I Am Doing Better, but He is Sicker - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Blondie · 07-03-2009, 12:32 PM

I am feeling great, and I am working on my self-esteem issues. Serenity is priceless! I'm trying to build self-esteem now because I NEVER had any to begin with. It is difficult, but it is one of my problems that I have humbly turned over to my higher power. Progress is slow, but there is progress in this area. I am getting so much better! I am convinced for me personally, it would have been almost impossible for me to REALLY start MY recovery living with my STXAH because I was so addicted to HIS problems and trying to "help" him 24/7.

I can see him for what he is now. He is a sick man. And since I have left he seems to be getting sicker a lot quicker (or maybe I just never noticed how sick he is). I called up our marriage therapist (stopped seeing him weeks ago) to thank him as he did help me to discover things about myself that I didn't know (helped with step 4). He did tell me that he can see I am determined to make a new life for myself and he can see I am strong and that I will be alright. I did ask if my STXAH was still seeing HIS therapist at the practice. The marriage therapist said that it was against the rules to tell me, but he said he wanted me to know that yes my STXAH did quit his individual therapy. He also stated that my STXAH is in deep denial and just will not take responsiblity at all. This was obvious to me, but to hear a professional psychologist say this was validation I suppose.

Last week my STXAH's friend died from liver disease (brought on by alcoholism) at the age of 45. My STXAH has tried to convince himself it was due to something else, but not the alcohol. My STXAH stated that the guy died because he stopped drinking all at once (he had been in rehab a few months ago) and that is what killed him. The denial is just insane. The guy was a yellow as school zone sign. Then my STXAH said: "yeah, but he was a REAL alcoholic."

Denial, denial, denial. I now realize how sick our relationship really was. I was in denial too and believed most of what he told me. I need to work on myself more so that I don't make the same mistake again. Now I know why in al-anon they tell you to wait a year before any major changes or new relationships should be entered into. I need to be mentally and spiritually healthy before I can start a life with someone else that is mentally and spiritually healthy.

catlady61 · 07-03-2009, 12:41 PM

Wow that was very powerful, I feel the same way about my ABF, he is in such denial too....he told me after he had went to a "meeting" that he realized thats HE is not that bad compared to others in the group....so I understand exactly where you are coming from .........

TakingCharge999 · 07-03-2009, 12:57 PM

Blondie we are on the same boat..

All I can say is that I am very glad you keep moviing forward and I think

He is not ready. Yet. He is entitled to his own timing just as we had to really live through horrible stuff to "wake up" and take ourselves seriously... keep the focus on yourself and put him in the hands of God/HP.

Great to hear from you Blondie!!

**GiveLove** · 07-03-2009, 02:51 PM

I am so proud of you Blondie

You have come so far.

hotamale · 07-03-2009, 03:17 PM

when i posted about my AXBF, someone here told me of the terms...personal exceptionalism/terminal uniqueness. the alcoholic is not like anyone else there, and hence, doesn't have a problem. or his problem isn't like theirs.

RRRIIIIIGGGGHHHHTTT! so, ppl w/o alcohol problems drink enough to **** themselves TWICE on a bed and blow a .33? i don't know about you, but that mode of thinking is asinine and only means that s/he is going to drink again very soon.

***Pelican*** · 07-03-2009, 05:06 PM

Thanks for the update Blondie.

I'm glad you are taking care of you!

Peace and Hugs

blessed4x · 07-03-2009, 09:17 PM

((((Blondie)))).....I've thought of you often. We went through so much of the same stuff at almost the same time, the infidelity and escalating craziness, and the attempts at counseling. Our divorce will be final on Thursday if not sooner (judge can sign by affidavit). I too, have been able to see how sick I was in the relationship and how sick STBXAH is. Mine stopped drinking, went to AA for a while, went back for his 2 month coin, and has been as mean and nasty as ever.

He is currently the angriest, craziest person I have ever known....and I caused it all......I guess nothing changes if nothing changes *wink*. I am thankful every day for Alanon and the simple truths I have learned there. The serenity prayer has saved my life. I am so happy you are on this path with me, fellow traveler! We have found the courage to change the things we can.

Blondie · 07-04-2009, 12:16 PM

Thanks everybody. Yes, Blessed4x, we have been on similar paths and I find you inspirational too! I have actually started enjoying life again and finding peace. Ahh, serenity is priceless!

TakingCharge999 · 07-04-2009, 12:47 PM

It is sweet after living in hell so much time when you actually start enjoying the sweet silence and, for me, waking up to a warm teddy bear

all those "glimpses" of the new life you are choosing for yourself are so great, and are when you can actually see how much you have learned and grown. Kudos to you Blondie!! ALL the credit goes to you

07-03-2009, 12:32 PM	#1 (permalink)
Blondie Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Georgia Posts: 338	I Am Doing Better, but He is Sicker I am feeling great, and I am working on my self-esteem issues. Serenity is priceless! I'm trying to build self-esteem now because I NEVER had any to begin with. It is difficult, but it is one of my problems that I have humbly turned over to my higher power. Progress is slow, but there is progress in this area. I am getting so much better! I am convinced for me personally, it would have been almost impossible for me to REALLY start MY recovery living with my STXAH because I was so addicted to HIS problems and trying to "help" him 24/7. I can see him for what he is now. He is a sick man. And since I have left he seems to be getting sicker a lot quicker (or maybe I just never noticed how sick he is). I called up our marriage therapist (stopped seeing him weeks ago) to thank him as he did help me to discover things about myself that I didn't know (helped with step 4). He did tell me that he can see I am determined to make a new life for myself and he can see I am strong and that I will be alright. I did ask if my STXAH was still seeing HIS therapist at the practice. The marriage therapist said that it was against the rules to tell me, but he said he wanted me to know that yes my STXAH did quit his individual therapy. He also stated that my STXAH is in deep denial and just will not take responsiblity at all. This was obvious to me, but to hear a professional psychologist say this was validation I suppose. Last week my STXAH's friend died from liver disease (brought on by alcoholism) at the age of 45. My STXAH has tried to convince himself it was due to something else, but not the alcohol. My STXAH stated that the guy died because he stopped drinking all at once (he had been in rehab a few months ago) and that is what killed him. The denial is just insane. The guy was a yellow as school zone sign. Then my STXAH said: "yeah, but he was a REAL alcoholic." Denial, denial, denial. I now realize how sick our relationship really was. I was in denial too and believed most of what he told me. I need to work on myself more so that I don't make the same mistake again. Now I know why in al-anon they tell you to wait a year before any major changes or new relationships should be entered into. I need to be mentally and spiritually healthy before I can start a life with someone else that is mentally and spiritually healthy. __________________ Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

07-03-2009, 12:57 PM	#3 (permalink)
TakingCharge999 Alcoholic-free since Sep. 2008 Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Love street Posts: 2,033	Blondie we are on the same boat.. All I can say is that I am very glad you keep moviing forward and I think He is not ready. Yet. He is entitled to his own timing just as we had to really live through horrible stuff to "wake up" and take ourselves seriously... keep the focus on yourself and put him in the hands of God/HP. Great to hear from you Blondie!! __________________ The unexamined life is not worth living. -Socrates Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes. - Carl Jung There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. - Nelson Mandela

07-03-2009, 02:51 PM	#4 (permalink)
GiveLove Forum Leader Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Stumbling toward happiness Posts: 4,334 Blog Entries: 1	I am so proud of you Blondie You have come so far. __________________ "Tell me, what are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?" --Mary Oliver "Action is the antidote to despair." --Joan Baez "False hopes bind us to unlivable situations, and blind us to real possibilities." --Derrick Jensen

07-03-2009, 05:06 PM	#6 (permalink)
*Pelican* peaceful seabird Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: floating Posts: 1,482	Thanks for the update Blondie. I'm glad you are taking care of you! Peace and Hugs __________________ "How does one become a butterfly?" she asked pensively. "You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar." Trina Paulus Hope for the Flowers

07-03-2009, 09:17 PM	#7 (permalink)
blessed4x Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: MO Posts: 712	((((Blondie)))).....I've thought of you often. We went through so much of the same stuff at almost the same time, the infidelity and escalating craziness, and the attempts at counseling. Our divorce will be final on Thursday if not sooner (judge can sign by affidavit). I too, have been able to see how sick I was in the relationship and how sick STBXAH is. Mine stopped drinking, went to AA for a while, went back for his 2 month coin, and has been as mean and nasty as ever. He is currently the angriest, craziest person I have ever known....and I caused it all......I guess nothing changes if nothing changes wink. I am thankful every day for Alanon and the simple truths I have learned there. The serenity prayer has saved my life. I am so happy you are on this path with me, fellow traveler! We have found the courage to change the things we can. __________________ You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go.~Dr. Suess

07-03-2009, 12:41 PM	#2 (permalink)
catlady61 Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chicago IL Posts: 46	Wow that was very powerful, I feel the same way about my ABF, he is in such denial too....he told me after he had went to a "meeting" that he realized thats HE is not that bad compared to others in the group....so I understand exactly where you are coming from .........

07-03-2009, 03:17 PM	#5 (permalink)
hotamale Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 27	when i posted about my AXBF, someone here told me of the terms...personal exceptionalism/terminal uniqueness. the alcoholic is not like anyone else there, and hence, doesn't have a problem. or his problem isn't like theirs. RRRIIIIIGGGGHHHHTTT! so, ppl w/o alcohol problems drink enough to **** themselves TWICE on a bed and blow a .33? i don't know about you, but that mode of thinking is asinine and only means that s/he is going to drink again very soon.

07-04-2009, 12:16 PM	#8 (permalink)
Blondie Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Georgia Posts: 338	Thanks everybody. Yes, Blessed4x, we have been on similar paths and I find you inspirational too! I have actually started enjoying life again and finding peace. Ahh, serenity is priceless! __________________ Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

07-04-2009, 12:47 PM	#9 (permalink)
TakingCharge999 Alcoholic-free since Sep. 2008 Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Love street Posts: 2,033	It is sweet after living in hell so much time when you actually start enjoying the sweet silence and, for me, waking up to a warm teddy bear all those "glimpses" of the new life you are choosing for yourself are so great, and are when you can actually see how much you have learned and grown. Kudos to you Blondie!! ALL the credit goes to you __________________ The unexamined life is not worth living. -Socrates Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes. - Carl Jung There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. - Nelson Mandela

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode