Kids with an alcoholic father and step father

[Rainy]

Here’s a question that goes along with another recent post about the affects on children.

My kids from my first marriage do not want current H and I to be together, ever again. They tell me that since he could not stay sober after his first stint in rehab that they don’t trust that he will stay sober this time around either. Now I fully understand that if it that’s where it ended, it’s perfectly natural and normal for them to have some concerns and fears and I’ve told them that all along.

To make a really long story short, I have 3 kids from my first marriage, their father is an active alcoholic, with a violent temper drunk or sober. However, he has convinced our kids that mom’s current H is a loser b/c he went to treatment. He tells them it’s obvious that step dad is worse b/c he had to go to treatment and since dad can hold a job and drink he’s not so bad---they’re kids, I can’t expect them to understand anything differently. He’s also convinced them that mom has chosen current H over them, otherwise I’d get rid of him……my ex H and his family are out of this world. They despise me for ever leaving him and they despise me even more for moving 600 miles away. I have spent 17 years of my life (I am 34 now) dealing with this family, thousands of dollars have been spent in court fees, etc. It would take me an entire day to explain how hostile and angry and bitter they are. Over the past few years since I moved, I have let go of all MY personal resentments towards them and my ex.

I have worked hard at making arrangements so that the kids can see their father and his family as often as possible, often going outside the set court visitation schedule, meeting him halfway, driving them over their for spring break, etc. 95% of the time they spend with his parents rather than with him, because he is “too busy” as he puts it. I have often told them that no matter what the feelings are between their dad and I that we both love them and want what’s best for them.

Most of the time, kids are loyal to their parents over anyone else. Their father has never spent much time with them, nor has he ever expressed much love to them. He has taken this opportunity to really play himself up and put on a great show. They of course are hungry for attention from their dad and are eating it up. They are 14, 12 and 10. They are now telling me it’s them or H. 14 and 12 are old enough by law to say who they want to live with. Since our separation and divorce my kids have heard everything from your mom’s a *****, that’s why she left your dad, to if your mom really loved you she wouldn’t miss your dance recital/basketball game/whatever just because she had to work. The list goes on and on. I have done my best to not react to these things, nor bad mouth their dad or his family to them.

Has anyone else had any similar situations? I know about Alateen, they refuse to go. I’ve brought home literature for them to read, they won’t. I’ve talked to them openly and honestly, answered their questions, validated their concerns and fears. All of them like step dad, he’s never hurt them physically, but has caused some emotional damage. Now, they spent 8 weeks with their dad and came back like this. But it was starting a few months before they went over there, and it seems that this latest round of attacks is the straw that finally broke the camels back. I’m not sure where to go, what to do, what to say.


Thanks to all,

[smoke gets in my eyes]

That's a hard one, Rainy. I don't have kids, so I'm just throwing out thoughts here.

You could call their bluff. If they did go to stay with their Dad, it doesn't sound like it would be much fun for them. I wonder if once they got there, they would want to stay.
But also... please think very carefully about what they are saying to you. Could there be more to this negative reaction to your new husband that you don't know about? Something real that does not come from gossip from the other team?

They're right, you know. There's no guaratee this is going to work. Are you willing to put your three kids through that along with you? Again?

If you are determined to stay with H2, you might try having the kids sit down and talk with him. Maybe that will help allay their fears. But maybe not. They might prefer the alcoholic who is their real father to the alcoholic new guy.

Extra hugs... I bet you need 'em.
Smoke

[Rainy]

Smoke---thanks for the hugs I did and do need a lot right now!

This is rough, because a mom wants to protect her kids no matter what. I’ve had them in counseling, they’ve all stated that they like step dad a LOT but they don’t like it when he drinks. I think it’s a period of confusion and conflicting emotions right now. As a mother, it is hardest for me to see the kids that are put through the turmoil that the choices that we as the adults cause them.

I have been honest with the kids all along, listened to them, talked to them, etc. I have always told them I would never keep them in an environment that I felt was harmful to them. On the other hand, walking out on step dad b/c they don’t trust him right now doesn’t seem like the right thing to do either. I wont let my kids make choices for me. I wont keep them in an environment that isn’t safe either. What I have told them is that I love H a lot, I believe that he is genuinely sincere about his recovery, I understand their reluctance to accept him back in their life after he failed before, he also understands that and has talked to them. My oldest boy told him he is a ‘cull’ (got that word from his dad) and said “I will never live in the same house with you again.” I have tried to explain to them that it is OK to express feelings and concerns but not OK to call names and bad mouth. He says “He’s a loser, I don’t respect him and won’t talk to him with respect.”

I have no idea where to start with this…sure, I could leave H and get him out of our lives…but what would that teach them?

[kitkat]

I have two children whose father is an alcoholic/drug addict and their step father (my current H) who is an alcoholic. We're going thru a tough time right now, and they have told me they hate it when he drinks, but they haven't asked to leave. They trust me to make the right decision of when. But they aren't real close to him either, so I don't think they are going thru too much emotional turmoil.

I can see, though, how your kids would feel that way. I know I hate going thru this horrible turmoil myself. It just wears you down. Are there any grandparents they could live with while H2 works on his recovery? I know I would hate to have anyone keep in a place where I can never feel stable and am always on an emotional rollercoaster. Or do like smoke says and play their bluff. I know mine wouldn't want to live with their real father - they may say they will, but would never make it.

[Rainy]

Thanks for sharing Kitkat, and I actually sat down with them and told them again under no circumstances would I allow them to be disrespectful and engage in name calling. I re-explained that I and step dad understand and validate their feelings/concerns/fears and WE want them to feel safe and secure. As their mother, I explained to them that I am not choosing him over them. I also told them if they think they would like to go live with dad for a while that I would understand and would not be angry—I do understand they have been put through a lot. I said mom’s door would always be open. Right now I think they are excited to be getting attention from dad and it might be good for them to go and see how things go with him. I know him and it won’t last. Maybe they need to see for themselves. What I also told them is that I won’t play games about who the worst alcoholic is either.

They want to go stay with dad for a while. I told them it would have to be the entire school year once the decision was made, because I wont have them hopping from school to school throughout the year. Since I have custody of them I could force them to stay or make it difficult but I won’t. I want them to see that I am giving them the opportunity to make this decision because I understand they have some issues, and that if/when they want to come back, they can.

[kitkat]

Good for you! Sounds like you are doing all you can and are communicating very well. I really commend you for that. I know how difficult it will be to let them go, but then again, they probably do need to see for themselves and have the ability to make their own decisions.

Hang in there!