We had the talk

[Startingover2]

Exah and I finally had the talk about him taking baby unsupervised.

He said now that he is getting his license back soon he wants to start taking her. I calmly and politely told him I could not allow that until he works a program and proves his sobriety from alcohol, prescription drugs, and abuse of over the counter meds for a length of time. Of course that didn't go well and he said "that was all in the past". It went back and forth and I told him the discussion was over. He told me he would see me in court.

I could hardly breathe. I am scared now. Here is to bracing for what will happen next.

[PoetryandHums]

Sounds like your did some hard, important things--good job to your for saying no and ending the conversation!

[Free108]

Sounds like you would have a pretty good case, if you end up in court... he probably doesn't have a leg to stand on. Good for you for doing the right thing.

[Freedom1990]

God didn't bring you this far to drop you, hon. Deep breaths, and have faith, okay? He's got a snowball's chance in hell of unsupervised visitation.

[Startingover2]

Originally Posted by Freedom1990

God didn't bring you this far to drop you, hon. Deep breaths, and have faith, okay? He's got a snowball's chance in hell of unsupervised visitation.

I hope you guys are right!!!

[laurie6781]

Okay, first of all you did very good and stood your ground!!!!

I am scared now. Here is to bracing for what will happen next.

Now (((((SO2))))) first lets back the truck up a bit. Now do some 'deep breathing.'

You know, take a DEEP breath in. Hold for a slow count of 10, slowly exhale. Repeat 10 more times. There now that should have slowed your heart, and cleared the brain a bit. BTW you can do this as many times a day as needed. I know some days it seems like that is all I have been doing.

Now, I don't know what state you live in, but I so know that most Family Court Judges, in this country today, are all about the child/children. I also know that he will have to PROVE to the court he has changed, lol and that won't be easy. On top of that, he has to Petition the court through an Attorney .......................... that costs money and if he gets as far as the attorney and finds out just how much, he will probably continue to hassle you, and amp it up, as the the costs will probably prevent him for going further.

Also, I would suggest now that he has said 'see you in court' that if he brings it up again, your stock answer becomes "have your attorney contact my attorney" and change the subject, go bake cookies, walk away, you get the drift.

He is trying to rattle you, that is what A's do. He wants what he wants and he wants it now and the world be damned. Nothing about his behaviors that you have reported here have any ring of recovery in them to me.

Keep your journal going of all you know and witness, mood swings, nice one minute then total switch ie Dr Jeckle/Mr Hyde etc, keep it current, all the 'visitation' he misses or comes late to, and the few he does make on time, it will go far in influencing the court if this ever gets that far. Your actions are showing the care and concern for your child, his are not.

He knows that in the past he has been able to verbally rattle you and over ride you so this is what he is continuing to do.

I know this is very hard and stressful for you, keep the picture of that beautiful child in the forefront of your mind as this well help keep you strong and in being strong you will be less stressed.

You are changing and he is not so his reaction to your changing is to amp up his old ways of pressuring you to succumb. He still QUACKING.

Please keep posting, as I know you will, as we do care so very much, and know that although we cannot physically be there with you, we are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

[ItsmeAlice]

What a tough conversation to have. You handled it so very well. You stuck to what is safest for your daughter and you should be supported in that all the way.

Let him protest and make his arguments to anyone foolish enough to buy into it.

We are so used to feeling like the bad guy no matter the A does or what the consequences. I get that you still feel scared for opposing his wishes, new things are always nervewracking. You can do this. You will prevail. Have faith!!

Alice

[coyote21]

Originally Posted by Startingover2

He told me he would see me in court.

I could hardly breathe. I am scared now. Here is to bracing for what will happen next.

That was my axw's favorite line when she didn't get what she wanted out of me. Screw the both of them.

I was afraid just like you. I can tell you from my personal experience, that that "see you in court" B.S. costs money....so does beer and cigarretes.

Now which do you REALLY think is more important to an active addict.

One of the last threats my axw made to me was "you don't have enough money to fight me for her for the rest of your life". It's been 2 years now, and she STILL doesn't have a job.

He's mad and trying to manipulate you...don't let him. He is powerless.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

[whyamistaying]

[QUOTE=coyote21;2402834]I was afraid just like you. I can tell you from my personal experience, that that "see you in court" B.S. costs money....so does beer and cigarretes.

Now which do you REALLY think is more important to an active addict./QUOTE]

That is so true. I hadn't thought of it that way before.

[Kassie2]

Just found out about a similiar situation and for the first time the parent got unsupervised visit one day per week. My best thoughts are this: first - we all know it shouldn't happen and mostly likely isn't safe, second -there are a lot of "rules" included which make it extremely difficult for the AP to keep up, third - is something I was reminded of a long time ago related to my own kids and their father
" they are his kids too - we can't protect them from everything in life"

fourth - you have to pray for their protection and fight for it to the best of your ability which you are doing.

In the long run - if your XAH doesn't sober up - he won't be around much anyway - just look at his record for keeping visits with your daughter and look at what kind of relationship he has kept up with his other children.

Keep us posted.

[nodaybut2day]

Startingover2...I'm *right there with you* at the moment. I understand your fear but I have to say, you did so bloody well in the face of your XH's attempt at control/manipulation. I haven't been this brave yet; I'm waiting for my mediation appointment to drop the bomb on my XH and then, I know it'll be all out war.

you have a lawyer right?

[Startingover2]

Yes, I have a bulldog for an attorney thankfully. He gives me a backbone on what to say.

Its been a few weeks and nothing has happened...in fact, exah is over the top nice and saying he misses his family. My guess would be he KNOWS he is not going to win, he doesn't want to quit doing what he is doing, doesn't have the money to fight it anyway so he is just going with the flow for now. Fine with me.

[nodaybut2day]

My XH is behaving EXACTLY the same; we went over to his place for a visit on Saturday, and he was actually *dusting* for god's sake. In the 5 years we were together, he's never dusted. Ever. He played with our daughter a lot, sat on the floor to feed her apple sauce, and was generally super nice and Mr. Super Dad. I could tell something was up because he's never like this. There weren't even any videogames on the tv. The kitchen was moderately clean (thanks to my stepson's efforts no doubt).

When I left, my daughter started crying, because it was nap time and she was pooped. When I got home, I received heartfelt text messages telling me that *I* need to "find her a new home ASAP", and that "she needs her father too!". More manipulation, just of a different kind, from someone who's just now realizing that the consequences of his actions are seriously going to suck.

One thing my lawyer said sort of stuck with me though: sometimes fathers totally turn around and become Mr. Model Dad when they receive custody and divorce papers. For my daughter's sake, I hold out a glimmer of hope that this will happen, but deep down inside, I feel that the need for booze will almost always win.

[Startingover2]

I think your attorney is right.....for some. I know of couples who divorced and the dad all of a sudden stepped up and became an even better dad than before. They were not alcoholics though. No other addictions to fight. I have seen my exah lose everything in his life except his job (only because he works for his exinlaws that baby him) due to his addictions and he still doesn't change and he definately does not blame it on that. He blames others.

I know he is still using alot. I know the patterns, especially on the weekends. We hear from him alot early in the day and then he goes MIA until later that night. He loves to pop a few beers and pills and sleep. I wish a judge would understand my perception of the patterns.

I now understand how powerful an addiction is. If someone told me I had to quit eating chocolate or I couldn't be around my daughter unsupervised I would stand on my head, go to an inpatient chocolate rehab, and take chocolate tests! But...my addiction is less powerful than alcohol or drugs. Exah is weak and would rather keep going in what he is doing than stand up and face the addiction. How sad.

[laurie6781]

I wish a judge would understand my perception of the patterns.

Start documenting it. The pattern will become apparent and will help to show his history. By doing it daily in a journal it will quickly start to show how he changes and when.

Every bit of documentation will help. This is not trying to control him. This is showing why you are fearful of allowing him unsupervised visit with your young daughter.

I am glad you have a good attorney. That is always a great help. And showing the journal to your attorney, that he can see the pattern in black and white will help him also in his quest to get what is best for you and your daughter.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

[nodaybut2day]

Originally Posted by Startingover2

We hear from him alot early in the day and then he goes MIA until later that night. He loves to pop a few beers and pills and sleep. I wish a judge would understand my perception of the patterns.

Holy smokes, are we married to the same man? The day I moved out, I noticed a half-empty foil of sleeping pills on my XH's nightstand. He was previously addicted to them (took 5 a night), and he had managed to "quit" but now I know he's back to drinking his 2 litres of beer and popping his Unisom everynight. A dangerous combination.

With regards to his pattern, when is he "at his best"? My lawyer suggested that I request supervised visitation on the week-ends in the morning, after 9 a.m., when it's more likely that XH hasn't been drinking and when his previous night's consumption has most likely worn off.