Is it enabling letting AH live in the same house - Page 2 - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

GiveLove · 10-16-2009, 07:59 AM

My sister went to jail twice and it did not stop her downward spiral. It only made her more angry and self-righteous, and she drank twice as much when she got out.

When you are ready to stop pouring love, patience, and tenderness down this bottomless pit, whyamistaying, you will leave. In the meantime, I suggest you do whatever will bring you closest to a life that you like waking up to. Stay, go, let him stay, make him go.....your choice here will not affect his drinking, it will only affect your happiness.

Do what you can to be happy, and to create a safe, happy life for your children. I would not want to see you back here twenty years from now wondering why oh why they turned into alcoholics/addicts or have so many emotional problems. Your actions now will have much to do with that outcome (not everything, but much.....remember, you are teaching them all of their coping skills right now)

Wishing you luck

LaTeeDa · 10-16-2009, 02:55 PM

You posted another thread a couple weeks ago about "One Day at a Time." This is a perfect example of what it means. Instead of trying to predict the future, (he might hit bottom if he goes to jail, he might not hit bottom if you kick him out, you won't ever go back to him if you split up, etc.) what would you do if RIGHT NOW was the only thing that mattered? What if you had no way of knowing what might happen tomorrow (and none of us does)? What would you do then? If any decision you had to make had to be made entirely based on WHAT IS--RIGHT NOW, what would you do?

L

Bernadette · 10-16-2009, 02:58 PM

Stay, go, let him stay, make him go.....your choice here will not affect his drinking, it will only affect your happiness.

Boy that's it in a nutshell!

it will only affect your happiness.
it will only affect your happiness.
it will only affect your happiness.

It is good to remind myself of this!!!

thanks GL-
b

whyamistaying · 10-16-2009, 05:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LaTeeDa

You posted another thread a couple weeks ago about "One Day at a Time." This is a perfect example of what it means. Instead of trying to predict the future, (he might hit bottom if he goes to jail, he might not hit bottom if you kick him out, you won't ever go back to him if you split up, etc.) what would you do if RIGHT NOW was the only thing that mattered? What if you had no way of knowing what might happen tomorrow (and none of us does)? What would you do then? If any decision you had to make had to be made entirely based on WHAT IS--RIGHT NOW, what would you do?

I read this and immediately I thought, "Okay, what is right now, you mean what if right now he stays like this forever?" You mean now meaning now. It is so very hard for me not to look into the future. Right this very minute...I don't know. Why is this so blasted hard for me to comprehend?

LaTeeDa · 10-16-2009, 05:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by whyamistaying

I read this and immediately I thought, "Okay, what is right now, you mean what if right now he stays like this forever?" You mean now meaning now. It is so very hard for me not to look into the future. Right this very minute...I don't know. Why is this so blasted hard for me to comprehend?

Yes, that's it! (I think I understood what you said, lol) The only concrete information you have is what he is right now. So, base your decisions on that. In truth, people are much more apt to stay the same than they are to change. So, assuming that what you have now with him is all you will ever have, is it what you want?

It's much easier to take the "what-ifs" out of the decision making process. When you base your decisions and subsequent actions on the facts, it becomes much clearer and a lot less confusing.

I try to base my decisions on WHAT IS RIGHT NOW, knowing that IF things change, I can make a different decision later based on those facts.

Trying to decide what to do, considering all the possible, probable, likely, or unlikely outcomes will paralyze you.

L

LaTeeDa · 10-16-2009, 06:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by whyamistaying

Why is this so blasted hard for me to comprehend?

Based on my experience, it's not comprehending it that's hard, it's facing it. For me, the reason it was soooooooo hard to accept reality is because ANYTHING was better than reality. Even my made-up, magical, fantasy world where he would come to his senses and sober up and we would all live happily ever after............................

L

summer09 · 10-18-2009, 08:33 AM

I can relate to this, I have enabled my bf for a long time without realising it. I have threatened to end the relationship, said I would not give him money, not let him stay at mine etc but never followed through because the guilt and anxiety hooked me back in. I am now trying to 'say what I mean and mean what I say' and I am figuring out what my boundaries are, what I am willing to put up with today. This will change in the future but all I can focus on is today. Everything I have done in the past is to get him to stop drinking, to speed up the process but nothing has worked. I only end up hurting myself. I know that today I cannot turn him away when he is drunk because dealing with my anxiety about what is happening to him would be worse than dealing with him when he is drunk. It is the case of the lesser of 2 evils. Be strong today only you have the answers.

10-16-2009, 07:59 AM	#26 (permalink)
GiveLove Forum Leader Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Stumbling toward happiness Posts: 4,818 Blog Entries: 2	My sister went to jail twice and it did not stop her downward spiral. It only made her more angry and self-righteous, and she drank twice as much when she got out. When you are ready to stop pouring love, patience, and tenderness down this bottomless pit, whyamistaying, you will leave. In the meantime, I suggest you do whatever will bring you closest to a life that you like waking up to. Stay, go, let him stay, make him go.....your choice here will not affect his drinking, it will only affect your happiness. Do what you can to be happy, and to create a safe, happy life for your children. I would not want to see you back here twenty years from now wondering why oh why they turned into alcoholics/addicts or have so many emotional problems. Your actions now will have much to do with that outcome (not everything, but much.....remember, you are teaching them all of their coping skills right now) Wishing you luck __________________ "Tell me, what are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?" --Mary Oliver "Action is the antidote to despair." --Joan Baez "False hopes bind us to unlivable situations, and blind us to real possibilities." --Derrick Jensen

10-16-2009, 02:55 PM	#27 (permalink)
LaTeeDa Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: behind the viewfinder... Posts: 5,359	You posted another thread a couple weeks ago about "One Day at a Time." This is a perfect example of what it means. Instead of trying to predict the future, (he might hit bottom if he goes to jail, he might not hit bottom if you kick him out, you won't ever go back to him if you split up, etc.) what would you do if RIGHT NOW was the only thing that mattered? What if you had no way of knowing what might happen tomorrow (and none of us does)? What would you do then? If any decision you had to make had to be made entirely based on WHAT IS--RIGHT NOW, what would you do? L __________________ The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.--Henry David Thoreau I never lose sight of the fact that just being is fun.--Katharine Hepburn

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10-16-2009, 02:58 PM	#28 (permalink)
Bernadette Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Boston Posts: 2,406	Stay, go, let him stay, make him go.....your choice here will not affect his drinking, it will only affect your happiness. Boy that's it in a nutshell! it will only affect your happiness. it will only affect your happiness. it will only affect your happiness. It is good to remind myself of this!!! thanks GL- b

10-18-2009, 08:33 AM	#32 (permalink)
summer09 Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: UK Posts: 47	I can relate to this, I have enabled my bf for a long time without realising it. I have threatened to end the relationship, said I would not give him money, not let him stay at mine etc but never followed through because the guilt and anxiety hooked me back in. I am now trying to 'say what I mean and mean what I say' and I am figuring out what my boundaries are, what I am willing to put up with today. This will change in the future but all I can focus on is today. Everything I have done in the past is to get him to stop drinking, to speed up the process but nothing has worked. I only end up hurting myself. I know that today I cannot turn him away when he is drunk because dealing with my anxiety about what is happening to him would be worse than dealing with him when he is drunk. It is the case of the lesser of 2 evils. Be strong today only you have the answers.

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