This is a parenting vent
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
This is a parenting vent
I'm trying to exorcise feelings of anger at alcoholic ex. He goes on and one about how much he cares about Kid, but I am the one dealing with a moody tween who's throwing a fit about cleaning up her room, I am the one who had to walk away from her just now before I said something I would regret later, I am the one who has made every frigging school lunch and done every bit of laundry for the past year. I am the one that has interrupted work to look after Kid, the one who makes the dentist appointment, the one she gets mad at because there isn't anyone else. And I am really tired.
I am the one who stepped in when he was hospitalized on a locked psychiatric ward last year, and I am the one who has done 100% of everything ever since, as ex continues to slide down into addiction. I am the one who has to hold the line when he shows up drunk at her after-school care and the police are called, I'm the one who has to say "no more" when he repeatedly screws up and fails SoberLink monitoring.
I would love to be able to give up even the pretense that he wants to be an equal parent and that maybe I can find a way to "work with" him, a pretense which I have to maintain as we slowly drag things through mediation/arbitration. If he wanted to be a decent parent, he could start by being honest about his drinking.
He could also think about contributing something financially towards his child - I've paid 100% of everything while he buys himself yoga outfits and rents apartments he can't afford. I'm not poor, but I'm not wealthy either and this combined with legal fees is a whole lot of money that I'm spending because ex is being useless.
Right now I have to go tell a resentful Kid that she has to go to bed, and will undoubtedly get the eye roll and the silent treatment. I get that she's hurting and that she may be coming to terms with the loss of her father - Kid isn't dumb, she will have noticed the gap between ex's words and his actions, and she will be aware that ex isn't doing the minimal things he needs to do in order to spend time with her, like not drink for a few hours a week. I get that she's hurting and that I am the safe parent to get angry at, but man do I ever not like it.
I am the one who stepped in when he was hospitalized on a locked psychiatric ward last year, and I am the one who has done 100% of everything ever since, as ex continues to slide down into addiction. I am the one who has to hold the line when he shows up drunk at her after-school care and the police are called, I'm the one who has to say "no more" when he repeatedly screws up and fails SoberLink monitoring.
I would love to be able to give up even the pretense that he wants to be an equal parent and that maybe I can find a way to "work with" him, a pretense which I have to maintain as we slowly drag things through mediation/arbitration. If he wanted to be a decent parent, he could start by being honest about his drinking.
He could also think about contributing something financially towards his child - I've paid 100% of everything while he buys himself yoga outfits and rents apartments he can't afford. I'm not poor, but I'm not wealthy either and this combined with legal fees is a whole lot of money that I'm spending because ex is being useless.
Right now I have to go tell a resentful Kid that she has to go to bed, and will undoubtedly get the eye roll and the silent treatment. I get that she's hurting and that she may be coming to terms with the loss of her father - Kid isn't dumb, she will have noticed the gap between ex's words and his actions, and she will be aware that ex isn't doing the minimal things he needs to do in order to spend time with her, like not drink for a few hours a week. I get that she's hurting and that I am the safe parent to get angry at, but man do I ever not like it.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hey, Sasha.
Well, you are in a hard place right now.
I think things will even out in time.
Just keep doing the next right thing.
When I divorced, unfortunately, I wasn't always smart about keeping my child out of the fray and that, unfortunately has had ramifications.
My ex wasn't a drinker, but he sure was vindictive.
You are doing a great job and you are an example to me as grace under extreme pressure.
Well, you are in a hard place right now.
I think things will even out in time.
Just keep doing the next right thing.
When I divorced, unfortunately, I wasn't always smart about keeping my child out of the fray and that, unfortunately has had ramifications.
My ex wasn't a drinker, but he sure was vindictive.
You are doing a great job and you are an example to me as grace under extreme pressure.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Sasha - I want you to know that I think you are an amazing mother for protecting your daughter whether she knows this or not. I am so sorry you're having to endure this with your daughter on top of what you're having to manage with your XAH.
From one mother to another - You're doing a great job! You can do it, keep going for her. She will thank you when she's old enough to understand.
From one mother to another - You're doing a great job! You can do it, keep going for her. She will thank you when she's old enough to understand.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Ahh...yes. It gets old.
It's the reality and likely won't change. My X loves to act like he is father of the year. In reality, he is not a father at all. I do it all, an it does get exhausting. When you learn to expect nothing, you are not surprised or disappointed when that is what you get. Eventually your DD will get enough age and experience under her belt to understand this as well.
Hugs.
It's the reality and likely won't change. My X loves to act like he is father of the year. In reality, he is not a father at all. I do it all, an it does get exhausting. When you learn to expect nothing, you are not surprised or disappointed when that is what you get. Eventually your DD will get enough age and experience under her belt to understand this as well.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
sasha, i totally GET your frustration and feeling like it is all on you. any single parent, even if they work cooperatively with the estranged other parent feels it to some degree. you are not alone.
i remember clearly feeling like a cross between a sherpa and a soccer mom, always on the go to whatever the next "kid" thing was - or driving back over to her dad's with the "other" soccer sock....ballet shoe....school book. saying to myself all this stuff i HAD to do.....
and then it hit me. no, i am actually blessed that i GET to do all these things my child. i am blessed to BE a mom. i don't know if that helps you at all, but it was a like a bolt of lightening for me...........
i remember clearly feeling like a cross between a sherpa and a soccer mom, always on the go to whatever the next "kid" thing was - or driving back over to her dad's with the "other" soccer sock....ballet shoe....school book. saying to myself all this stuff i HAD to do.....
and then it hit me. no, i am actually blessed that i GET to do all these things my child. i am blessed to BE a mom. i don't know if that helps you at all, but it was a like a bolt of lightening for me...........
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Sasha, when living with an active drinker you're doing all these things. I get it that it's hard not letting someone else's denial get to you especially the A. Do something special for you each day. You deserve it. It will help create serenity.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Thanks everyone. You're right - if I was still with ex this would be ten times harder. Low expectations are key to serenity. And I do think Kid is a wonderful kid, smart and independent and thoughtful and kind, and I feel very lucky (most of the time) to be her mom.
Part of why this gets to me is that ex used to tell me what a cold, distant parent I was and how Kid loved him more than she loved me. It was one of his themes - he's the warm, loving, caring parent and I'm the career-obsessed iceberg who only cares about her work and her friends. In hindsight, not true at all. But it was repeated enough that it still sticks with me - so that when Kid is in one of her sullen moods, part of me is thinking "maybe he was right, maybe she's unhappy because she's stuck with me as her parent instead of her father" - instead of thinking "everyone says that teen girls are way moody, and Kid has a double load because not only is she a tween girl, she's also got the emotional consequences of an addicted father who is largely absent, so I should just relax a bit and ride this out".
Posting here is really helpful because I get that external perspective that is missing from inside my head, which is where I end up talking about this stuff most of the time!
Part of why this gets to me is that ex used to tell me what a cold, distant parent I was and how Kid loved him more than she loved me. It was one of his themes - he's the warm, loving, caring parent and I'm the career-obsessed iceberg who only cares about her work and her friends. In hindsight, not true at all. But it was repeated enough that it still sticks with me - so that when Kid is in one of her sullen moods, part of me is thinking "maybe he was right, maybe she's unhappy because she's stuck with me as her parent instead of her father" - instead of thinking "everyone says that teen girls are way moody, and Kid has a double load because not only is she a tween girl, she's also got the emotional consequences of an addicted father who is largely absent, so I should just relax a bit and ride this out".
Posting here is really helpful because I get that external perspective that is missing from inside my head, which is where I end up talking about this stuff most of the time!
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Sasha, I agree with others-you are an amazing Mom dealing with a very difficult situation. My thoughts- my daughter as a teen was soooo trying, ugh. Now, we are so close and our relationship is one of the great joys in my life (she's in her thirties with 2 young kids) so she knows what its like.
You deserve a break. Can you get away for a night with a girlfriend?
A little time away can really help you recharge. Is she still seeing
a counselor?
You deserve a break. Can you get away for a night with a girlfriend?
A little time away can really help you recharge. Is she still seeing
a counselor?
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
I know exactly what you're feeling, Sasha. Resentment!
My daughter is still just a baby, and recently, I've been trying out sleep training. (Anyone who has ever been through it knows how grueling it is to listen to your child wail for almost an hour.)
Anyhow, my daughter didn't take the idea of napping in her crib very well, and I found myself walking around the house, holding my hands over my ears, taking deep breaths, and cursing AXBF under my breath. All I could think was, I'm not supposed to be doing this by myself!
You're not alone in your feelings. It's hard being a single mom--and it doesn't make you a bad mom to admit it.
My daughter is still just a baby, and recently, I've been trying out sleep training. (Anyone who has ever been through it knows how grueling it is to listen to your child wail for almost an hour.)
Anyhow, my daughter didn't take the idea of napping in her crib very well, and I found myself walking around the house, holding my hands over my ears, taking deep breaths, and cursing AXBF under my breath. All I could think was, I'm not supposed to be doing this by myself!
You're not alone in your feelings. It's hard being a single mom--and it doesn't make you a bad mom to admit it.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Oh, Sasha...you have every right to be frustrated and really, really angry! It's *not* fair and it's *not* right that you have to continue to deal with the consequences of his drinking. He is one profoundly ill human being. And because you are actually the sane one, your daughter takes her pain out on you! That must be incredibly tough to endure!
Your dear daughter does sound like a great young lady, but in a lot of pain. For whatever it may be worth, I think you are doing a great job maintaining boundaries and principles with her...keeping normal, healthy expectations about chores and school work. It sounds like she is just lashing out because half of her world (her dad) is in chaos right now and may be for a while to come.
I am sorry for you both and all that you have had to endure at the altar of someone else's addiction. Sending hugs!
Your dear daughter does sound like a great young lady, but in a lot of pain. For whatever it may be worth, I think you are doing a great job maintaining boundaries and principles with her...keeping normal, healthy expectations about chores and school work. It sounds like she is just lashing out because half of her world (her dad) is in chaos right now and may be for a while to come.
I am sorry for you both and all that you have had to endure at the altar of someone else's addiction. Sending hugs!
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