desperately need help

[lucybooz]

i'm about to lose my mind i think. my 41 year old son is a pathetic drunk who has no intention of becoming sober and staying that way. he's been in several rehab programs, the last ending about 2 weeks ago. we were stupid enough to take him back into our home until he found a job and got on his feet. he will never get on his feet - never. in the past 2 weeks he's been found to have been drinking 3 times. he's denied each and every time, but if there is one thing i know about my son it's when he's been drinking. i've encountered it entirely too many times in the past 25 years of his life. we "sold" him our car awhile ago so he would have transportation for work (at that time he was about 6 months sober and we really thought it might work this time) - never got a cent for it as of now. when he put himself back in rehab (he actually drank so he could enter detox and then go to a rehab center!!!!!!) then when he got back out once again we "helped" him. it has to stop NOW!!!!!!! new tires for the car, car insurance, gas for the car and on and on and on. the first time he drank after coming here from the last rehab place i told him, "if you drink again, you will sign the title to the car back to us and you will be out of our home". did that matter to him? NO!!!!!!! it's like i talked to noone and then was made a fool of. he has no conscience. then he gets in the car (after he was drinking) and goes somewhere (i don't know where - he was back in 10 minutes). i sincerely believe he has no brain anymore. he's a chronic liar, and is impossible to be around when he drinks. i am at the point where i want him out of my house - i will pay him to leave. please help me: how do i throw my son out of my house????? right now i don't want to look at him let alone "take care of him". i'm angry, extremely angry, hurt and so very disappointed in him. he has 2 children who are going thru his "in-again, out-again life". please tell me how to follow thru with my original threat: if you drink again you will sign the car back to us and you will get out of our house. please help me!!!!!

lucy

[Waterman]

That's a sad situation, indeed. Prayers coming....

[sandrawg]

What do you mean "how do I throw my son out of the house"? You simply tell him you broke the rules, you've created chaos in my house, now leave.

If that doesn't work, change the locks.

[suki44883]

If the car is in his name, upkeep on the car is not your responsibility. Why keep it up if he's not going to use it for work? So far as getting him out of the house, tell him to leave and then change the locks.

[lucybooz]

i'm amazed at how "simple" you make it seem. the ONLY reason we helped with the upkeep of the car was to enable him to have transportation for a JOB. NORMAL people would take care of their own cars - people like him are NOT normal. also, since he is my SON, i as a mother tried to do ALL i could, hoping and praying for a good outcome. guess the joke was on me.

[LaTeeDa]

It is simple. That doesn't make it easy, though.

He is a 41-yo grown up man, not a little boy. Time for him to sink or swim on his own, I think.

L

[cmc]

Hi lucybooz, I was a mom who went to great lengths in order for my son to keep his car. (the car I gave him)

When I stepped out of the way, I allowed him the privilege to actually _be_ an adult. It didn't all come about overnight but gradually I learned to change my own reactions, responses and actions.

In my mind, if he didn't have a car or didn't live in our home; he couldn't go to work, he would not have a job, he would be homeless...etc...etc... etc. And that is how I saw it until I realized that all my efforts and good intentions were not helping him to want change.

None of those things I 'predicted' turned out to be true, he got rides to work and always found a place to stay; and when things finally got bad enough he was ready to change. He's worked hard to clean up the mess and make a good life for himself.

The changes I made were simple, but none of it was easy. It took time and patience plus attending tons of open AA and NA meetings in addition to my own Al-Anon meeting for me to become aware of the nature of this disease. It took time for me to learn and become ready to change, and it was most definitely worth it both for all involved.

[Daisy30]

Hi!

What have you been doing for yourself? I find al-anon a great help. I also found it helpful to educate myself about the disease. The "Getting Them Sober" books are quick easy reads.

I had to realize that all my "helping" was actually enabling the A to keep drinking. When we follow though with our boundries and step out of the way, we allow the A to actually feel the consequences of their actions.
They must hit a bottom before they will get help. He hasn't found his yet. He may never find it.

[Freedom1990]

When my 31 year old AD turned my household upside down and crossed every boundary I had set, she was out the door and I changed the locks.

Regardless of how poor her choices are, she is an adult. I will no longer rob her of the opportunity to make her own decisions.

I watched a lady locally die because her parents literally loved her to death. They made sure she always had a place to live, a car, and financed several businesses for her.

Tough love is tough, but it's even tougher to bury a child.

[naive]

lucy-

when you set boundaries, if you don't enforce them, then the alcoholic will continue to overstep them.

in this case, he stepped over them, once again. what are you going to do?

changing the locks is a great idea. you could change your phone number also, or block his number on your phone.

as for the car, well, since you're paying for the insurance, you could call the insurance company and cancel the insurance and inform your son if he drives it, you will call the police and report him for driving without insurance. and then do it!

it's difficult to accept that the most loving thing we can do is to let them suffer the consequences of their drinking. you do not do him any favors by always giving him a soft place to land.

it's tough. we all know how tough it is. i recall once, when my xABF was just released from 4 days in jail, i was making up his bed, thinking he will be tired and i'll make it nice and fresh for him. as i was doing this, in my head, i heard "if you keep giving him a soft place to land, he'll never hit is bottom and perhaps never seek help". i looked at the nice fluffy bed i was preparing, stopped what i was doing and when he came home, told him he wasn't welcomed and he could go stay at his brother's.

it's so hard, but i'm glad to report he's sober now and going to AA and working with a therapist. i don't know how our story will end, but i know how it would have ended if i had continued to give him a soft place to land. mine is so full of life now, eating and sleeping regular, full of smiles and beginning to feel good about facing his issues.

good luck mother!

naive

[lucybooz]

i know what i must do, i just need the GUTS to do it. he's been to rehabs AT LEAST 5 times. the peace and happiness never last. i'm convinced he will never recover permanently. he's had 3 dui's, all years ago, however, it's only recently he's had the priviledge of a car for any period of time. it's bound to happen again, i know it is. i'm the one who wants sobriety for him, NOT HIM. i can't rule how he lives his life but i CAN rule how i live mine.

thank you all for the advice. i know everyone of you are correct and i know what i MUST do.

lucy

[hydrogirl]

Oh, Lucy, I'm so sorry for your pain. My future stepson wrecked the truck his father signed over to him "so he could find and keep a job", he never contributed anything to the household, he nearly drank himself to death last year, then turned to crack over the holidays.

In this state, since he had been living at home for a while, he had to be legally evicted. That is....30 day written notice. When it finally happened, he was ugly and complaining, and kept showing up to "get something he forgot".

It is simple, but it is not easy. Now my fiance and I have a new house, and his AS does not know where we live. If his son calls, e-mails, or sends text messages, my fiance does not respond anymore. We were afraid he would not survive...but you know what.....he is surviving. Perhaps not thriving, but that's all on him.

Huge hugs and prayers to you as you move forward to take back your life and find the peace and joy you deserve!

Hugs, HG

[BlueMoon]

prayers for stragth and serenity for you Lucy

simple isn't easy

[JMFburns]

Lucy,

I feel your pain and struggle.

My son is 28, lives in a homeless shelter and doesn't appear to be working at getting his life together.

It is painful to experience and I am struggling with not giving him money. I pray I can continue to find the strength (from SR, NarAnon, AlAnon, family and coworkers) to grow and set boundaries and keep those boundaries. I do not (refuse to) want to be here 1 year from today let alone when he is 41. It is hard, but I am determined, one small step at a time to get better, stronger and care more about myself than I do about my adult son who is acting like a spoiled child.

Part of my problem is that when raising my kids it was easier to give in to what they wanted rather than say "no" and enforce it, so that's what they've learned and that's what they expect.

It is doubly hard because he is your stepson. I wish you the best of luck and hope you and your husband can band together to present a united front.