so its my fault huh? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

iawoings · 10-17-2009, 04:00 PM

well my roommate (for the last 6 months is a very severe alcoholic).
we have been dealing with his issues since he moved in and its just way to much to deal with.

so a couple of days ago he comes in with a sweet tea from his favorite fast food restaurant. this is his also favorite way to hide vodka from you "its just iced-tea dude!"

well he was stumbling a bit and so i asked him for his tea. he got mad at me and sat down in his chair. i could smell the vodka on him (yeah i know they say you cant smell vodka but i really can smell it) he sits down and passes out.

so i go in and get the tea from him, it smells like vodka, and it tasted like vodka. (i think he had about 1 shot of tea in there and the rest was vodka) this was one of those super sized cups and it was at this point about 1/5 of the way full. so he had filled up this cup (32oz) with probably 90% or more vodka and drank 4/5 of it on his way home.

well i call his dad (as per our agreement). his dad gets over here and knows he is drinking vodka. well my roommate says to his dad he is not drinking, i am being a snoop, and that he is mad at me for snooping around and not trusting him. i gave his dad his keys (had taken them away). his dad hands them right back to him choosing to believe his son who is obviously drunk, the cup obviously has vodka in it, and then he leaves the house.

now this is a guy who has spent over 50k trying to get his son sober over the last 3 years, who knows for the last 2.5 years his son cant get past 3 weeks, and that it is almost exactly 3 weeks since his last drink.

well so my roommate goes out and gets smashed again and blames me for it. if i had not snooped around and taken his keys in the first place and just trusted him he would not have needed a drink.

his family is now acting like this most recent relaps is my fault. im so pissed off at all of them. yet again im the bad guy here. well we just had a fight because he has started going back to meetings. i asked him if he was being truthful about how long it has been since his last drink. he says 4 weeks i say like 3 or 4 days. he has convinced himself and everyone around him that he has not had a drink in over a month. to me this is some kind of super denial i have never seen before.

i am so not used to denial issues as with my dad he would come strait out with it and tell you how much he drank. well to be honest he never hid it form anyone, we hid him from everyone else (trust me i always had a good reason why friends could not come over or in the house etc...)

well anyway this fight got pretty bad and i even attacked the other people he has told me about in his meetings. he had told me about this girl who has been sober and clean for 1 year and went as far as to say "yeah right sure she is an addict just like you, 1 year is code for like what one ******* week if that!"

well now he wants me to come to another family and friends night and i just dont want to go. the last time i went i got accused of all kinds of **** even the councilors attacked me. now this is a different group so i dont know.

well anyway i guess im done ranting lol. sorry if this was to long to read.

i have told his father that our agreement is off, i am no longer going to call him, i am no longer going to take his keys and boos away. they can deal with that on their own. from now on if he leaves the house drunk i will call the cops and give them his plate numbers etc...

can they sue me for this if he gets a dui? (not that he will actually get one they have a good lawyer who has gotten him off his last 2. usually on some technicality) man my roommate loves to hold that over other addicts head, the fact that he has never gotten a dui.

sailorjohn · 10-17-2009, 04:11 PM

Welcome!!!

Guess I might have missed it, but why is this person your roommate?

What I've heard, you generally won't get sued unless you have deep pockets-large assets or large insurance policies. Of course, if this person wasn't your roommate that be a non-issue.

iawoings · 10-17-2009, 04:18 PM

oh well he is my roommate because i lived her wile going to school.
this place is like a room share. its part of a housing area, well anyway each person rents out a room and has access to a common area.

this guy came along like 6 months ago and him and his family lied to us about his condition. we just thought he had had gastric bypass. he had complications and needed him work done. he is like addicted to everything. i tell people he is addicted to being addicted.

well i was going to break my lease to get away from this hell he has created but issues have come up and im here a little longer. (student loans are kind of a pain and i didnt get a job paying what i want. well any job is a job right now. well instead of my student loans being 1/6 or 1/8 of my paycheck they are like 1/3 until i can make more money)

the land lord dosnt want to loose his rent money(well his dad pays his rent but you know what i mean)

canuckch · 10-17-2009, 04:26 PM

iawoings. Welcome
I am rather new here as well but just wanted to say ((((((hugs)))))). You are where I was about a year and a half ago. You seem completely engulfed in your roommates drinking.
I started my healing process by reading Codependent no more by Melody Beatty. When I first started on my journey it was all about how do I get him to stop? What can I do? How can I manipulate the situation around me to help him?
Then I realized that this isn't up to me. All I can do is look out for myself. Take care of myself, love myself and live my life. Not matter what my partner does.
What is it that you want today? Is there a chance you could maybe try to each get your own space again for a while? I am not sure the reason why you are roommates.

iawoings · 10-17-2009, 04:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by canuckch

Is there a chance you could maybe try to each get your own space again for a while? I am not sure the reason why you are roommates.

well this is a room share the land lord rents out rooms in this house.

i had money set up for when i graduated etc...

well do to issues beyond my control i do not have that money anymore and i do not have the job i wanted.

so money is the only reason i am here. i tried to help this guy and his family and got used by them all. again had i known he was an addict like this i would have said he cant move in. the fact is his father, mother, and older brother lied to me.

i am thinking of breaking my lease and seeing if i can stay with my mother for like 3-5 weeks. i really really really dont want to move back home but this might be my best option. i dont want to i mean i have been on my own since i left for school the first time. i joined the navy at 20 after my dad died from alcoholism, went back to school at 26 and i will be 30 soon. man i dont want to live with my mom at 30 but this guy has made this place a living hell. it was a great place to study etc... now its just hell.

canuckch · 10-17-2009, 05:03 PM

Well as I said I am rather new on this board myself. What is your main reason for posting on SR? What are you hoping to get out of it?

iawoings · 10-17-2009, 05:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by canuckch

Well as I said I am rather new on this board myself. What is your main reason for posting on SR? What are you hoping to get out of it?

not 100% sure. i came here looking to do some research on the subject and a place to start.

my father was an alcoholic (since i was 7) i never really gave his problems much thought. when he died i figured that chapter of my life was over as it were. well this situation is bringing up issues for me that are not just related to what is going on right now in my life.

i have noticed patterns in my life that indicate i need to do something for myself.

this topic was more of a rant, sorry if it is confusing i guess i was just blowing off steam.

canuckch · 10-17-2009, 05:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iawoings

this topic was more of a rant, sorry if it is confusing i guess i was just blowing off steam.

The steam showed. I hope you are feeling at least a little better? And I have to admit I originally thought you might be in love with your roommate. Sorry.

There just seemed to many emotions to only be about a roommate.

I definitely recommend that Codependent no more book I mentioned earlier. You might not recognize yourself in every chapter. But I think it would be a good start.
There are some way smarter people than me on this board. They might have some other book recommendations or other ideas where you could start.

iawoings · 10-17-2009, 06:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by canuckch

The steam showed. I hope you are feeling at least a little better? And I have to admit I originally thought you might be in love with your roommate. Sorry.

There just seemed to many emotions to only be about a roommate.

oh no lol. i have been accused of being to caring for other people in the past. i was a corpsman in the navy and people would tell me i care to much about my patients etc... i guess that might come off in what i have to say about my roommate. i think i might be overly kind to people when they do not deserve it. i have been to iraq 3 times and you would think i would have lost the ability to care about others but for some reason or another i still find it easy to be kind to others.

Quote:

Originally Posted by canuckch

I definitely recommend that Codependent no more book I mentioned earlier. You might not recognize yourself in every chapter. But I think it would be a good start.
There are some way smarter people than me on this board. They might have some other book recommendations or other ideas where you could start.

thanks for the advice i will look into this book.

***Freedom1990*** · 10-17-2009, 06:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iawoings

well this situation is bringing up issues for me that are not just related to what is going on right now in my life.

i have noticed patterns in my life that indicate i need to do something for myself.

You are in the right place, dear.

Awareness is a wonderful thing, and I hope you continue to post here and vent all you need, okay?

24Years · 10-17-2009, 06:42 PM

Quote: "...well so my roommate goes out and gets smashed again and blames me for it. if i had not snooped around and taken his keys in the first place and just trusted him he would not have needed a drink."

Looks like he's using you as an excuse to continue in his addiction...more reason to free yourself from the crazy making behavior. It will be worth looking at why you are so involved in his addiction. The codependent no more book will help greatly to answer that.

Wolfchild · 10-17-2009, 07:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iawoings

i came here looking to do some research on the subject and a place to start.

Ummm...sounds like you've got a great test subject already living with you.

i hope that you will not be chronicling what people are posting here on SR.
There is an atmosphere of anonymity which helps us to freely share here.

It sounds as if you are trying to do for someone what he has no desire to do for himself.
Perhaps you've done all you can and it's time to move on from this the best you can?

kv816 · 10-17-2009, 07:45 PM

I agree with 24 years....he's using you as an excuse to continue drinking. Even if you don't provide any excuses for him, he'll find something else (because his hair didn't fold over right or the air was too cold or the ice tea didn't have enough sugar in it and he had to add something to make it sweeter). There will always be an excuse for him, right now you're just right there in front for the blame to fall on.

Maybe he'll change, maybe he won't. It's up to him to do it though. Nothing you do, nothing you say, nothing you leave undone, nothing you leave unsaid will change that.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't change it.

Bernadette · 10-17-2009, 08:38 PM

hey iaowoings-- welcome!

It's great you found this place! And as painful as it may be it's great that you are recognizing feelings or behaviors that are being stirred up by this situation that may be coming from the past and what you learned growing up with an alcoholic father.

I would just step way way off this roommates side of the street. Don't pay any attention to his comings and goings and what or how much he is or is not drinking. You've got your own side of the street to keep clean and your own damn problems to worry about!

Have you considered going to AlAnon? It soundslike the friends and family group you went to of his didn't work for you, but don't think that means all programs or meetings are like that...I got a lot out of AlAnon. I also grew up with an alcoholic father and I have 3 A brothers - and for sure I had a lot of stuff to UNLEARN from my childhood!!
Alanon and one-on-one counseling helped me turn my head around.

Stick around- keep posting!
peace-
b

worthyoflove · 10-18-2009, 08:39 AM

Why are you concerning yourself with what your roommate does? It's none of your business. Live and let live. Go live your life and let him lives his any way he wants to. Keep your hands off other people's stuff. You're not being caring, you're being controlling. Maybe you can move out and find another place to live. It would be best for you and for him, if you did. Hope you find your way to the rooms of Alanon, so you may find peace and serenity no matter what is happening around you.

iawoings · 10-18-2009, 05:26 PM

thanks all! i will look into this alanon thing. i am basically ignoring him at this point. just working on my things.

Quote:

Originally Posted by worthyoflove

Why are you concerning yourself with what your roommate does? It's none of your business. Live and let live. Go live your life and let him lives his any way he wants to. Keep your hands off other people's stuff. You're not being caring, you're being controlling. Maybe you can move out and find another place to live. It would be best for you and for him, if you did. Hope you find your way to the rooms of Alanon, so you may find peace and serenity no matter what is happening around you.

you right! i got trapped into trying to care for him by his father and him. you are right though i should not try to control him or what he does to the house. i really dont care what he does at this point. if he wants to stumble around downstairs and destroy things thats his deal. i just lock myself in my room at let him have run of the place until i move out. i gave up on taking his keys away (hope he dosnt kill anyone) but seriously i have resolved myself to not care about this individual in anyway at all. just make my plans and work to them.

URMYEVERYTHING · 10-18-2009, 06:54 PM

This is your apartment/room right?

He is just a tenant and not on the lease, correct?

If so, give him his 30 day written notice to get out and let his family deal with him since they feel he doesn't have the problem.

If he doesn't leave, present the problem (HIM) to your landlord. He'll help you get him out.

The quickest way to make an addict leave quicker is bug them to get treatment everyday.... he'll get tired of hearing it and leave on his own.

Just my suggestion... Welcome to SR! You are in the right place.

10-17-2009, 04:00 PM	#1 (permalink)
iawoings Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: VA Posts: 9	so its my fault huh? well my roommate (for the last 6 months is a very severe alcoholic). we have been dealing with his issues since he moved in and its just way to much to deal with. so a couple of days ago he comes in with a sweet tea from his favorite fast food restaurant. this is his also favorite way to hide vodka from you "its just iced-tea dude!" well he was stumbling a bit and so i asked him for his tea. he got mad at me and sat down in his chair. i could smell the vodka on him (yeah i know they say you cant smell vodka but i really can smell it) he sits down and passes out. so i go in and get the tea from him, it smells like vodka, and it tasted like vodka. (i think he had about 1 shot of tea in there and the rest was vodka) this was one of those super sized cups and it was at this point about 1/5 of the way full. so he had filled up this cup (32oz) with probably 90% or more vodka and drank 4/5 of it on his way home. well i call his dad (as per our agreement). his dad gets over here and knows he is drinking vodka. well my roommate says to his dad he is not drinking, i am being a snoop, and that he is mad at me for snooping around and not trusting him. i gave his dad his keys (had taken them away). his dad hands them right back to him choosing to believe his son who is obviously drunk, the cup obviously has vodka in it, and then he leaves the house. now this is a guy who has spent over 50k trying to get his son sober over the last 3 years, who knows for the last 2.5 years his son cant get past 3 weeks, and that it is almost exactly 3 weeks since his last drink. well so my roommate goes out and gets smashed again and blames me for it. if i had not snooped around and taken his keys in the first place and just trusted him he would not have needed a drink. his family is now acting like this most recent relaps is my fault. im so pissed off at all of them. yet again im the bad guy here. well we just had a fight because he has started going back to meetings. i asked him if he was being truthful about how long it has been since his last drink. he says 4 weeks i say like 3 or 4 days. he has convinced himself and everyone around him that he has not had a drink in over a month. to me this is some kind of super denial i have never seen before. i am so not used to denial issues as with my dad he would come strait out with it and tell you how much he drank. well to be honest he never hid it form anyone, we hid him from everyone else (trust me i always had a good reason why friends could not come over or in the house etc...) well anyway this fight got pretty bad and i even attacked the other people he has told me about in his meetings. he had told me about this girl who has been sober and clean for 1 year and went as far as to say "yeah right sure she is an addict just like you, 1 year is code for like what one ***** week if that!" well now he wants me to come to another family and friends night and i just dont want to go. the last time i went i got accused of all kinds of ** even the councilors attacked me. now this is a different group so i dont know. well anyway i guess im done ranting lol. sorry if this was to long to read. i have told his father that our agreement is off, i am no longer going to call him, i am no longer going to take his keys and boos away. they can deal with that on their own. from now on if he leaves the house drunk i will call the cops and give them his plate numbers etc... can they sue me for this if he gets a dui? (not that he will actually get one they have a good lawyer who has gotten him off his last 2. usually on some technicality) man my roommate loves to hold that over other addicts head, the fact that he has never gotten a dui.

10-17-2009, 04:11 PM	#2 (permalink)
sailorjohn Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 2,048	Welcome!!! Guess I might have missed it, but why is this person your roommate? What I've heard, you generally won't get sued unless you have deep pockets-large assets or large insurance policies. Of course, if this person wasn't your roommate that be a non-issue. __________________ No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path. Buddha

10-17-2009, 07:45 PM	#13 (permalink)
kv816 Only stepping forward Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Alabama, USA Posts: 230	I agree with 24 years....he's using you as an excuse to continue drinking. Even if you don't provide any excuses for him, he'll find something else (because his hair didn't fold over right or the air was too cold or the ice tea didn't have enough sugar in it and he had to add something to make it sweeter). There will always be an excuse for him, right now you're just right there in front for the blame to fall on. Maybe he'll change, maybe he won't. It's up to him to do it though. Nothing you do, nothing you say, nothing you leave undone, nothing you leave unsaid will change that. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't change it. __________________ When suffering becomes more difficult than changing, it's time to change. There comes a point in your life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything. It's not giving up. It's realizing you don't need certain people or the drama they bring.

10-18-2009, 06:54 PM	#17 (permalink)
URMYEVERYTHING Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Philadelphia, PA Posts: 430	This is your apartment/room right? He is just a tenant and not on the lease, correct? If so, give him his 30 day written notice to get out and let his family deal with him since they feel he doesn't have the problem. If he doesn't leave, present the problem (HIM) to your landlord. He'll help you get him out. The quickest way to make an addict leave quicker is bug them to get treatment everyday.... he'll get tired of hearing it and leave on his own. Just my suggestion... Welcome to SR! You are in the right place. __________________ If I had only one wish, it would be to cure all addictions.

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10-17-2009, 04:18 PM	#3 (permalink)
iawoings Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: VA Posts: 9	oh well he is my roommate because i lived her wile going to school. this place is like a room share. its part of a housing area, well anyway each person rents out a room and has access to a common area. this guy came along like 6 months ago and him and his family lied to us about his condition. we just thought he had had gastric bypass. he had complications and needed him work done. he is like addicted to everything. i tell people he is addicted to being addicted. well i was going to break my lease to get away from this hell he has created but issues have come up and im here a little longer. (student loans are kind of a pain and i didnt get a job paying what i want. well any job is a job right now. well instead of my student loans being 1/6 or 1/8 of my paycheck they are like 1/3 until i can make more money) the land lord dosnt want to loose his rent money(well his dad pays his rent but you know what i mean)

10-17-2009, 04:26 PM	#4 (permalink)
canuckch Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Canada Posts: 28	iawoings. Welcome I am rather new here as well but just wanted to say ((((((hugs)))))). You are where I was about a year and a half ago. You seem completely engulfed in your roommates drinking. I started my healing process by reading Codependent no more by Melody Beatty. When I first started on my journey it was all about how do I get him to stop? What can I do? How can I manipulate the situation around me to help him? Then I realized that this isn't up to me. All I can do is look out for myself. Take care of myself, love myself and live my life. Not matter what my partner does. What is it that you want today? Is there a chance you could maybe try to each get your own space again for a while? I am not sure the reason why you are roommates.

10-17-2009, 05:03 PM	#6 (permalink)
canuckch Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Canada Posts: 28	Well as I said I am rather new on this board myself. What is your main reason for posting on SR? What are you hoping to get out of it?

10-17-2009, 06:42 PM	#11 (permalink)
24Years Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: WI Posts: 35	Quote: "...well so my roommate goes out and gets smashed again and blames me for it. if i had not snooped around and taken his keys in the first place and just trusted him he would not have needed a drink." Looks like he's using you as an excuse to continue in his addiction...more reason to free yourself from the crazy making behavior. It will be worth looking at why you are so involved in his addiction. The codependent no more book will help greatly to answer that.

10-17-2009, 08:38 PM	#14 (permalink)
Bernadette Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Boston Posts: 1,668	hey iaowoings-- welcome! It's great you found this place! And as painful as it may be it's great that you are recognizing feelings or behaviors that are being stirred up by this situation that may be coming from the past and what you learned growing up with an alcoholic father. I would just step way way off this roommates side of the street. Don't pay any attention to his comings and goings and what or how much he is or is not drinking. You've got your own side of the street to keep clean and your own damn problems to worry about! Have you considered going to AlAnon? It soundslike the friends and family group you went to of his didn't work for you, but don't think that means all programs or meetings are like that...I got a lot out of AlAnon. I also grew up with an alcoholic father and I have 3 A brothers - and for sure I had a lot of stuff to UNLEARN from my childhood!! Alanon and one-on-one counseling helped me turn my head around. Stick around- keep posting! peace- b

10-18-2009, 08:39 AM	#15 (permalink)
worthyoflove Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 146	Why are you concerning yourself with what your roommate does? It's none of your business. Live and let live. Go live your life and let him lives his any way he wants to. Keep your hands off other people's stuff. You're not being caring, you're being controlling. Maybe you can move out and find another place to live. It would be best for you and for him, if you did. Hope you find your way to the rooms of Alanon, so you may find peace and serenity no matter what is happening around you.

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