How much visitation is appropriate?

[sunnyvols]

Hey everyone. My AH that I am separated from wants to have the kids (two girls, age 4 and 6) 3 nights one week and 4 the next. This to him is completely fair. We have nothing legal in place, although the lawyer I am planning to use is supposed to call me tomorrow. I think that AH's plan is not going to work, even if it were only because it is too much going back and forth for kids so young. I think standard visitation in my state -even when the father is NOT an AH- is every other weekend and then one night during the week. I would probably be comfortable with that as long as he is still sober. I also will be living close to the DD's schools and AH lives 20 minutes away. But-should I just throw those practical arguments about convenience and school proximity out the window and focus on the fact that AH was suicidal a little over a month ago, was in Inpatient for a week and is still going to outpatient and daily AA meetings? I really do think he is staying sober, and is much more patient with the kids. You can see that the girls are less scared of him and actually enjoy most of the time they are spending with him. Although by my other recent posts one can see that he is still being an a**hole to me! I think that when a AH has put his family through so much with his alcoholism that 50% custody is a bit much to ask for, given that most healthy fathers don't even get that. I am not looking to stick it to him in any way, though. I just want what is best for my girls, and what is best for me (For a change!!!) I have told him that as long as he is not drinking that I am even fine with him coming to my new house to see his girls and put them to bed any time he wants (unless I have other plans). I think this is big of me given the circumstances, but this is not acceptable to AH.

Advice or ideas?

[nodaybut2day]

Since you already have a lawyer on retainer, the only thing I'm going to suggest is to document everything, especially anything that relates to his recent suicide attempts and treatments. Any records or hospital bills, or correspondance still laying around? If you're going to ask for supervised visitation only, then you need to have some kind of evidence backing you up. If you don't have anything, I would start putting together a timeline of events (phone calls, emails, face to face conversations) that help support your assertions that he requires supervision when with the children. I honestly don't know what you'll obtain from the courts, but from now on, document everything, especially if you fear for the safety of your children.

[Astro]

Originally Posted by sunnyvols

I think that when a AH has put his family through so much with his alcoholism that 50% custody is a bit much to ask for, given that most healthy fathers don't even get that.

I'm an alcoholic father of two children, so I'll just try to relate my experience. It's not for me to say what's best for anyone else or what the laws in your state will allow.

I've been going to AA meetings since 2/21/05, the same day my ex and I started our seperation and divorce process, and I went through the craziness of early recovery, even spending a few days in a mental hospital. I was angry at the life that I felt was being taken away from me, and I took out my anger and insanity on my ex. I never wanted to give up the right to spend time with my children 24/7 and I still struggle with that.

My ex and I decided to use a mediator rather than having an ugly court battle. During mediation I had a "poor pity me" attitude and handed over most of the custody time to her, believing that it was more important for my children to spend time with their mother than with an alcoholic father in recovery. But as my recovery progressed, it became more apparent to me how beneficial it was to our children to spend equal time with their birth parents, so I've had the Parenting Plan modified twice to allow me more time with my kids. Given the chance, I've considered going back and asking for a one week on/one week off custody schedule, a true 50/50 plan.

I'm not a parenting expert, but from what I've read, seen, heard, and talked with other parents in recovery about, is that children benefit tremendously from equal time with both parents, assuming of course that the parents have a fairly healthy lifestyle, and the ones most adversely affected by parental conflict are the children too.

I'm not thrilled that my ex had an affair, I don't care for her morals, and obviously I made her life a living hell while I drank away our relationship and a family, but looking at two of the most beautiful kids I've ever seen, I can't help but think that we both did a pretty fair job of parenting, and we continue to do so. I'm grateful she's been willing to give me a fair chance.

[coyote21]

Doesn't 50/50 = no child support? I would question his motives, how much time did he spend with his daughters before the separation?

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

[sunnyvols]

There may be part of the answer. I forgot that 50% time with kids=no child support. Of course that may have something to do with it. AH is an attorney! He spent very little time with them up until a month ago, as he was home alone drinking during most family events and outings. I took them to school, dance, church, etc. most of the time without him. He would eat with us and sometimes help put them to bed, although I would put my foot down when I could tell he had been drinking. He was very impatient with the kids and they rarely wanted to spend time with him alone. Maybe since AH realizes a divorce is likely to soon follow, he thinks the more time he spends mending fences with the kids now, the better a judge will look on him? It would not look very good on AH if the kids were still as opposed to spending alone time with him as they were a couple of months ago when he was drinking.

[Jadmack25]

Quote: ((I have told him that as long as he is not drinking that I am even fine with him coming to my new house to see his girls and put them to bed any time he wants (unless I have other plans). I think this is big of me given the circumstances, but this is not acceptable to AH.))

How wonderfully short are some folks memories. When he was guzzling his grog and you let him know how unhappy you were and that it was unacceptable to you, he didn't give a rats for you or these suddenly important to him, children.

It takesa lot longer than a few weeks to get from suicidal alcoholic to capable and trustworthy dad, and it doesn't happen without a lot of work from him.

He has proved that he wasn't a reliable or much interested father in the past, now he has to satisfy you that he HAS got his act together, is reliable and can be trusted.

If my girls were that age, and their dad barely scraping the surface of recovery from alcohol and recent suicidal feelings, I would feel unable to even contemplate his having care of them until I was assured of his fitness for it.

Your lawyer needs to know what AH is asking for, and also hear your reasons for not agreeing to his requests. The most important priority here is the girls well being, and that must be safeguarded before anyone else's emotions or feelings.

God bless