he asked me
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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he asked me
if I want to go ahead and go on the vacation we have planned in June (with the kids) "in platonic fashion."
Via text.
I emailed back, no.
I still haven't told the kids anything. My 6 year old came downstairs sobbing one morning this week because he is going to miss his TEACHER so much after school's out.
I just don't have the heart to tell them. I guess it's probably naive to think they'll just not notice anything.
Via text.
I emailed back, no.
I still haven't told the kids anything. My 6 year old came downstairs sobbing one morning this week because he is going to miss his TEACHER so much after school's out.
I just don't have the heart to tell them. I guess it's probably naive to think they'll just not notice anything.
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Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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(GiveLove puts her face in her hands)
He asked this by TEXT?
Good for you, replying so clearly. Not sure why you're still accepting communication from him, but that's your business.
On your kids, can you plan a different vacation that they would find so fun to look forward to that they'd forget they'd had other plans? What do they love the most?
By TEXT?
He asked this by TEXT?
Good for you, replying so clearly. Not sure why you're still accepting communication from him, but that's your business.
On your kids, can you plan a different vacation that they would find so fun to look forward to that they'd forget they'd had other plans? What do they love the most?
By TEXT?
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Yes, by text.
The kids know the vacation is off but I haven't told them that X and I are not going to be seeing each other any more.
Yes, we will do something else fun instead.
I am waiting for an opening to tell the X that no, I won't be his friend and the reason is that I no longer think he is a good person. He is so selfish and self-serving that he will no doubt try to contact me again.
It may be stupid of me, but I want him to know that. He is so full of himself that he probably thinks he was very kind to me, and he wasn't. He showed no regret or compassion in the post mortem of the relationship after TWO YEARS of telling me I am the love of his life. He is icy cold.
I don't have any illusion that my saying anything will influence his thinking--but since reflecting on all this a bit, I've realized just what a POS he is. There are some things that he said while we were breaking up (the second long conversation) that were so manipulative and disgusting, demeaning really, but I was passive and still gushing about my "love" for him.
I don't feel any "love" at this point. A bit of anger, a lot of disgust, no more confusion.
I just want him to know that I don't think he is a good person, or someone I will ever want to have any kind of friendship with.
I have felt pretty fantastic this week for the most part. Light as a feather.
The kids know the vacation is off but I haven't told them that X and I are not going to be seeing each other any more.
Yes, we will do something else fun instead.
I am waiting for an opening to tell the X that no, I won't be his friend and the reason is that I no longer think he is a good person. He is so selfish and self-serving that he will no doubt try to contact me again.
It may be stupid of me, but I want him to know that. He is so full of himself that he probably thinks he was very kind to me, and he wasn't. He showed no regret or compassion in the post mortem of the relationship after TWO YEARS of telling me I am the love of his life. He is icy cold.
I don't have any illusion that my saying anything will influence his thinking--but since reflecting on all this a bit, I've realized just what a POS he is. There are some things that he said while we were breaking up (the second long conversation) that were so manipulative and disgusting, demeaning really, but I was passive and still gushing about my "love" for him.
I don't feel any "love" at this point. A bit of anger, a lot of disgust, no more confusion.
I just want him to know that I don't think he is a good person, or someone I will ever want to have any kind of friendship with.
I have felt pretty fantastic this week for the most part. Light as a feather.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Nowwhat:
I understand why you feel that way, but telling him that will not only change nothing, it will let him know that he's gotten under your skin...A dream for an alcoholic.
I went through the whole phase of wanting to tell my xabf what an rotten person he was too. I did end up addressing that in my final letter to him, but after that I let it go because I realized I would have been doing nothing more than trying to hurt him as much as he hurt me. In doing that, I would have kept myself in a very unhealthy cycle. Instead, I focused on my self and gained so much more than I could have possibly imagined from that.
If it's the right decision for you, then do it, but think about your motivation for doing it first. Who are you really hurting in the end?
I understand why you feel that way, but telling him that will not only change nothing, it will let him know that he's gotten under your skin...A dream for an alcoholic.
I went through the whole phase of wanting to tell my xabf what an rotten person he was too. I did end up addressing that in my final letter to him, but after that I let it go because I realized I would have been doing nothing more than trying to hurt him as much as he hurt me. In doing that, I would have kept myself in a very unhealthy cycle. Instead, I focused on my self and gained so much more than I could have possibly imagined from that.
If it's the right decision for you, then do it, but think about your motivation for doing it first. Who are you really hurting in the end?
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by nowwhat 
I just want him to know that I don't think he is a good person, or someone I will ever want to have any kind of friendship with.
If you want no contact, why not block his number?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
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One of the first things my therapist taught me about communication is to keep it about me. Telling him he is a bad person may make you feel better in the short term, but it's really just a point you and he disagree on. I doubt he thinks he is a bad person and you telling him that only diminishes you.
On the other hand, if you feel you must tell him something, then I urge you to keep it about you. Something like "I am growing in new ways and the lifestyle we had together is no longer something I want." It may not feel as good as a jab in the short term, but in the long term it preserves your dignity and integrity. After all, he is free to be whoever he wants to be. And you are free to choose who you share your time with.
L
P.S. It's a lot less likely to provoke an argument or angry reaction if it's simply about you.
On the other hand, if you feel you must tell him something, then I urge you to keep it about you. Something like "I am growing in new ways and the lifestyle we had together is no longer something I want." It may not feel as good as a jab in the short term, but in the long term it preserves your dignity and integrity. After all, he is free to be whoever he wants to be. And you are free to choose who you share your time with.
L
P.S. It's a lot less likely to provoke an argument or angry reaction if it's simply about you.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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I guess I could say that I don't see any purpose in attempting a friendship, because it's not a healthy choice for me.
He is not the kind of person I would choose for a friend. I guess that would do.
I have really felt so much better since the break up. Not 20 years younger, but perhaps 10! It was really making me unhappy. I am so glad I don't have to be in that situation any more.
This breakup is difficult because we have involved our children and the vacation is already paid for (airline tickets and resort is paid already). It's also not been overtly abusive or ugly, much more subtle (I would actually have preferred a real blow out, since that makes the right choice more obvious).
So, there needs to be some closure of some sort, even if it's just saying NO to friendship, NO to allowing the children to be friends, etc.
I suspect his is punishing me by not calling and then texting with this. In fact, it was a very manipulative text:
Probably easier to discuss this on the phone, but how would you feel about everyone going in platonic fashion? Not that we've decided to go, but it has crossed my mind.
The text is pretty symbolic of our relationship: he wants me to commit, but he is ambivalent, and wants to have the final word on everything.
He's sick, he's an alcoholic, and I loved him. I have been meditating on the fact that MY ability to love is a good thing, and HIS inability to love does not reflect poorly on me, or prove that I am unworthy of love.
I know this is a scattered post. I'm still processing all this and feel pretty good about where I am today. The communication between us is upsetting, but it will all die down soon, I'm sure.
He is not the kind of person I would choose for a friend. I guess that would do.
I have really felt so much better since the break up. Not 20 years younger, but perhaps 10! It was really making me unhappy. I am so glad I don't have to be in that situation any more.
This breakup is difficult because we have involved our children and the vacation is already paid for (airline tickets and resort is paid already). It's also not been overtly abusive or ugly, much more subtle (I would actually have preferred a real blow out, since that makes the right choice more obvious).
So, there needs to be some closure of some sort, even if it's just saying NO to friendship, NO to allowing the children to be friends, etc.
I suspect his is punishing me by not calling and then texting with this. In fact, it was a very manipulative text:
Probably easier to discuss this on the phone, but how would you feel about everyone going in platonic fashion? Not that we've decided to go, but it has crossed my mind.
The text is pretty symbolic of our relationship: he wants me to commit, but he is ambivalent, and wants to have the final word on everything.
He's sick, he's an alcoholic, and I loved him. I have been meditating on the fact that MY ability to love is a good thing, and HIS inability to love does not reflect poorly on me, or prove that I am unworthy of love.
I know this is a scattered post. I'm still processing all this and feel pretty good about where I am today. The communication between us is upsetting, but it will all die down soon, I'm sure.
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Originally Posted by nowwhat
How do I block his number?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
You can block his emails too, and block him in Facebook, mySpace if you have him.
No contact is no contact. Also, if you have any common friends, it may be wise to distance yourself from them, at least for now.
I had to stay and work at home for 10 days, and I have not said a word to the common friends/coworkers. I have felt so much better. No more triggers, and more space to fill it with what makes me happy and people that are worth my time and friendship
You are doing well, nowwhat!!
No contact is no contact. Also, if you have any common friends, it may be wise to distance yourself from them, at least for now.
I had to stay and work at home for 10 days, and I have not said a word to the common friends/coworkers. I have felt so much better. No more triggers, and more space to fill it with what makes me happy and people that are worth my time and friendship
You are doing well, nowwhat!!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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he friggin texted me again:
Playdates for the kids are an option.
I responded:
No, and let's not talk anymore.
He is so transparent. He wants me and my kids at his disposal, i.e. available to entertain his child when he is parenting. I am seeing right through his BS now.
He has always wanted me and mine at his beck and call. No more.
Playdates for the kids are an option.
I responded:
No, and let's not talk anymore.
He is so transparent. He wants me and my kids at his disposal, i.e. available to entertain his child when he is parenting. I am seeing right through his BS now.
He has always wanted me and mine at his beck and call. No more.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Good news!!
There is a workaround with a "silent tone"
NakedSushi Blog Archive How to block a number on the iPhone
There is a workaround with a "silent tone"
NakedSushi Blog Archive How to block a number on the iPhone
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Blocking can be done by the service provider.
Also, try googling 'iphone block call'. I did, just out of curiosity, and came up with a bunch of possibilities, including this:
NakedSushi Blog Archive How to block a number on the iPhone
Nice job of protecting the sanity of you and your kids BTW!
Also, try googling 'iphone block call'. I did, just out of curiosity, and came up with a bunch of possibilities, including this:
NakedSushi Blog Archive How to block a number on the iPhone
Nice job of protecting the sanity of you and your kids BTW!
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 320
Interesting post. Hope you girls dont mind me reading and putting in my 2 cents.
Yep yall sound like your on track with this....Being a guy I have to agree NO CONTACT is best. In my using days I didnt know much about relationships but I knew alot about holding hostages. Being an emotional hostage is painful to anyones recovery attempts.
Seems like every time I tried to take step three I had claw marks down both side of what I was trying to let go of.
The only way to move on it to MOVE ON. Space time silence are work real well.
"I have been meditating on the fact that MY ability to love is a good thing, and HIS inability to love does not reflect poorly on me, or prove that I am unworthy of love."
I love that one...its right to the REAL POINT.
"You will be painstakingly amazed before you are halfway through" BB
In service I remain,
Joe H from Mississippi
9/9/84
Yep yall sound like your on track with this....Being a guy I have to agree NO CONTACT is best. In my using days I didnt know much about relationships but I knew alot about holding hostages. Being an emotional hostage is painful to anyones recovery attempts.
Seems like every time I tried to take step three I had claw marks down both side of what I was trying to let go of.
The only way to move on it to MOVE ON. Space time silence are work real well.
"I have been meditating on the fact that MY ability to love is a good thing, and HIS inability to love does not reflect poorly on me, or prove that I am unworthy of love."
I love that one...its right to the REAL POINT.
"You will be painstakingly amazed before you are halfway through" BB
In service I remain,
Joe H from Mississippi
9/9/84
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
Looks like I can keep the phone from actually ringing, but can't keep a text away.
This is my only phone.
However, I don't think he will call or text again.
He is probably avoiding telling his son, just like I'm avoiding telling my kids, that we've broken up. This has absolutely nothing to do with his having any feelings for me or my kids. That much I know.
He will have to do what I have to do: tell the truth. I don't relish the prospect of hurting children, but at least he will have a consequence to face. I am feeling pretty guilty about my kids. But at least my intentions were good and honest. He can't say the same.
I'm sure as hell not going to make his life easier by easing this burden. Not my responsibility.
We waited a full year before involving the kids with each other. That seemed reasonable at the time.
This is my only phone.
However, I don't think he will call or text again.
He is probably avoiding telling his son, just like I'm avoiding telling my kids, that we've broken up. This has absolutely nothing to do with his having any feelings for me or my kids. That much I know.
He will have to do what I have to do: tell the truth. I don't relish the prospect of hurting children, but at least he will have a consequence to face. I am feeling pretty guilty about my kids. But at least my intentions were good and honest. He can't say the same.
I'm sure as hell not going to make his life easier by easing this burden. Not my responsibility.
We waited a full year before involving the kids with each other. That seemed reasonable at the time.
May it be
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in the days, after xabf left, I got a few calls, but then they stopped once my involvement didn't continue. But was prepared to change my phone number, if needed.
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