Should I ask him why he's leaving me?

[transformyself]

Are there ever any SR family reunions? I'd love to meet people here in person.

This is a FANTASTIC idea! Can we go somewhere warm? Near the ocean?

[Learn2Live]

I Agree! How about a Group winter trip to the Caribbean!?

[BuffaloGal]

Originally Posted by wanting

Oh yeah, and AH's "reasons" were that I wasn't "fun and spontaneous" (since I had this thing called a job and these things called kids that he and my "friend" apparently have never heard of)

Ah, yes. "Because this relationship isn't fun anymore!" Been there, heard that.

Translated into English, the above statement comes out as "Because I am not grown up enough to have an adult relationship."

[transformyself]

Funny BG my translator reads: As long as you're going to ask me to be accountable for my actions, I"m going to run off with some piece of garbage and try to pin it on you.

Where did you buy yours?

[steve11694]

Originally Posted by laurie6781

(((((Tigger)))))

You are doing really good. Keep going to your counseling and your Al-Anon meetings and, of course, posting here <vbg>.

Going to give you a brief synopsis of how the practicing alkie's thinking progresses, from my own days out there using and abusing:

"Hmm she's no longer doing what I want, she's going to counseling and that Al-Anon stuff, she's going to leave me, destroy my life (drinking), I'll beat her to it, then she'll be the bad guy."

Now that is the short version, but I suspect that if other sober alkies on here read it they remember their thinking processess such as they were, while drinking. In truth it is a long convoluted process that makes no sense whatsoever, lol I know ............... my old rationalizations and justifications, when I look at them in the cold light of today make absolutely no sense whatsoever. His won't either.

His reasons, don't meant a thing. Yes, you are going to go through grief, and 'blaming' yourself, but please don't dwell there. One day, hopefully not too far in the future you will start to realize what a gift you have been given.

I have no doubt that you will regain your peace and serenity and we will walk with you in spirit to get there.

Love and hugs,

Laurie is truly wonderful for helping us understand what goes through the mind of an alcoholic and how convoluted and absurd is the thinking. Really astonishing and (forgive me) fascinating. Laurie is lovely evidence that people can and do recover(sorry to patronize you)

Tigger, may I suggest you observe some open AA meetings. You will be glued to the seat listening to the astounding, often horrific stories of what they did before sobriety. It will help you to better understand. My heart went out to these people and I was able to look at my own situation objectively. It made me feel compassion and sympathy and helped get rid of the negative emotions. at an open AA meeting just say you are an observer if anyone asks.
One recovering alc had been teaching english for 3 years in a quaint beautiful small city in japan. The only reason he knows it is quaint and beautiful is because in sobriety people that have been there told him. He has no memory otherwise about anything except the quest for alcohol. You/we needn't stop loving someone, just understand what we are dealing with.
We know how it feels to miss someone so much

[tigger11]

Steve - This is the first I've heard from Laurie that I recall, and I am blown away by her translation capabilities! Good idea going to an open AA meeting. Understanding is something I seek.

Just had an email exchange from A-soon-to-be-gone-H. PO'd me and made me cry. I asked him if he wanted a divorce (not suggesting, just asking), and asked him about a quit claim on the house. Know what he said? And I quote.

"Divorce ? ... sure .. good idea !!. Let's go for it. Quit Claim ?? ... sure I'll give you one !! Obviously you have to make sure that I don't come asking for half YOUR house. Right??."

There's a twister in my neighborhood, and I'm in in the middle of it.

Oh ya, I cried. Didn't respond, though.

Another sigh.

[Chrysalis123]

[laurie6781]

Tigger, sorry I haven't posted to your threads before, don't know how I missed them.......and I don't always post.

Now as to:

"Divorce ? ... sure .. good idea !!. Let's go for it. Quit Claim ?? ... sure I'll give you one !! Obviously you have to make sure that I don't come asking for half YOUR house. Right??."

Can you say MANIPULATION ????? Also known as QUACK, QUACK, QUACK.

Now, he'll be mean and try and bring you to your knees, you see he really doesn't want to leave, he wants things to be 'status quo' so he can continue to drink, keep you from your friends, and just keep things as they were.

I would suggest that anytime he 'texts' you or says anything at all to you that you picture in your mind the BIG WHITE AFLAC DUCK with the orange beak. Pretty soon all you will hear in your head and in your ears is QUACK QUACK QUACK

Alcoholics, practicing and sometimes not practicing can be the BIGGEST CON ARTISTS you will ever find.

True story, when I got sober, I knew several (more than 10) also in recovery that were Used Car Salesmen and Women and they were making extraordinary salaries. We are con men and women from the get go. It takes time, some longer than others, and some never, to learn how to be HONEST with ourselves and others and to NOT play word and mind games.

He is trying to playing mind games with you, you do not have to play back.

I would suggest however, you check out some attorneys, get that 'free' first consult, get some answers and pick one you think you can work with, it's called CYA.

He's firing up the Roller Coaster and it's going to go faster. You don't have to get on it and ride it. Sounds like the mind games may get worse and he may get down right mean, why??? who knows except ............................................... he wants what he wants when he wants it and you haven't given it to him (drinking with no repercussions). He will be in for a very rude awakening, but you DO NOT have to be the one to give it to him.

Now is the time for you to TAKE CARE of you. We are here for you. We will walk with you in spirit.

Steve, thank you for the kind words. It has taken a lot of years to get where I am today. Yes, I do remember a lot of my 'weird' thinking and stupid rationalizations etc. As a matter of fact, there are many times, when working with a sponsee that I have gotten that 'dear in the headlights' look because I have finished their sentence or thought for them, rofl

If this makes any sense ............................... I understand the way the convoluted 'thinking' occurs when one is practicing, but do not understand the 'why' it is so convoluted.

Tigger hang in there, continue your counseling and your Al-Anon meetings, your life will get better.

Love and hugs,

[tigger11]

Thank you, Laurie! I know all about his manipulation, hence the "twister" reference. He's a word/thought/mind twister, and it makes me feel as though I'm in a tornado. But HE'S LEAVING! On my first day "here", somebody suggested the Quack quack quack thought process, and I love it. It works when things aren't too bad, but I haven't had much practice. You reminded me, though, Yay! Perhaps I just have to shut up and let him go and forget my questions. Everything will work out whether or not I ask the questions, anyway.

I have the great fortune to have an attorney sister who loves me. Different state, different focus, but a lawyer nonetheless. She'll advise me and I'll do whatever CYA is needed. She says I have some number of days (20?) after being "served" with papers to respond, and can easily ask for a longer period of time. I'll play it cool until I get the papers, and let her read them and decide what to do next.

God is watching over me, even when I forget to ask Him for help. Which I do a lot.

Receiving all everybody's hugs with gratitude!

Tig

[tigger11]

Off to my 2nd Al-Anon meeting tonight. Different meeting. Hope there are more experienced people there.

A-soon-to-be-gone-H didn't say a word to me when I got home. GOOD! Ate, and is now passed out snoring in his tiny room. BETTER!

Talked to my sister and she cheered me up just talking about her day.

Life's about to get less stressful! Right?

[Cowgirl1265]

Originally Posted by tigger11

Life's about to get less stressful! Right?

Its been said already, but recovery looks good on you, Tigger!

[tigger11]

I don't get Al-Anon. Perhaps because SR has spoiled me. It was a bigger group by a lot tonight, and there were certainly nice people there, a couple of great sharings, and real, live hugs. Got a "temporary sponsor", which is something my stepdad (35 yrs in recovery) recommended. Many said to keep coming back, even the new ones. So I will. It's part of my recovery, and I NEED RECOVERY!

A pout for ambiguity. I'm terribly sad that AH is leaving. And looking forward to the insanity of AH being gone. I'm scared. And again, feel like throwing up. The advice that somebody gave to throw him OUT seems wise, but I don't wanna. Someday I'll look back and be glad, and make that suggestion to someone else.

[steve11694]

For me, ALANON was a start. Alanon was relatively mellow compared with AA.

At AA there are ho holds barred. Horrific, incredible, astonishing recounts are told. Many will say how sorry they feel in sobriety for the terrible things they did to their families/friends. For me, Alanon was like the undergraduate program, AA the masters degree.

[tigger11]

In my last post I mean to say the SANITY of AH being gone. My that was a Freudian slip! I'm sure there will be crazy, lonely moments. But I'll have SR and al-anon and my family by phone.

So Steve, do you suggest more than one visit (as you've suggested) to an AA meeting eventually?

[intheknow]

This just smacked me on the head...

Originally Posted by tigger11
I'm just really bad at being alone. It's odd, because I love being alone. I just don't like being without a man. If there's one to come home to, I can spend days, weeks, months without him. I just like knowing he's there.

My fears, to a Tee.

Oh, and I am in on the reunion. Somewhere warm please, we have 13 inches of snow here.

[steve11694]

Originally Posted by tigger11

In my last post I mean to say the SANITY of AH being gone. My that was a Freudian slip! I'm sure there will be crazy, lonely moments. But I'll have SR and al-anon and my family by phone.

So Steve, do you suggest more than one visit (as you've suggested) to an AA meeting eventually?

I had become a regular at multiple open AA meetings/various locations. Eventually I felt I was gaining more insight into alcoholism. Just think of how enlightening Laurie's posts are as she shares what went through her mind while drinking. I attained great insight and understanding as I became a regular. I also made friends and I can tell you there are some great people in recovery. Besides alanon, aa, I also went to counseling where the focus was how to live/deal with an alcoholic.

There was also an ongoing group hosted by a local rehab center therapist. She was great and gave us (parents, spouses, children, families and friends of addicts) a lot of understanding. We also shared our stories and she'd comment and we as a group discussed it. We did not know anyones last names, but honestly, the people there were so dismayed they really didn't care about anonymity, just insight. At Alanon you cannot discuss what is shared nor seek advice/opinions uhless it is after the meeting.

I recall one fathers story in particular; his 16 year old daughter had managed to conceal her pregnancy as she carried small and wore certain clothing. The family was soul searching because she they thought she was was using "ice". One evening they heard a baby crying at home. Their daughter had non nonchalantly given birth(7 months) in the bathroom and was exiting the house to smoke "ice"

[Still Waters]

Oh Steve, those stories are just heartbreaking. I heard many of them during the family days at my AH's rehab.