An unmanageable life

[orviske]

So I've started my first book about Alcoholism. I'm trying to find out everything I can about this disease...I'm almost addicted to knowledge.

Lastnight I was skimming through this book and I started reading about Stage I, II and III of Alcoholism. I've decided my XABF is certainly in Stage III. The physical characteristics alone were huge red flags waving in the breeze!

Then you add in the social aspects: In trouble with the law, with finances, failed relationships, DUI's,.....etc....


My question is this....

How is it possible to not recognize that alcohol or drug addiction is what is causing your problem? From my own perspective I realized my life was becoming unmanageable, but didn't really have a clue that it might have had anything to do with our drug and alcohol abuse. I dug myself deep in a hole of debt because of my enabling. How is it possible an alcoholic does not recognize this in their own life? That maybe their activities are causing their hardship??? My XABF still continues to play the blame game.....

"You left because you wanted to, it would seem you made poor choices too"
"I'm horribly nauseous today"
"A beer is the best cure for a hangover"
"Don't make meatloaf for awhile.....it gave me terrible stomach problems"
"I've been kicking and screaming since the day I was born."
"I work so hard, and this is what I get for it."


If anyone has any insight at all on this, it would be greatly appreciated.....

[Freedom1990]

Simply put, it's called denial. Throw in a good healthy dose of rationalization, and there you have it.

[anvilhead]

denial is the trademark of addiction......it's the disease that tells you you don't have a disease. it seeks to blame anything and everything else for the problems, which justifies using as an ESCAPE.

[kwigers]

Denial is our blind spots...everyone has blind spots. Not just addicted people. Blind spots are places where we are not yet aware-we are like flowers, waking up in spring. Our consciousness is awakening, and we are becoming aware, it doe not happen all at once. Thus we have blind spots where we are in denial.
It is common for an addict to be in denial about their using...not because they are trying to be sneaky or anything else, simply because they have no awareness about it...yet:-)
Just like someone who may perhaps be the biggest b*t&* on the planet, yet her own perception may be that she is kind and considerate. She can truly believe herself to be something that no one else experiences except her:-)
It is a human trait! Because we have ego, and ego loves to lie to all of us and make up stories to keep us "safe". Ego is what makes sense of the world around us.
~Cheryl

[MissFixit]

How can someone be in denial when they have had multiple DUIs, been to rehab, received court ordered alcohol treatment, lost jobs, lost friends, cheated on a partner, old friends try to talk to them about their drinking and they actually sit at home 5 out of 7 days and drink secretly? They have publically embarrassed themselves when intoxicated and hurt 5 people when drunk driving a boat and totalling it.

How can denial last through that? Especially if they said they are an alcoholic to me and my family.

Now, they no longer say they are an alcoholic and drink openly after years of not.

[lovtolaff]

How can someone be in denial when they have had multiple DUIs, been to rehab, received court ordered alcohol treatment, lost jobs, lost friends, cheated on a partner, old friends try to talk to them about their drinking

Mine did the same thing. He didn't have a license - due to drinking. He had spent years in prison - due to drinking/drugging. He had lost jobs - due to drinking/drugging. He had NO friends - due to drinking/drugging. Yet in his mind - he worked hard and deserved that drink.

I don't understand it either.

[anvilhead]

well, how long do some of us hang on HOPING they will change when every shred of evidence screams to the contrary?

[lovtolaff]

well, how long do some of us hang on HOPING they will change when every shred of evidence screams to the contrary?

Well let's see...how about 1 year 10 months and about 3 days? Most of that time spent hoping, begging, bargaining, praying, crying, etc. I'm a Taurus - can be a little stubborn at times. lol

[MissFixit]

Good point Anvil.

I get some of waht is going on, but some things I just don't understand. Aside from throwing my hands up and saying it is irrational and insane, that is what active A's do, I have no answer. Logical me wants an answer to complete the puzzle. Right now I am trying to find peace without finishing the puzzle, although it goes against every fiber in my being, except my exhaustive "you must survive" instinct.

[anvilhead]

i've found the farther away from CRAZY i stay, the saner i become!!!

[sailorjohn]

Originally Posted by orviske

My question is this....

How is it possible to not recognize that alcohol or drug addiction is what is causing your problem?

denial

Something that codies do also.

Originally Posted by orviske

"A beer is the best cure for a hangover"

Had to point out, even though alcohol does have poor analgesic properties, a 'hair of the dog' is an excellent way of alleviating hangover symptoms. In "Under The Influence", the authors state that hangover symptoms are caused not only by the simple fact of overindulgence, they are also caused by withdrawal.

[Ago]

Originally Posted by anvilhead

well, how long do some of us hang on HOPING they will change when every shred of evidence screams to the contrary?

This was the crux of the matter for me, it's almost comical to me now looking back, I was like Wile E Coyote in the old Road Runner cartoons right after a bomb goes off in his face saying to anyone who would listen "Did you see what they just did to me???? Why won't they change??? Don't they get it???? How can they do this to me???" meanwhile there I was, time after time, having that bomb go off in my face over and over meanwhile blaming them and expecting them to change.

The funny part?

I called them sick.

They had drug addiction, denial, warped brains from addiction...at least they had an excuse for their behavior, I had none.

Like my daddy always tells me, "Son, who is the dummy in this picture?"

I am over studying other peoples behavioral problems while I stay in their f**ked up systems, plenty of time to learn that sh1t in hindsight after I leave.

(except of course at work, where I am doing exactly that...../sigh)

[kwigers]

I am not sure how to put the quote up, but you said:How can someone be in denial when they have had multiple DUIs, been to rehab, received court ordered alcohol treatment, lost jobs, lost friends, cheated on a partner, old friends try to talk to them about their drinking

I don't really know the answer, I do know that I have been in total denial about my stuff. We always want to look outward at the other, and they do make wonderful mirrors for us. So the curious and loving question is how deep is your denial?

[jamdls]

DENIAL =
Don't
Even
no
I
Am
Lying

[MissFixit]

I guess my denial is pretty strong. BUT, it comes and goes. I know he is an A. I know he cheated on me. I know I could never be with someone who cheated on me again. I know he has ruined other s areas of his life, so it wasn't just with me. I know that I focused too much on him. I know that I wanted to please him everyday. I know I wanted him to love me forever. And, I know I believed that he loved me despite his actions, until recently.

The crazy is over-riding a lot of things I once overlooked. I am accepting better the reality of the situation, I just don't like it...and it breaks my heart.

[GiveLove]

My denial used to be one of the most powerful parts of my character. It was pretty d@mned deep. It took a few years of work dismantling it, but nowadays I've traded the hip waders in for some pretty sandals...

[Freedom1990]

Originally Posted by GiveLove

My denial used to be one of the most powerful parts of my character. It was pretty d@mned deep. It took a few years of work dismantling it, but nowadays I've traded the hip waders in for some pretty sandals...

I like that-trading in hip waders for pretty sandals!

[AcceptingChange]

Yes, denial is definatley part of the problem. Also, the habit of drinking is deeply established in their daily routine. Habits are tough to change. Also, someone who has spent many years drinking daily probably is probably not very analytical or self-reflective. They are more of the pleasure-seeking type of personality. And then there is the physical compulsion, that destroys yesterday's resolve. And as others have said, add the intricately honed skill of rationalizing every problem caused by alcohol on everything except alcohol, and the addict has built up a mental defense shield that stops them from seeing how awful they have made their life, and how much extra work they've added to their life to keep their buzz. Cuz life is easier when you're not obsessive compulsive about some habit.

[chrisea]

it's been 4 yrs past all the drama & now I am getting my finances in order again, so I can get those pretty sandals

[GiveLove]

I can highly recommend them (GL turns her foot to and fro to show them off)

Way to go, chrisea!!!!

[Wascally Wabbit]

My XABF still continues to play the blame game.....

"You left because you wanted to, it would seem you made poor choices too"
"I'm horribly nauseous today"
"A beer is the best cure for a hangover"
"Don't make meatloaf for awhile.....it gave me terrible stomach problems"
"I've been kicking and screaming since the day I was born."
"I work so hard, and this is what I get for it."


If anyone has any insight at all on this, it would be greatly appreciated.....

You said it, blame game.
Understand that blame and guilt are the biggest weapons of the addict and/or alcoholic. When these tools lose their effectiveness because we wake up one day and realize, "it's really not my fault", then they turn up the blame and the guilt, doing anything they can to keep you in their sickness. It's an act of desperation on their part. They begin to realize they're losing their edge, their ability to force guilt on you.

We on the other hand, are growing out of it all. Making room for your ourselves in the world. Getting well. Removing ourselves from their sickness because we don't want to be sick all the time too.

The quote "you left because you wanted to" was correct, the truth. The following remark, "It seems you make poor choices too", is a rocket he launched directly at you. Inside this rocket is guilt, anger, and manipulation. Step away from the guilt. HOLD UP YOUR SHEILD!

[EnoughisEnough7]

One of the reasons we hang on is because the truth is, sometimes alcoholics actually get sober and live happily ever after. I have known a few myself. These folks actually do exist, but unfortunately are in the minority.

We keep hoping our alcoholic will be one of those fortunate ones that can recover and turn their life around. We just want the person that we care so much about to become the sane, healthy person we once knew and to live a long fulfilling life. This is what keeps many of us hanging on and hoping, sometimes for way too long.

[peaceteach]

You are right, Enough (Welcome!) and this does keep us in the relationship far longer than is healthy for US. We sacrifice OURSELVES in the hope to save this other person. Bit by bit, we LOSE who we once were, what we once enjoyed, how we used to handle people and situations, and we become this skewed, fu@@ed up irrational crying and desperate soul who has little to no personality other than to be a reflection of the struggling alcoholic. THEIR personality becomes ours, their UP's are our up's, their DOWN's are our down's. The longer you stay, waiting for them to "see the light" the less of you there will be when you finally realize that it was never up to you to save them or wait for them, that it was always in THEIR hands only and those of their HP. If/when you do finally realize this, it can take years to REBUILD yourself out of this process, really. How long will you sacrifice yourself? Who ever said that we were put here to be a sacrifice for someone else?

Sometimes the act of leaving, or of saying "No More" to an alcoholic, is exactly the catalyst they need to want change. Rarely does this desire to change come when nothing or no one helps to change the status quo. That's why the saying "If nothing changes, nothing changes" rings so true.

Believe me, we ALL have had this hope/dream that our real sane, healty person we once knew would come back. We all waited far too long, I'm sure, for this person to return. And we all suffered our own consequences for waiting. I am grateful that I made the decision to say No More, for myself as a human being who deserves more, and for my children as a role model to them for how life is supposed to be lived, not in a sacrificial state but in a loving, growing, soul-nurturing serenity where EVERYONE gets to thrive.