I'm sad today because I'm triggering....

[lovtolaff]

Warm weather was “our thing” – we spent tons of time doing yard work, gardening, fishing, staying outside until late, sitting and talking on the back porch. Of course he would drink most of those times and some of those times were NOT happy times but a lot of them were. So now with the onset of spring (well kind of) it’s triggering me. I have feelings of missing him something terrible.

Last spring we planted a pretty good size garden – well when I kicked him out at the end of June – a lot of the stuff had started blooming and was ready to harvest. I couldn’t bring myself to even step foot in the garden without crying so most of the stuff just laid there and rotted unless friends helped themselves to it. Last weekend I worked in the garden – cleaning it up getting it ready to till – I didn’t cry but it was hard.

I look around my yard and there are so many things that he did in the yard it just makes me sad. I love spring and summer (always have) but boy this year it is hard for me to forget what I once had with the person that I thought was my “soulmate”.

I’m sad today for what I know in my heart can NOT be….but I will keep moving forward. The end of this month will be 9 months out for me – and it makes me mad that I’m NOT over him yet. I’m tired of having obsessive, consuming thoughts of him – even if they are few and far between.

[GiveLove]

Don't begrudge yourself these feelings, laff. It sounds like there is still a strong desire in you to feel those emotions again - to feel the comfort of having someone by your side who shares the warm weather, the garden, fishing. I found that until I filled that now-empty space with something more joyful, I kept wanting to go backward just to feel those feelings again. It was one part breaking the mental habit, one part clue about what I needed to keep looking for, for myself.

Those obsessions will fade in their own time. You've made such good progress with making them 'few and far between' - the rest will come in time.

[JenT1968]

its okay to be sad, and fine to be fed-up with it as well.
you'll never have to have a "first" spring again, and you can make new memories this year, so that next it will be the first spring since you had all your friends round for a garden party that wasn't ruined, or had a fancy dress party themed around a mad-hatters tea or where you had a big jam making session, or lay under the trees sipping home-made cordial and reading or did an open air theatre under the trees with your neighbours kids or twirled in the sun until you fell over dizzy or climbed all the trees like a big kid or started collecting flowers to press for a collage of your garden or started a photography/painting/pottery project inspired by your garden.... or whatever floats YOUR boat.

[MissFixit]

I am sorry that you are sad.

That is AWESOME that you spent time in your garden getting it ready for spring. You are moving forward. It IS hard, no way around it. You are doing what you like to do and as time goes by you will probably find a new form of joy in it.

I too miss the things we did outside. We walked in the woods everday and he pointed out animals and told me all about plants. I feel your pain.

[CNMC2C]

Hey lovtolaff,
First off...this is for you:ghug

I thought I'd share with you what Prodigal shared with me last weekend when I was having a couple of days of sadness like you seem to be experiencing.


[QUOTE=prodigal]
You are being honest with yourself and you are examining why you feel as you do. It is painful. But as painful as it is, you are not in denial and that certainly indicates that you are willing to accept life on life's terms.

It those little things that used to trigger me when I was surviving one day at a time after I left my exAH. I'd hear a certain song, I'd smell some guy wearing the same cologne. Or I'd run into one of our mutual friends. It took about 18 months for me to really get on with the business of living. But during that time I got better. The days that were good began to outweigh the bad.
[QUOTE=prodigal]



Prodigal's response was comforting to me on that day, hopefully you will find comfort in it like I did.

Take Care!

[lovtolaff]

Thank you all for understanding.

I really have come a long way from last summer...I was a crying, pissed off mess most of the summer, fall and even into the winter. I didn't touch my yard, garden, flowers, etc. I couldn't bare to even contemplate working outside "without him".

And yeah my feelings of missing him are fewer and farther between than before but when they hit me - they hit me hard. I want to scream and cry and ask why - why couldn't we work?? Why did he have to be an alcoholic/addict and mess up our beautiful relationship? Even though my co-dependent ways probably attributed to our problems - it doesn't matter - I get pissed because I wanted him in my life.

Yeah I'm being honest with myself - I'm letting myself feel the pain and trying to work through it. I have to fight with myself b/c I know all it would take is a text or a phone call and I could have him back. I know better. I remember enough about our relationship to know that he will never change and I would be miserable again.

Another thing that is bothering me - is I know that he is sharing these warm days with someone else this year...probably doing the same stuff for/with her that he once did for/with me.

[ToughChoices]

Originally Posted by lovtolaff

Another thing that is bothering me - is I know that he is sharing these warm days with someone else this year...probably doing the same stuff for/with her that he once did for/with me.

Sure she'll get some pleasant warm days .... maybe a nice garden and some fishing.

She'll also get all the other "joys" that go along with living with/loving a crack addict-alcoholic: lies, infidelity, inaccessibility, emotional distance, anger, and manipulation.


Hmmmm..... sounds like you and your little garden are better off right where you are.

Big hugs to you, lovtolaff!
Enjoy the sunshine!
-TC

[lovtolaff]

She'll also get all the other "joys" that go along with living with/loving a crack addict-alcoholic: lies, infidelity, inaccessibility, emotional distance, anger, and manipulation.

Hmmmm..... sounds like you and your little garden are better off right where you are.

This is EXACTLY why I came here today - I need this reminder. And yeah she has already experienced the "crack head" side to him so I know for a fact that nothing has changed...so WHY WHY WHY do I still pine for him at times?

Remember the movie "Men in Black" - I want one of those little thingies that they would hold in front of you and flash and you couldnt remember anything from before!!!!! I know, I know - if that was the case - there would be no "growth" from these bad experiences - but boy sometimes it would be alot easier to forget everything than have to endure the pain.

[CNMC2C]

Originally Posted by lovtolaff

Another thing that is bothering me - is I know that he is sharing these warm days with someone else this year...probably doing the same stuff for/with her that he once did for/with me.

I too get so angry with myself for missing someone who I allowed to treat me so badly, but I do accept that there were some good times.

The XABF and I too used to share a ton of patio time talking, grilling out, dancing, laughing, and yes....he was drinking..but that was when I was still in denial and thought he just liked a cocktail after work everyday.

Nothing changes if nothing changes, and I believe that if an A hasn't chosen to seek recovery for themselves, and work a strong, sincere program, they just keep cycling back through doing the same things and expecting a different outcome. I think people on SR have referenced that as insanity?

What that means to me ....and this is JMHO.....is that while the next enabler that the A has chosen to be in his/her life is experiencing the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship with the A, eventually the A will not be able to keep the charade up and will reveal his/her true self. They cannot keep the charade up forever...the truth always surfaces. And then, yet another person (enabler)has to figure out whether to seek help and save themselves or go crazy trying to "fix everything" for the A. This to me is just part of the cycle that addiction takes, and hopefully will eventually lead to the A and enabler bottoming out and then hopefully seeking the help that they need.

You and I have both made the decision to seek recovery and not stay in the insanity. I'll tell you what, when you are in your garden and I am out on my patio....We can both think of how far both of us have come since this time last year and you can wave to Colorado and I will wave to Virginia.

[ToughChoices]

I like to think that everyone has some "good stuff" about them.
Maybe they are really good at soccer or excellent muffin makers or expert repair-people or super-patient with kiddos.
Everybody has (at least a few) character traits that improve the world.

I tend to be a positive person - so I see these good qualities. I'm learning that those good qualities AREN'T ENOUGH. Everybody's got some good stuff - let's examine the bad. Is the bad something I can deal with?

What I'm interested in now, as far as a partner goes, is finding someone whose "good stuff" isn't accompanied by negative character traits that make me want to curl up in the fetal position and cry myself to sleep. Every night.

It's not a tall order.

Take your positive, "he works in the garden and enjoys the sunshine and likes to go fishing" mindset and think for just a second. Those aren't CRAZY, unbelievably rare good characteristics to find in a man. I'm willing to bet you there are hundreds of thousands of men who have similar positive traits -
and don't smoke crack then cheat on you!

Eyes wide open, lovtolaff! The world is full of good stuff - your XABF has some of it, but he doesn't have it copyrighted!

-TC

[lovtolaff]

The XABF and I too used to share a ton of patio time talking, grilling out, dancing, laughing, and yes....he was drinking..but that was when I was still in denial and thought he just liked a cocktail after work everyday

.

Us too....the dancing and laughing - ahhhh. But yep there was ALWAYS alcohol involved...always.

And I can tell you that he has ALREADY shown his true colors to his new enabler - but he is very manipulative and knows how to play the "I'm so sorry baby" game.

You and I have both made the decision to seek recovery and not stay in the insanity. I'll tell you what, when you are in your garden and I am out on my patio....We can both think of how far both of us have come since this time last year and you can wave to Colorado and I will wave to Virginia.

Ha ha - when I read this I got the most vivid mental image of us waving into the wind at each other. And CNMC2C - you're on!! You are right - we both have come a long way and I know for a fact that I could never be happy going back to those rare and precious times that I had with him - because the alcohol and drugs will always be his top priority.

Take your positive, "he works in the garden and enjoys the sunshine and likes to go fishing" mindset and think for just a second. Those aren't CRAZY, unbelievably rare good characteristics to find in a man. I'm willing to bet you there are hundreds of thousands of men who have similar positive traits -
and don't smoke crack then cheat on you!

Yes I realize there are tons of men that are probably a good match for me - but dammit I wanted HIM - sober him, drug free him!!! lol

Thanks to all of you for your words of wisdom today.

[TakingCharge999]

Great thread. Thanks all. I am with you lovetolaff.

It is difficult to know they are in a honeymoon stage, it makes you remember YOUR honeymoon stage with them. Just yesterday I saw them together, picture-perfect- and it hurt. Just like the day I knew he was already with someone else after a month or so of our break up.

I also beat myself up because I have been crying for 5 months and it turns out he is "EXTREMELY HAPPY" and these have been his best weeks. According to him anyway, probably he feels better now that he may be able to drink 3 instead of 2 Jack Daniels bottles and has a girlfriend that drinks even more than that. But of course I fall for his smile and attitude. I hate that I believe more his version of stuff than mine.

I just started going to AA meetings, wonderful people, (Al Anon is a little too far from me right now) and I am trying to really GET IT that I am the one who is sane and he is not. From the same situation, he keeps drinking of course, and expecting a different result with someone else (because of course, everything was my fault).

It is difficult to know I was not his rock bottom. But I gather that my role in his life was to be a first warning sign. The loss of a love and a friendship.

My preferred form of self torture was comparing myself to the new girlfriend. As I get stronger I realize this is totally unnecessary and ridiculous. It is really amazing how everything said here is TRUE. The new girlfriend drinks more than him. It is the addiction. Man, I am realizing I am still in denial about the fact that he is alcoholic. And that addiction moves him. He certainly is the master of deceit.

How can they NOT show their true colors? I keep repeating myself its just a matter of time for addiction to strike. In my insanity I HOPE something happens so I can say "SEE, I WAS CORRECT". But I need to let it go. I still have alot of anger inside me.

Of course it hurts. It hurts a lot. But it is a feeling, and it will pass. The gift of learning how to surrender and trust God, is way bigger than any temporary moment of joy with a diseased man. That has given me so much grief at this point, I no longer even try to go to our good moments. To me it was all a lie, and love was never there. It was just an alcoholic quacking looking for sex.

That idea may be extreme but it helps me. Knowing that I do not know how sanity or love look like, give me hope. Just starting to love myself will open my world to the love I am seeking. The past is the past. We need to let it go.

[TakingCharge999]

Lovtolaff, also, try to remember good moments before you met him. This has helped me a lot and I realize there have been so many wonderful friends and memories, moments I cherish with other people in other circumstances... helps me remember how capable of happiness I am. Hope you feel better

[lovtolaff]

It is difficult to know they are in a honeymoon stage, it makes you remember YOUR honeymoon stage with them.

Very much so.

I am trying to really GET IT that I am the one who is sane and he is not.

Wow. Yeah I have to knock myself over the head when I start having thoughts of "hmmm maybe I am boring or bitchy". Funny how NOBODY else but him feels that way!!!!

In my insanity I HOPE something happens so I can say "SEE, I WAS CORRECT". But I need to let it go. I still have alot of anger inside me.

Brutal honesty here - right or wrong - I don't wish him well at all. I wish for him to fall a long torturous fall into losing everything he has. Therein, probably lies the reason I can't get past this. My HP is probably waiting on me to "let go and let God" but dang I am still so hurt and mad that I can't seem to let go and "forgive" him...in my mind he doesn't deserve ANYTHING from me - much less my "blessings". Yuck.

Heck I can't even say "I hate him" because anyone that has ever experienced a soul drenching love KNOWS that there is indeed a thin line between love and hate.

And I too have to wonder how much of his "love" for me was total bullsh*t. How can someone that is always looking/searching/waiting on their next drink or pipe hit - really actually love someone else? Aaarrggghh I get so mad at myself for falling for his crap!!

Hopefully, this too shall pass and maybe in a day or two I'll be back on the "I ROCK" train to recovery!!!

[WomanFriend]

I definitely see my split with the XABF as his loss. He will never again meet another person like me. I have so much to offer a romantic partner. Whether he ever recovers or not, he will not have the pleasure of knowing me as I evolve.

I also see my split with the XABF as my new beginning. I haven't even begun to date yet, but I am confident that I will ultimately find a healthy relationship. Now that I have been through what I have, I will heed the warning signs. I will stick to my deal-breakers. I will certainly be able to recognize unhealthy behaviors. I will accept no less than what I need from a relationship partner, and I will never settle.

I am sure the same holds true for you guys.

[lovtolaff]

Lovtolaff, also, try to remember good moments before you met him. This has helped me a lot and I realize there have been so many wonderful friends and memories, moments I cherish with other people in other circumstances... helps me remember how capable of happiness I am.

This is one of the ways that I am surviving this mess. You see, when with x, after he started showing his true colors - my friends kind of started avoiding us. There was always some kind of drama attached to hanging out with us. I mean heck, I loved the man and he was hard to put up with, I can only imagine how THEY felt about him!

So since our breakup, I have reconnected with those friends and made several new friends and we spend alot of time together doing drama-free things and having a blast. But sometimes during my "down" time - is when I start getting all "melancholy" about what "could have been".

[TakingCharge999]

"Wow. Yeah I have to knock myself over the head when I start having thoughts of "hmmm maybe I am boring or bitchy". Funny how NOBODY else but him feels that way!!!!"

LOL. Me too. No one thinks that.
When we parted ways NO ONE told me "awful, he was great". Everyone was like "good for you".

"I wish for him to fall a long torturous fall into losing everything he has."

Me too. Honestly, sometimes I listen to ambulances and I HOPE its him. I have all sorts of fantasies. As he loves Warhammer online gaming, I also imagine I get good at it, gather friends and kick his a$$. That or something done to his car, or him wandering across town with all the bars and markets closed..!! LOL.

I do not know how to get rid of anger. Perhaps physical exercise. It consumes me. I also wish that "I hate him" part didn't have the undercurrent of longing. It SUCKS.

I glance at the AAs door and think. How much sadness, disasters, losses will it take for him to go through that door? God knows. As he said, he will drink until the last day of his life, so perhaps it never happens. It is sad. And it would have been insane to wait for that moment.

"I definitely see my split with the XABF as his loss. He will never again meet another person like me. I have so much to offer a romantic partner. Whether he ever recovers or not, he will not have the pleasure of knowing me as I evolve."

Sometimes I get some glimpses of that feeling and it feels so true.
I think we all here are brave, corageous, strong and capable. The lessons we are learning now are far reaching. I imagine being with someone who has my similar attitudes now, gets healthier, LEARNS, is humble and he will be so much a better partner, with so much to offer.

Someone in denial, irresponsible, agressive... what is there for us? even as a friendship?

I asked my ex not to talk to me until I felt ready, but really I see nothing in him, even imagining I have moved on, even as a friend. Now I do not care if he thinks I am not talking to him because I am missing him and never got over him. Whatever. Truth is that an active alcoholic is no longer welcome in my life, him or anyone. That at least is a sign something is changing inside.

Me too lovetolaff, we are the same person, LOL. In your patios and garden also wave south to Mexico! Its cool to hang out with other people and slowly move forward.

Perhaps I will do what I have done, One Hour of Grief, beating myself up, the memories of him as the sweetest guy ever, how he is going at it with the new one, all that trash. One Hour of Torture, Sadness and Anger.

Then on with the day.

[lovtolaff]

Dreamer - we ARE the same person. And yes I will wave your way too.

I too get the "good for you" and/or "what took you so long?" How come I CAN'T feel that way? How come I don't SEE him for what he really is?

And as for getting rid of the anger - I don't know either. I try not to focus on it on a regular basis but when it comes - it comes with a vengeance.

I also wish that "I hate him" part didn't have the undercurrent of longing. It SUCKS.

I couldn't have said this better. And it makes me somewhat ashamed to even admit that yes there is still that "undercurrent of longing". Ick.

I definitely see my split with the XABF as his loss. He will never again meet another person like me. I have so much to offer a romantic partner. Whether he ever recovers or not, he will not have the pleasure of knowing me as I evolve.

Get this - X and I used to talk about this VERY subject. How he had never dated a girl like me (stable, SOBER, responsible, loyal, blah blah) and how if anything ever happened to us there would never be another one like me. He knew it...I knew it. So yeah he knows he lost something good - but sometimes that isn't enough for me. What does it change? Nothing.

I think we all here are brave, corageous, strong and capable.

I read somewhere where men like my X are intimidated by STRONG women. God forbid that they admit that or show it - but I do think it's true and it comes out in "other" ways in them. It's hard to keep fooling/manipulating/pull one over on a strong, brave woman who is in "tune" with herself. Just my opinion.

And I think you are onto something with your One Hour of Grief...because in the end - no matter how much time I spend moping over "what could have been" - who is it hurting the most? Me. He has already took up enough of my life - why give him even more of it?

I love this place. Thanks to all of yall for letting me just get it all out there without judgment or obvious eye rolls!!

[TakingCharge999]

"He has already took up enough of my life - why give him even more of it?"

This thought makes me angry too!!

But I have concluded I am not "giving him" anything. My feelings are my feelings. If I cry and think of him is for MYSELF, because I need to sort out stuff, am going through this process... its a symptom of a sick obssession.. I try not to regard it anymore as giving him my power..

I mean if after 2 decades you are still dwelling I understand, but to me its all valid.. as long as you learn something from those thoughts and then take action...

Just rambling ((((hugs)))))

[anubus]

Gosh, I have been going through the same "garden warm weather feelings" lately!! We always put in a huge garden, and even though ground moles usually ate the roots so we never got much veggies, it was still "our thing" and something I cherished with him. Last year he tried making his own topsy-turvy pots....you know, like they advertize on tv. Well, his home-ade ones failed, but it was still the "doing, planning, sowing" together thing.

We split last year after the garden was planted (went back together at Xmastime, but just split a week ago again). But I did the same as you.....just let the food go to waste mostly. Just didn't have it in me to go out and pick it, it hurt too badly. So I FEEL your pain!!

As far as advise, I'm having a hard time myself so not qualified for giving anyone else advise, but you got excellant replies from many others.

I say, feel your feelings because they are cherished memories. Time will heal the hurts, hopefully someday you'll be planting gardens with some gorgeous guy who truly LOVES you, and can do it without the booze & drama. I went through the same feelings when my XH & I split (he was an adult child of an A....same personality). He always manicured the yard so nicely and we cooked out alot etc. I never thought I would get over the strong feelings then. Well, my ABF didn't manicure the yard, but he did cut it....and we did the garden thing together.....and made me totally forget XH "seasonal" feelings. Now ABF & I are split, so garden emotions are back, but they too shall pass....

Since I was feeling the garden blues myself the past few weeks, I am gonna pay a guy to till for me.

Sorry I don;t have any real answers to salve your pain, but just wanted to let you know, those spring/summer outdoor & garden emotions are perfectly NORMAL.