leaving. I just deal with the simultaneous pain and relief and feel whatever feelings come along, and heal and grow. Then I rekindle the friendships that I lost while I was with him, and see if I can scrape up some $'s to go visit my family scattered all 'round the country, and invite them to come see me. I learn how to deal with the mess of finances that I'm now in. I go to work do a good job. But mostly, I need to heal and grow. Oh... and then there's the question of divorce. He's never mentioned the word. If he does as he said he's done with his past two wives, he'll just coldly go through the necessary legal stuff and never speak to me again. I suppose I should be glad. I'll try... tomorrow... maybe. |
|      |
| The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to tigger11 For This Useful Post: | bookwyrm (10-29-2009), Jadmack25 (10-28-2009), JenT1968 (10-29-2009), justtakestime (10-31-2009), kingston (10-29-2009), liveweyerd (10-29-2009), TTOSBT (10-29-2009) |
|
10-28-2009, 08:20 PM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 210
|
If you could do it perfectly, you'd go no contact with him immediately to protect yourself and start moving forward. I don't know if I've heard of someone who's done it perfectly though. I really understand the pain that you are going through though. You want to ask, why, why, why? But you'll never get that answer from him. Just come here and we'll hug you and tell you that you're going to be OK. Keep doing all that stuff you've been doing for yourself. |
|
| |
| The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to wanting For This Useful Post: | hadenoughnow (10-29-2009), Jadmack25 (10-28-2009), justtakestime (10-31-2009), liveweyerd (10-29-2009) |
|
10-28-2009, 08:24 PM
| #4 (permalink) |
| I Love Who I Am  |
Stay Strong! You're doing the right thing by getting healthier, seeking help and he's punishing you. If he doesn't support your path to healing, he is NOT the right guy for you. My AH treated me this way when he started his affair. It is crazy making stuff. All the blaming. YOu don't want to hear his reasons. You are leaving him. It is your choice. You will be free of him and his toxic behaviors! I hope you stay detached, stay in control of your emotions. DON'T FOLLOW HIM ASKING QUESTIONS. Do not give him the satisfaction. Keep busy and polite. I"m sorry you're being treated this way, but you know this is best. Very sorry Girl, do you have friends there to go to and talk with in real life?
__________________ Love is calling |
|
| |
| The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to transformyself For This Useful Post: |
|
10-28-2009, 08:30 PM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 210
|
Oh yeah, and AH's "reasons" were that I wasn't "fun and spontaneous" (since I had this thing called a job and these things called kids that he and my "friend" apparently have never heard of) and that I didn't have an "inner prettiness" (like the type that "friends" who eff married men have). So, you may not like what you hear. He told me all this before I found out about the affair, so I spent months agonizing over what a horrible person I was.
|
|
| |
| The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to wanting For This Useful Post: |
|
10-28-2009, 08:35 PM
| #6 (permalink) |
| peaceful seabird  Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: floating
Posts: 1,562
|
(((tigger))) This is what JaneX posted last night about how she was feeling I feel 70% relieved that he left and 30% as if I might throw up. I think that is an accurate description. Don't know whether to clap your hands or cup your hands over your mouth. It will pass. Try to get some rest tonight. We're here to support you as you take the time you need to heal and grow, one day at a time. Peace and hugs.
__________________ "How does one become a butterfly?" she asked pensively. "You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar." Trina Paulus Hope for the Flowers |
|
| |
| The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Pelican For This Useful Post: | bookwyrm (10-29-2009), Jadmack25 (10-28-2009), JenT1968 (10-29-2009), justtakestime (10-31-2009), liveweyerd (10-29-2009), rdy4change (11-01-2009), trapeze (10-28-2009) |
|
10-28-2009, 09:02 PM
| #7 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 869
|
You are magnificent! Has anyone told you that lately...well tig honey, they should be writing that on the side of buses for the world to read at rush hour. You received a text from someone in the next room to say that he's leaving. Could that be any more passive aggressive???! But you my dear actually have the grace and style to not walk into the room he's in and smack the stupid right off him! I would have had to tack myself to the floor to keep from doing it. You then had the wherewithall to play that mental tape all the way through and answer your own question of why without believing a word of what he would have said. The words can change, but the theme is always the same..deflect blame and take no responsiblity for your alcoholic actions. Oh, and then you brilliantly laid out a healthy and loving plan to put your recovery first and to mend a life that has become broken over time living with an addict spouse. I am inspired by your post and I truly do find you...m*a*g*n*i*f*i*c*e*n*t !! All grief wants is to be acknowledged. Do so, and it will pass. Alice
__________________ I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it. - Alice in Wonderland |
|
| |
| The Following 12 Users Say Thank You to ItsmeAlice For This Useful Post: | bookwyrm (10-29-2009), itisatruth (11-01-2009), Jadmack25 (10-28-2009), JenT1968 (10-29-2009), justtakestime (10-31-2009), kingston (10-29-2009), Learn2Live (10-29-2009), liveweyerd (10-29-2009), Pelican (10-28-2009), tjp613 (10-29-2009), transformyself (10-29-2009), trapeze (10-28-2009) |
|
10-28-2009, 09:05 PM
| #8 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: st. louis missouri area
Posts: 193
|
Wiping a couple of tears of gratitude. I actually DO feel as though I could throw up. And I know his leaving is the best thing. I'm relieved that it's happening so quickly. And shocked and surprised that it's happening so quickly. And scared. And worried about finances. And and and... But yes, I'm rekindling friendships that he squashed (that I allowed him to squash). Mom just called and is being wonderfully supportive. My sister is the absolute best! Said she's almost done refurbing her basement apartment in NY,and that she'd welcome me with open arms, but it's WAY too far away from my almost grown sons, but it was sweet that she offered. I'm just really bad at being alone. It's odd, because I love being alone. I just don't like being without a man. If there's one to come home to, I can spend days, weeks, months without him. I just like knowing he's there. But that's part of the healing/growing I must do. Learn to be alone, without a man, and learn to chose healthy relationships. I really do feel as though I could throw up. It's the oddest thing. Thank you, dear ones! |
|
| |
| The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to tigger11 For This Useful Post: | bookwyrm (10-29-2009), Jadmack25 (10-28-2009), justtakestime (10-31-2009), liveweyerd (10-29-2009), tjp613 (10-29-2009) |
|
10-28-2009, 09:08 PM
| #9 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: st. louis missouri area
Posts: 193
|
Goodness gracious, Alice! I hope I can live up to all that marvelous that you think I am. I don't feel a bit of it. But you said it, so I'm going to use that as further encouragement! Thank you, Sweetie!
|
|
| |
| The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to tigger11 For This Useful Post: |
|
10-28-2009, 09:10 PM
| #10 (permalink) |
| peaceful seabird Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: floating
Posts: 1,562
| I would have had to tack myself to the floor to keep from doing it. Oh my! I love that line Alice! I can see it now..... 
__________________ "How does one become a butterfly?" she asked pensively. "You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar." Trina Paulus Hope for the Flowers |
|
| |
| The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Pelican For This Useful Post: |
|
10-28-2009, 09:28 PM
| #11 (permalink) |
| I come from a land Downunder  Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Australia
Posts: 895
|
Hey Tig, don't throw up.........Throw OUT,....the wimp in the next room. As for needing a man around, maybe I am being harsh but....you haven't had a MAN with you, just a gutless poor excuse for one, who hasn't the balls to speak to your face. Too scared to leave his room, and says it is over by a text. I thought only young teens did silly things like that, then guess emotionally he hasn't grown up yet. Your response is light years more mature than he will ever reach, so thank him for loosening the heavy chains of HIS addiction that he wound around you. Now feel how much lighter you are, and how you can now move freely where YOU want to go. Open the door for him to leave, (assuming he doesn't do a moonlight flit from fear) and slam it behind him and all the baggage he carries around, and I don't refer to hand luggage. He has chosen the right time to go, as you can look on him as part of Halloween, he being THE TRICK not the treat. Stay strong, and my thoughts and prayers are heading your way. God bless |
|
| |
| The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Jadmack25 For This Useful Post: | bookwyrm (10-29-2009), JenT1968 (10-29-2009), justtakestime (10-31-2009), kingston (10-29-2009), Learn2Live (10-29-2009), liveweyerd (10-29-2009), tigger11 (10-28-2009) |
|
10-28-2009, 10:25 PM
| #12 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 37
|
Tigger: So sorry to read your news. If you're anything like me, you've been "alone" for quite a while...not had a real marriage in a long time. It doesn't mean it isn't painful, because it is, and, as the song says, "If you're going through he!!, keep on going..." We still have to feel the pain, no getting around it. But the tears are cleansing and the shock and fear will begin to fade. I'm so proud of how far you've come! You've already been doing so much! Be sure to take time to think about that, maybe journal your feelings if you don't already. There are many of us here, and sometimes leaving us can be the nicest thing our A's ever do for us! I'm finding that it might be true for me, and maybe it will be the case for you! Keep posting here! (and I received your friend request but haven't posted enough times to send a response, or something about that). We will all get through this and will come out on the other side better than ever. I spoke with my counselor about the fact that it feels like I've twisted myself into a pretzel in an effort to please him, and it feels like I'm untwisting. She said, "And when you untwise, you get taller." So here's to getting taller! My prayers are with you tonight, Tigger. Please keep us posted. |
|
| |
| The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to NewChapter For This Useful Post: |
|
10-28-2009, 10:42 PM
| #13 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 869
| so I'm going to use that as further encouragement Your darn tootin' you are! That's what I'm excited to see. You are going to go through one emotion after another often in rapid fire mode. Shoot, I would have about six different mood changes in the time it took me to brush my teeth at night. If you keep your patience and love for youself and keep that encouraging attitude, this will be the start of a wonderful new life for you! Hang in there! Alice
__________________ I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it. - Alice in Wonderland |
|
| |
| The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to ItsmeAlice For This Useful Post: | bookwyrm (10-29-2009), JenT1968 (10-29-2009), justtakestime (10-31-2009), liveweyerd (10-29-2009), tigger11 (10-29-2009) |
|
10-28-2009, 10:59 PM
| #14 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 835
|
Hi tigger11; when dealing with active alcoholism, we must not seek logic, reason, or sanity for that matter. The alcoholics brain and mode of thinking is perverted and corrupted. They are very sick people as alcohol is toxic to the brain and all body cells in general. I once tried to use reason and logic also and try to get answers but believe me, there are no answers short of the alcoholic deciding to seek sobriety. So sorry for you but you would not be upset with a loved one with cancer that has invaded the brain causing them to be nasty.... |
|
| |
| The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to steve11694 For This Useful Post: | atalose (10-29-2009), JenT1968 (10-29-2009), justtakestime (10-31-2009), Learn2Live (10-29-2009), liveweyerd (10-29-2009), tigger11 (10-29-2009) |
|
10-29-2009, 02:59 AM
| #15 (permalink) |
| Curled up in a good book...  Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: UK
Posts: 637
|
(((tigger))) You are awesome. This pain will pass, I promise. I went through all the stages of grief in minutes and then did them over and over again, in different order and for longer periods until it just faded away. You can do this! 
__________________ You are absolutely gloriously perfectly imperfect whether a single other human holds you in their thoughts right now or not. You are completely deserving of the space you take up on the planet simply by virtue of breathing. No one else has the power to define you. GiveLove |
|
| |
| The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to bookwyrm For This Useful Post: |
|
10-29-2009, 03:18 AM
| #16 (permalink) |
| Belgian Sheepdog Adictee  Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: New Mexico
Posts: 2,980
|
(((((Tigger))))) You are doing really good. Keep going to your counseling and your Al-Anon meetings and, of course, posting here <vbg>. Going to give you a brief synopsis of how the practicing alkie's thinking progresses, from my own days out there using and abusing: "Hmm she's no longer doing what I want, she's going to counseling and that Al-Anon stuff, she's going to leave me, destroy my life (drinking), I'll beat her to it, then she'll be the bad guy." Now that is the short version, but I suspect that if other sober alkies on here read it they remember their thinking processess such as they were, while drinking. In truth it is a long convoluted process that makes no sense whatsoever, lol I know ............... my old rationalizations and justifications, when I look at them in the cold light of today make absolutely no sense whatsoever. His won't either. His reasons, don't meant a thing. Yes, you are going to go through grief, and 'blaming' yourself, but please don't dwell there. One day, hopefully not too far in the future you will start to realize what a gift you have been given. I have no doubt that you will regain your peace and serenity and we will walk with you in spirit to get there. Love and hugs,
__________________  God Bless You All As You Trudge The Road Of Happy Destiny (especially when you trudgin thru alligators up to your butt) |
|
| |
| The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to laurie6781 For This Useful Post: |
|
10-29-2009, 04:23 AM
| #17 (permalink) | |
| College Student Extraordinaire  Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Kansas
Posts: 4,934
| Quote:
I couldn't admit it for a long time either. Your recovery is shining.  You are going to be just fine, I promise you. 
__________________ DeVon & the Zoo Crew | |
|
| |
| The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Freedom1990 For This Useful Post: |
|
10-29-2009, 06:14 AM
| #18 (permalink) | |
| Member  Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: In the barn
Posts: 244
| Quote:
1. You don't like my drinking, therefore you're no fun 2: Quack, Quack, Quack
__________________ ~*~*~*~*~*~*~* A goal is not a plan Hope is not a strategy | |
|
| |
| The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Cowgirl1265 For This Useful Post: | JenT1968 (10-29-2009), justtakestime (10-31-2009), laurie6781 (10-29-2009), liveweyerd (10-29-2009), NewChapter (10-29-2009), tigger11 (10-29-2009) |
|
10-29-2009, 06:57 AM
| #19 (permalink) |
| I Love Who I Am |
How ya doing today Tigger? You know, my AH also told me he was "done," and "this is over," and showed me that he'd taken off his ring--about 6 times in the past year. It felt like Groundhog Day, the movie. You are in inspiration and I hope you keep posting.
__________________ Love is calling |
|
| |
| The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to transformyself For This Useful Post: |
|
10-29-2009, 07:51 AM
| #20 (permalink) | |
| Being Silent so I can Hear  | Quote:
My AH is still utterly insane, and he's dry (I think). | |
|
| |
| The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Still Waters For This Useful Post: |
|
10-29-2009, 08:33 AM
| #21 (permalink) | |
| To thine own self be true.  |
I agree with Steve and am so glad he posted that. What I noticed in this last relationship with an addict is that a lot of the time they are using TACTICS to get you to REACT in the same manner as you have always reacted. That's why one of the first things we have to work on when we enter Recovery is to teach ourselves and discipline ourselves to NOT REACT. Because once you allow yourself to react, you are at the mercy of the disease that is controlling you; his addiction. Quote:
__________________ God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. | |
|
| |
| The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Learn2Live For This Useful Post: |
|
10-29-2009, 08:56 AM
| #22 (permalink) |
| Member  |
No, not unless you want to hear hurtful, vicious and untrue, confusing things....designed to make you feel very badly. Which I would bet he is dying to tell you. Do you like to play poker? I suggest wearing your best poker face. Even when the moment comes that you almost burst out laughing! LOL
__________________ Each small candle lights a corner of the dark....Roger Waters  |
|
| |
| The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to liveweyerd For This Useful Post: |
|
10-29-2009, 09:42 AM
| #23 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 56
|
Hell NO don't ask him why. He is just begging for a chance to give you hell about something. He wants to see you crawl and cry and beg him to stay. He is a sick f*ck and mean. Texting you from the same house? I'm sorry but he needs to be neutered. You need to download that song Irreplaceable by Beyonce and play it over and over again all over the house. Loud. You need to ask if he needs any help packing. Go to the liquor store and ask them for a few empty boxes - they ususally give them away for free, and give them to him, telling him that you thought he might need them to help himself pack up. (Not to mention, the irony of the type of boxes is just too delicious to resist.) DO NOT give him the satisfaction of knowing that he's hurting you one more time. You come to us and pour out your tears and your sadness. Don't you let him see ONE SINGLE TEAR. He needs to know that this is the consequences of his actions. Do not let him abuse you any longer. This is an emotional abuse tactic. FIGHT BACK. Here are the lyrics so you can sing along, REALLY LOUD, while he's packing. Irreplaceable" To the left To the left To the left To the left Mmmm to the left, to the left Everything you own in the box to the left In the closet, that's my stuff Yes, if I bought it, baby, please don't touch (don't touch) And keep talking that mess, thats fine Could you walk and talk, at the same time? Best line EVAH And it's my name thats on that jag So go move your bags, let me call you a cab Standing in the front yard, telling me How I'm such a fool, talking 'bout How I'll never ever find a man like you You got me twisted You must not know 'bout me You must not know 'bout me I can have another you in a minute Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby) You must not know 'bout me You must not know 'bout me I can have another you by tomorrow So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin' You're irreplaceable? So go ahead and get gone Call up that chick, and see if shes home Oops I bet you thought, that I didn't know What did you think I was putting you out for? Because you was untrue Rolling her around in the car that I bought you Baby, drop them keys Hurry up, before your taxi leaves Standing in the front yard, telling me How I'm such a fool, talking 'bout How I'll never ever find a man like you You got me twisted You must not know 'bout me You must not know 'bout me I can have another you in a minute Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby) You must not know 'bout me You must not know 'bout me I will have another you by tomorrow So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin' You're irreplaceable (irreplaceable)? So since I'm not your everything (irreplaceable) How about I'll be nothing (nothing)? Nothing at all to you (nothing, nothing) Baby I won't shed a tear for you (I won't shed a tear for you) I won't lose a wink of sleep (a wink of sleep) 'Cause the truth of the matter is (truth is) Replacing you is so easy To the left, to the left. To the left, to the left. Mmmmm To the left, to the left. Everything you own in the box to the left To the left, to the left. Don't you ever for a second get to thinking You're irreplaceable? You must not know 'bout me You must not know 'bout me I can have another you in a minute Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby) You must not know 'bout me You must not know 'bout me I can have another you by tomorrow So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'? You must not know 'bout me (baby) You must not know 'bout me I can have another you in a minute Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute You can pack all your bags we're finished (you must not know 'bout me) 'Cause you made your bed now lay in it (you must not know 'bout me) I could have another you by tomorrow Don't you ever for a second get to thinkin' You're irreplaceable? Honey he is going to leave. Let him leave with your head up. Let him worry about why your so glad to see him go. And as he's walking out the door,  That @$$hole |
|
| |
| The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Redux For This Useful Post: |
|
10-29-2009, 10:35 AM
| #24 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 210
|
Those lyrics are awesome. I wish I had read them when I first found out STBX was having an affair. I might have been inspired to not be so pathetic.
|
|
| |
| The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to wanting For This Useful Post: | justtakestime (10-31-2009), liveweyerd (10-29-2009) |
|
10-29-2009, 11:04 AM
| #25 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: st. louis missouri area
Posts: 193
|
Hello on Thursday (in the midwest) to my dear SR family. You people are my inspiration and my sanity! I would be falling-a-freeking-part if it weren't for you! Do the moderators and inspirators (made up word) of this website know how much value this site and this family holds? Laurie - "Hmm she's no longer doing what I want, she's going to counseling and that Al-Anon stuff, she's going to leave me, destroy my life (drinking), I'll beat her to it, then she'll be the bad guy." WOW! That answers that riddle for me! Thank you! Jad - I love the door slam - baggage post! Steve, Alice, Live, Still, Cowgirl, Freedom, Book... EVERYBODY - Thank you! Somebody asked how I'm doing today. Weeeellll.... kind of like I have a hangover. No headache, but in a serious fog. I told my boss today what I'm going through and asked him to remind me about things that I might drop. I didn't cry! I was afraid to have that conversation for fear that I would, and I didn't want to in front of my boss... who's a man. Say it quick, change the subject. That's my motto for business situations into which the personal stuff bleeds. It's amazing how long lost friends are rallying about me. But they don't have what you all have. Experience and true empathy as a result. Still, it's nice to be loved. I emailed A-soon-to-be-gone-H. Asked him if he was going to 1) get a divorce, 2) do something about the 2008 taxes that he never did anything about, 3) give me a quit claim deed. No response yet. Confession for all y'all who think I'm so inspirational... I snuck a build-a-bear into one of his boxes that I gave him several years ago that says; "somebody in St. Louis loves you" on her t-shirt. It's true. Doesn't take away in any amount from the fact that his leaving is the right thing. Sigh... I'm going to be okay. Taking your advice and feeling the emotions. Don't know that I have much of a choice. Looking forward to how things will feel after he moves out. Are there ever any SR family reunions? I'd love to meet people here in person. Love, hugs, makin' in through today. Tig |
|
| |
| The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to tigger11 For This Useful Post: | bookwyrm (10-29-2009), justtakestime (10-31-2009), Learn2Live (10-29-2009), liveweyerd (10-29-2009), Still Waters (10-29-2009), tjp613 (10-29-2009) |
|
| Bookmarks |
| Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests) | |
| Thread Tools | |
| Display Modes | |
| |
| |
© 2007 SoberRecovery, LLC. |
The SoberRecovery Forums are operated under a grant from The Mulligan Group
Mahjong Champion!
Linear Mode
