Where is his sex drive?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 7
Where is his sex drive?
I've been dating my recovering alcoholic boyfriend for about two years, and he's been sober for about 15 months. When we first started dating we had a killer sex life that was not really fueled by alcohol (i'm not much of a drinker and his drinking was usually precipitated by loneliness, so there was little drinking when we were together).
Things had been going well for us sexually, and then I started having some health issues that affected me sexually for a number of months; i was on a medication which was giving me awful side effects including a lower sex-drive and some other very unpleasant physical symptoms which made sex painful and difficult. We found ways around this and still had sex occasionally, but there was definitely a big decline in our sex life. This was going on during his first six months of sobriety, so he was definitely going through a lot of changes and emotions as well, which also contributed to the decline in sex.
I'm off the awful meds now and finally feeling better. I am back to wanting sex very regularly, and his life is a lot more stable now as well, but his sex drive does not seem to be as high as it used to be . He is often too tired when I try to initiate it (he's a morning person, I'm a night owl) and does not initiate sex himself very often. We still have sex, maybe once a week (I'd like it about 5 times a week), and he enjoys it. We've talked about this and he says he's still absolutely attracted to me, but that it's just going to take time to adjust and get our schedules to work again.
I know that with all the changes in the last year, we're both still adjusting, and that after you're with someone for a while, sex can just slow down. This is all pretty recent, and I know I need to just take time to work things out, but I'm feeling kind of sad and unattractive and looking for advice on how I can deal with this better on a personal and emotional level. Coming to the forum and reading or posting usually makes me feel better!
Thanks,
Rose
Things had been going well for us sexually, and then I started having some health issues that affected me sexually for a number of months; i was on a medication which was giving me awful side effects including a lower sex-drive and some other very unpleasant physical symptoms which made sex painful and difficult. We found ways around this and still had sex occasionally, but there was definitely a big decline in our sex life. This was going on during his first six months of sobriety, so he was definitely going through a lot of changes and emotions as well, which also contributed to the decline in sex.
I'm off the awful meds now and finally feeling better. I am back to wanting sex very regularly, and his life is a lot more stable now as well, but his sex drive does not seem to be as high as it used to be . He is often too tired when I try to initiate it (he's a morning person, I'm a night owl) and does not initiate sex himself very often. We still have sex, maybe once a week (I'd like it about 5 times a week), and he enjoys it. We've talked about this and he says he's still absolutely attracted to me, but that it's just going to take time to adjust and get our schedules to work again.
I know that with all the changes in the last year, we're both still adjusting, and that after you're with someone for a while, sex can just slow down. This is all pretty recent, and I know I need to just take time to work things out, but I'm feeling kind of sad and unattractive and looking for advice on how I can deal with this better on a personal and emotional level. Coming to the forum and reading or posting usually makes me feel better!
Thanks,
Rose
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Meaningful sex requires attention. It requires connection. It requires vulnerability. It requires focus on relationship.
I think, rosebush, you do not really understand what early recovery is about for an addict, the enormous challenge he faces every day, the struggle with depression and anxiety, the overwhelming feelings of shame or guilt surfacing, the cravings, the nightmares.
I think you are wanting too much from him too soon. If you are horny, you can take care of that yourself. If you want INTIMACY, then you will have to wait for it.
Because I am not an addict, I do not know what withdrawal and recovery feels like. But I imagine it as someone with food poisoning. Ever had food poisoning? How interested were you in a relationship at the time? If someone had been knocking on the bathroom door wanting loving attention and intimate sex, what would you have done?
He has only 15 months. Thank God. But he is far from safe.
I don't think he wants to lose you. Try to find ways to help yourself feel FEMININE without sex on your terms. Manicures, pedicures, hair color, massage, sparkly jewelry....all can help keep your womanhood nurtured.
He needs at least another 15 months of patience. Hope you can find ways to let him work to save his life as you, in turn, live the most beautiful life you can.
I think, rosebush, you do not really understand what early recovery is about for an addict, the enormous challenge he faces every day, the struggle with depression and anxiety, the overwhelming feelings of shame or guilt surfacing, the cravings, the nightmares.
I think you are wanting too much from him too soon. If you are horny, you can take care of that yourself. If you want INTIMACY, then you will have to wait for it.
Because I am not an addict, I do not know what withdrawal and recovery feels like. But I imagine it as someone with food poisoning. Ever had food poisoning? How interested were you in a relationship at the time? If someone had been knocking on the bathroom door wanting loving attention and intimate sex, what would you have done?
He has only 15 months. Thank God. But he is far from safe.
I don't think he wants to lose you. Try to find ways to help yourself feel FEMININE without sex on your terms. Manicures, pedicures, hair color, massage, sparkly jewelry....all can help keep your womanhood nurtured.
He needs at least another 15 months of patience. Hope you can find ways to let him work to save his life as you, in turn, live the most beautiful life you can.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
rosebush:
First off, I think it's important to respect that fact that only you can know what you need and how long you can "wait" to have it. And you absolutely have the right to do what you have to do to get your needs met, as long as you do it honestly and openly. Certainly there are some people who have no problem living with minimal or even non-existent sexual activity within the context of their primary relationship...but no one has the right to tell you that that will work for you or that you don't have your priorities right if that doesn't work for you.
All that being said, early recovery is hard on A's and the ones who love them in many ways...and the fact that you are still having sex once a week, actually sounds relatively good compared to what a lot of people I know have experienced / are experiencing. (I'm not saying that that has to be enough to you; I'm just putting some context around it.) I think it's probably pretty important to realize that very low-self-esteem and, therefore, fear of vulnerability are BIG issues for most people who have been affected by alcoholism/addiction and that both of those things are really big blocks to intimacy of any kind...both of those things are also things that it takes anyone who's experiencing them a lot of time and work to begin to heal from.
It sounds like your A is doing his recovery work..and that's great...and some of the suggestions that people have given you here about self-love and other ways to take care of yourself are good stop-gap measures.....but living on stop-gap measures indefinitely is not something that has ever worked for me personally, and only you are in the position to determine if and how long it will work for you.
There is no way around the fact that this stuff is hard and can end up leading to painful choices...but if you stay in touch with what you're needing and feeling and try to be compassionate toward your partner without "giving up" yourself, you will find the solution that works for you...at least for today....and, whatever that is, it is OK.
freya
First off, I think it's important to respect that fact that only you can know what you need and how long you can "wait" to have it. And you absolutely have the right to do what you have to do to get your needs met, as long as you do it honestly and openly. Certainly there are some people who have no problem living with minimal or even non-existent sexual activity within the context of their primary relationship...but no one has the right to tell you that that will work for you or that you don't have your priorities right if that doesn't work for you.
All that being said, early recovery is hard on A's and the ones who love them in many ways...and the fact that you are still having sex once a week, actually sounds relatively good compared to what a lot of people I know have experienced / are experiencing. (I'm not saying that that has to be enough to you; I'm just putting some context around it.) I think it's probably pretty important to realize that very low-self-esteem and, therefore, fear of vulnerability are BIG issues for most people who have been affected by alcoholism/addiction and that both of those things are really big blocks to intimacy of any kind...both of those things are also things that it takes anyone who's experiencing them a lot of time and work to begin to heal from.
It sounds like your A is doing his recovery work..and that's great...and some of the suggestions that people have given you here about self-love and other ways to take care of yourself are good stop-gap measures.....but living on stop-gap measures indefinitely is not something that has ever worked for me personally, and only you are in the position to determine if and how long it will work for you.
There is no way around the fact that this stuff is hard and can end up leading to painful choices...but if you stay in touch with what you're needing and feeling and try to be compassionate toward your partner without "giving up" yourself, you will find the solution that works for you...at least for today....and, whatever that is, it is OK.
freya
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by rosebush 
We've talked about this and he says he's still absolutely attracted to me, but that it's just going to take time to adjust and get our schedules to work again.
I don't remember what show it was that I watched, but it's been a few years back, and the topic was sex, and how it starts long before you hit the bedroom. It's more than just the physical act of intercourse, it's intimacy, that hug in the morning over coffee, maybe the flowers he sends you, a phone call to each other during the day.
I can understand you not feeling desirable because I took everything personal for so long. That's a hard one to get past, but it is do-able.
I've probably been about as much help as a bad case of hemorrhoids, but those are my thoughts on the subject!
:ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Atlanta suburbs
Posts: 33
Rose, not sure how old your boyfriend is, but I'm a guy, and from about the time we're 20, our sex drive gradually declines... slowly but it does happen. Also, our testosterone levels are highest when we wake up in the morning and decline throughout the day.... which could explain why he doesn't seem all that interested late at night. I know in my case I am much more interested in, and able to have, sex in the morning for that reason... and much, much less interested/able the later in the day it gets.
I"m not an A so I can't speak to the effects of sobriety/recovery, but as others have addressed, that has to be a huge change with impacts on a guy's body.... perhaps even testosterone levels. And of course there's all the other psychological factors others mentioned.... who knows what could be going on there.
However, my guess is that none of this has anything to do with you. When I had some sexual performance issues earlier in my marriage, it had absolutely nothing to do with my wife... of course she thought it was all about her.... but then again she's my A so that's probably not a surprising statement.
Just thought I'd give the guy's perspective here. Hope that helps.
I"m not an A so I can't speak to the effects of sobriety/recovery, but as others have addressed, that has to be a huge change with impacts on a guy's body.... perhaps even testosterone levels. And of course there's all the other psychological factors others mentioned.... who knows what could be going on there.
However, my guess is that none of this has anything to do with you. When I had some sexual performance issues earlier in my marriage, it had absolutely nothing to do with my wife... of course she thought it was all about her.... but then again she's my A so that's probably not a surprising statement.
Just thought I'd give the guy's perspective here. Hope that helps.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Huxley, Iowa
Posts: 3
Rosebush...I think we are twins. I myself am not on the road to recovery I came here looking for support because I feel like my husband has taking a huge hammer to our relationship and shattered everything we had. Due to the narcotics my husband was on he wasn't and still can't even have sex with me. It was like throwing salt on an open wound because I think my need for it now more than ever is to just reconnect with my husband. I think its just going to be a matter of hanging in there for the both of us, and not directing this as being rejected or feeling that your boyfriend is no longer attracted to you. I read some of the replies on this about how you don't know anything about recovery and thought it was sad that people would say that because you never were pretending you were asking a question that I myself would love answered. I just wanted to let you know that there are other people out there who have the same problem and who are hurting too.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
My BF is 15 months sober too and we haven't had sex at all since he got sober and long before then too. I understand the frustration believe me but I'd kill for once a week, lol.
What gets to me is not so much the lack of intimacy (although thats a killer sometimes) it's his unwillingness to do anything about it, i.e. see a doctor.
Is your BF prepared to see a doc, does he think he has a low sex drive?
What gets to me is not so much the lack of intimacy (although thats a killer sometimes) it's his unwillingness to do anything about it, i.e. see a doctor.
Is your BF prepared to see a doc, does he think he has a low sex drive?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
I'm sorry if my post might have sounded like a criticism about "not understanding recovery." What I meant was what I later said: that I, too, do not know what withdrawal and recovery feel like but that I have to try to imagine it in order to have compassion and patience.
Addiction is a fatal disease. I always try to remember that.
All the very best,
Bluejay
Addiction is a fatal disease. I always try to remember that.
All the very best,
Bluejay
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 7
Wow! Thanks to everyone for such great replies! Bluejay, I understand what you were trying to say and appreciate the sentiment. I do not really know what's going on in his head and, not being an addict myself, can't really fully understand what he's thinking.
We've talked some more and he's already making an effort to work with me on this and is open to talking about it. It's hard because I know intellectually that it will take time for us to get back in the habit of having regular sex, but I still have those creeping negative thoughts in my mind making me feel like it must be something about me. We're busy people and we share a lot of intimacy in other ways so I know I shouldn't beat myself up about sex. It can just feel very confusing sometimes and it's great to be able to come to a forum like this and hear some good opinions and to put it all in perspective--once a week really isn't all that bad considering everything that's happened in our lives.
As for the age question, he's 27 and I'm 24. So we're pretty young, which is all the more reason I sometimes think there's something wrong and we should be having lots more sex. I am definitely going to take the advice about the manicure/pedicure and try to focus on feeling good about myself from the inside.
We've talked some more and he's already making an effort to work with me on this and is open to talking about it. It's hard because I know intellectually that it will take time for us to get back in the habit of having regular sex, but I still have those creeping negative thoughts in my mind making me feel like it must be something about me. We're busy people and we share a lot of intimacy in other ways so I know I shouldn't beat myself up about sex. It can just feel very confusing sometimes and it's great to be able to come to a forum like this and hear some good opinions and to put it all in perspective--once a week really isn't all that bad considering everything that's happened in our lives.
As for the age question, he's 27 and I'm 24. So we're pretty young, which is all the more reason I sometimes think there's something wrong and we should be having lots more sex. I am definitely going to take the advice about the manicure/pedicure and try to focus on feeling good about myself from the inside.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hey Rose,
Take care of yourself. You are so young and have such a bright long future ahead.
Some people do have an ebb and flow of sexual urges depending on what is going on in their life. Stress is a BIG factor in wanting sex. I noticed with my exes that when they were under stress, they were NOT interested, period. When I tried to persuade, neither one appreciated it and I think in hindsight it made the situation more stressful for them and frustrating for me. Talking is a great start to resolving the issue if he is working on his stuff and you are working on yours.
I am not an expert, but have had two long term relationships both with men older than I am.
Take care,
Miss
Take care of yourself. You are so young and have such a bright long future ahead.
Some people do have an ebb and flow of sexual urges depending on what is going on in their life. Stress is a BIG factor in wanting sex. I noticed with my exes that when they were under stress, they were NOT interested, period. When I tried to persuade, neither one appreciated it and I think in hindsight it made the situation more stressful for them and frustrating for me. Talking is a great start to resolving the issue if he is working on his stuff and you are working on yours.
I am not an expert, but have had two long term relationships both with men older than I am.
Take care,
Miss
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
