So Why Am I Scared?

[Learn2Live]

The alcoholic, crack-addicted person who left my home at the end of January, and who I have been trying to get out of my life since May, has continuously called me at least every 2 weeks since he left. I blocked my phone from ringing when he calls, and I stopped talking to him completely about a month ago.

Today is my 42nd birthday and I was happy ALL day, just overjoyed to be alive and to have a good job and my family and friends at work to joke around with. I was upbeat, singing, just plain happy. Then I notice someone has called (he's on call-block but able to leave messages). I listened to the VM. He left a message that he was thinking of me and hopes one day I will call him back.

So, I did. I left a VM telling him that I do not want him to call me any longer, and not to come to my house. That if he does so again, I will get a restraining order against him.

Someone please tell me, Why don't I feel any relief? What do I feel so scared inside after doing that? Why do I feel like crying?

[GiveLove]

Someone please tell me, Why don't I feel any relief? What do I feel so scared inside after doing that? Why do I feel like crying?

Because that was his intent by leaving you that self-pitying message.

I struggled through a few of those myself after I went N/C. My emotions could get whipped up into a dark frenzy by one of those calls.

Breathe, L2L. It may take a few days to regain your hard-fought serenity, but you will get it back.

Nothing has changed since yesterday. Nothing. He is still the man he was before. And you are still capable of the same joy you felt today. These mental waves are just bumps caused by manipulation rocking your boat. He pulled you back into the poison...temporarily.

You will heal again, I promise. Just keep doing what you've been doing. Small steps in the right direction, and no contact.


And by the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!

[wanting]

I know that for me, even hearing his voice or seeing him for 10 seconds leaves me a bit jarred, whether he's pleasant or an a-hole. I don't know why.

And,

[coyote21]

Same thing used to happen with my axw, it gets better. It's been 3 years now and her 2-3 times a week msgs don't get to me.

Of course the msgs are for LMC, not me. When LMC is down there...all msgs cease.

Whew!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

[Chrysalis123]

[Pelican]

Be gentle with yourself, you'll bounce back!

He has tainted your day and you were not expecting that. You were blindsided.

You have created a life of peace, serenity and personal growth. You just witnessed a small hole where the ugly seeped back in. It was a small hole, but you have the tools to patch that hole.

I do want to wish you a Happy Birthday!

[transformyself]

I"m glad you had a great day. This is just a little bit of work. Something tells me you know how to do that, know how to work hard and wait for the pay off. You're brilliant at analyzing situaitons, seeing the unseen.

I bet your scared. He sounds scary.

But you're beautiful and perfect. Shake it off Girlie. Shake it off.

[bookwyrm]

I hope you can get back to your place of serenity soon. Detach, let go and have a great birthday!

[Jadmack25]

How sad for him that he needs to keep doing this, obviously a sign that he has little in his poor, mangled life. Where-as you have lots, and are Learning to Live. Consign him to the bin, and forget him because you have better things to think of than a loser.

Have a healthy and happy day.

God bless

[whereisthisgoin]

Your posts are always so inspiring -and I want to thank you for telling us about this because it's comforting to know even the strongest people have setbacks. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this, especially on your birthday. I hope today is a 100 percent awesome day for you. Happy Belated Birthday. Congratulate yourself on how far you've come and how much you help people here.

[Cowgirl1265]

Correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds like you did not have a spoken or stated boundary with him before about no contact. You just didn't return his calls and blocked him?

This time you have verbally set a boundary with him, you stated YOUR needs and consequences. No wonder you feel shaken.

I know that as a codie, one of my biggest problems in any relationship is telling my partner what I want and need. Setting and enforcing a boundary is one thing when it is something you tell yourself and then do. But you really put yourself out there when you communicate a boundary and its consequences to another person.

So, my feeling is that in adition to being shaken and upset because you had to deal with contact with your ex on a day when you were enjoying your life and your serenity, you also made a big step out of codependence by making a boundary statement to another person. Just my thought. I know when I set my first boundary with J (it was about him coming to the house when I wasn't there) I was absolutely *terrified.* Not just that I was telling him MY BOUNDARY but at the thought that I might actually have to enforce it by getting the locks changed and then deal with his rage and anger at those consequences. Its all interrelated.

Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!! Big cyber hugs to you, my SR friend!

[MissFixit]

Happy Birthday!!!!

[NewMe11109]

L2L - You are doing well. Don't second guess your emotions - they are what they are. Just keep moving forward and those feelings will pass. Focus on what is good in your life.

[Learn2Live]

Gosh you guys, reading your posts I'm crying. You all are just so sweet and kind and gentle. There have not been many people in my life like that. That makes me cry more, sobbing. I feel like a baby.

Thank you everybody for all your observations, advice, experience, compliments, birthday wishes, and encouragement. So needed. All of your perspectives about this situation are so true.

Still pretty shaken today but had a good cry this afternoon and about to have another one now. I realized, too, in addition to all your observations here, that this whole process has been like closing doors. But it's a slow closing. You get mad and slam it, then open it back up, running out to say you're sorry to the other person; please come home. So you give it another chance but wind up getting angry and slamming the door shut again. After a few times of that, you start to close the door inch by inch, wishing, hoping, praying, wanting them to get clean and sober. Until eventually, it's shut.

Yesterday, I deadbolted the door.

[Free108]

L2L, I'm just posting to send you hugs. You obviously did the right thing, but I know it's hard to make your heart keep pace with your head sometimes. Grief can be surprising too. You think you're in one place and suddenly you have to cycle back around, but hopefully not for as long this time.
I hope you're not crying for too long and back to enjoying your life really soon!