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10-15-2009, 08:00 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Only stepping forward  Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 225
| What we don't miss
Okay, I'm having a rough night and just need to get these things off my chest. The whole quacking thread a few weeks ago really helped so I'm hoping this will too. Anyway. I DON'T miss.... getting hung up on just because he didn't like me standing up for myself, my job, my kids, my friends, my family, my dogs, my cats, my LIFE I DON'T miss..... having to listen to him call me a liar and a b!tch and a cheat I DON'T MISS......... having to turn my cell phone ringer off at night to avoid a fight with his jealousy every time it rang I DON'T MISS..... the stale, yeasty smell of beer on his breath the "woe is me" stories defending why he drinks, yells, screams, loses his temper going to bed at 8:00 just because HE said I needed to
__________________ When suffering becomes more difficult than changing, it's time to change. There comes a point in your life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything. It's not giving up. It's realizing you don't need certain people or the drama they bring. |
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10-15-2009, 08:18 PM
| #2 (permalink) |
| I come from a land Downunder  Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Australia
Posts: 895
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I don't miss any of those yukkies either. Nor do I miss, being told what a "bad" driver I am. From he who has had a few DUI's, crunched a few cars, or forgotten where he parked. I don't miss collecting 48 stubby bottles from around his bed, and many more throughout his flat. Sure don't miss the why, what, how, and why don't you, comments and nit picking act of past dry drunk days. I sometimes wondered why I actually hadn't murdered him. My HP working overtime I guess. God bless |
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10-15-2009, 08:25 PM
| #3 (permalink) | |
| Only stepping forward Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 225
| Quote:
__________________ When suffering becomes more difficult than changing, it's time to change. There comes a point in your life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything. It's not giving up. It's realizing you don't need certain people or the drama they bring. | |
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10-15-2009, 08:51 PM
| #4 (permalink) |
| mergirl  |
I don't miss worrying about him way more than I ever cared about myself I don't miss watching him drink around friends and family, and changing from a quiet, respectful guy, to a loud obnoxious, impossible to understand, raging maniac, to a slobbering, puking on him self, falling all over the place drunk. I don't miss living in a house where the only communication between us for weeks on end was hostile stares. I don't miss checking his computer in the morning to see what sex sites he was on I dont miss trying to leave for work quietly so I wouldnt wake him pass out in his computer chair thanks for the reminder.
__________________    *~Lisa~* ban the deed, not the breed~ last drink 12/27/08 <3 (its a sideways heart!) |
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10-15-2009, 09:54 PM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Being Silent so I can Hear  |
I don't miss never knowing if the debit card will work this time, or did he change the pin numbers again? I don't miss finding the doorknob missing cause he got tired of us locking the door at night when he told us not to. I don't miss hearing him being hateful to my child when he thought I was sleeping. |
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10-15-2009, 11:48 PM
| #6 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 80
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I don't miss: Waiting all day for him to wake up. Airing the alcohol fumes out of the bedroom every afternoon. Being scared of what kind of mood he would be in at work. Looking forward to his first drink of the evening because I knew he would be nicer. Waiting for him all the time - he's always late for everything. |
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10-15-2009, 11:53 PM
| #7 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 209
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I don't miss Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I never knew who would show up. I don't miss being accused of something completely imaginary and then being walked out on for it. I don't miss the humiliation of him standing me up for weddings, family dinners, professional events, and other times I needed my partner. I don't miss listening to him criticize and ridicule other people -- often sober alcoholics working a program of recovery. I do NOT miss his selfish, self-centered and self-seeking mood swings. I don't miss being awakened in the middle of the night or early morning so he can glare at me because I was breathing on him in my sleep. I do not miss spending all that energy on just trying to get along and it didn't work because I didn't cause it, couldn't cure it and couldn't control it. I don't miss wondering when he was ever going to speak to me again and then worrying about what he was going to say when he did. I don't miss having to cater to his every emotional whim. Thank you for this thread. I feel a lot of gratitude for the fact of being happy, joyous and free today.
__________________ Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Kahlil Gibran |
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10-16-2009, 02:36 AM
| #8 (permalink) |
| Curled up in a good book...  Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: UK
Posts: 630
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Great thread! I don't miss the fear of coming home at night, wondering what mood he will be in. I don't miss being the cause of everything and the one to blame if anything ever went wrong. I don't miss being shamed and verbally abused by him. I don't miss being tethered to the house because he couldn't stand his own company. I don't miss having to clean up after him when both of us worked full time. I don't miss the nasty comments about other people. I don't miss being made responsible for his moods and his entertainment. And I really don't miss the constant smell of stale beer and cigarettes!
__________________ You are absolutely gloriously perfectly imperfect whether a single other human holds you in their thoughts right now or not. You are completely deserving of the space you take up on the planet simply by virtue of breathing. No one else has the power to define you. GiveLove |
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10-16-2009, 04:34 AM
| #9 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,266
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I am so happy to say that, after 5 years of him out of my home, I almost can't remember what I DON'T miss - haha. Thanks for the pleasant feeling I have just now for realizing how great MY life is these days.
__________________ "Every time you don't follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, a loss of power, and a sense of spiritual deadness." - Shakti Gawain |
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10-16-2009, 05:57 AM
| #10 (permalink) |
| Only stepping forward Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 225
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Thanks peaceteach.....I am working towards being able to say the same thing in 5 years and you're proof it can be done!!! My dreams used to be about where I wanted to be and what I wanted to be doing. Now I have to hope for things by remembering the things I don't want. I will not do this again.
__________________ When suffering becomes more difficult than changing, it's time to change. There comes a point in your life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything. It's not giving up. It's realizing you don't need certain people or the drama they bring. |
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10-16-2009, 08:24 AM
| #11 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Quebec
Posts: 148
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Funny, I had just finished writing myself a "No more" list, so this thread is particularly relevant. I won't miss being pressured for sex and even when I give in, being told that I "used to be" so much better, so much more excited/horny. I won't miss cleaning up the empties, the spills on the floor from when he stumbled around. I won't miss washing out stinky beer stains in my glasses. I won't miss the cigarettes butts strewn all over my balcony, or the smell of smoke on his breath (or AROUND MY BABY GIRL!). I wont' miss stressing out at the grocery store that he's going to ask me to buy him beer, and the subsequent resulting fight when I refuse and he tells me I'm being stupid or controlling. I won't miss being blamed for everything that's going wrong in my marriage. I won't miss hearing him cuss and yell all the time. I won't miss having to listen to his narcissistic comments about how AMAZING of a husband and father he is, and about how my stepson and I just don't appreciate him for how great he is. I wont' miss him yelling at his son for the silliest things and turning everything into an opportunity to "discipline him" (meaning to control and manipulate him). I won't miss wondering if there was still money left in my bank account or if he stole money from me again somehow. I won't miss receiving letters and calls from collections agencies due to the bills he neglected or refused to pay, so he could buy himself what he "deserved". I won't miss the constant arguments about everything and nothing. I won't miss having to act as a buffer between him and my family, and pretending for all I'm worth that I'm happy with him. I won't miss having to coddle him at my own damn birthday party, because he's unhappy that people are only speaking French. I won't miss having to listen to him tell me about the horrible French, Jews, Chinese, Vietnamese or how the entire human race is filth, or about the near apocalyptic future that we need to prepare our children for (yes, I know, MAJOR dillusions here). I won't miss the excessive spending on clothing, junk food, videogames and DVDs. I won't miss watching him sit on his butt for days on end playing mindless violent videogames. I won't miss being the maid and cleaning up after both of us, while he sits on his butt, justifying his laziness with this or that lame excuse. Finally, I won't miss wishing he was a better father to his children. I accept that he'll never be. |
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10-16-2009, 08:50 AM
| #12 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Illinois
Posts: 120
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Funny thing is I sent something like this to the AW yesterday. We are separated. I told her I don't miss wondering how many days that weekend she would be drunk I don't miss spending a ton of time looking for hidden stashes of vodka. I don't miss having to warn the kids not to touch any glass of "water" they see around the house and NEVER drink out of anything mom drinks out of. I don't miss wasting my nights calming her down only to have her explode the next day. I don't miss wasting evenings with her and her addiction when I could have been spending quality time with my kids. She said, she appreciated my being honest. She doesn't miss the old her at all and is glad she is on track to heal. I told her too bad it was so late. She sucked me dry of caring for her as a wife. I want her to heal as there is a woman in there that needs saving but that spark between us is gone.
__________________ Darkness can never defeat the light. The only way the light can lose is if it gives up and lets darkness win. |
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10-16-2009, 08:52 AM
| #13 (permalink) | |
| Only stepping forward Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 225
| Quote:
 right on! A few more things I had forgotten.
__________________ When suffering becomes more difficult than changing, it's time to change. There comes a point in your life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything. It's not giving up. It's realizing you don't need certain people or the drama they bring. | |
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| The Following User Says Thank You to kv816 For This Useful Post: | Jadmack25 (10-16-2009) |
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10-16-2009, 10:15 AM
| #14 (permalink) |
| May it be Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 296
| Nor do I miss, being told what a "bad" driver I am. Recently I bought a gps & realized that not only does it get me to where I want to go, ~ it does this in a calm, nonjudgemental voice. It's like having someone sitting beside you, giving directions, without the hassle  (top end ones tell you which lane to get into, & the street name) It's the latest addition, with my AAA road service & cell phone. It only uses your credit/debit card one time, there was no overdraft fees.
__________________ I am a free spirit, I don't want to tell someone where I am going & when I'm coming back ~ Stevie Nicks  |
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10-16-2009, 10:44 AM
| #16 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 135
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My AH left last night and as I read through these posts I'm have already not missed - wondering how he will come home - talking nasty to the children - lies - blaming me - leaving his tools and belongings everywhere and it hasn't even been 24 hours. lol i love this thread. i already feel a calmness i haven't felt in a long time. i guess you could call it that. don't know what else. i don't miss the anxiety i've had for years i definately won't miss the sleepness nights i've had. soon i know i'll finally be able to sleep through the night and not be exhausted the next day. i don't miss not being a family. having someone here because it's warm and there's food with no contribution to the family. thanks everyone |
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10-16-2009, 10:54 AM
| #17 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 209
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The #1 thing I don't miss is urine. In the bed, in the closet, in the sink, all over the bathroom floor. There's also all the narcissistic B.S. that I don't miss too. And the blame, lies, cheating, manipulation, and just general insanity. And, this may just be personal to my AH, but I don't miss "music quiz." I don't care who sings this song, I don't care that you know who sings this song, I am bored, please shut up. |
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10-16-2009, 11:12 AM
| #18 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: In the barn
Posts: 239
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Good timing for this, I have been feeling very lonely the past few days and wondering if the right thing to do is work on reconciliation. You know, it is still possible, someday, but I don't really see him making changes so I just have to live in the now and now worry about that. I won't miss: - Him screaming at the dogs every time they drank water (because one threw up after drinking too much once several years ago) - The nasty comments about everyone in the world being a jerk and nothing is his fault - The inability to be pleasant to visitors, resulting in nobody, my parents including, wanting to come to my home - Dealing with a hypochondriac who conveniently became sick anytime anything was expected of him - Cleaning up after him/doing ALL of the housework and yardwork despite both of us working full time - Not having to worry about forgetting to close all of the room doors in the house because "one of the cats might scratch something" - Not having to deal with his ex or his stepson because he was incapable of talking to them. Not my problem anymore. - Not having my checking account bounce constantly because he would ignore me telling him that "we don't have extra money this week, please don't go buy anything without checking first" - His complete inability to take any adult responsibilty in our lives and then complain because he didn't think I treated him as an "equal" - Yelling and screaming at the kids - Constantly having three televisions in the house on at once, all the time - Stalking around the house angrily looking for someone to blame for his problems - being called 15 minutes after I leave the house to go riding or do something with a friend and being asked when I'm coming home OK, that's enough venting. I need to go write a gratitude list now.
__________________ ~*~*~*~*~*~*~* A goal is not a plan Hope is not a strategy |
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10-16-2009, 11:52 AM
| #19 (permalink) |
| Alcoholic-free since Sep. 2008  Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Love street
Posts: 2,081
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I dont miss being called fat the funny thing is that nowadays i look better than ever because i am no longer stressed!having a stumbling drunk interrupting my sleep by the hour listening to sexist "comedy" with his friends in the car and feeling non existant. acting as if im asleep not to make waves. overhearing any of his lies you dont know how great i feel when i walk out of my cubicle and out the door from my office. i DONT have to listen! yay!!being told how good looking other women are. WTF was i thinking? jekyll and hyde. i dont miss hyde. and thanks to hyde i dont miss jekyll either. its a scam. being told "i dont give a damn about what you do" in our last "conversation" demi god attitude gothic metal all day and all night .ultraviolent movies and screensavers.
__________________ The unexamined life is not worth living. -Socrates Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes. - Carl Jung There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. - Nelson Mandela |
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10-16-2009, 11:53 AM
| #20 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 66
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That sick, angry feeling I got when I sat down in front of the computer. I very rarely checked the history-- that made me feel worse-- but sitting there imagining what was probably on it was almost as bad. After he moved out, I was mainly relieved not to be in the house with his lurking, creepy, guilty computer anymore. (His alcoholism contributed to our breakup, but his pornography addiction was the last straw.) |
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10-16-2009, 12:23 PM
| #21 (permalink) | |
| Only stepping forward Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 225
| Quote:
TakingCharge....that reminds me of another one. I DON'T miss being told over his dead body would I ever become fat. If I want to be chunky then by golly I'm having ice cream for dinner and no one is going to tell me I can't!
__________________ When suffering becomes more difficult than changing, it's time to change. There comes a point in your life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything. It's not giving up. It's realizing you don't need certain people or the drama they bring. | |
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10-16-2009, 11:15 PM
| #23 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 47
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I got the Clash and him acting like he was still eighteen living in a bedsit in London.....Always down memory lane and acting out like it was still real...I hated that. We all like the oldies but goodies, but ad infinitum...move on, grow up. Lilly Burn x  |
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10-16-2009, 11:56 PM
| #24 (permalink) |
| To thine own self be true.  |
I don't miss feeling that sick, panicky, scared, fearful feeling every other hour.
__________________ God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. |
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10-17-2009, 01:01 AM
| #25 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: 49th State
Posts: 42
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I don't miss the lies, especially the look you straight in the eyes and lie like a dog kind of lies. I don't miss the sneaking around. I don't miss being told that the reason I am being lied to and snuck around on is because "he doesn't want to hurt me." I don't miss the begging for him to stay out of the bank account. I don't miss the anger of finding out he has zeroed the bank account out (again and again) I don't miss the frantic feeling of coming home and finding him gone. He moved out, so he's gone all the time. At least there is no expectation of him being here. I don't miss trying to overhear his conversations or checking his phone bill to see if a deal is going down. I don't miss the mean things he used to say about me to our neighbors, especially sure to say them loud enough for me to hear. I don't miss him always trying to make me feel jealous. Even though he's an addict and 20 years older than me. I don't miss the crazy hours of no sleep. I don't miss the wanting to be the "good guy" to everybody, even if it meant putting us into severe credit card debt, just to show everybody that he was "good" and I was "bad". I don't miss being told that I need to tell him when to take a shower. Really? You need to be told when to take a shower? How about daily. I don't miss all the things he said he liked about me now being all the reasons he uses as an excuse to leave me. I don't miss being asked if he looks messed up and then when I answer truthfully, being argued with. And I will truly glad when I no longer have to hear about how much he wants a divorce and how after leaving for one week he is already over me and our eight year relationship. Since it has now been six weeks, he must be on to wife number four by now. Amazing recovery on his part!  |
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