Helping a member who is being abused

[DesertEyes]

HELPING A MEMBER WHO IS BEING ABUSED

Hello gang, please read the below quotes from some of our most experienced moderators.

Originally Posted by Morning Glory

It is difficult to see someone you care about get hurt, but remember that you cannot “rescue” them. Ultimately, the victim must make his or her own decision about whether or not to leave that relationship. But, there are some ways that you can help them find their own way to escape the abuse and become safe.

What Do You Need to Know?

The serious and painful effects of domestic violence impact the victim’s desire and ability to end their relationship. They may have been told the abuse was their fault and they may feel responsible. Even though the relationship was abusive, they will probably feel sad and lonely when it is over. Because there are many complex reasons why victims stay in abusive relationships, they may break up with and go back to the abuser many times. Remember that it may be difficult for them to talk about the abuse.

What Can You Do?

•Don’t be afraid to tell them that you are concerned for their safety and want to help.
•Acknowledge and validate their feelings about their relationship.
•Help them recognize that the abuse is not “normal” and not their fault, and that everyone deserves a healthy non-violent relationship.
•Be supportive and listen patiently.
•Focus on the member and what they need, not on the abuser. Even if the person stays with their abusive partner, it is important that they still feel comfortable talking to you about it.
•Be respectful of their decisions.
•Encourage them to do things with other friends and family members, and to take part in activities outside the relationship.
•Connect them to resources in their community that can help give them information and guidance as they move forward.
•Help them develop a plan to end their relationship safely.
•If they break up with the abuser, continue to be supportive of them once they are single.

Originally Posted by Ann

I felt a need to post something here about being respectful to other members and keeping in mind that many people posting here are newcomers or old timers in crisis and their emotions are raw.

When I was new to recovery, just finding the courage to go to a meeting and share was intimidating for me. I didn’t say a word for the first 3 meetings, just sat there and cried with a box of tissues. I remember those feelings each time a newcomer walks in the door and each time one of us is in crisis and needs to share.

Sometimes the poster just needs a shoulder, sometimes just someone to validate how they feel rather than challenge the situation that brought them to this feeling. And mostly they need you to share YOUR experience, strength and hope so that we can learn something useful and “see” recovery at work.

When choices are challenged by others (no matter how good or poor their choices may be) it makes a person feel defensive or like the world’s biggest loser and there isn’t an ounce of recovery to grab on to.

An example would be someone who discovered their spouse is an addict and things are not good at home (Imagine their pain, confusion and heartache). To simply reply “why do you stay with this loser?” or “Why don’t you just leave” doesn’t help anyone. In recovery we don’t “tell” anyone what to do, we share our own experience, strength and hope and, if asked, we gently and respectfully offer suggestions. Recovery is about treating people the way we like to be treated. Recovery is about giving freely what was so freely given to us.

That is not to say we walk on eggshells here, we can shoot straight goods without attacking the person or their decisions. Our differences are what makes this forum interesting and helpful to so many people, because there is always someone who can relate to us. I embrace our diversity as something valuable that brings all kinds of recovery to the site. But when I feel my adrenaline pumping over a post I am reading, I find it good to just sit on my hands until I can calmly and respectfully say what is in my heart.

We come here from all corners of the world and our customs and practices vary significantly sometimes. How we speak may come across as harsh to someone who can’t see our faces or know us well enough to understand our personalities.

I love all you members here, the mamas, the spouses, the partners, the siblings and all who love an addict. I have stayed here and continued to grow for over 7 years because of YOU and all you have shared with me and the support you have given me, and for that I am grateful.

As a moderator here, I am proud of the people on this forum, because you all are the most supportive, kindest, funniest, and dearest people I have met here at SR. Something my dear friend Hangin’ In has said often is a good reminder for all of us, including me…she says “Say what you mean and mean what you say, just don’t say it mean.”

Hugs to each one of you

Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery

[DesertEyes]

Another great thread for those of you who wish to be supportive

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html (How To Support An Abused Woman)

Mike

[GiveLove]

Per a member's (excellent) request, I'm adding these links to this thread, so they might be more easily found:

Here's the sticky on abuse, lots of great threads in there

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html (About Abuse)

and here are DV hotlines

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...helplines.html