I need some positive thoughts

[Daisy30]

I am just feeling so bawged (sp?) down right now.

Man... I feel fustrated with my marriage, I am having a hard time keeping up with the kids and the apt. I just want to curl up in bed and cry.

I thought AH and I had a good therepy session last week. We came to the conclusion that it would be best for the kids and his recovery if we scheduled some visitation times (I would be there of course).

So yesterday I was talking to him and said, "We should probably set up a schedule. What works for you?" He replied that it didn't matter. I said, "Well we need to work around your work schedule so give me somedays that work best." He then replied Sundays from 1-3. I said "that is naptime". He said well it doesn't matter they can not take a nap. Since I don't get to see them unsupervised I don't even think we need to set a schedule.

AHHHHH There we are right back where we began. Man, Do I keep going to the hardware store for bread?

And He also told me that he doesn't want me talking to his parents. I suspect he told them not to talk to me also~ as my FIL has not made his weekly "checking in" phone call. It really bums me out b/c they offered to help with the kids. I really could use some help. I think I may still call them tomorrow since it has been a while. It is a totally manipulative move on his part to pull this and an attempt to make things hard on me or hide things from me.

I knew it would be hard having the three of them on my own, but I can't seem to get anything done. I think I need to just be more organized!

I have a lot more thoughts that I am stressing over ...lol but this post is long enough

Thanks for listening

[Pelican]

Are any of your children old enough to converse on the phone with their grand parents? My FIL calls the house to talk with our daughter and I hope he will continue that practice. My daughter likes having a call just for her.

Hugs to you and the children!

[ToughChoices]

Managing three kids on your own sounds like a huge undertaking to me - Of course you feel overwhelmed from time to time!

Breathe deep. You're doing a lovely job. You're making a better life for your family, one step at a time. Things will get out of whack and disorganized now and then - just steer the ship back in the right direction. You'll get where you want to be.

Reading your post, it sounds like your AH is trying to play the victim card instead of acknowledging that HIS choices have brought him to a place where he cannot be trusted to care for your children alone.
I say this not because you can change his mindset or convince him that he is, indeed responsible for his current difficulties, only to make you aware that his is a B.S. line of thinking. Don't buy the "woe is me and my supervised visitation" crap. You are making smart, safe choices for your kids. If that's inconvenient for him, too bad.

As far as the family situation, if you've historically had a good relationship with your FIL and MIL, I see no reason not to try and continue that relationship - especially if they're in a position to help you with the little ones. Maybe your AH did ask them not to talk to you. Maybe they will "take his side". It's not your responsibility to read minds and try to avoid making people feel uncomfortable. If they have decided not to help you or speak to you then it is their job to say so.

Tough stuff. Keep your chin up, daisy-lou! I'm sending LOTS of positive thoughts your way!

-TC

[Barbara52]

It's not easy being a single parent but you will adjust. Be patient with yourself and don't expect anything close to perfection. Setting a schedule for getting the major cleaning done can help but a bigger help is to allow yourself to live with a certain levels of disarray around the apartment. Messiness is fine really. It shows you are putting your time into more important things IMO.

As for him, if he doesn't want to set a schedule, he doesn't want to see the kids as I see it. He is continuing his self centered, "let the world revolve around me" garbage it seems.

One of the mistakes I made in my first divorce was allowing my ex convince me that I shouldn't have contact with his parents. I still wish I hadn't listened to him. If I were you, I would talk to your in laws unless they specifically ask you not to. He may just be trying to control you and prevent you from being honest with his parents.

[Daisy30]

Thanks so much! I always hear just what I need here

I don't know if FIL would call just to talk to my older dd she is not biologically their granddaughter although they treat her as if she is BUT FIL is not a touchy feely type of guy...lol He has a medical background and his conversations with me are very funny....he does a lot of talking and then says "do you have any questions" or "Do you have anything you would like to say"....it cracks me up (he is trying) .

I also feel bad for older dd. She is having such a hard time with this seperation. She has not seen her bio dad since she was a baby and I think she feels like she is losing the only father she has ever known. I need to get her into counceling. I asked at my last Al-anon meeting and they no longer have the al-ateen program here. Although they are wanting to start something up.

I am defiately aware that it is a line of BS about the unsupervised visits. We spend a good chunk of time in the therepy session talking about how that is something I am not willing to bend on. I really appreciate your input!!

Your thoughts are very helpful to me...it is crazy how I can feel like I am at step one all over again.

I keep turning this over to God. I cried all through Church this morning. I need to keep letting go...

[Daisy30]

Originally Posted by Barbara52

It's not easy being a single parent but you will adjust. Be patient with yourself and don't expect anything close to perfection. Setting a schedule for getting the major cleaning done can help but a bigger help is to allow yourself to live with a certain levels of disarray around the apartment. Messiness is fine really. It shows you are putting your time into more important things IMO.

As for him, if he doesn't want to set a schedule, he doesn't want to see the kids as I see it. He is continuing his self centered, "let the world revolve around me" garbage it seems.

One of the mistakes I made in my first divorce was allowing my ex convince me that I shouldn't have contact with his parents. I still wish I hadn't listened to him. If I were you, I would talk to your in laws unless they specifically ask you not to. He may just be trying to control you and prevent you from being honest with his parents.

You hit the nail right on the head! Thank you....

[blessed4x]

(((Daisy)))...The thought of going it alone with my 4 has been scary for me. I think you are amazing for holding your boundaries, demonstrating to your kids how healthy people behave.

I agree with Barbara about possibly lowering your standards on the cleaning. It sounds like the kids are old enough to start helping with chores too. I would get out the crock pot, plan EASY meals a week at a time, and that way you are having that dinner time together to talk about your day, laugh, cry when you all need to, and establish a routine the kids can look forward to.

Don't neglect yourself during this stressful time. Even a hot soak in the tub and painting your nails after all the kids are asleep will do wonders for you. For me, the beginning was making some concrete SMALL changes.......I'm reading out of the Language of Letting Go every day. It takes 5-10 minutes for me to read, process, and jot a few things in my journal.

Hugs to you! You are going to be just fine!!

[Daisy30]

Thank you. I am feeling better today
Blessed you are right I have to keep the meals simple. I am going to look into crock pot meals that sounds like a great idea!!

My kids are ages dd 12yrs dd 3.5yrs and ds 1.5yrs. They definately can do more to help out (well maybe not ds). I think I was just feeling so guilty about moving into this apt. that I really have let the rules and chores slide a bit. I stepped it up today

I am glad to be back on track!