Drunk driving - With Child In the Car!

Old 02-22-2009, 07:13 AM
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Drunk driving - With Child In the Car!

Hi All,

Been quite a while since I posted on here. Don't have time to go into all, but will say that the divorce is proceeding, allbeit nasty as can be.

We have a custody arrangement. I have the kids this weekend. My oldest (10) began crying during our prayer last night, saying he needed to see his dad immediately. He has never done this before. We called his dad, and asked that if he was not busy, could he come pick up our child for the night. STBAXH said "yes", he'd be by shortly (lives 5 mins. away).

An HOUR later, he shows up, visibly under the influence, hugs child and says hello. I ask child to wait in the house. I ask him if he's been drinking...of course he says "no". I've lived with this man for nearly 20 years, I KNOW when he has been drinking. He does not even have to say one word, all I have to do is look at him and I KNOW.

So I tell him there is no way I will allow our child to get in the car with him at this point. He denies drinking, gets angry, and leaves.

Am I crazy, or would a "normal" person try and talk this out, and at least say goodbye to the child? I believe a "guilty" person denies, runs away from the situation.

Needless to say, after this incident, my child has a lot of questions. So I answered them. We had the "talk" about dad's drinking..the why, the when...the whole story. I was not planning on having this talk with my child for years to come, but clearly our HP had plans for him and I to speak about it last night.

My baby is soooo confused. Does not understand why dad lied to him, as his dad has said numerous times "I don't drink anymore".

Where do we go from here? I have to say that I feel I did the right thing. I did not create the situation, he did. He could have easily said he was "busy", "working", "had a few drinks" (which he has every right to since it was not his night with kids). He chose to say "yes", and drive after he clearly had been drinking. I guess he figured I would just let him take our child in that condition????

Any input/advice/thoughts are greatly appreciated.


Shivaya
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Old 02-22-2009, 07:27 AM
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Yuck.

It sounds like you handled an ugly situation with grace and reason. Don't get bogged down in the "Why would he think this was ok?" kind of questions - they won't get you anywhere.

Alcoholics drink at inconvenient times. A non-alcoholic parent probably would have said, "Nope, kiddo, can't come. I'm not in a good spot to drive." My STBXAH certainly has no concept of his intoxication level - he frequently insists that he's "Just fine" when it's OBVIOUS to anyone that he is slurry, stumbling, and completely intoxicated.

I think the toughest part of the whole situation was your child's disappointment, but your loving attention and concern will go a long way here. Alcoholics disappoint. Your son is lucky to have you there to love him no matter what and to explain to him that none of this is his fault.

Big hugs to you, Shivaya.
Take care.
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Old 02-22-2009, 07:33 AM
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I don't really belong in this section but the title of this post caught my eye.
I was just going to read and leave but I am compelled to congratulate you on your actions here.
Nobody should ever drink or drive or allow their children to get in a vehicle when someone is drinking and driving.
So again I will say good for you and apologize for intruding.
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Old 02-22-2009, 08:32 AM
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Oh Shivaya, I think we are leading parallel lives. My XAH has been behaving in similar ways. I have 2 kids and I am honest with them. They know something is not right with Dad. They know he lets them down frequently, puts his needs before theirs, and also lies.

I feel that they need to know I will be honest and will validate their perceptions. We talk about alcoholism and the emotional/spiritual effects. I tell them their Dad truly loves them and bring up loving actions from years ago, and then explain his sickness is in the way right now. I always tell them his behavior has NOTHING to do with them..they didn't cause it, can't cure it(no matter what they do), and we can't control Dad. I often share other ideas I learned in Alanon and from my counselor with them. They have both been in counseling as well.

As for me, I am so disappointed by how he treats our precious children. It saddens me to my core and this often pops out of me as rage toward him. I pray that my HP will take this from me. My counselor and I spend time on this too.

I'm sorry for what you are going through.
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Old 02-22-2009, 08:37 AM
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My son is 14 so this sort of conversation is easier but I have run into situations similar to yours. When we first separated my ex basically expected me to be his "parenting time delivery service".

He drinks EVERY night and starts immediately after he gets off work and the second weekend after he moved out he did not show up to pick our son up at the appointed time. I asked my son if he had spoken to his dad and he said no then said he really did not want to go to his dad's tonight anyway so I figured OK whatever.

At 9 pm (3 hours after he was supposed to pick up) EXAH calls (of course he is Sh*tfaced by now) and starts yelling "are you bringing him over or what?". I simply stated that I was not a taxi service and that he was obviously drunk which meant he could not have his parenting time (he is not supposed to drink at all when he has our son, now I know he does but at least I have something in writing if our son does not want to see his dad or there is a problem).

My ex does the same kind of crap yours does, lies to our son and says he is "not drinking as much", quack quack quack. I just advise him that actions speak louder than words and that his father frequently lies about his consumption.

Kids will frequently exhibit some different types of behavior during a divorce. They will try to create situations to force the parents to spend time together or act out in the hope of getting them to reconcile. Sometimes they are just scared and need reassurance.

After a couple of month of "challenges" I let my ex know what the "rules" were. If he calls my house drunk, I hang up. If he ever shows up at my house under the influence or uninvited the police will be called. He does not have "the right" to call whenever he wants or know where we are every minute of every day. If he drunks dials me or our son he will be on the receving end of a visit to the judge.

What is obvious common sense to us is completely lost on an A, especially one who is upset that the status quo has changed.
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Old 02-22-2009, 09:23 AM
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Shivaya: You did great! Your son is SO VERY lucky to have a mom that is willing to protect him and be honest with him even when it is hard and painful.

As for understanding what/how the alcoholic is thinking is situations like this, what I've learned is that he is thinking about himself, and only himself. It's pretty much as simple as that. Active alcoholics are selfish and self-centered -- and I'm not using those terms in a moralistic, judgemental sense -- I'm using them to describe the orientation of the alcoholic's perceptions and thinking. Their thinking is as totally and absolutely oriented toward themselves as a compass is oriented North.

When I was first in program, old-timers were always telling me "Remember the alcoholic is totally self-centered!" and I'd be like, "Yeah, believe me, I know." But I didn't know, because I didn't really get the sense in which they were using the terms "selfish" and "self-centered".

I don't know if this will be helpful to you or not, but here is link to the story of what happened that finally opened my eyes to what "the self-centeredness of addiction" really means in terms of the alcoholic's thinking and perception:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...addiction.html

....but, really, I hope you are proud of yourself for handling last night's situation so amazingly well!



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Old 02-22-2009, 09:45 AM
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You did GREAT!!!!!

As hard as this was on your son ........................................ Thank HP you did not let him get in that vehicle .......................................... it could have been so much worse.

I do hope and pray that in your talk with son, and keeping it simple, that you were able to convey that Daddy has a 'health' problem that he has to take care of, that it doesn't make daddy 'bad' but there are just going to be times when son cannot be with him.

But I must say, your recovery is SHINING!!!! Nice job.

Love and hugs,
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Old 02-22-2009, 10:27 AM
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Everyone has said good stuff here. Just wanted to add - be patient with your son.

I say this because I remember my codie mom - an angry explosive woman married to a habitual alcoholic - was frankly a real bag about it. When I was a child I literally could not see the connections between alcohol and AF's behavior. When I did finally grow old enough and realized the magnitude of the alcohol-induced neglect, my bitter mom called me stupid for "taking so long to see it". She wasn't interested in listening to my perspective; just regularly reinforced how stupid I was. I was already stupid enough for defending AF (whom I believed really did have life so hard that he needed to drink to cope). Now I was doubly stupid for growing up. I could never win with either parent.

Kids don't need to feel like their parents' behavior is their fault, and brain ninja comments like that are simply toxic. From the sounds of it, you know better than my mom than to blame a child for being "too stupid". If anything, this is a reminder of one easy mistake you can avoid. Be the parent that your son can be successful with, and I believe his self-confidence can survive.

I really hope your son will learn to detach from his dad. It sounds like he's struggling with figuring out what he's done wrong to deserve dad's lies and behavior. Keep guiding him out of self-blame. It sounds like you're doing a terrific job so far. You're already doing the right thing in being CONSISTENTLY honest with him.

I wonder if it would help your son to understand that getting into a vehicle with a drunk driver is NEVER okay with ANYONE. Sometimes that just happens to be dad. Phrasing it that way might help take the focus off of dad's behavior and put it back on your son's well-being. It will send a message of what your son can do right instead of focussing on what dad does wrong.

- from an ACoA who frequently watched her AF get out of the vehicle after driving her home and take 10 minutes to crawl up the steps into the house because he was too drunk to walk.
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Old 02-22-2009, 10:38 AM
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Shivaya,

My Dad was almost always drunk when he picked me up from my Mom. He drank while driving more often than not. My Mom knew this and let me go with him every single time. Even as an adult I still have nightmares about it sometimes.

I wish my Mom had had the sense and courage you did. I wish she would have protected me and explained to me - honestly - why my Dad acted as he did. It was hard as a little kid to figure that stuff out for myself, to think somehow it was my fault and then feel that there was no one looking out for me and nothing I could do about it myself.

I know it was a terrible situation, but what a gift you gave your son...

TH
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Old 02-22-2009, 07:18 PM
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HI Shivaya! Glad to see you posting

You did the right thing!
This is a boundry I had to set about a year ago or more. Simply: NOONE RIDES IN THE CAR WHEN AH IS DRIVING.

my older dd knows this and so does AH (and now that we are seperated there really isn't an opportunity).

Last night he wanted to take dd to a b-ball game and he said he would have his dad come in drive if I would let her go w/him. She already had plans so that wasn't an issue....but my point is it is something he has come to live with.

As far as where do you go from here??? I am not sure let your ds guide you. Maybe counceling would be good? I am way past due to getting my older dd in. This serves as a good reminder Thanks!!
keep posting
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Old 02-22-2009, 08:14 PM
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Wow...I am truly grateful for each and every reply. I must say I did post this message in the hope of receiving any kind of validation, and what I feel now after reading all of your replies is....Proud.

I know what I did was right, and I had absolutely no hesitation to tell him he could not take our son, once I realized he was drunk. I'll say it again...I am so Proud of Me! I have no guilt feelings for "over-reacting". I know that it was not me that caused the "scene".

My son is amazingly intelligent, and he gets the fact that his dad has no control over his behavior when he has been drinking. And he knows that his dad is a good man.

I have released an enormous burden from my shoulders, in the sense that I choose not to lie for STBXAH any longer.

I'm saddened that my son has had to learn about this at such a young age, and at the same time feeling very blessed .

Thanks again for your support and honesty.


Shivaya
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