Waste my breath some more?

[Firefighter]

It's been a week since I've said anything to her about drinking. Every night she has been drinking. She hides the wine. I'm not sure why, it's so obvious. At least I don't look for it anymore. I've told her when she chooses to drink, she's choosing not to be with me. I am obviously no competition.

I'm trying to decide to say something in the morning. However, I know I'll be wasting my breath again. I've asked her to get help, she won't. She says she will handle it her way, which as far as I can see means hide the bottle and keep drinking. I just can't face the fact that there is NOTHING I can do.

How many days or years before rock bottom? I don't know if I can or want to wait for it to happen. There's no end in sight.

What can I say that will make a difference?

[JT]

Words are useless. There is nothing you can say. There is a saying in Alanon about doing the same things over and over and expecting different results....that is the definition of insanity.

What you do is up to you, but know that the only one you can change is you. Your reactions, your expectations belong to you. What she does and does not do, does not.

I would suggest Alanon...do some reading or attend some meetings before you make a decision. At least you will be more informed.

Hugs,
JT

[QTpie]

Firefighter

I’m sorry to tell you this nothing you say will make her stop. Nobody knows when you’re A will hit her bottom not even her. The only thing that I can tell you is that when we work on ourselves and concentrate on ourselves. Our lives get better and in turn that is helping the A in your life. You have the choice of obsessing over her behavior or working on your own. I would suggest that you look into some alanon meetings in your area.

Hugs, Colleen

[Gabe]

from the most sincere part of your heart. If that gets heard...wonderful. If not, maybe it's time to start thinking about a life that will make you happy. Because, you do deserve that kind of life. Hugs Firefighter. It's hard to live with a person who is a ghost of who they used to be.
Peace,
Gabe

[marie]

Firefighter, I've been there. My husband is 2 yrs sober and things are wonderful. However, before he got into recovery, we went round and round--his denial, my accusations, then ambivalence...it was all pretty quietly awful. He did try getting sober on his own (this is common) but it didn't take (no surprise). Now he's happy, balanced and participating in the meetings.

What helped: I started going to Al anon. Here and local meetings. After the initial fear, I made supportive friends there. It made a big impression on my husband that I took off every Friday night. Sometimes I'd remind him that we used to spend Friday nights as a family, watching movies and hanging out.

Also: it became clear that we couldn't go on. Nor could I wait for him to "hit bottom" with a DUI or other infraction. He was a very high functional alcoholic, and never got in trouble over it.

So finally I went to see a lawyer. She was incredible! She could tell I wasn't ready for the huge step of separation, so she advised a legal "separation of assets" agreement which would protect me in the event that he did get a DUI or otherwise exposed us to liability. The plan was that he would be required to sign it, or I'd go ahead with the next step, which I DIDN'T want to do because I adore him and he's my best friend.

Just seeing the Separation of Assets agreement was his "bottom." The next day, he went to a counselor, started 1-3 meetings PER DAY and committed totally to his sobriety.

I'm not sure if any of this will work for you, but I wanted to share. Sometimes the "bottom" is seeing you take action to help yourself.

Good luck and God bless,
marie

[Firefighter]

Thanks. That all helped me very much. I spoke from the heart and she has given me two consecutive nights of sobriety. She usually doesn't make it past 3 nights.. but this time, she asked me to show her some websites and asked to see some of the books I ordered. This is new. What's the one perfect book for my best and maybe only shot?

[jessieandme2003]

I am glad she is interested in helping herself. That is great news. Just be careful about wrapping all of your happiness up in her success or failure in her attempt at sobriety.
Keep reading, firefighter. You will be so much better off the more you know. Read everything here, and the power posts. I strongly recommend you take the time to understand their disease. You need to fully understand the phrase you didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it and you can't Control it.

[LettingGo]

Firefighter,

The book that saves many is the AA Big Book

LG

[EmotionalMeg]

Hi firefighter,

I have met you before... But Am very glad we have a GUY in the mix

Whew...
I am sitting here wondering just what I can say to you. Something thoughtful and with just the right amount of encouragement to "get you movin".
But, alas... I am codependant . I can't MAKE you do anything.

I have been where you are right now. My husband is an Alcoholic and an Addict; we have been together for over 8 years, married for 4. He has been "sober" for barely 6 months all combined.
And I'm tellin ya, I fought tooth and nail for his sobriety. I begged him, screamed and cried and threatened divorce to get him to stop... and he kept right on going. I was so angry, and hurt. I was also frustrated, lonely and extremely helpless. I think that this is where YOU sit... am I right?

Would you believe me if I told you that there IS a solution for YOU?
I didn't either. I wanted to fix HIM, cuz THATS where the problem lies; I was fine.

I made an appointment to see a Drug and Alcohol counsellor in our area over a year ago - the appt was for ME, to get HIM help. This one appt probably helped more than I know. The counsellor made a "tentative" appt for my AH to see him, and he told me to get my butt to an Alanon meeting. Somehow, even tho I had been told to go to Alanon before, hearing this man suggest it made it seem practical.

And for the first few meetings I just sat and listened... waiting for the LIST of things I could to HELP him. I cried whenn I shared, cuz I was so scared of what COULD happen, and because I felt so frustrated and helpless.
Eventually, it began to sink in... I wasn't here for HIM at all.
Here sat men and woman, going thru similar things (and even worse), and still managing to live happy, healthy and peaceful lives.
There IS a solution. There is a power we own over this disease, and it has everything to do with us.
See, we ARE the "sick" ones also. All the bitching and complaining, moaning and crying and threatening we did, was insanity; we were doing insane things in our our attempt to CHANGE something which we have no control over. Nothing we do or say will EVER help them... we can only help ourselves by letting in ALL go.

So, slowly (verrry slowly ), I began to change MY thinking. I learned about detachment, and about dropping expectations... about living in TODAY and being grateful. I learned to leave my husbands disease alone - I gave it back to him.

And it worked!
I was slowly beginning to feel better. I made a committment to myself to keep motivated; to keep going to meetings, and reading, and coming here to share. My WORST day now, is better than the BEST day I ever had over a year ago.
I still falter. I still want to HELP him... but I stop myself, and just trust that my HP will take care of things.
My husband has tried sobriety a few times since. He was sober for 3 months at first, and is now heading into 5 months sober. He has drank and got sober... and drank again. He has struggled and fallen so many times - but NOW, I don't go down WITH him.

The best part?
I am happy. I say that with total honesty.
I AM happy.
YOU can be too...

Hope you come back and share. And I hope you'll give Alanon a try.
take care
Meg

[jessieandme2003]

You said it all so well. I wanted to say exactly that to firefighter, and just didn't know how. You said it just right. Way to go. I'll bet it felt good to see it all written out like that and again realize how far you've come.
Firefighter, I know this may seem overwhelming right now. It takes time to actually believe you can do nothing to 'make her see'. To really understand their motivation is within them, and no outside motivator is going to do it.
I was upset at first because I would read how other people's spouses were attempting sobriety and mine simply did not want to admit he had a problem. I wondered why he didn't love me enough to choose me over drink, when it seemed other peoples spouses chose them when faced with divorce. I wanted to learn what those people did to get their spouse to see how serious they were and agree to quit.
But it doesn't work that way.
The best thing I have done for my AH is give his disease over to only him. His family did it with me. I simply didn't want the responsibilities anymore that came with caring for him. I was ready to move on and not help protect him from his consequences. I detached.
Once on his own he began to feel the consequences that choosing to drink was bringing to his life. At first he was fine with it (first he lost people in his life, and felt he didn't need them anyway). He replaced us with drinking buddies and party people. But eventually those shallow relationships were not enough, and he knew he wanted his life to be different. He wanted it to be a way he knew he could only have by not drinking. Then HE made the decision to stop. It has been 37 days.
A few times before he 'quit' because he had done something so bad that he knew either a family member or myself would not be able to accept it. He'd blame his behavior on the drinking, say he needed 'help' (rehab), go through the motions, and then go back into denial. Those attempts never lasted, most likely because he was just doing it to appease others.
At some point they must decide their life is so unbearable because of their drinking that not drinking looks better. Only they can reach that point. Because until then, drinking looks better than anything else. Nothing is worth having to give it up. For some that 'bottom' is very low indeed. Some never reach it. Some reach it by merely losing a relationship (I say merely when you compare it to jail, health consequences, etc.).
And even after you get that far, they can relapse and begin drinking again. A month later, a year later, 10 years later. We have to know how we would take steps to get through that, so that we can continue to live a happy life.
I don't know if I am explaining this well. It is just my observations, from my experiences so far. I just hope hearing from others as we go through this will seem helpful to you. It was helpful for me when I first came here and other people shared. It still is!

[Daffodil]

Welcome Firefighter,

There is really nothing more I can add to all or any of the above that hasn't already been told to you...Now that you know how "we" live with or without the addictions of someone we love YOU have been given a chance to change how you respond to someone's drinking.....

Your happiness does not have to depend on whether someone is drinking or not.... A. Lincoln said...Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be. I really doubt there are few people in the world who lead a more difficult life than Mr. Lincoln...

Love and prayers from one who cares.

[CarolD]

the book that finally got me to quit..

"Under The Influence" by Dr. James Milam

I give it to all my AA sponsees...you can buy it at Amazon about $8.

Even wuth AA I did not stay sober. I needed to know WHY I drank.

My very best to both of you...

[Firefighter]

Six days now. A record.

Meg, Jessie, All,

I'm printing this thread and keeping it close by to read over and over.

You were exactly where I am. I know that even though the six days are a record, the slip is coming. When it does, I'll read what you've written again. She's irritable, but sober. I'll keep speaking from my heart, understanding the disease, and hoping, but most of all, making healthy choices for myself.

Thank you all so much,
FF

[Gabe]

a remarkable job of dealing with this. I'm so glad to hear that there is some amount of healing going on in your relationship. The tricky part of all this is that it's hell when they are sick...and sometimes it's hell when they are getting well too. Hang in there pal. Every day spent on the road to recovery is a gift, no matter how long the journey is.
Peace,
Gabe

Hi Firefighter,

I am your wife, only I am sober now...and living one day at a time in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Please hear me when I share this with you. There is nothing you can say, or do to "make" your wife listen, or get sober.

The one thing that seemed to work in my own case was when everyone backed off, said nothing to me, didn't even mention my drinking at all anymore.......... they were doing exactly what I had asked them to do......"LEAVE ME ALONE"

They did, and the most strange thing happened for me. I had no one to blame anymore, I had no one to use as an excuse any more, and I was forced to take a good look at ME.

Did I get sober then....... nope. But at that point I knew there was something drastically wrong with my drinking....and with me.

Firefighter...... I know how hard it is to think that if you could only find the right words, or the right thing to do.....so she would get sober. Alcoholism has nothing to do with you Firefighter at all..........this is a disease, one of pure denial...... until I was ready to do something about me and my drinking....... I just continued to do the same things over and over again.

My family leaving me alone, and being silent. Not in anger or resentment.........they just left me to deal with all my own crap..... the outside and the inside crap. When I finally was left alone with me........ I had my moment of clarity......... and I finally did something about it. I went to AA, without any prodding from them at all.

So Firefighter.... I would suggest Alanon meetings. Where you can learn how to live your life, and actually enjoy it.........no matter what she chooses to do.

Renewd