thyme

hi, i am new here, don't really know where to start. Ok right i am struggling to cope with mainly my mothers attitude towards my alcoholic brother. my mother is 80 and my brother is 46, and i am being made to feel i should be there to support him as he lost his partner a year ago and he has nobody but us , his family. My brother has been an alcoholic since about age 20, and i should add that i also had younger twin brothers, and one died 5 years ago due to alcoholism, also my father is the same and is drinking heavily at age 81 and sometimes my mother has to call emegency when he falls, because she can't help him up. I just feel like i want to run away to the other side of the country to escape it all. i also have other twin brother still around, god knows how he still survives, and also an older brother who is not alcoholic but has mental problems.I have been twice married, i have three adult children, all seem to be well balanced, and i just want a peaceful life. sorry to go on so much, just trying to get it all out

LuvinMe

You can only do what you can, and what you cant do it will get done! I've seen so many people take the role as the family back-bone only to fall really hard becuz they forget to love themselves! Take sometime out for you.

Goodluck!

thyme

thanks luving me, i understand, i must be the backbone

LuvinMe

It's okay to be the back bone, but dont loose yourself in the process. Make sure that you are happy & healthy! When you feel over whelmed then you need time to recharge.

Iwanttoheal

Hi Thyme

You and I could be twins!!

For many years I was also the family backbone.

My AF died 21 years ago. Over the past five years, my codependent mother, 73 resumed up her codependency role with my alcoholic brother, 40. My brother's wife divorced him three years ago (sensible woman) and he has slid further and further into alcoholism. My mother in turn slid further and further into codependency to the point she "fell apart" emotionally - "I've buried your father due to alcoholism; now I'm going to have to bury my son". My mother was repeating patterns from my childhood when she would take to her sickbed during the worst of AF's excesses.

In turn I resumed my old patterns of the family caretaker, just like I had as a child, sensible, reliable me - holding everything together, working through the chaos and mopping up eveyone's sh*t!

I agree with Luvinme that you need to look after yourself BUT I am going to take a more hardline attitude. It is NOT okay for you to be the family caretaker - these people are ADULTS right. In my book, responsibility goes top down - parent to child not down up - child to parent, or sideways - adult to adult. IMO alcoholic families can be really screwed up in this area - they are always looking for a caretaker; someone who will look after them and care for them no matter how badly they behave.

I do not believe that it is acceptable for your mother to "make you responsible" for your brother - you must remember that you have the choice whether to take up that responsibility. What about his responsibility to himself.

I do understand where you are though - my mother used to try to emotionally manipulate me. She used to lay the most enormous guilt trips on me - my brother was an alcoholic, he couldn't cope and needed me; she was 73, she couldn't cope and needed me. They both needed me to deal with all life's unpleasantness and nastiness - poor, ineffectual them. They used me and I let them.

It may be helpful to sit down and decide what are your boundaries. Exactly what do you WANT / what are you WILLING to do for your family members.
If that is NOTHING, that is okay because to carry on doing stuff that we don't want to do only breeds bitterness and resentment.

I understand your feeling of wanting to run away - I did, I got to the point where I couldn't take any more and I cut contact with my mother and brother 5 weeks ago. It has been both hard and good - the relief of not having to deal with their chaos and catastrophes is immense and is the best part of going no contact.

Please stay around - there is so much good information on SR. It will help you to understand your own role and position in the mess and chaos that you find yourself. I post a lot on the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum (2 forums down) -there are many people there who will relate with everything you are going through.

Please stick around, (((hugs))) IWTHxxx

thyme

hi, I want to heal, thanks for your post, i have actually been reading your posts for awhile, and thought we had so much in common. you , just like me seem very angry about the burdens that have been placed on you. I am really sick of my mother making me feel guilty about my brother. Last christmas i was pressured into having my brother stay with me and my husband, as i happened to have a bedroom spare, and he couldn't possibly stay with her as she lives with my dad in a one bedroom place, also my brother and dad hate one another, and it would have ended up them fighting. I feel the problem lies with my parents and they should take responsibility for their sons. I am the only daughter, and from a very young age was always thought of as the sensible one.My parents have always had a volatile relationship, and when i was about 8 they split up and later divorced, and then when my fathers mother died they got back together and remarried, how stupid is that, I have an older brother and he is more damaged than me, i think, although he is not an alcoholic, he suffers a lot with his nerves and depression. I so had twin brothers, one has since died, they were the youngest, and he died at age 39 .I know you are trying to go no contact with your mother and brother, i feel like doing that also, but even if i unplug my phone my mother turns up at my house, and at first she just makes out it is a friendly visit, but not long before she turns the conversation to my brother , and how he is so heartbroken that he doesn't have a sister no more, and couldn't i just go round to see him now and again, because he's lonely. My brother is quite an overpowering personality, and he is in no way shy, but very manipulative, especially of my mother. Anyway i would like to keep in touch with you and hope you let me know how your situation is working out, especially how you are managing to keep them at bay, good luck! Thanks also to Luvinme for your kind response, i know i have to think of my own health and happiness too xx

LuvinMe

I also was the family backbone and it broke me all the way down.. Today, I dont deal with none of it. My energy is for my children.. If I can help a little than I do...

And yes it hurt me very bad to cut them off but for my sanity, I was not kidding... Trust me, they will still love you and lean on you, but with more respect...

Dont be a push over, set up the rules and follow them.. If I can remember it took me about 2 years to straighten my folks out, I ignored so many calls and oh boy they were pissed. Who cares, no one looked after me..


Ask yourself when you need someone who's there?


Take care of yourself 1st!!!

Bernadette

Hi Thyme!
I have been coping with three brothers alcoholism/drug abuse for about 25 years now. My father was also an alcoholic but he did find sobriety and real recovery when I was a teenager - that was pretty amazing.

I've been all around the barn with my brothers and my mother over this stuff. As of today (as far as I know!) one is acticely drinking -he foound his way back into living with my mom - one is a teetotaler but smokes weed 24/7/365, and one is yet again struggling in early recovery, having had a recent relapse after several months of steady sobriety/AA.

AlAnon is what helped me the most- it gave me the tools I needed to have a plan for dealing with this stuff. I couldn't figure it out on my own. It required some initial tough decisions, and scary conversations but very quickly things improved once I started focusing on my own life and my own problems.

I wanted to be sure I was never enabling the alcoholism to further damage my brothers. One easy rule is anything that a normal adult can and should do for themselves I wouldn't do for them. But even that guideline gets murky because sometimes they are just so pathetic and helpless and hurting and not "normal" I would want to rush in and do SOMETHING!! But I learned that everytime I helped them, or helped my mother's codependency with them I was hurting everyone involved. me included.

Glad you're here! Stick around and keep posting. There are many wise folks on here, and collectively I think we've seen everything so you're not alone!!

peace-
b

TakingCharge999

Hi thyme! I hope you get to Alanon and/or a counselor...

I see a lot of issues going on, but none of those are yours!!
Perhaps you just need to put boundaries...for instance saying "no" and telling someone to stay in a hotel. Of course everyone will complain, etc. but hey its YOUR home right? you do not owe anyone anything.

Although my family are not alcoholics I am learning this too, it seems my family expects me to spend all my holidays with them, and change my schedules to accomodate them but as they are coming for 2 weeks I plan to keep going about my life and commitments, and tell them "lets do this activity this day" and I WONT feel guilty for not spending ALL weekend with them and changing everything to fit THEM.

I am equally important ..and you too!

DonneIslanding

thyme, I understand where you're coming from - except I don't have any kids to have had raised or to also support! Also have a older brother who's a dual diagnosis (alcoholic/drug issues w/ BP), which has been painful over the years. He's been sober and taking his medication for over a year now and I'm quite proud of his efforts.

I agree with TakingCharge999; it's very important to set boundaries and discuss these along with your reasoning with your mother. Your brother needs to address his problem with alcohol and take the appropriate steps, and you shouldn't have to deal with the emotional pain caused by his drunkenness.

There were long stretches of time where I simply didn't talk to my immediate family, both due to my brother's and other immediate family issues. Sometimes, those issues were just too painful to deal with as a young man. Over the years I improved at addressing the issues directly and setting some pretty solid boundaries that made it easier to resume the relationships.

Hang in there! I hope you're able to work towards the peaceful life you so desire.

Trying2Fly

Hi Thyme,

I can completely relate to your posting....try to remember the three C's:
You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it!

It is so heartbreaking to watch those we love willingly put themselves into painful and self-destructive situations.

I can relate so much....I am trying to distance myself from my alcoholic/depressed sister and my emotionally abusive parents...it's so difficult. I guess what we have to remember that each person is free to make his or her own choices. And we are also free to make our own choices.

You deserve to live your own life without the guilt of taking care of an alcoholic who refuses help.

Iwanttoheal

Thankyou Bernadette.

This leapt out at me and is good advice that I have also adopted for myself.

I am a sucker for emotional pain in another person - I used experience this overwhelming responsibility to alleviate my mother or brother's pain. I would listen to them for hours just sucking it all up.

When the penny dropped, I realised I was not helping, I was enabling - you see, nothing ever changed. They would emotionally dump, I would listen, they would feel better and then they would go out and repeat their self-destructive behaviour and the cycle would begin all over again.

It got to the point where I could no longer cope PLUS I was bitterly resentful - what about my problems, they were never intersted in ME. Any problem that I did manage to bring up would either be diminshed or exaggerated - I don't know why they did this because I always gave balanced reactions and sensible, practical advice. I guess the way they reacted allowed the chaos and the disease to continue - hmmmn, food for thought.

Another eye opener for me was to realise that I didn't have any boundaries where my alcoholic family were concerned - they walked all over me, I was completely enmeshed and a doormat, big style but it was me who was letting them.

Once you start getting those boundaries in place, it is a positive, empowering experience. One small step at a time.

Keep strong Thyme, IWTHxxx

Iwanttoheal

Hi Thyme

Feel free to send me a pm any time but do keep posting - these guys are just amazing, they have been where we are and are so insightful and are so willing to share their ESH.

I see at lot of myself in your post. For me I somehow LOST myself in my alcoholic family, I defined myself in their terms, my emotions were sooooo dependent on them, whenever they phoned or called I dropped everything to tend to THEIR needs - I responded and reacted. My role was to be Mum, backbone and caretaker of the alcoholic family. I have seen myself put their needs before those of my own family - absolutely CRAZY.

A good book for me was Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Just like alcoholism has stages, codependency also has stages or degrees. I am not an addict BUT my own codependent behaviour was VERY unhealthy.

I can SO relate to friendly conversations that always end up talking about personal problems and issues. That was my life for soooo many years. I was the emotional garbage bin for my mother and brother. That was another eye opener for me - I realised that I got NOTHING out of interactions with them - no fun, pleasure, no good times - I was always left feeling absolutely down, exhausted, bitter and resentful - thinking that's another X hours of my life that I'll never get back.

I don't feel that I am keeping them at bay, I don't have that power - I am just glad that they are choosing to leave me alone. I am using this time to work on me and my family.

kelsh

Hi Everyone,

It has been an amazing morning for me. I was reading these posts above & thinking about my Brother who has been drug free & sober for almost a year.

Then the phone rang & it was my Brother calling. He always wants me to guess who he is....next time I am going to say "Mickey Mouse"...he is a lover of Mickey Mouse from our childhood...even has a small Mickey Mouse Tatoo.

He is 67 & I am 69 and we are both sober....he since 10/31/2008 and I have been sober since 7/10/1988. Our Dad got sober & our Mom did not have a problem with alcohol...but had untreated depression.anxiety. They both passed on...Mom in 1996 & Dad in 2000.

My Mom & Dad were very good with enabling my Brother. They bailed him out of jail, paid late bills, etc. They even paid for treatment expenditures that weren't covered by his current job. Even though I was an alcoholic myself, I was considered the more responsible one according to my Mom. She said that I spent pennies like my Brother spends dollars.

I agree that enabling is a hard to stop issue but it needs to be stopped or the alcoholic or drug user just keep on heading toward a certain death or prison.


I enabled myself the last four years of my drinking and was close to death & insanity before I asked for help the second time around. It is hard to believe how many life changes I have made the past 21 years....all sober.

I finally accepted I had to do it for myself & no one else for it to work for me. But also at the same time my sobriety helped others along the way.

kelsh

thyme

hi kelsh, glad to hear you got your brother on the right path, just wish i could do the same with mine xx

GiveLove

Thyme,

None of us can "get each other on the right path" -- we don't have that power.

You do not possess a magical combination of things you can say or do that, if you can just find it, you will be able to make things all better.

None of us has that, though all of us go through a phase where we think we do. And we feel so inadequate that we can't figure it out.

Your brother has to decide he wants recovery, and then embrace it with his whole self. This is not up to you. This is up to him.

Big hugs to you, from someone else out here with an addicted brother

Spiritual Seeker

You could move to North Wales or the Isle of Man !!
Short of that you have other choices.

In alanon we learn that it is okay detach from our loved ones because the insanity of their lives is too much. We learn to do what creates serenity for us.
If our loved ones stay addicted or continue to enable we can choose to get healthy.
We are powerless to control it so we learn to control what we can...and that is
what we allow into our lives.