Confusing relationship with recovering addict/alcoholic

[princess18]

Right, I met this guy online last summer.. Told me he was an alcoholic, didnt drink at all now... in recovery (had 8 months sober then)... I accepted him for who he was.. who needs alcohol anyway.. we had loads of fun without it! When we met up there was an instant mutual attraction, really nice guy... he made loads of effort, bought me flowers, took me on loads of amazing dates.. etc etc. We spoke every day since then... saw each other often (4+ times a week)... we waited a few dates before we had sex...then 2 months later he started acting distant and told me that he was getting too emotionally attached and he thought it was what he wanted, but in fact it wasnt what he wanted. He said he needed to follow his programme (AA 12 steps) and get a years recovery under his belt before he could even think about getting into a relationship... said it wasnt me, it was him. Told me i was probably the "best he could ever get" and said i was perfect... and said I would have probably found someone else by the time he was ready for a relationship. I was gutted but we went our separate ways.

He called in to work one day to see me a few weeks later (huge shock), and told me that he missed me and wanted to give me a hug...then he left. Didnt hear from him after that.

Over the next few months he would drop me a text now and again asking how i was and letting me know when he thought of me... and he would randomly call me up for a chat, I thought it was sweet but it was kinda killing me inside cos I really wanted to be with him... one day I had had enough and told him not to contact me anymore because he was being selfish and i couldnt just wait around for him...he agreed and said he wouldnt and I deleted his number... it was hard but for the best...

A few months went by and I got over him, I moved on... I met new ppl and started to forget about him... then i found his number on a piece of paper when cleaning...i stupidly text him asking how he was getting on!!!!! He said he had been in my area and was going to call in but saw a "handsome" guy at the doorstep and thought it was my new boyfriend so didnt bother!! said he was jealous. (although this guy was not my boyfriend...it was a friends friend). He was glad to hear from me and told me BUT he had a NEW girlfriend!!! Said she was an alcoholic too and he had met her at AA. I said I was glad (even though it hurt) and said she would probably understand his problems so it was good.

I decided never to contact him again....

Then he called me one day and asked if we could meet up... for old times sake... i said no at first but then after persuasion said we could go for a walk and a chat. I said ok, totally happy about staying friends... we went for a walk, chatted he told me he had broken up with his gf cos she had started drinking again and he didnt want that. I told him i had been seeing another guy, which i had, who i really cared for.

Then, suddenly, he was 100% into me again.... he text me everyday saying how he had LOVED meeting up with me, how he thought i was great and "never wanted not to be friends with me again." I agreed and said we could be friends. Over the next few weeks he was persistent in seeing me and hanging out... then started to compliment me more and more.... saying he had a great time when he saw me.... said i was looking pretty etc etc. I resisted his advances for a good few weeks. He asked me what I wanted, i said just friends, he said he wanted more than that but would stay friends if wanted to but when I think I’ve met the man of my dreams he will come and confess his love for me!!

One night he tried to kiss me... i resisted and he said sorry, but i was beginning to fall for him... then we kinda just fell into how things were again last year... In a chat one day I was telling him that I dont know what i want to with my life... im still at uni, and he said dont worry... marry me and we can have lots of babies to keep you busy.... we both laughed (what is that meant to mean anyhow?!!) However, its been a few weeks now and he's starting to get a bit distant again....don't know if its just a phase or the same thing is going to happen again! I think he has a bit of an issue with sex too… he’s all hugs and romance one minute and then after sex he goes a bit distant and acts really cold.

I'm just wondering... what is going on with him?! Im doubting if he even likes me or he just 'needs' someone?! Is everything he tells me just lies? I hope not, but he's so hot and cold and don't know what to think. It’s been almost a year since I met him now... he has almost 18 months clean/sober.

How can someone say you're perfect one minute but can’t have a relationship with you... then break it off to get into a relationship with someone else?! then decide they want you again...

I do like him but I'm so confused and don’t want to get hurt...

ANY advice would be appreciated....Thanks

[bluejay6]

Hello P18,
While this is common addict behavior (rubberbanding), it is also very common behavior in narcissists. So you might read up on that topic, too, and see if he is a fit.

Others will be along to help give you more insight. Do take care and welcome!

[isurvived]

He sounds manipulative, and self-centered, and just "too much work".

[tallulah]

Run... run quickly and do not look back.

I think that's about all I can add.

[Sweets79]

Originally Posted by Trying2survive

He sounds manipulative, and self-centered, and just "too much work".

I agree with this 100%, he sounds very manipulative. Be careful with him, because it seems to be all about him. He seems like he can be charming with you one minute then be distant and it's okay, because all he has to do is say a few nice things and you're putty in his hands again. Trust me, I've dealt with these types before. I can't advise you to not talk to him anymore, because I know that would be hard to do (it was for me), but I don't think a serious relationship will ever work out with someone like this. If you can handle it this way, that's up to you, but I wouldn't expect a normal thing with this guy.

[prodigal]

Originally Posted by princess18

I'm just wondering... what is going on with him?! Im doubting if he even likes me or he just 'needs' someone?! Is everything he tells me just lies? I hope not, but he's so hot and cold and don't know what to think.

How can someone say you're perfect one minute but can’t have a relationship with you... then break it off to get into a relationship with someone else?! then decide they want you again...

I cannot read minds, but I recognize a "player" when I see one. I'm sure he can be quite charming and sweep a girl off her feet. He can also walk away with the push of a button and glom onto someone else.

Alcoholism aside, this is an immature, self-serving man. Don't try to figure out his mind - it's HIS to figure out.

You were entirely right in cutting off all contact. You deserve a heckuva lot more than the confusing messages you get from the guy. And please be kind to yourself and quit trying to figure out someone who very well might be an emotional trainwreck.

You sound like a woman who has a lot to offer. Just don't offer it to this man.

[gerryP]

It sounds like you have a lot of great things going in your life Princess, without him in it. I agree, RUN. Who needs it? He's on, he's off ~ come here, go away in the same night.

[Ago]

How can someone say you're perfect one minute but can’t have a relationship with you... then break it off to get into a relationship with someone else?! then decide they want you again...

What he "looks like" is an alcoholic in his first year of sobriety

I had to learn the hard way what "no new relationships for a year" was really for, it wasn't to protect the "newcomer" it was to protect everybody else from the newcomer.

When you are in your first year of sobriety you change so much, so fast, that in 30 days you aren't the same person you were 30 days before, there are 12 months that first year, that's a lot of change.

I hate to say it, but everyone is right here when they say "walk away", not because he's a "bad" person, but because he's a "harmful to others" person right now and probably, no not probably, definitely harmful for the next few years.

I not only behaved this same way my first year, but I have watched countless sponsees do this. Men and women in early sobriety (their first few years) typically do this.

We call it the "come closer-get away" in AA it's so common.

He's not a "bad" person but he's an "attractive nuisance" which is potentially harmful, like scaffolding on the sides of buildings that have to be fenced off by law, because kids get hurt playing on them.

So imagine him with a cyclone fence around with the words "danger-Do not cross" on the fence

I'm really sorry you are going through this

[bluejay6]

Thank you, Ago for that post. Reading it actually brought back the nausea I felt (for two years) after exabf hurt me. Princess describes her experience as feeling "gutted", and that image sure works for me.

My bf was in relapse, I'm pretty sure, after many recovery years, but I have learned that the addict personality in full force "guts" others, whether the A is active, newly in recovery, relapsing, or a non-recovering dry drunk.

This thread has helped me with my own wire fence of protection. Thanks. I guess my sign would read "No More Harm."

[princess18]

Thank you so much everyone, this has really helped. I want to know what he feels for me though?! If anything? We were, well i thought, quite good friends. Do alcoholics do this with friends too?! Anyway, yeah... we used to have some amazing deep and meaningful talks.. I don't see how he can change personalities so much. I have never met anyone EVER like this. Maybe, as I'm healthy, i attract healthy people?!! I just think that if i cut him off (by not answering his calls etc) he will come and find me...he knows where I live/work etc.

I think, after my last exam tomorrow, (although I still have feelings for him) will call him up and tell him that it's not what I want and he doesnt make me happy but, no hard feelings. Tell him that his yoyo behaviour is a typical red flag, hence I'm getting out. I don't want to be bitter because I want him to know that he has lost someone who really cared for him.... and i think, that I probably am way too good for him...(I don't drink a lot and never take drugs, I have travelled the world, I am about to get a damn good degree from a good university, always straight As...so everything that he's not).

And yeah, maybe he is a narcissist too.

Thanks everyone... I'll let you know how it goes. It's so nice having people to talk to rather than being on my own.

xxx

[GiveLove]

Princess,

You should do whatever's best for you - not for him, and not because of what was, what might have been, what 'should' have been. Those are fairly useless measures.

As for what he feels, I doubt HE even knows for sure. Some of our members here have stuck around bad relationships for years trying to figure that out.

Many narcissists in my life have been very charming, deep, intelligent people. The connections we make with them SEEM deep, because they are very good at manipulating the environment to their favor. And I too was on the receiving end of the "come here, go away, come here, go away" yoyo for a long time with some. When they have you, they don't want you. When they see someone ELSE might have you, they want you again. It's hurtful, self-centered behavior that now, in hindsight for me, makes me sick to my stomach.

You are in charge of your own life. If you don't want him to contact you at work or home, make that clear. If he crosses that boundary, get a restraining order. This sounds like a person who expects things to go his way, and doesn't matter if you get hurt in the process. You may need to show him you're not going to tolerate that - at all.

Take good care and good luck on your exams!
GL

[nowwhat]

Gutted works for me, too. What a perfect description!

My extensive research (lol) on narcissistic behavior leads me to believe that your guy is attracted to you because you are such an accomplished and together person, princess. The problem with these pull me closer push me away relationships is that by the time they are over, the loving, good person (you) ends up feeling like there must really be some deep defect that is driving away the other away.

It's simply not true. Some people need to feed off of the energy of others to feel good about themselves. Alcoholics and addicts and also just run-of-the mill disordered people are just not in any kind of emotional space to have a reciprocal relationship.

I think all of us here could have titled our original thread exactly as you did. Confusion is really paralyzing to our own emotional health and growth.

I am going through the aftermath of a long, confusing, painful relationship with an A. If I could have a do-over, I would get out when the confusion and hurt began, before it became so damn overwhelming that I felt unable to move on.

Your plan:

I think, after my last exam tomorrow, (although I still have feelings for him) will call him up and tell him that it's not what I want and he doesnt make me happy but, no hard feelings.

sounds healthy, self-protective, and rational. I know I feel better about myself when I keep the focus on the fact that the relationship was not good for ME, instead of focusing on the behavior of the A. I will never figure him out, and in my mind, that's a good thing. Who really wants to live in the mind of someone so toxic, even for a moment?

Good luck and please come back, let us know how it goes.

[gerryP]

Yes, best of luck with your last exam ~Yay !

Keep us posted.

[gerryP]

Just wanted to add princess, that you may not get a *healthy* response from your friend so stay strong and firm. My experience with Narcissists is that they don't like ~not having control. Perceived or otherwise.

[123bubblegum123]

Princess,

First off, HUGE hug, you certainly deserve it. I would definitely be heartbroken if this happened to me and kudos to you for posting about it. A few things popped into my head after I read this:

Over the next few months he would drop me a text now and again asking how i was and letting me know when he thought of me

UGHHHH don't you HATE when men do this? it's like: ok the relationship is over and now you're just squeezing lemon on my cut! This is very selfish and inconsiderate of him, which honestly are pretty normal addict/alcoholic traits (i'm a recovering addict and I certainly can be very selfish and inconsiderate, although I take ownership of it and apologize when it happens, it's still not fair). His presence in your life is ALL on his terms, which is totally ridiculous. He breaks this romance off and has all the say of what happens when. It's seriously time for you to take back control because a relationship, which it seems like is what he wants he just is too immature right now, involves TWO people - two consenting adults who have equal say in what happens.


You said you were still at uni, so I'm assuming you're young (as am I) so you have your entire life to live & love. Honestly, just the comment he made about having tons of babies to keep you busy pissed me off! He is SO selfish!! I want to slap him myself LOL! You sound really sweet and compassionate, and you deserve someone who is equally compassionate. I'm honestly an aloof and distant person when it comes to dating, so him pulling back may be natural for him, but it is completely unfair to you. Do you feel comfortable laying your cards on the table and explaining exactly how you feel to him? You have to be able to communicate with him, or anyone you're involved with for that matter, otherwise you'll always be confused.

I wouldn't be able to deal with someone who was so selfish and inconsistent with me. When i'm truly into someone I want to be with them and focus on them, and I expect the same from them if they have expressed exclusive interest in me. If they have not made their feelings for me crystal clear, I will not be 100% interested in only them and I'll definitely put other things in front of them, even other men, that's what's fair for me.

You need to put yourself first and try to focus more on what you want and less on what he wants. He sounds immature and unsure of what he wants, so take this time to discover how you really feel.

Hugs & support,
Rach

[Still Waters]

What he "looks like" is an alcoholic in his first year of sobriety

I had to learn the hard way what "no new relationships for a year" was really for, it wasn't to protect the "newcomer" it was to protect everybody else from the newcomer.

When you are in your first year of sobriety you change so much, so fast, that in 30 days you aren't the same person you were 30 days before, there are 12 months that first year, that's a lot of change.

I hate to say it, but everyone is right here when they say "walk away", not because he's a "bad" person, but because he's a "harmful to others" person right now and probably, no not probably, definitely harmful for the next few years.

Sigh. And this is what makes it so very very difficult for spouses of recovering alcoholics.

[LucyA]

I've been trying lately to 'take the alcoholism away' and see people/problems for who/what they are really. To me this is a no brainer, he's taking the mickey, he has control and he likes it, some people do, doesn't really matter about his other problems at the moment, but it's not going to make a good or healthy relationship if thats what one person wants to do.

To me, if someone wants a relationship of any kind they show it in their actions, and if someone respects another person they show that too. From what you say he isn't showing either, and you're worth and deserve more than that. I think we're sometimes happy to blame alcohol for someones faults because we need to blame something other than the way they really are.

I'm not the 'relationship queen', but that's my take on it. Sorry if it sounds a little blunt.

[Ago]

Originally Posted by Still Waters

Sigh. And this is what makes it so very very difficult for spouses of recovering alcoholics.

And now, if we put even 10% of the time we spend "analyzing and working on them" on "analyzing and working on ourselves" here on this forum we'd have this game whipped.

[TakingCharge999]

Hi princess18!

I no longer want people around me that see women or partners as objects.

Just from the fact he looked for you after breaking up with someone else tells me this guy seems to seek company or sex, he is not really looking for YOU really and if you go No Contact he will just pray on another woman the next minute. Play all the movie once again without words, just the acts, and you will see the real him.

I do no think this is what you are looking for........

[Daisy100]

Dear Princess

Sorry to hear you've had this experience. I had this experience too. Now I'm out of it I can see more for what it is. I also had after intimacy - dont get too attached to me - from him. so cruel after sharing intimacy. STAY AWAY FROM THIS MAN. I'm having to see an abuse counsellor now because it messed up my mind. I felt like i was going out with 2 different people, it was soooooo confusing. I'll never go out with an addict/recovering addict again. You dont deserve to be treated like this, it will never get better, it will just mess your head up even further. To be honest, i dont think it matters if the substance is being used or not, look at the user, the drug is just the sympton.
Dont get hooked into this relationship again, you'll only get more and more hurt. I got pushed and pulled, pushed and pulled,it left me an emotional wreck. You cant love someone like this because they dont love themselves and no, they cant love you or anybody else. Thats no a reflection of you or me either, its their problem.

WALK AWAY AND NEVER LOOK BACK. You'll have a chance of finding happiness with someone else, he'll probably never be happy, after all addicts dont have feelings do they? They are in denial with their emotions - hey thats why they use in the first place.

I honestly think they use people like they use substances - to stimulate the pleasure part of their brain, i believe they dont see us as us but as objects to satisfy that same pleasure part of the brain again.

[wanting]

I'm kind of shuddering because this sounds exactly like my STBXH. Ack!