Do you let your sister help alcohlic father off the floor
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: ireland
Posts: 2
Do you let your sister help alcohlic father off the floor
Hi there...first post here..hello...daughter of an alcoholic mother and now father(although always a party boy growing up now retired)...father is in his 70's...and is getting a little out of hand... i am single in my 40's living in the same town but renting..lived abroad for years...younger sister lives at home still....
Q. How do you cope with the guilt from sister 'well someone has to look after them'...
Q.What do you advise her when father has passed out on the street and she needs to carry him in and he gets aggressive with her...then he appologises in the morning as doesnt remember anything...
My heart is broken and have cried my tears however I feel somewhat distant to whats going on at home...feel guilt over years of them looking after us and now how it has now fallen apart...
I always tell my sister she has a bed here in my home...feel my ties are broken with my mother from years of drinking and feel very uncomfortable when she is around me...i adore my father and nearly feel his pain but he wont get help...
What do we do?...feel selfish for getting on and not getting too involved..am the joker of the family and they love me to visit but i run out of the house after a short time visit...
God Bless
Q. How do you cope with the guilt from sister 'well someone has to look after them'...
Q.What do you advise her when father has passed out on the street and she needs to carry him in and he gets aggressive with her...then he appologises in the morning as doesnt remember anything...
My heart is broken and have cried my tears however I feel somewhat distant to whats going on at home...feel guilt over years of them looking after us and now how it has now fallen apart...
I always tell my sister she has a bed here in my home...feel my ties are broken with my mother from years of drinking and feel very uncomfortable when she is around me...i adore my father and nearly feel his pain but he wont get help...
What do we do?...feel selfish for getting on and not getting too involved..am the joker of the family and they love me to visit but i run out of the house after a short time visit...
God Bless
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
First of all WELCOME! Second of all...please don't let yourself feel selfish for taking care of yourself. It's what you are supposed to be doing. This must be very difficult for you. My only suggestion is this: Look for an alanon meeting near you and please attend. Try 6 meetings before deciding if its for you. Please consider inviting your sister to go along, as she would likely benefity from it as well. Alanon helps you understand the disease and how to live your life despite it.
And...KEEP POSTING here!! There are many wonderful, wise, experienced people here who have a lot to offer you.
And...KEEP POSTING here!! There are many wonderful, wise, experienced people here who have a lot to offer you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Please don't feel guilty about living your own life.
Your sister chooses to live there but she doesn't have to.
I so agree with inviting her to go to alanon with you, and perhaps you can come up with some alternatives for her and the parents rather than her being the caretaker,
but what they do with the options are up to them, not you.
I would suggest calling an ambulance next time dad is comatose in the street.
Your sister chooses to live there but she doesn't have to.
I so agree with inviting her to go to alanon with you, and perhaps you can come up with some alternatives for her and the parents rather than her being the caretaker,
but what they do with the options are up to them, not you.
I would suggest calling an ambulance next time dad is comatose in the street.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi Iguana. Sorry you're going through this. My Dad is the same but he is 72 and we don't really know how long he has left. First, repeat after me, NO GUILT! Guilt is a negative motivator that gets you NO WHERE fast. Second, follow your HEART, it NEVER lies. Third, pay attention to your INTUITION, it's there to guide you. Fourth, Ask yourself, if your elderly parents were not alcoholic or otherwise addicted, but had some other form of chronic, incurable, fatal disease, what would you do? Add 'em all up and there's your answer. I know it's not as simple as that, depending where you are in your own Recovery, but that's how simple it has become for me. I'm able to remove myself from the drama and emotion most of the time. I know you will make the right decision.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Hello iguana, and welcome!
A. Repeat as many times as necessary: it is her choice. It is her choice to repeatedly engage in an unhealthy relationship. Yes relationships with your parents can be unhealthy. How does your second question sound if it were another type of relationship? What would you advise your sister to do?
What do you advise her when [boyfriend] has passed out on the street and she needs to carry him in and he gets aggressive with her...then he appologises in the morning as doesnt remember anything...
How is your sister's help changing anything for the better, when your father doesn't take responsibility for his own actions? Yes, he apologizes... and then does it again. That's abusive. And your sister - as trapped as she may feel - is CHOOSING TO STAY THERE.
Does your sister admit your father has an alcohol problem? If yes, then does she realize that it's your father who has to make the decision to change? I imagine probably not. She likely feels WAY TOO GUILTY to even think about leaving your dad alone. He's convinced her that he's a victim and helpless to stand up on his own, and she's convinced herself that she's a victim (trapped) and helpless to do anything about it. The reality is that whatever choice she makes will have consequences. The sad thing is that the choice she is making now will be for nothing, because it will be her who suffers from your father's regular alcohol-related abuse, and it won't change your father until he chooses to change.
I also want to comment on this, since it's a prevalent theme in alcoholic families (believe me, I've heard it many a'time in my parents house). Your birth was not a negotiable contract. You did NOT get to negotiate that in return for 'x' years of food, clothing, shelter, neglect, and emotional abuse, that you would put with more abuse, clean up their messes, and feel too guilty to actually live and and enjoy your own life. You say the family has fallen apart. What work were your parents actually doing to keep it together? Did your dad ever try not drinking, maybe taking an interest in his kids' lives, and investing his time and energy into those relationships?
I hear what you're saying, iguana. I'm the hero of the family and boy does my family love it when I visit, but I can't stand to be close to them for very long. My brother (joker) is the one who plays DD and carries my dad up the stairs and into bed. I've talked to my brother, kept the line open, etc. But it's my brother who has to make the choice to let dad hit his alcoholic bottom. For a long time I felt guilty, until I realized that staying in an abusive, non-respecting relationship IS a choice. Exposing myself to people who drag me down is a choice - even if they're family.
Family is not a license for abuse.
A. Repeat as many times as necessary: it is her choice. It is her choice to repeatedly engage in an unhealthy relationship. Yes relationships with your parents can be unhealthy. How does your second question sound if it were another type of relationship? What would you advise your sister to do?
What do you advise her when [boyfriend] has passed out on the street and she needs to carry him in and he gets aggressive with her...then he appologises in the morning as doesnt remember anything...
How is your sister's help changing anything for the better, when your father doesn't take responsibility for his own actions? Yes, he apologizes... and then does it again. That's abusive. And your sister - as trapped as she may feel - is CHOOSING TO STAY THERE.
Does your sister admit your father has an alcohol problem? If yes, then does she realize that it's your father who has to make the decision to change? I imagine probably not. She likely feels WAY TOO GUILTY to even think about leaving your dad alone. He's convinced her that he's a victim and helpless to stand up on his own, and she's convinced herself that she's a victim (trapped) and helpless to do anything about it. The reality is that whatever choice she makes will have consequences. The sad thing is that the choice she is making now will be for nothing, because it will be her who suffers from your father's regular alcohol-related abuse, and it won't change your father until he chooses to change.
feel guilt over years of them looking after us and now how it has now fallen apart...
I hear what you're saying, iguana. I'm the hero of the family and boy does my family love it when I visit, but I can't stand to be close to them for very long. My brother (joker) is the one who plays DD and carries my dad up the stairs and into bed. I've talked to my brother, kept the line open, etc. But it's my brother who has to make the choice to let dad hit his alcoholic bottom. For a long time I felt guilty, until I realized that staying in an abusive, non-respecting relationship IS a choice. Exposing myself to people who drag me down is a choice - even if they're family.
Family is not a license for abuse.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: ireland
Posts: 2
Thanks for the posts and deep down I knew that is what people would say.
Unfortunately I live in Ireland where talking about your feelings is a sort of no go area.
I have been through the mill myself(was a BIG party girl but struggling with hangovers as I get older!...now drink maybe once a month..few glasses of wine...been through abortion/bad relationships/drunk driving) but know I can rely on a good councellor if things get very bad for me.
Thanks so much...I think this forum is going to become a close friend!
xx
Unfortunately I live in Ireland where talking about your feelings is a sort of no go area.
I have been through the mill myself(was a BIG party girl but struggling with hangovers as I get older!...now drink maybe once a month..few glasses of wine...been through abortion/bad relationships/drunk driving) but know I can rely on a good councellor if things get very bad for me.
Thanks so much...I think this forum is going to become a close friend!
xx
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
