Need Advice on How To Deal With Alcoholic Mother

Old 02-28-2009, 09:04 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Concord, CA
Posts: 4
Need Advice on How To Deal With Alcoholic Mother

Hello:

I'm a new member here and am glad to find a support group like this one! I'm hoping to get some advice from some of you to deal with a problem I have been battling for about 10 years.

I am 33 years old and my mother is an alcoholic...and her problem has gotten worse as the years have progressed.

My mom is 57 years old, doesn't work and doesn't have a significant other. She has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember - she got help and was sober for about 5 years until she divorced my stepfather about 10 years ago and started drinking uncontrollably again. She is a "mean" drunk and has done/said some very hurtful things to family members that has caused her to distance herself from the entire family - with the exception of me and my brother. We are the only 2 she chooses to associate with, which puts the 2 of us in a VERY DIFFICULT situation of having to deal with her.

I have reached the final straw with her these past couple of weeks - I am pregnant with my 1st child (her 1st grandchild) and cannot deal with the grief she causes me any longer. She has turned into a monster and I can't let it affect my life anymore. My mom is very possessive over my brother and me - she does not like to hear that we associate with any other family member - she gets really JEALOUS! I feel like she hates to see anybody happy and as a result, does things to hurt people by saying mean and hurtful things to try to turn the family towards each other. If I happen to mention that I talked to her sister (my aunt) casually on the phone, she will turn around and call my aunt and tell her to stay away from her children because we don't like her, blah, blah, blah....

Just last week I mentioned that my dad was in the ICU in the hospital (they are now divorced) and after I told her this, she got on a drunken rampage and called every hospital in the city to track him down. My mom found the hospital he was in, and my stepmother answered the phone and told her my dad wasn't available to talk to and my mom turned around and cussed her out and hung up on her.

I am at a loss of how to deal with her anymore. I have tried giving her an ultimatum in the past to get help or don't talk to me anymore - somehow, I eventually caved in and started talking to her again. Everytime I try to cut her out of my life, I feel guilty that she is lonely and end up talking to her again. I don't know what to do anymore...but I can't keep dealing with her the way I have been because I am getting nowhere. It seems to be this revolving process where we go thru this period of not talking, then we make up and she apologizes and promises to get help and never does. Then it gets so bad (like it is now) that she oversteps her boundaries by calling me several times a day and won't leave me alone.

I really try to keep all contact with her to a minimum - I just don't trust her because she has hurt me so many times. Yet, she still keeps trying to force herself into both mine and my brother's lives. We've had the conversation on many occassions about her drinking and how it is damaging the family but nothing ever changes.

How do I deal with this monster? Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks!
Heather
faye1218 is offline  
Old 02-28-2009, 09:28 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Theresa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 179
Hi Faye, I don't know if I have good advice to give you, but I want you know that I really feel for you and the fix that you are in.

You need to find the space needed to take care of yourself and your baby. Your mom is probably not going to change, so you are going to have the change the way in which she can reach you and bother you. I hope at the least that you can mentally let go when she begins a rampage: just let it fly over you, don't touch it.

The blessing that is headed your way, your baby, will prompt you to make a loving, caring envirnment for both of you. You really are in my thoughts this evening.
Theresa is offline  
Old 02-28-2009, 09:35 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
sailorjohn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by faye1218 View Post
Hello:



I am 33 years old and my mother is an alcoholic...and her problem has gotten worse as the years have progressed.

She is a "mean" drunk and has done/said some very hurtful things to family members that has caused her to distance herself from the entire family - with the exception of me and my brother. We are the only 2 she chooses to associate with, which puts the 2 of us in a VERY DIFFICULT situation of having to deal with her.

I have reached the final straw with her these past couple of weeks - I am pregnant with my 1st child (her 1st grandchild) and cannot deal with the grief she causes me any longer. She has turned into a monster and I can't let it affect my life anymore.

How do I deal with this monster? Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks!
Heather
welcome!!!

I think you answered your own question. Walk away from it, and stay away.
sailorjohn is offline  
Old 03-01-2009, 11:24 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Bernadette's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,920
Hi Faye--
Wow - it is such a hard time-- I'm sure you know your #1 priority right now is your healthy pregnancy. You have to make some painful choices.

Having an active alcoholic in your life is stressful- but I found AlAnon really seriously helped me take back my life and offered me a practical way of living so that the alcoholic and all their problems didn't become MY problems.

Here's the link for Northern Cali AlAnon-- maybe give a few meetings a try.

Al-Anon & Alateen Northern California World Service Area
AlAnon Family groups
Walnut Creek, CA 94596
(925) 932-6770

As far as helping your mom- just remember
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.

She is making CHOICES that have consequences. Ultimatums etc. from you or your brother won't work-- she has to be free to fall far enough that SHE decides she wants help and to beat this disease. If having you and your brother still in her life makes her feel like she's still not so far gone then she'll use any trick in the book to keep you guys tethered to her insanity. That's what alcoholics do. Nothing gets in the way of their drinking.

Keep reaching out for help -- and remember it is not you choosing to cut her off- she is making choices that don't allow you to maintain contact with her - you have a bigger responsibility now to raise a healthy child - it is sad if grandma is not in any shape to participate/enjoy but it's one of those things YOU cannot change.

Trust yourself--
stick around and keep posting!
glad you're here!
peace,
b
Bernadette is offline  
Old 03-01-2009, 08:21 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
I'm growing
 
Daisy30's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Hi! Welcome! you have come to a great place for support.

I have to agree with B... Al-anon is a great place to go. I have learned so much and found so much support there.

I also found it helpful to educate myself about the disease. The "Getting Them Sober" books are quick easy reads.

There is also a lot of good information in the stickies at the top of this forum.

It seems to be this revolving process where we go thru this period of not talking, then we make up and she apologizes and promises to get help and never does.
It is a cycle. It can be stopped only when you see your roll in it and change what you do. Nothing changes if Nothing changes


Take care of yourself!
Glad you are here! Keep posting!
Daisy30 is offline  
Old 03-01-2009, 08:49 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Concord, CA
Posts: 4
Thank you everybody for your responses. It is wonderful to find people who understand what I'm experiencing and to hear feedback. I think I will try attending some AlAnon meetings as soon as I can find some time in the midst of planning for this baby!
faye1218 is offline  
Old 03-02-2009, 07:09 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
aasharon90's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,190
Originally Posted by faye1218 View Post
Hello:

I'm a new member here and am glad to find a support group like this one! I'm hoping to get some advice from some of you to deal with a problem I have been battling for about 10 years.

I am 33 years old and my mother is an alcoholic...and her problem has gotten worse as the years have progressed.

She is a "mean" drunk and has done/said some very hurtful things to family members that has caused her to distance herself from the entire family - with the exception of me and my brother. We are the only 2 she chooses to associate with, which puts the 2 of us in a VERY DIFFICULT situation of having to deal with her.

I have reached the final straw with her these past couple of weeks - I am pregnant with my 1st child (her 1st grandchild) and cannot deal with the grief she causes me any longer. She has turned into a monster and I can't let it affect my life anymore. she does not like to hear that we associate with any other family member - she gets really JEALOUS! I feel like she hates to see anybody happy and as a result, does things to hurt people by saying mean and hurtful things to try to turn the family towards each other.

I am at a loss of how to deal with her anymore. I have tried giving her an ultimatum in the past to get help or don't talk to me anymore - somehow, I eventually caved in and started talking to her again. Everytime I try to cut her out of my life, I feel guilty that she is lonely and end up talking to her again. I don't know what to do anymore...but I can't keep dealing with her the way I have been because I am getting nowhere.
I really try to keep all contact with her to a minimum - I just don't trust her because she has hurt me so many times. Yet, she still keeps trying to force herself into both mine and my brother's lives. We've had the conversation on many occassions about her drinking and how it is damaging the family but nothing ever changes.

How do I deal with this monster? Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks!
Heather

Hi Heather Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

I read ur story and could relate it very
much. I too had a mother with problems
with alcohol and prescription drugs. A
deadly mixture when raising a family.

My mom had the Dr. Jeckel/Mr. Hyde
personality. She was a lovely attractive
woman behind the cosmetic counter
at Dillards and could be loved and admired
by many. However when she came
home from work and began to drink
and take her meds, she became a
"monster". She was cruel to me and
not to my other 3 siblings. She singled
me out many times to make me look
hidious. She robbed me of my happiness
many times.

Why? I believed due to her own abusive
childhood at the hand of her own
mom, she then carried it on to me.

Very sad.

I moved at 18 when she raised her hand
or object to me one last time. I left
the verbal abuse and took resentments
and hatred with me and carried it
for yrs and thus drank over it.

My dad was very consoling to me
thru those trying times as a child
and would calmly tell me the my
mom was sick and that she didnt
realize what she was doing to me....

BS...I could see times in clarity that
i believe darm good and well she
knew she was hurting me.

Anyway.............

I have to commend you for reaching
out for help before ur little angle
is born. This may be a very important
step for you so that what was done
to you may not be done to ur own
child.

I swore i would NEVER raise a hand to
my own children when i grew up and
I thank God I didnt. He gave me two
AWESOME gifts for me to care for
and with His help I raised them with
love and care and the rewards were
outstanding.

However, even tho there was no
abuse towards my children I have
distance myself from them just as
happened in my own family.

I dont speak to any of my own
family, parents, siblings and now
my children. No feuding amongst
any of us, just little to no verbal
communication.

Mom mom told me at a young age
to stay away from my dad because
he was hers. She was jealous because
my dad was there to console me
and always gave me awesome advice
thru those young yrs.

She also told me later in yrs. that
she would contact us if there was
any news in the family I needed to
know about. So it was dont call me,
ill call you situation.

I have done the same thing to my
own children sad to say. So sad.

No i dont have to do that, however
its a choice.

With all that ive been thru, a 25
yr marriage, divorced and remarried,
I have a wonderful sober life at my
age. Ive use this program and my
faith to guide me all along the way.

For you and ur little on its way.....its
important to take care of you. You
have choices and suggestions to help
you so that u can bring ur little one
up with lots of love and care.

In a more healthier, happier enviroment.
aasharon90 is online now  
Old 03-03-2009, 12:03 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 25
Faye - Welcome to SR! There are a lot of folks around here who are very wise and hopefully they will continue to give you some great advice.

I am 30 and in the same exact boat as you (with the exception of being pregnant and I'm an only child). I have learned through months of therapy, reading, writing, going to meetings and SR that I had to change my thoughts, reactions, behaviors and actions when it came to my mom's drinking and her actions (or lack thereof). The only person that I can control is me. When she would binge, I used to obsess about finding her dead or even being scared to death to answer the phone. Now, whenever I find myself getting back into the same old habit, I tell myself that thinking of her and what SHE is doing to herself isn't helping me. I allow myself five minutes to worry about her and then I change my thoughts to something else. It's the only thing that has kept me sane and it's worked so far. I started taking care of me and it feels like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders because I finally figured out that she can't get the help that she needs until she figures out for herself that she needs it.

Good luck! Keep posting and keep us updated on how your doing. Congratulations on the pending arrival of your baby, btw! That has to be exciting.

Take care of you,

Britt
littlebrr is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:58 AM.