Feeling sad..... - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Trying2Fly · 10-07-2009, 09:38 PM

My anger is fading and I am just feeling plain sad about Jane. I feel sad that she is such a miserable person. I feel sad that she's been dealt an unfair hand in life--depression and alcoholism--and I feel sad that we are no longer close. I am sad that the sister I knew and loved is gone. I am sad that I cannot have a relationship with her because the person who possesses her body is an alien to me. I feel sad that she cannot see my point of view. I feel sad that 60 % of alcoholics don't ever get better. I feel sad when I think of all the good things that have been overshadowed by her disease--my own wedding, a concert that we were both looking forward to (and she missed because she was in rehab), countless holidays, birthdays, family gatherings, vacations, etc. etc. etc. And I feel sad (and mad) at myself for taking my anger out on her--in emails that I've sent her recently--rather than taking it out on the disease. I feel sad thinking of her all alone. And I feel VERY sad knowing that there is NOTHING I can do to make her better. Nothing at all. So tonight I just feel sad.

TakingCharge999 · 10-07-2009, 09:46 PM

(((HUGS)))

In AA they told me "you did the best you could, you held his hand".

She knows you love her. That's all you could have ever done.

I agree they seem like aliens. And I am sorry events were overshadowed - I recall similar hurts, not by alcoholism but events where the absence of my dad took away most of the joy.

Depression and alcoholism are both treatable... I am not saying it is easy but if there were no way to recover there would be no people striving for a better self in spite of their conditions/diseases... I hope your sister finds the will and the way out soon.

She is in God's/HPs hands, and so are you ((T2F))

Chrysalis123 · 10-07-2009, 09:47 PM

:ghug3

Trying2Fly · 10-07-2009, 09:54 PM

Another sadness--that these conditions ARE treatable and she refuses treatment. Frustrating is more like it. Errrgh...

trapeze · 10-08-2009, 03:59 AM

I know what you mean. Sometimes I miss the anger. Hope it lifts soon.

***Pelican*** · 10-08-2009, 04:36 AM

You are grieving the loss of the realtionship as it was and as it could have been. Your feelings of grief are a healthy part of recovery.

(((trying2fly)))

GiveLove · 10-08-2009, 09:23 AM

((( Trying2Fly ))))

It IS sad. It's very sad.

I took comfort in always being able to tell my sister I loved her, even when it came out like, "I love you like crazy, but I really can't being around the chaos your alcoholism causes any more."

One of my last notes to her said, "I love you and I always will. I hope that you can find a way to beat this some day, and I hope you understand that I just can't be around you right now. Your refusal to fight this disease is hurting me too much. But know that I'm always hoping and praying you'll find your way back."

I felt okay about that. I was still sad at her choices, but I didn't have the guilt and anger at myself any more. I just....said my truth, and let go of her.

Just sharing that, in case any part of it helps.

I know how you feel and am sending big hugs.

transformyself · 10-08-2009, 10:10 AM

Thank you for posting this.

I"m writing about a band right now, or trying to, and one of their songs contains the lyric, "Can you ever love enough to feel no pain?"

I think about that every day. In fact, I'm having a hard time finishing the article because the music makes me so sad.

If I loved more, was angry and hurt less, would there be no pain about my AH? About my parents? At times, I feel at peace with the way things are, trusting that they're being taken care of and have chosen their own paths.

But the sadness is definatly there. Good news is, it's a stage, a passing emotion that rises and falls.

You're working through some really hard stuff right now. Thanks for sharing it with us. It's really helping me as well.

LaTeeDa · 10-08-2009, 10:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by transformyself

"Can you ever love enough to feel no pain?"

I think about that every day. In fact, I'm having a hard time finishing the article because the music makes me so sad.

If I loved more, was angry and hurt less, would there be no pain about my AH? About my parents? At times, I feel at peace with the way things are, trusting that they're being taken care of and have chosen their own paths.

The answer is no. Pain is part of life. And if it wasn't, how would we recognize joy?

Astro quoted from The Prophet yesterday regarding children. Here is another quote about sorrow:

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."--Kahlil Gibran

L

GiveLove · 10-08-2009, 11:34 AM

LTD beat me to the Gibran punch. That is one of my favorite quotes.

We feel pain because we are human, because we care. You can't love that away.

We are taught to push all pain away, to try to get it out of us just as quickly as possible.
I have slowly, slowly learned not to automatically try to chase that kind of "clean pain" away from me.

Being able to be with the suffering of others, and to be with my own grief and failings and humanness, is an important part of me. I don't hate it any more, and it does not have to kill me. It just...is. And it's lovely, in its own weird way, like some strange but beautiful animal.

LucyA · 10-08-2009, 12:22 PM

Over the last few months I've come to realise that the pain we feel for others is as important as the love, the friendship, the anger, ands every other emotion. We need it, just like we need the sunshine and rain. Without one we can't appreciate the other.

I've felt so much pain for my brother, but it's really helped me appreciate so much more the joy and the love and the good times we shared, and I can pass those good times on to his son. I accept there were bad times, but there were good times too, that's why we love him so much.

Also, pain is natures way of telling us to move out of the fire.

10-07-2009, 09:38 PM	#1 (permalink)
Trying2Fly Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Somewhere, our planet Posts: 174	Feeling sad..... My anger is fading and I am just feeling plain sad about Jane. I feel sad that she is such a miserable person. I feel sad that she's been dealt an unfair hand in life--depression and alcoholism--and I feel sad that we are no longer close. I am sad that the sister I knew and loved is gone. I am sad that I cannot have a relationship with her because the person who possesses her body is an alien to me. I feel sad that she cannot see my point of view. I feel sad that 60 % of alcoholics don't ever get better. I feel sad when I think of all the good things that have been overshadowed by her disease--my own wedding, a concert that we were both looking forward to (and she missed because she was in rehab), countless holidays, birthdays, family gatherings, vacations, etc. etc. etc. And I feel sad (and mad) at myself for taking my anger out on her--in emails that I've sent her recently--rather than taking it out on the disease. I feel sad thinking of her all alone. And I feel VERY sad knowing that there is NOTHING I can do to make her better. Nothing at all. So tonight I just feel sad.

10-07-2009, 09:46 PM	#2 (permalink)
TakingCharge999 A jug fills drop by drop Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 6,644	(((HUGS))) In AA they told me "you did the best you could, you held his hand". She knows you love her. That's all you could have ever done. I agree they seem like aliens. And I am sorry events were overshadowed - I recall similar hurts, not by alcoholism but events where the absence of my dad took away most of the joy. Depression and alcoholism are both treatable... I am not saying it is easy but if there were no way to recover there would be no people striving for a better self in spite of their conditions/diseases... I hope your sister finds the will and the way out soon. She is in God's/HPs hands, and so are you ((T2F)) __________________ Meditate. Live purely. Be quiet. Do your work with mastery. Like the moon, come out from behind the clouds. Shine. -Siddharta

10-07-2009, 09:54 PM	#4 (permalink)
Trying2Fly Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Somewhere, our planet Posts: 174	Another sadness--that these conditions ARE treatable and she refuses treatment. Frustrating is more like it. Errrgh... __________________ "The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go". "When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful".

10-08-2009, 04:36 AM	#6 (permalink)
*Pelican* peaceful seabird Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: floating Posts: 4,759	You are grieving the loss of the realtionship as it was and as it could have been. Your feelings of grief are a healthy part of recovery. (((trying2fly))) __________________ "How does one become a butterfly?" she asked pensively. "You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar." Trina Paulus Hope for the Flowers

10-08-2009, 09:23 AM	#7 (permalink)
GiveLove Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Stumbling toward happiness Posts: 4,818 Blog Entries: 2	((( Trying2Fly )))) It IS sad. It's very sad. I took comfort in always being able to tell my sister I loved her, even when it came out like, "I love you like crazy, but I really can't being around the chaos your alcoholism causes any more." One of my last notes to her said, "I love you and I always will. I hope that you can find a way to beat this some day, and I hope you understand that I just can't be around you right now. Your refusal to fight this disease is hurting me too much. But know that I'm always hoping and praying you'll find your way back." I felt okay about that. I was still sad at her choices, but I didn't have the guilt and anger at myself any more. I just....said my truth, and let go of her. Just sharing that, in case any part of it helps. I know how you feel and am sending big hugs. __________________ "Tell me, what are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?" --Mary Oliver "Action is the antidote to despair." --Joan Baez "False hopes bind us to unlivable situations, and blind us to real possibilities." --Derrick Jensen

10-07-2009, 09:47 PM	#3 (permalink)
Chrysalis123 Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: USA Posts: 646	:ghug3

10-08-2009, 03:59 AM	#5 (permalink)
trapeze Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 234	I know what you mean. Sometimes I miss the anger. Hope it lifts soon.

10-08-2009, 10:10 AM	#8 (permalink)
transformyself I Love Who I Am Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Midwest Posts: 3,056 Blog Entries: 2	Thank you for posting this. I"m writing about a band right now, or trying to, and one of their songs contains the lyric, "Can you ever love enough to feel no pain?" I think about that every day. In fact, I'm having a hard time finishing the article because the music makes me so sad. If I loved more, was angry and hurt less, would there be no pain about my AH? About my parents? At times, I feel at peace with the way things are, trusting that they're being taken care of and have chosen their own paths. But the sadness is definatly there. Good news is, it's a stage, a passing emotion that rises and falls. You're working through some really hard stuff right now. Thanks for sharing it with us. It's really helping me as well. __________________ Love is calling "...if he's going to burn the house down, would you rather be in it with him, or safe somewhere else? I doubt you were put down here on this earth to follow a grown man with a dustpan, a fire extinguisher, and a pack of Huggies."---GiveLove

10-08-2009, 11:34 AM	#10 (permalink)
GiveLove Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Stumbling toward happiness Posts: 4,818 Blog Entries: 2	LTD beat me to the Gibran punch. That is one of my favorite quotes. We feel pain because we are human, because we care. You can't love that away. We are taught to push all pain away, to try to get it out of us just as quickly as possible. I have slowly, slowly learned not to automatically try to chase that kind of "clean pain" away from me. Being able to be with the suffering of others, and to be with my own grief and failings and humanness, is an important part of me. I don't hate it any more, and it does not have to kill me. It just...is. And it's lovely, in its own weird way, like some strange but beautiful animal. __________________ "Tell me, what are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?" --Mary Oliver "Action is the antidote to despair." --Joan Baez "False hopes bind us to unlivable situations, and blind us to real possibilities." --Derrick Jensen

10-08-2009, 12:22 PM	#11 (permalink)
LucyA Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Manchester UK Posts: 1,018	Over the last few months I've come to realise that the pain we feel for others is as important as the love, the friendship, the anger, ands every other emotion. We need it, just like we need the sunshine and rain. Without one we can't appreciate the other. I've felt so much pain for my brother, but it's really helped me appreciate so much more the joy and the love and the good times we shared, and I can pass those good times on to his son. I accept there were bad times, but there were good times too, that's why we love him so much. Also, pain is natures way of telling us to move out of the fire.

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