I really feel like I hate my ex!!!!

[sandrawg]

I'm trying not to, but he's hurt me SO incredibly much.

I posted earlier about how he did coke, in violation of his promise to me not to do it, and told me he did it because he was soooo wasted. He then said, "I have a drinking problem" and promised to stop drinking and get therapy. He said he would DO ANYTHING to have me back.

I stupidly gave him another chance, despite the advice I got on this forum.

Three weeks...three weeks he was sober. Things were great. We were happy.

Then he tells me last night, he's frustrated that he can't drink...his friends invited him to the bar, and he can't go, and it's JULY FOURTH..he could drink a coke at the bar, but he feels stupid not drinking when everyone else is...he's missing out, bla bla.

I gently reminded him, this was for a reason, reason being HE MADE ME A PROMISE due to screwing up, and the condition under which I stayed with him was...ONE MONTH sober. It had only been three weeks.

He said "I think three weeks is enough."

I said, NO, YOU don't get to decide what's enough, I decide! If going to the bar and drinking is so important to you, then go do it! But know that you will lose me out of your life.

He would not stop-he kept nagging me, saying "I think this is about control"...I lost it. I totally lost my temper. I was driving, and I ended up driving like a maniac. I said, MAYBE I should get my things (I was gonna stay at his place this weekend) and go home, and he said "Maybe you should!"

SO I did. And I drove like a maniac on the way home, texting him angry things about how hurt I am, he picked the bar over me, etc.

I then proceeded to change my phone number and block his emails.

I am SOOO HURT. Yet again-this is the umpteen promise he has broken. He's such a manipulative liar. I can't help it-I really feel like he turned my love for him into deep hatred.

I don't even know how to deal with this anymore. Just need some support. I know I did the right thing, but I am sooo hurt still.

[Still Waters]

It hurts, and if we allow them, they'll hurt us over and over and over, because we let them do it.

Expecting an alcoholic that is not in recovery to choose us over drink is..quite frankly...insane. And it doesn't get saner the more we try to control them.

I'm sorry you're so angry sandra, what do you have planned for yourself the rest of the weekend?

[ItsmeAlice]

Of course you're angry, when a promise isn't kept, we're lied to, our boundaries are stretched too thin, and we are made to blame for every decision someone else makes and later regrets, yeah it makes us stark raving nuclear kind of mad.

How skilled they are at making every damn stinky thing go their way and still come out smelling of roses.

Of course he made a promise to you to stop drinking to get you back. That was your condition, and he had no other way to get what he wanted. Now he's peeved because he's looking to get out of that c**p and get back to his drinking, which was the plan all along. He just couldn't come up with anything better but to announce that three weeks is plenty enough time to satisfy you. Oh, really? When that didn't work, he went for the pick-a-fight technique. He got you hopped up and pissed off. Then you go off the deep end and leave him (from his perspective), and he gets to be the victim in this case, plus he gets a perfect excuse right there to go get drunk because his woman just wigged out again and left him for no good reason (again, his perspective), since after all three weeks is more than enough time to get over your issues with his drinking, right? I imagine he'll get a few pity beers from his friends served up over this.

You see, I know this deal. I've lived it and bought the same c**p you did. But like you....I'm not buying it any more.

You've done the right thing leaving. Don't set a boundary you can't commit to, and girl, you've committed to you...I'm damn proud of you!!!

You've also gone no contact and cut off his access to you. We both know after he's had his little relapse and is living in his hangover, he'll be looking for some TLC again and will start thinking about how he can get himself out of the doghouse. OR...he'll still be cheesed that no one's around to blame and hate on for driving him to drink again when his sober life was going so well and he'll be dialing your number.

Good for you in getting that shut down before it even has a chance to get started!

This anger will pass, but for right now get it out anyway you safely can. Keep posting, get busy with exercise or dancing in your underwear to some hot tunes, or fire off a few firecrackers this evening in the name of YOUR INDEPENDENCE DAY!

I wish you the best.

Alice

[blessed4x]

I had a day like yours a while back. I was ranting and raving and texting and calling and driving like a mad woman. When I stopped and looked at it, I was the crazy one. STBXAH spent years drinking like a fish, and I was way sicker than him.

After about 3,000 recitations of the serenity prayer, a few meetings, and some deep soul searching, I decided that no one was going to be given the power to steal my peace. I'm not perfect and it's a day at a time ordeal (sometimes even a minute at a time). I have found what works for me. Try some different things until you find what works for you. It could be anything....reading, praying, finding a meeting, talking to a trusted friend who will keep you accountable, coming here, parking the car and letting out a primal scream.

I know I didn't like that out of control person I became, and it wasn't safe for me, my kids, or the people that shared the roads with me. For me, it was becoming a risk to my physical well-being. And I didn't even have to take a drink to get that way.

[BlueMoon]

I've been where you are - all I can think to say is stay strong and know that this too shall pass ......... sending you serenity and hugs

Blue

[Ago]

Originally Posted by sandrawg

I'm trying not to, but he's hurt me SO incredibly much.

I posted earlier about how he did coke, in violation of his promise to me not to do it, and told me he did it because he was soooo wasted.

I gently reminded him, this was for a reason, reason being HE MADE ME A PROMISE due to screwing up, and the condition under which I stayed with him was...ONE MONTH sober. It had only been three weeks.

He said "I think three weeks is enough."

I said, NO, YOU don't get to decide what's enough, I decide! If going to the bar and drinking is so important to you, then go do it! But know that you will lose me out of your life.

He would not stop-he kept nagging me, saying "I think this is about control"...I lost it. I totally lost my temper. I was driving, and I ended up driving like a maniac. I said, MAYBE I should get my things (I was gonna stay at his place this weekend) and go home, and he said "Maybe you should!"

SO I did. And I drove like a maniac on the way home, texting him angry things about how hurt I am, he picked the bar over me, etc.

I then proceeded to change my phone number and block his emails.

I am SOOO HURT. Yet again-this is the umpteen promise he has broken. He's such a manipulative liar. I can't help it-I really feel like he turned my love for him into deep hatred.

I don't even know how to deal with this anymore. Just need some support. I know I did the right thing, but I am sooo hurt still.

I am SO very sorry you are going through this, it's really hard to be in your shoes, I have been there and it sucked.

One thing I have found helpful is to remember they are not doing it TO me, they are just doing it, and I am choosing to be hurt by their behavior.

I have heard a good definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting different results, just like when an alcoholic drinks and they think "It will be different this time", we make a decision to stay with a practicing alcoholic and expect "it will be different this time" and the truth of the matter is it turns out the exact same time every time, if we do the exact same things, strangely enough we keep getting the exact same results.

this is the umpteen promise he has broken.

Maybe stop believing him? He seems consistent enough.

I find it helpful to pay attention to what people do, not what they say, and in this case when he opens his mouth to make a promise, it's to lie.

Maybe it's time to start believing him.

As in start believing he will break every single promise he ever makes about drinking.

He appears to be a drinker.

What was it Anvil said the other day?

Originally Posted by anvilhead

see this is where boundaries can really help US stay on track. we can't control another person

he's gonna do what he's gonna do. REGARDLESS of what he SAYS he's gonna do. his actions are the real litmus test. we don't create boundaries to control others, we create boundaries to give us guidance and protection when the behaviors of others are intrusive, uncomfortable, or our own security is threatened.

IT'S HIS LIFE. and there are NO guarantees. none. zip.

you can define what is acceptable to you and what is not. you can define that you do not allow anyone under the influence in your home, in your car, or even in your presence. that does not CHANGE what the other person is doing, only how close in proximity that person is allowed to you.

if you don't want a boyfriend who drinks, find one who doesn't. this one still does

The three C's are:

You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
You can't control it

I find when I am upset it's because I am trying to do one of those things and failing miserably

Whether his behavior is "wrong" or right, he is allowed to behave as he wishes, he is an adult, thus this statement does in fact merit a second look

He -said- (sic) "I think this is about control"...I lost it. I totally lost my temper. I was driving, and I ended up driving like a maniac. I said, MAYBE I should get my things

I said, NO, YOU don't get to decide what's enough, I decide!

Thus far I have had ZERO luck with that approach, "deciding" what's best for another human being and trying to hold them to it and then using leaving as a behavior modification tactic.

"deciding" whether or not another adult "gets" to drink or not IS about control, deciding whether or not you choose to stay if he drinks is or can be a boundary if it's for YOU and not him.

Your post made me think of a post I made a day or two ago, it has a car story in it, maybe you will relate

Originally Posted by Ago

I "know" what's best for me and frequently others, and I'll tell them too, "well your problem is ___- and to solve it you need to ______ "

Objective viewing of this behavior shows less then stellar results fairly consistently, especially when it comes to seeing myself objectively.

Recently I was having a pretty difficult situation in a relationship, somewhat similar to yours, not exactly but close enough, the details differed but the "core" issue was the same, my big problem was how can I communicate effectively or effectively set boundaries. I was WRACKING my brains for a solution, and the more attempts I made to communicate and 'set" boundaries, the worse the situation got.

The harder I tried the more upset I got, she got, and quite frankly I was beginning to upset and bore the people around me a bit. Dogs would bark at me when I walked by, babies would cry, and I got mistaken for Dick Cheney at a particularly bad moment at one point.

It helps to know what "the problem" is.

Usually it's me

trying to solve it.

with the same mind that created the problem in the first place.

My problem wasn't trying to set boundaries or communicate, it was something entirely different, but as long as I concentrated on trying to "solve" the problem, the problem increased.

Drove me F'ing nuts.

I've actually been focusing a bit on the solution lately, and strangely enough, the solution is increasing, and there has been no difficulty with communication and setting boundaries because I'm not all wrapped up in myself.

No one EVER "dragged" me into anything in my life, they may have stole the car but it's always been because I left the keys in the ignition in the first place, then after the first few car crashes, when quasi intelligent people leave, and take the bus or get a different car, I say "Let's go again" then say it's 'their" fault when we crash again, I end up p1ssed at "them" because they and their driving are so obviously the problem a child could see it and I ride around in the car with them, letting them drive, going where they want to go, doing what they want to do as I frantically shout instructions from the passenger seat getting angrier and angrier because I am obviously a better driver and know much better then they do and telling anybody who will listen about our car crashes to get sympathy.

What a drain of a perfectly good life.

I'm onna go back to driving my own car.

I am CONSTANTLY , nearly daily, in the most stupid and inane but painful way possible having to relearn the lesson it's not about getting "them" to behave or change, but changing me and my focus.

God I wish you well, but it didn't work out too well for me when I was in your shoes.

[luciddreamrgrl]

I wish you could understand how much I know what your going through right now.

Now is the time for you to be completely done with this. I only gave my XABF 2 ultimatums before I backed it up. I left and it has been 3 weeks and 2 days. Leaving is almost as hard as staying, but worth it in the end. Your XABF sounds like he may end up being like mine. He's no where near being ready for recovery. It's still fun for him. He has no negative consequenses to his actions. And losing you will not be a negative consequense to him because he thinks your just trying to be controlling. Not to mention you keep going back to him so he thinks he has you right where he wants you. He will blame it all on you, stop talking to you, say nasty things to you and turn everything around to make it your fault. And if all of that doesn't work, he will once again beg you back, claim he will change, and ultimatly go right back to the same thing over again. He will not accept defeat until he hits bottom. I'm not trying to be mean or blunt here, but that bottom seems to be nowhere near.

Stay strong this time. It's wonderful that you have blocked his number and email. Now back it up! Don't respond! Don't yell or scream! Don't text! Trust me on this, that's what I have been doing for the last three weeks and it has completely backfired on me. I've done nothing but set myself up for more and more hurt each time. I'm just now realizing that I'm done. Please don't prolong the inevitable any longer than needed.

Be strong! You've already taken the first steps! Great job!

[whyamistaying]

Ago, your car analogy was spot on. It makes so much sense when you compare it to something that doesn't involve alcohol. Thank you.

[sandrawg]

Thanks everyone, so much, for all the replies.

I spoke with a friend of mine who's a recovering alcoholic. He has been incredibly helpful to me through all of this...I realize I don't hate my ex. I still love him, with all my heart, and that's why I'm doing this...cutting him out of my life. It is the worst hurt I think I've ever felt, though. I will no longer know how he is doing -I don't want to know, because I fear he's going down a bad road.

And yes, I gave him the keys to the car and let him run it into a pole, but only because I wanted to believe him that he would do ANYTHING--which is what he said--to make things work for us. Yes I'm codependent, and maybe I am controlling, but I also tried to have faith. I tried to have faith because of the way he makes me feel when he looks into my eyes...so loving and so gentle....and because of the way he trusts me with his feelings, like he does no one else. And because he can be so considerate and loving...because of the way we can talk to each other about anything and endlessly capture each other's attention...because when I'm in his arms, I feel like that's where I belong. Those are the wonderful things about him that I see clearly, when he's clean. Those are the things I want to get back but can't, because of this disease, and that rips me up inside.

Please don't call me strong, for changing my phone number, or blocking his email. I do that because I'm weak...because my desire to have all those things about him that I love back, is what has made me weak and give in to him, again and again. I'm doing those things because I'm weak. If I was so strong, I wouldn't have to.

[sandrawg]

And as for what I've been doing this weekend? I went out with a friend tonight, to have dinner and watch fireworks. I was probably, I'd say, about halfway present with him. I couldn't stop thinking about my ex. But at least I went out and made the effort.

[TakingCharge999]

Hi sandrawg, I have been in your same shoes and sometimes still am.. my name is also sandra, and I also blocked everything, and I still feel I will never again felt what I did while in x's arms (of course when I had not noticed his problem) so .. I am your clone!

I think those actions are just logistics, not a sign of strength or weakness... I know ex did not block me or tries to avoid me, in fact for all he shows I am invisible and no longer exist. And he is still drinking of course. Is that what I would call strength? hardly.

Just remember the bad times and the fact he is losing someone and still prefers to hide in his drink. Is that the idea of a partner you want for your life? Someone who does not face issues but drowns them?

I sometimes get stuck in what happened but I am trying to think about what DIDN'T because I was able to wake up to the reality and leave:

/ I did not lose $
/ I did not lose years, decades, my entire life
/ I did not have kids with an alcoholic dad and made them suffer
/ I did not have an accident or die with his drunken driving
/ I am no longer helping to get an alcoholic close to his drink
/ I am no longer criticized and put down by anyone and I no longer believe what others say about me because I know who I am and where I am at.
/ I got a better perspective on who is worth being my life and what I want from a partner

Perhaps you can create a similar list focused on your gains?

Also remember in mourning there are stages: shock, grief, sadness, anger and they may come in waves, not in a particular order. As a human being our psyche goes through this process to reach acceptance and become stronger. This is the human spirit. It helped me to know this when the Nth wave of grief struck me, or I felt very angry out of the blue, I knew it was part of the mourning towards INDIFFERENCE (man is that the biggest prize I could get, ever) and acceptance so just hang in there, use this to learn and one day you won't be looking back... you will be looking forward to the future... and having a new appreciation for who is with you and "small things" like silence, tranquility... it will be a very sweet day after the storm. There are many rewards waiting for you.

Hugs!!

[Freedom1990]

Originally Posted by sandrawg

And as for what I've been doing this weekend? I went out with a friend tonight, to have dinner and watch fireworks. I was probably, I'd say, about halfway present with him. I couldn't stop thinking about my ex. But at least I went out and made the effort.

That in and of itself is progress, my dear! It takes time to work through all the pain and get to a point where we are fully present for ourselves, in the moment.

:ghug :ghug

[cassandra2]

Ago I have to say your post is brilliant!

I have found myself again and again in the controlling patterns of life. Its really hard to stop doing it. But its better when you realize what you are doing when you are doing it. I want to say thanks to that post because its something each and everyone of us needs to hear when we get into those patterns.

When you are so focused on the PROBLEM its seems you never even consider a solution. Thanks for pointing that out. I am just over the moon with what you said.

I am CONSTANTLY , nearly daily, in the most stupid and inane but painful way possible having to relearn the lesson it's not about getting "them" to behave or change, but changing me and my focus.

Couldnt quote this but this statement IS PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Would you perhaps let me know where that original post is so that I can read it there also?

[Ago]

Originally Posted by cassandra2

Ago I have to say your post is brilliant!

I have found myself again and again in the controlling patterns of life. Its really hard to stop doing it. But its better when you realize what you are doing when you are doing it. I want to say thanks to that post because its something each and everyone of us needs to hear when we get into those patterns.

When you are so focused on the PROBLEM its seems you never even consider a solution. Thanks for pointing that out. I am just over the moon with what you said.

I am CONSTANTLY , nearly daily, in the most stupid and inane but painful way possible having to relearn the lesson it's not about getting "them" to behave or change, but changing me and my focus.

Couldnt quote this but this statement IS PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Would you perhaps let me know where that original post is so that I can read it there also?

Here is "The Problem" for me (my original quote)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...mmunicate.html (How the hell do we communicate?)

Here is "The Solution"

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html (So what ARE Boundaries?)