He'll be home soon

[Freedom1990]

Originally Posted by Mellane

His choices are just that - his choices. I missed his call again tonite, and you know what? I am totally fine with it. Both times he called I was working on me...and that is all I can do.

That's all you can do is work on you.

I have yet to meet a person whose life turned out the way that they wanted it to.

I think it's just cooler than heck that here you are at SR posting, you've gotten yourself involved in going to Alanon, and you're working on your own recovery.

You know what that means? No matter what happens, you're going to be okay.

If he ends up drinking again, you'll be okay. If it rains tomorrow, you'll be okay. If Santa doesn't bring you a new car this year, you'll be okay.

Seriously. Recovery teaches us we will be okay, even if life didn't turn out like we had dreamed.

[SeekingPeace2]

Not sure if this counts/helps? My brother has been putting my family through this for the past 7 years, now my boyfriend who was sober for 1 year and a week recently relapsed and is in a program as of yet. I just drove 5 hours to visit him this past Saturday and he is coming home in two weeks. I have been attending Nar-anon meetings and they help a lot. I stopped worrying about what it WILL be like, what it COULD be like and what I HOPE it SHOULD be like and started focusing on what I want and how to keep me happy and healthy mentally. I think maybe focusing more on you and letting him fit in where/when you're ready and comfortable is something to think about? Marriage and kids and a dog are a bit advanced for my relationship "adventure" we are going through currently. But, my brother is flesh and blood and even if I walk away, he will always be my brother and just focusing on me and what I want has helped. Like the saying goes: You can not love someone until you love yourself... the same can be applied; you can not be comfortable in your relationships with others until you are comfortable in your own relationship with yourself... hope something helped?

[intheknow]

Seeking Peace 2 - thank you. It did help. I love the idea of just letting him fit in where he may.

Sleepless night again. I cannot worry, I cannot worry, I cannot worry...mantra for the day. Worry only causes me to stress, not eat, not sleep and generally be off balance. And I have been hanging on by one finger for so long - I am tired and just need to let it all rest.

When in the middle of this mess, it was always as though I was trying to fill an emotional hole that he left in me. I was just always searching, looking for that thing that was going to fill the hole. Since he has been gone, I don't feel as though I am still searching for that thing. I don't feel as empty, and I don't feel as lonely.

Weird that I am truly navigating this house and family thing by myself, and the emptiness and loneliness is not here? How does this work?

[trapeze]

Maybe he was taking from you; now that he is not there, you aren't giving up as much?

Today is about me. That's my mantra on this fine Tuesday.

[Thumper]

Mellane and trapeze. I know what you mean. I've often said that my AH does not give love or share love. His love *for* me feels like he is taking something *away* from me.

It is a very odd thing. I haven't figured it out yet and I might even own some of that (maybe I would feel like that in a healthy relationship even) - I don't really know. I do know that I had and have that feeling with both love and intimacy from him. It makes me feel vulnerable in away I can't put my finger on. A little used and not quite real. He has an image in his head and he sees that, loves that, and responds to that - not the flesh and blood person.

Sometimes our life is like one big game of chess. He's the King and I'm the Queen and the other pieces are family members etc. just protecting the King. He plays us all. He plays me, he protects me, I'm valuable to him. But I'm still just a piece of the game. I'm just rolling around in the box getting banged up with all the other pieces. He doesn't protect me, I protect him. I'm sick of that one way street. I've sprouted legs and walked off the board - and believe it or not, once I did that most of the other pieces followed me. The King will have to play solo for a little while. I imagine that will be lonely and exhausting.

[intheknow]

You hit the nail on the head. This love, this relationship - has always left me very empty and sad. He called this morning, and when I told him there were several things I needed to talk to him about, his response was...I'll just call you tonite then. That's right, sure seems like avoidance to me.

[trapeze]

For me, I haven't always felt empty and sad. Now that I have some perspective, I see that slowly that is where I've ended up. I'm sure this happened as his alcoholism progressed, and he retreated/withdrew emotionally from our relationship. Ten years ago, even five years ago, we had a different relationship.

In my mind I liken it to having a puppy, who over time grows to be a big dog. There was never a day where you see it happening, you just know after a while you have a big dog and not a puppy. My AH was a secret, silent drinker, so it really crept up on me. Not one fight, not one unkind word, not one late night out, just one day he was no longer emotionally present with me.

But enough about him. Today is my day, and I am having a good one. I'm beginning to accept that I don't have what I thought I had, but I still have a lot of blesssings.

[intheknow]

Thank you for your awesome post. Puts things into perspective...acceptance is key here.

I didn't cause it, I can't change it, I need to accept it and work on my own life.

Again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

[trapeze]

Back atcha.

So now I will tell you how I picked the name trapeze. I couple of years ago I read a book about change, and it made the point that in order for change to happen, you have to let go of something, like a trapeze artist lets go of the bar they are holding. It is that moment right before you let go of the trapeze you are on that takes the most courage, but you can't catch the other trapeze without letting go of the first. You can't expect that moment to happen without feeling some fear.

I'm sorry for your pain but I'm glad you are on the forum. You are helping me see things more clearly.

[intheknow]

Thanks again for another great post.
I have a lot to think about this week and finally decided today to just let God have this problem. I can't do anything about it anyway. What is meant to be is meant to be, and in time I will know.

[intheknow]

Just talked to AH...and yes, again tonite that stands for *** hole. So many red flags are flying everywhere I don't know which end is up.

I am angry. I am confused. I have a headache. I need sleep. And I just need to let him go.

So why is it so hard to do?

[Still Waters]

Cause you love him? Or love what you thought he was?

[intheknow]

And the countdown begins...26 hours left...

We talked about boundaries last night, and surprisingly he had thought about some of the things I mentioned. One of the first things we have to do together - tomorrow night - is be recognized at parents night for our daughter at halftime of the football game. Seems like such an irony...the proud parents of ________, who are separated right now and cannot stand each other, along with the daughter they both love more than anything...

Did I mention how much I have liked my own peace since he's been gone?!

And I have a conference call in a half hour with his therapist and staff at rehab. Did I mention how much I have liked my own peace since he's been gone?! Tired of this being all about him.

[intheknow]

We are leaving for the airport in an hour. I have so many thoughts and emotions running thru me today, I am not sure that I could find my way up if dropped on my head.

He has called me all day long from the airport, and it is all I can do to respond. The part of me that cares is shut off right now, in hiding and not wanting to come out for fear of being hurt.

The conference call did not go as well as hoped yesterday. There's alot of work ahead, if this is going anywhere.

[Bernadette]

Oh Mellane--
I am sorry to see your sad faces!
You have enjoyed your peaceful time with him away-- hang onto that memory and keep the focus on yourself and your daughter and the moment at hand. One Day at a Time. Sometimes that becomes one hour or one minute at a time!

We're all here for you! Sending you a shot of courage and strength!
peace-
b

[intheknow]

Small update...

Things are going ok. We had a big family meeting (just us and the kids) on Sunday night, and the kids told him what they expected of him. And he told them how they could help keep him accountable. All in all, it went pretty good. I was very proud of the kids, it wasn't all hearts and flowers and unrealistic bs. It was about feelings and disappointments and anger and hurt.

His mom (ENABLER) is another story. She rushed right out and bought him new furniture, because he worked so hard the last three weeks in rehab and she knows it was really hard for him. She called it a starting over gift. Gifts? For going to REHAB? WTF? He wore sweatpants, went to meetings all day, ate meals prepared for him, did no housework, and took care of no one but himself. He told her that the kids and I were the ones who really had a tough go of things over the last three weeks, as we were the ones cleaning up all the crap he left behind. She is also very concerned about getting him set up at his place, as though I am not going to let him have the things he needs. The kids and I painted it for him. We made sure he had a bed, a tv, a stereo, a couch, table, chairs, lamps, etc...but she is so worried that he deserves better because it is not as nice as our home. Does she not remember that he destroyed our home? That the security we need as a family was replaced with alcohol? And that I was the one who made sure our home was nice and comfortable and he could really care less about all of those things as long as there was beer in the fridge?

Makes me realize that if I choose to stay and work this out with him she will always be here, meddling and fixing her baby boy. We did move to another town once, and she spent the entire time we were gone calling, coming to see us, making tapes of herself talking so we could hear her voice...the kind of things that cause nightmares! Funny how when your wife finally grows a backbone and decides to take care of herself and the kids, the mom comes to the rescue to take care of her baby boy.

Things are just so overwhelming right now. I just don't know which way to turn or what to do. One minute I know what to do, the next I am crying and changing my mind. Everyone keeps asking how long he will be living elsewhere, and I just keep saying that rehab isn't magic and I have no idea how long it will be.

He has gone to two AA meetings, and should be going back to work today. I just keep wondering what will happen as he slowly gets back into the real world. Only time will tell I guess and I am not setting any kind of time line for this at all.

I keep praying for a sign from HP to let me know what I am supposed to do. I suppose there have been signs all along...but I am praying for something to fall from the sky and hit me on the head. This thing will have clear, step by step instructions and be easy to do. If only...

[veryregretful]

Hi Mellane - I would like to say good luck to you and remember you are the most important and your kids.

I'm going through a seperation since last thursday. We still haven't talked yet. I wish during the years together he did go to rehab. Maybe I wouldn't feel so bad as I do. As your feeling I'm feel lost and don't know which way to go. All I know is my kids are most important to me right now. One just got caught smoking pot and my son said he did it to escape his dad. He also stated he didn't want his dad home unless he stopped drinking alltogether. My daughter just wants to punch him. That's what she says. She is angry at the situation but I don't blame her.

I don't have much advice as I'm new to this but hang in there and do what's right for you and the kids no matter how hard it is.

Hugs to you!

[Pelican]

Mellane,

Thanks for the update.
((((Mellane)))))

One Day at a Time
and sometimes:
One Moment at a Time

Love yourself today, you're worth it!

[intheknow]

It amazes me each day how deeply in denial I was about the whole situation. I am trying to find joy in the small things, love the kids, and make peace with myself.

[Jadmack25]

The last thing either of you needs is his mum smothering him, so no wonder you are upset.

Is there anyone she will listen to at all, who can tell her to BUTT OUT while AH learns to grow up at last? If so, grab them before she drives him to drink and you ga ga.

I wish you luck.

God bless