Venice

I told my abusive AH on Friday that the marriage was over. He reacted as I expected, with verbal abuse which escalated to harassment and confrontation in front of the kids yesterday. He said he would not cooperate, not agree to anything and definitely not move out. He made it clear he would make everything as difficult as possible for me and is trying to intimidate me.

I saw the lawyer yesterday and was quite disappointed - not what I expected! I was back to square one today but my therapist provided me with a contact for a lawyer that she said was excellent. I hope I'll have better luck and will be able to move to the next step in the process which is to try to get him out of the house.

The kids seem to be ok with the separation news. I felt they were generally supportive. I've tried to reassure them as much as possible. This is all coming at a terrible time as they start school this week. My AH at one point suggested we take turns with alternate weeks staying at the house with the kids but I can't do that - I can't imagine agreeing to leave them for one week out of two with an abusive father.

I'm totally exhausted from the past few days and need to know this will all be worth it from those who've been down this road before.

Pelican

Oh Venice,

I'm sorry that this is so hard on you right now. I promise it does get better. Right now he is acting out and trying everything and anything to get his life back to normal. He just wants everyone to shut up, get off his case and go back to your rooms and let him drink, eat, sh!t in peace. He goes from saying he won't cooperate to suggesting house sharing?? He'll be all over the place with quacking!

I was a basket case after my first conversation with a lawyer. Wrong lawyer! He had me convinced that I couldn't afford to divorce my alcoholic. It would be an expensive, long legal battle. I couldn't finish our consultation I was crying so hard (phone consultation arranged through work program), I said through my tears: "You're telling me I have to spend the rest of my life married to an alcoholic!" After I calmed down, slept, SR'd, and got my head on straight; I got angry. I'll file for bankruptcy. I'll live in a one bedroom efficiency and ride my bike to work. I'll go back to working 2 jobs. I'll live on peanut butter and jelly, again! But I will not stay married to an alcoholic!

I was not going to let a stranger tell me what was best for my life and my children.

Hopefully, you will have better results with your next lawyer.

In your case, the timing may be good for the children. They will be in school, distracted, hanging with their peeps and stepping out of the negative energy pool for a few hours each day, right?

I'm concerned about your safety. Do you keep your cell phone with you in the house? Do you keep some items stashed in your car in case you need to leave in a hurry?

Please take care of yourself. One Day At A Time!

isurvived

Oh yes, you will make it through this, and you'll be OK. (been down that road).
If your AH is physically abusive, or has that on his record by chance... you can use that to get him out of the home. Get a restraining order. I got one that lasts for 4 years! (It's bliss!)

Try not to worry about all the details all at once. One step at a time, and keep your eye on the goal... which is happiness and freedom!

naive

yes, you'll get through this, venice.

one thing i find i can count on, is that alcoholics say a lot of things, but do very few of them. see, that would require a clear head, planning, organization and some work. i wouldn't pay much mind to his threats, you just keep working your plan and turning it over to your higher power.

i hope it goes well with the second lawyer.

Deb42

Venice,
Yes, you will get through this.. .the toughest part, you have already done. .. you
made a decision to "take care of you". That in itself is a big step . . . like everyone
said "pay no mind" to all the crap that's coming out of his mouth. . . He IS trying
to intimidate you but just ignore him. ..and no don't fall for sharing every other
week w/ the kids. . .that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard a guy say to his
wife .. ... I've been down this road too. . .about the 1st lawyer, had the same
thing happen (different situation) the lawyer had me crying so hard , I was crying
so hard and shaking and hyperventilating before I even got to the elevator...
Your lawyer sounds like vicitimized you all over again by not helping you.
The 2nd lawyer I got was the sweetest, nicest helpful lawyer I've ever met.
They're not all the same. If you got the courage to make a decision to get
divorced. . you can do anything . . . .take a deep breath, don't listen
to anything that comes out of AH's mouth . .. .. Just tell him when he starts
giving you crap . . just say "AH, GUILT BY MANIPULATION" and tell him
you're not going to listen or reason w/ the alcohol. .PERIOD ..
He's just talking ... . .he can talk the talk , but good chance he's
not going to walk the walk. . . . .not to be funny, but if you can get
some cheap HIGH boots at salvation army, just put them on when
he opens his mouth becuase it's all "sh*T" and putting the boots
on will remind you. . .you gotta have a little humor to get you throug
this. He's so unhappy, he wants to bring you down with him. .
you're too smart for that. . ...alcoholics think the world should center
around them and they are faultless and invincible . .. been there done
that, becuase I used to be one. . . .I said all kinds of things when
I was mad and didn't get my way, I never meant any of them. .
alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful. . but that doens't mean
that HE is . .. . everything will turn out . .. one day at a time ..
He's trying to guilt you with intimidation .. it's just a tactic that
he's trying on you.. ..don't fall hook, line and sinker for it.
may you have peace during this storm . ....
Just keep your mind on the goal . . . .getting away from him.
If he threatens you physically or lays ONE hand on you just ONE time
you can get a PFA (restraining order) against him and he'll
have to leave the home and then you can think straight without
having to listen to his babble. .

peace be with you.

brundle

You'll get through this! You live with an alcoholic you can do anything!!! Whatever happens you know that it has to end up better then where your headed now. In the end you'll be glad you did and your saving your kids too!!!

Hugs....

Venice

Pelican,

Thank you.

My therapist said she is aggressive, which is what I need, and that judges are scared of her. I'm waiting for her to contact me.

Yes, I've told them their job is to focus on school and not to worry about "adult" problems, that we'll work things out.
I have my cell on me at all times. I went to the police station the other day and they said they can't so anything unless he threatens my physical safety or touches me (not sure why they didn't arrest him last week when he shoved me...). I've slept at a friend's place one night and at my brother's another night but I can't stay away from the house for too many nights because it could jeopardize my chances of successfully obtaining a court order to get him out of the house.

Thanks for the words of support.

Venice

Deb,

Thank you so much.

Yes, every time I feel bad, I keep reminding myself that I'm looking after MY needs now and not his.

Thanks - I needed to laugh! I'll try to keep this thought in my mind next time he starts and it'll probably make me smile.

Yes, you're right, and that's why I'm getting out - so he doesn't bring me or the kids with him while he self-destructs.

Learn2Live

Hi Venice. Thanks for the update. Yours is a loaded post but I only have time for one comment.

I don't know what will "work" in this situation but I have come to realize that alcoholics and addicts have as much anxiety and panic as we do. They are not able usually to stay in the present moment. A future alone is very scary to them. They are obsessed with their drug of choice. They rely on their family to be there to support them in ways that we are not aware of. They are often severely dependent upon their spouse, in more ways than what we complain about. They ARE very much like children, in more ways than we "make fun" of them.

My first suggestion is, when you are planning to discuss things with him is make sure he is sober when you do so. This is inconvenient, yes, but probably the most effective.

Second, keep in mind where he is coming from. He may not just be trying to be difficult and get back at you. He is probably VERY scared of the future. Whenever a person yells, it means they are scared.

He has no program, so he is not practicing the tools he needs to be able to handle life at a healthy level. So, try not to approach him with so much reality. Yes, you may be completely fed up and ready to move on. But he is not. So, try to soften it a little, for only your own sake and your own sanity. You don't need to feel sorry for him. But know how much he can emotionally handle and try to adjust your words, their presentation, and the reality you are painting to him, and be reassuring. It's kind of like talking to a three-year old. And I don't mean that in a mean way.

I hope some of this makes sense and that it is helpful or useful.
Hang tough. You can do this.

Cowgirl1265

You have a great mindset, your determination comes through in every word you write. I am praying you'll find a better lawyer. Couple of thoughts -- if he pushed you and the police didn't arrest him, make sure the attorney knows this, in many states all you need to prove is that he makes you feel physically threatened. Since he is alcoholic and abusive, you most definitely have grounds for a restraining order. If you can get one, of course he will have to leave the home. Your therapist's written statement should buy you a lot of credibility.

You may want to request for an emergency custody hearing to get sole custody of the kids with his drinking as a factor. If he's actively drinking,he shouldn't have unspervised time with the kids, particularly if he is hostile toward you.

You're in my thoughts, praying that things go as peacefully as they possibly can for you and your kids.

Venice

Cowgirl, I'm not sure what you mean by this?

Thank you for your words of encouragement.

Venice

Learn2Live,

Thank you and I think what you're saying is very true. I tried to be reassuring when we had the "divorce" discussion but I think the whole thing was just too much for him. I'll keep your words of advice in mind next time we talk.

It's funny but I've been thinking for a while now that he doesn't actually love me, it feels more like he needs me and he thinks he loves me but it's more of a dependency thing for him.

Learn2Live

Hey Venice,

I've had to learn that love is a feeling. It's fleeting, it passes, it wanes, it grows, it flees, it returns, it's never static. It's like Love is moody sometimes. Love is a wave, sometimes it's tall and strong, sometimes it's low and weak, but it ebbs and flows like the ocean and it's always changing, but it's always there.

I know it feels like he doesn't love you and that he doesn't care about you. But I honestly don't believe this. You had and raised your children together, you've built a life together, a home together and although it hasn't been the way you might have wanted it to be (we would ALL appreciate it "they" were more responsible and participate in things, even the non-alcoholic men) but he does have feelings for you, I'm sure of it. He just may not be able to do anything about those feelings. I'm sure he is sad about it too. I'm sure he is frustrated and angry at himself and feels shame, no matter what he says about this divorce, or how he says it.

I know it's hard to talk to them. Good Lord, I don't know how my Mother even LIVES in the same house with my Dad, much less TALK to him. But what's best for you may be to do what my big sister taught me. Talk to them like they're a small one whose feelings you don't want to hurt. Or a puppy. That makes it harder for them to be mean and nasty, and forces them to look at their own behavior and how THEY speak to YOU, when you are not "acting out" in anger and frustration.

Cowgirl1265

NM, I thought you said the therapist said HE was aggressive (meaning your STBX, not the judge). Misread!!

Still...if there is any mental health professional in your life that is aware of his abusiveness and would provide a written statement...it could help.

bluejay6

Just sending love and support as you take this courageous stand. xx

Bluejay

Jazzman

Not yes but hell yes it's worth it. I'm here to tell you it gets better, but know it might get worse first.

It's best for the kids to stay in their familiar home and familiar neighborhood with their familiar friends. But you're not dealing with a logical mature adult. Your dealing with a selfish bully with a serious drinking problem and a disturbing history of abuse.

You might not have a choice but to move out with the kids to a place in the same school district or try to get a judge to give you sole use of the marital home. That would take a lawyer, evidence of abuse, a court date and money.

pixilation

Doing it right now, except he kicked me out on Sunday, and I ran with the chance. Having the kids in school while trying to find an apartment, social services, etc. has helped greatly. They've been less concerned about everything as a result. I haven't filed yet, mostly because I have just enough cash to pay the deposit on an apartment.

I am moving(staying with my sister right now) about 20 miles away from where he is now, so that's helping too.

Be strong! You can do this, I know I'm relieved that I did.

Venice

Yes, my therapist was previously our marriage counsellor until he decided we didn't need it LOL! So she's very aware of the issues...Thanks Cowgirl!

Venice

I'm definitely in the getting worse first. Looking forward to it getting better.

I'm working on obtaining exclusive use of the marital home. I'm seeing a lawyer who sounds promising on Monday who's told me that he can be forced out of the home if there is evidence of aggression. So I'm focusing my energy on that goal of getting him out. He absolutely needs to go as he continues to unleash his anger on us. I'm documenting everything as I've been advised to do and I'm working on getting the money lined up, with possibly a little help from my extended family.

Venice

Pixilation,

I'll be even more relieved when we're living apart. Thank you and good luck to you!