My Sister 2

[Luka3]

My sister is an end stage alcoholic. She is near the end and cannot remain outside the hospital for more than a few days at a time. She has been sectioned many times to alcohol treatment centers. The last meeting I attended - I call it the life or death last ditch intervention- spurred her to call me repeatedly and tell me how much she hated me for what I was "doing" to her (i.e. speaking the truth about her alcoholism). I know it is the disease talking but god it hurt so bad. I lost my Mom at a young age and my sister (who is much older than me) is all I have. I refuse to enable her and this is what she is so angry about. She will also leave me tearful, sobbing messages about how I've ruined her life because I took the family vehicle away from her (I have power of attorney for my dad who own it) so she couldn't drive drunk. To be honest with you guys, I feel like I've been losing it - severe depression, not eating well, engaging in other self-destructive behaviors. Everything in me is telling me - DETACH, DETACH, don't go down with the ship. Today I got a call from the latest hospital she was admitted to last night with a BAL of .372. They want me to section her for longer term treatment again. THis means going before a judge (2 hrs away) and pleading my case in front of my sister. It sounds awful but I don't think I can emotionally handle it. I love my sister but I am not sure how much more I can take.

[GiveLove]

Hi luka,

Your story sounds like mine. I lost my mother at a young age and my sisters really helped me to grow up. They were both addicts/alcoholics, and neither was able to escape their disease.

I remember the phone calls from hospitals where my oldest sister had been admitted, asking what I wanted them to do. They were the most traumatic thing in my life. The kicker was the last one, where she was finally in a coma and I was asked if I would sign a DNR (do not resuscitate) order. I thought I would explode from the stress.

So, long story short, I understand what you're going through.

The foundation of this place is that we KNOW we can't help the alcoholic but we devote all our efforts to helping their loved ones survive their choices. Please do read around the Sticky posts at the very top of the forum, and learn what there is to learn there. Many of us attend Al-Anon face-to-face meetings just to gain some real human support for our stress and depression.....have you tried that yet? And speaking for myself, when I felt myself slipping into the darkness, I started going to a counselor who was experienced with grief. It was a turning point in my life.

Why grief? You know your sister will quite possibly continue on her path and you'll lose her to alcoholism, regardless of what you do. It will be even more sickening, sad, angry, frustrating....with a little bit of very guilty relief thrown in. Please consider putting a greater focus on taking care of YOURSELF in this time. Yours is the only life you can control. Consider not listening to any more of those messages (not good for you)....delete them without listening. Consider letting her handle her own hospital arrangements (not good for you)....she has proven that it does no good. Consider letting yourself off the hook for something you didn't cause, can't control, and can't cure. Like I said, counseling helped me a lot.

We're here if you need to talk.
Hang in there

[Luka3]

GiveLove,

Thank you so much for your reply. It really helps to hear from someone who has been through such a similar situation.

I am familiar with Al Anon (I'm also an ACOA) and am in counseling. Some days it just hits me full force how awful the situation is and even though I can remind myself of the tools of the program it is nice to hear it from a fellow traveler.

I have decided I am done with intervening. I can pray for my sister but that is about it. Yes, there is tremendous grief in this but also some relief. She will die soon but that, I recognize, is out of my control. I KNOW I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF and that is where I am going put my focus.

Saturday is my birthday and I am determined to give myself the gift of detaching and being kind to myself.

[catlovermi]

Originally Posted by Luka3

I have decided I am done with intervening.

You have every right to set yourself free.

It doesn't mean you don't care, or don't love her. It just means it's what you need to do, for yourself.

Sending encouragement,
CLMI

[TakingCharge999]

Hello Luka, I am sorry you are going through tough times. Remember.. this too shall pass.
I admire you, you sound so strong. Addiction is merciless and I am sorry it is taking your sister.
Surrender is something I am learning as well, surrender to the FACT I cannot control or cure anyone.
One AH told me recently that I did all I could regarding an exAH. "You held his hand" that is what he said. And I say the same to you. You held her hand. That was all you could have done.
Take good care of yourself and please keep posting. This is a wonderful place. You are not alone.
I hope that you have a good time during your birthday, reach out, talk to friends and your HP. I did that during my birthday and it was a wonderful, peaceful day, even in the midst of a storm we can find serenity.
Hugs!

[GiveLove]

Luka, I'll be thinking about you Saturday. It's my husband's birthday too

Feel free to use us as a sounding board in this super-tough time. That's what we do best here....it's like a well of different kinds of wisdom and strength.

[Wascally Wabbit]

I can't imagine the stress you're under.
I went to a retreat who had the same story you have. She did say that it took her a long time to detach, but when it came she felt peace about everything.
It was not her decision to make of whether or not her sister drank. She said that she did absolutely everything to stop her from drinking to no avail.

It's hard when you love them so much. She knows what it;s doing to her. She want's control. Control she's incapable of handling.
I am so sorry you have to go through this. Keep on posting and you will lessen that stress.