Step Study - Step 4

[CatsPajamas]

If you are just joining in, this is an online Step Study. Each of the 12 steps will have its own thread, so you can participate at whatever level you are comfortable.

Most of the information here comes from the books Paths To Recovery, Al-Anon’s Steps, Traditions and Concepts ©1997and How Al Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics ©1995, along with some readings from Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in Al Anon II ©1992.

Here are links to the other steps in case you want to review:

Step 1 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2061194 (Step Study - Step 1)

Step 2 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-step-2-a.html (Step Study - Step 2)

Step 3 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-step-3-a.html (Step Study - Step 3)

Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

The following is from Paths to Recovery, Al Anon’s Steps, Traditions, and Concepts. pp 38 and 39.

Steps One, Two and Three taught us about the disease of alcoholism, that we are powerless over the disease and that a Power greater than ourselves can return us to sanity if we so desire. As in climbing a staircase, we are at the next Step – a Step for spiritual self-discovery. In nine simple words, Step Four challenges us to take a thorough look at ourselves, the positives as well as the negatives.

The decision to turn our life and will over to the care our Higher Power is demonstrated when we follow it up with the action of taking our moral inventory. The word “searching” has an important impact. This word tells us that it is going to take some research into our past, looking for all the personal issues that are a part of our makeup. When we lose our keys, we will search for them until they are found or until we are satisfied that they are gone forever. Similarly the search through our moral character must be equally thorough. This is where we begin to learn that it is important to write out this Step. If we need to make a list before grocery shopping, doesn’t it seem logical that, in something as important as the personal study of our lives, we keep documentation as well?

[CatsPajamas]

In studying the wording of this Step, we now examine the word “fearless”. Some members say fear stands for false evidence appearing real. What better way to find out if we fear reality or an illusion than to plunge into the fear itself? With a phone call to our sponsor or program friends, we find that beginning to list our fears is another way to start our inventory. Until we take our inventory, we don’t’ know which character defects blocked us from recovery. “Just do it” we are repeatedly advised. We don’t’ need to do it perfectly, there will be time to do it again. If we don’t make a start, nothing about us will ever change. When we courageously and carefully examine where we are, the door to change is opened.

Finally, we read the last phrase, “moral inventory of ourselves”. The self-analysis required in a fearless moral inventory is an essential step toward recognizing our responsibilities and find appropriate, healthful release from our physical, emotional and spiritual experiences. We can begin by writing about the events and people we resent or distrust,. Writing becomes important because few of us can remember the many incidents and people that affected us. Writing also helps us to step back and gain a little detachment before we explore our behavior and the characteristics it reveals about us.

[CatsPajamas]

Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

As we begin to consider the questions below, we need to remember to keep it simple and pray for guidance and courage. The following are not all-inclusive, but rather point to a beginning.


IN PREPARING TO TAKE AN INVENTORY:

Am I willing to look honestly at myself? What stands in my way?

Have I sought help from my Higher Power, my sponsor or other Al-Anon members?

What suggestions have I tried to see if they might work?

Do I understand the spiritual principle of an inventory?

What do “searching” and “fearless” mean to me?

What does a “moral inventory” mean?



WE CONTINUE BY EXAMINING OUR ASSETS

An inventory is not just our faults; we must also assess our positive traits and accomplishments. If we are stymied by this task, it can be useful to think about qualities we like in others and whether we may possess that same trait.

In what ways am I caring? How do I empathize with other people? Am I kind to myself? Am I kind to the elderly? Children? My family? My friends? Those in need of my assistance? Am I agreeable and courteous?

How am I tolerant?

Am I open to another’s point of view?

Do I listen in meetings and accept that others have needs different from mine?

Do I practice patience with a newcomer?

How am I trustworthy? Do I pay my bills? Am I prompt? Do I fulfill my commitments? Do I act responsible in my job? How much can my family and friends depend on me?

How am I honest? Do I tell the whole truth? If not, what stops me from telling the truth?

In what ways do I take care of myself? Do I make needed medical appointments? Do I dress appropriately? Do I eat healthy foods? Exercise? Meditate?

How am I respectful? Do I take care of material things, whether mine or others? Do I show respect for the law?

How am I generous? Do I contribute to my group? To the World Service Office triannual appeal? Have I contributed by volunteering to be a trusted servant?

In what ways do I look for the good in others?

How am I kind? Am I considerate of other people? Do I listen patiently to a friend in need? Do I offer help when asked? Do I think to point out the good in others?

How do I open myself up to others?

How am I practical? Do I have a budget? How often do I recognize what needs to be done and then do my share?

How am I dependable? How often do I meet work deadlines? Do I organize well and carry out what I decide to do?

What are my talents? Do I have any artistic gifts? Do I beautify my surroundings? Do I have mechanical skills?

Do I make friends easily? Why or why not?

Do I have trouble with intimate relationships? Why or why not?

In what ways do I express myself clearly and concisely?

How do I see the humor in life and express it?

How am I optimistic?

How do I practice my faith in a Higher Power? In myself? In others? How do I share my faith? Do I have an attitude of gratitude?

How am I humble? Do I ask God for guidance and follow it to the best of my ability? When have I allowed others to share their wisdom with me? Do I ever admit mistakes? How patient am I with myself?

We should now have a list of good qualities to fortify us for the rest of the inventory. With each and every good quality we surveyed, we may have considered a quality we find uncomfortable to acknowledge. A thorough inventory, as we stated in the beginning of this chapter includes our positive as well as negative behaviors and thoughts.

[CatsPajamas]

There is much more to this step, but I'll stop here for now. This is a very important step, one that should not be taken lightly. This is NOT a time for you to beat yourself up over everything you've done wrong, and it's also very important that you are taking your OWN inventory and not someone else's.

I heard a woman speak once about her grandmother's cottage on a lake. After much rain, there was flooding and water came into the cottage. The woman went to help her grandmother carry things out and put them into the yard. As they did so, they took an inventory:

what was damaged beyond repair,
what was unnecessary and could be discarded,
what was precious and special and should be kept,
what was worth repairing or restoring and
what was ok as is.

That's what it's like to do a personal inventory. It's not a judgment call, it's simply about what works, what doesn't, what we might want to keep, what is no longer necessary, etc. Most of my character defects are assets that I have taken to an extreme. If I can look at it, see the point at which I am moving into excess, then I can keep myself in check and keep myself balanced.

[coyote21]

I put off starting step 4 for one year, that alone points to one of my glaring character defects......procrastination! I finally started it by using the work book and have gotten to the 3rd section, that has taken 9 mts or so. Man I'm really resisting doing this work for some reason.

May be I'll do a section today, you've motivated me! Thanks!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

[nowinsituation]

Coyote - I am there too! I bought the 4th Step workbook over a year ago, and started working on it. But my "work" was pretty half-hearted. I already knew at least some of my defects, and I didn't want to have to face them and write them down in that book.

But, knowing I have tried so many different ways to deal with my pain; and I still hurt. So, I am willing to work the steps (sort of as a last resort?) to get to serenity. I have felt a small change already. Everytime I sit down with that book I say a little prayer to God that he guide me to the truth, to shine his light on what he wants me to see. Then I write it all down, and some of it is not good, and I know that I am not ready to let go of a lot of these defects. But, then I remember that being ready to get rid of my defects and asking GOD to take them away (Yeah, I don't have to do it -- God will) comes later. So, I have hope and faith that this process will actually work, because I have seen it through so many others.

[Bernadette]

The first time I went through this with a sponsor it was pretty daunting!
But i like it when recovery gets "active" - I think that's why AlAnon was good for me - because it made me DO & THINK not just sit and think and stew and stay in my old thought patterns.
I had to GO to the meetings.
I had to WORK the steps.

This just seemed like such a practical thing to do. And I think it was the first time in a long time when I suddenly had so much ME on on my mind there was no room for anyone else.

Just taking my inventory and (I also did a positive list first at the suggestion of my sponsor) taking it deeper and deeper was all-consuming. As hard as it was to face some of that stuff it really started shifting my brain from obsessing about the alcoholics in my life to focusing on myself and seeing my problems and issues as worthy of attention.

It also opened the door onto how easy it was for me to deny my problems - to use the greater catastrophe of my family as an excuse.

"Searching" for me just meant getting to the root.
"Fearless" meant: the foolishness is over - no pretense, no hiding, no leaving anything off the list, the buck stops here.

It took me several months to get through this 4th step process the first time. I did all the usual stuff - procrastinating, etc. But things really started to move fast with this step and the next. Like when I think about how AlAnon saved my life - and really seriously turned my head around - it is this time period from step 4-9 that I remember as just being a mind-blower/life changer.

When my exH and I divorced and I had to accept that I had again let my codie thinking lead me down a very unhealthy path and my mother, of all people, said to me "time to put down the magnifying glass and look in the mirror" I realized that I again had a pretty extensive inventory of my ex's defects but was out of touch with my own. My divorce confirmed for me that if I want to grow in mind and spirit I needed to be actively working these steps in my life. It isn't, for me, just a one-time event.

As much as I hate alcoholism, I wonder, if I hadn't found AlAnon would I ever have figured this tough stuff out?

I love the list of questions Cats- thank you for this...
peace-
B.

[Ago]

I have done the steps six or seven times now in a different "format" each time, each time the benefits have been enormous, and the sense of relief I get by finishing it and sharing it (step five) have been incredible.

My favorite though has been the AA based "graph" first popularized by "Joe and Charley"

Every relationship I have ever had always had a "story", with distinct reasons and a "string of circumstances" and "sequence of events" that lead them to be on my fourth step.

When I laid it out on a graph, on the far right was "my part" and it was the same for every. single. relationship. I. have. ever. had.

There I was, over and over and over and over, the same character defects leading to the same result, over and over and over.

That's when I learned to start letting "the story" go, because "the story" is just that, a story I tell myself, I tell you, or others tell me.

Step four taught me who I was, that I had been a shame based, fear based person making the same decisions and getting the same results for my whole life, it showed me where I learned that behavior, and it showed me how it manifested in my life.

It also showed me how to stop repeating those destructive patterns of behavior. each time I do it, I get more from it (more will be revealed)

So that's why today I am actively balking on my latest fourth step, it's just too damn healthy dammit!!!!

[coyote21]

Originally Posted by Ago

Step four taught me who I was, that I had been a shame based, fear based person making the same decisions and getting the same results for my whole life, it showed me where I learned that behavior, and it showed me how it manifested in my life.

I suspect that is who I am as well, I KNOW I keep choosing the same woman over and over, and I pray to God to learn all of that from my 4th step.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

[Ago]

Another benefit I have received from the Fourth step, is I finally learned where I ended and others began.

People hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that we have made a decision based on self that later placed us in a position to be hurt

has been my mantra for many many years.

Sometimes that decision was one made in childhood, sometimes it's made "in the moment" but somehow, somewhere I made a decision "based on self" that placed me in a position to be hurt.

That has never not been true.

I have ALWAYS had a part, that's why the spiritual axiom is "If you are upset, there is something wrong WITH YOU"

The fourth step showed me where those decisions took place.

The fourth step taught me to stop "being a victim" it taught me that I was responsible for everything that had ever taken place in my life, and it gave me the beginnings of the tools I would need to stop making the same mistakes over and over.

It changed who I was as a human being.

I had written all that stuff down myself, it wasn't someone else telling me this stuff, it my words in my handwriting, so I couldn't argue with it. It was the ultimate form of "Socratic Questioning" and with the graphs, the realization was profound.

That's when I realized that I was the "common denominator" in every one of my relationships, and what people meant when they said that.

@Coyote

I also dated what was apparently the "same woman" for nearly twenty years, although she looked different every few years until I did my fourth step, then as I got healthier, the people in my life got healthier, until I actually stopped "working the program" and then within a year I was in "worse shape" then I have ever been, they say that the disease of alcoholism gets stronger even while you aren't drinking, well I have to say that was resoundingly true for codependency in my case.

Now, thank God, I am at that part of the map described by the ancients as "here there be Lyons" which translated to "the undiscovered country", or someplace that was "unexplored" in my relationship, this is no repeat, and it has been incredibly fun and wonderful.

Dating a healthy person is VERY cool and a LOT of fun. Laughing by the hour is fun, walking through "our stuff" together is fun, creating and having a "safe place" to be vulnerable is so fun I can't even describe it. The level of communication and "growth" together has been nothing less then amazing.

[coyote21]

Originally Posted by Ago

Dating a healthy person is VERY cool and a LOT of fun. Laughing by the hour is fun, walking through "our stuff" together is fun, creating and having a "safe place" to be vulnerable is so fun I can't even describe it. The level of communication and "growth" together has been nothing less then amazing.

I want what you have.

Lately several female friends have expressed the interest in introducing me to their friends, they know I'm not an axe murderer, finally! Anyway, I'm scared.....I can't afford to lose myself in another relationship. I've got a very big responsibility to this little girl I'm attempting to rear.

Any way, I decided a long time ago to stay single till after the 12th step. Maybe that's why I'm dragging my feet on the 4th step!

Thanks and God bless us all, :ghug
Coyote

[TakingCharge999]

Hi Ago, what do you mean by healthy relation?? What? LOL

It is true, the closest friend I have in this city is very strong and spiritual, she told me that our friendship was also a reflection of me.... I actually see myself being way more picky about who I talk to and finally setting my expectations straight.

I will also remain single for a looooooooooooooooooooooooooong time.. so it makes two of us Coyote!! We owe it to ourselves. Good luck.

[freya]

My Step 4 experience itself has, thus far, been pretty unremarkable. I was raised in a family where doing Step 10 on a regular basis was pretty much as expected and as automatic as breathing. Of course, we didn't call it "Step 10;" we called it looking back over our day and making sure the we had acted with integrity and in accordance with our personal values. My mom, especially, always told (and modeled herself) us that, if we wanted to be prepared to be able to act with courage and integrity if we ever had a big-time, heroic opportunity, then we needed to prepare ourselves by making sure we practiced acting that way every day in all the little things and little details of our lives.

So, anyways, what this meant for me was that I always looked back over my behavior the previous day (this tends to be a morning, looking in the mirror practice for me) and asking myself did I do what I believed/ knew in my heart to be the right thing in the situations I had been in the previous day???? Probably because of this upbringing and this practice, I, always for as long as I can remember, have had a pretty highly developed and very quick-acting sense of when I do something that isn't right / that violates my core values, and when that happens, it is so uncomfortable for me that I really have no choice but to address it pretty quickly.

So, I come into program and I arrive at Step 4.....and, although I felt pretty confident about my level of self-knowledge and self-awareness, I decided to do it anyway...because, obviously, it couldn't hurt.

Then I had to try to get a sponsor, and this was really the hardest part for me, because I asked several people -- all with 15-25 years in program and all whose programs I truly admired -- if they would be my sponsor and all of them replied with some version of "You're doing so well already; why do you need a sponsor?" or. "I don't feel qualified to be your sponsor, but you can call me anytime and I'll try to help you as much as I can." And actually, although I know rationally that all of that is very complimentary and should have made me feel good, it was really pretty traumatic for me because it triggered a lot of old wounding around the issue of my always having been perceived as being "so adult" and "so intelligent" and "so advanced" for my age that it was always hard for me to get people to see or acknowledge when I needed help or support. (I'm not saying here that anyone deliberately neglected or mistreated me as a child, but just that, because of my intellectual "maturity" I have been treated as a totally self-sufficient adult from a very young age and obviously, there are some things one misses out on because of that.)

So, anyways, because I was a bit emotionally triggered by it, I was talking about it to my therapist at the time, and it came out that she, also, had recently began working another 12 Step program. It ended up that we decided to help each other do the 4th Step and that worked really, really well....although it did eventually lead to my "being graduated" from therapy because, when it was over, my therapist told me that she didn't feel it was right for me to be paying her for therapy when I was helping her more than she was helping me. So, that was a little weird -- but it all worked out because now we are very good friends.

As I expected up-front, I really didn't learn much new about myself from my 4th Step -- although I am still very glad I did it, just to be sure. But, what I have noticed happening over the ensuing 4 or so years in program -- and I don't know if this is really 4th Step stuff or 10th Step stuff -- is that, because of the ways in which working my program and doing the Steps has and continues to shift my thinking and my beliefs, ever-so-often something changes in a way that makes me look back a certain things in my life, like, from a new level and realize that there are things about those situations that I would do/approach differently now.

I mean, it's not like: "Well, oh yeah, I killed that person and that wasn't a good thing," but much more subtle like: "Well, I could have accomplished the same goal in a less hurtful way," or "Maybe I should have tried X first before jumping right to Z," or "Well yeah, the goal was fine...but it really wasn't my goal to accomplish in the first place." And actually, for me, it's very cool when those kinds of shifts happen because that's one of the signs that show me my program is working.

Also, as far as the sponsor thing goes, I do still call and rely on 3 of those people for sponsorship stuff, and they are there for me like they said they would be...but, also, these are definitely more like mutual-sponsorship relationships, and I call them, jokingly, my "not-a-sponsors."

And what I finally came to realize through all of that trying-to-find-a-sponsor trauma was that the message for me there was a very strong message from my HP that I needed to rely on Him/Her/It. See, because I never really was a child in the sense that most people are children and have childhoods (My family always jokes that I was born 30 years old with my dissertation in hand, which, for good and for bad, is pretty close to the truth!), I have always kinda had this very dangerous fantasy/wish/longing for a parent figure that I could think of as infalible, and obey 100% without risk, and rely on absolutely and totally. As an adult, obviously, that is a very dangerous and inappropriate desire, but since I didn't have that experience in my childhood, it was something I always wanted. Looking back, I realize that it is something that I would have been very tempted to have projected onto a sponsor -- which would have been a big mess for everyone involved. But, through my "failed" search for a sponsor, I was finally forced to turn to HP to try to get the wish fulfilled......and, that ended up being a miracle because, HP is, ultimately, the only One who can fulfill it.

freya

[CatsPajamas]

OK here's the 2nd part of Step 4:

WE CONTINUE BY EXAMINING OUR LIABILITIES

Now our task is to deal with the difficult issues of our lives, past and present. Nothing will be solved by hiding from the truth. Justifying and rationalizing our actions and blaming others for all the problems in our lives will never produce serenity. Remember, we are only asked to take an inventory, not to do anything about what we learn. If we trust in our Higher Power and the guidance of our sponsor, these issues will be dealt with in a loving way as we continue to work the Al-Anon program of recovery.

In what ways am I resentful? Do I harbor grudges? Why?

Whom do I resent from my past? Why? What is my part in it?

Whom do I resent in my immediate environment? Why? What is my part in it?

Do I resent authority figures? Why? What is my part in it?

When do I judge other people harshly and resent their not doing what I think they should?

Do I hold everyone and everything to an impossible standard of ideal perfection?

How do I judge myself?

Am I fearful? What do I fear? Why?

Am I dishonest? Am I holding secrets? Do I lie rather than “cause a scene”? What dishonesty have I hidden from others?

Do I feel sorry for myself? Am I filled with self-pity? How do I feel I have been made a victim? What is my part in it?

Am I a fixer? Do I like to be in charge? Do I get upset when I don’t win? What consequences have I had from taking care of others instead of myself?

In what ways do I trust myself in dealing with others? Do I go to safe places? Do I remove myself from potentially dangerous situations? Even if it’s my own home?

In what ways am I comfortable with my sexuality? Do I enjoy sex? If I am having sexual difficulties, do I know why? Have I sought professional help?

Do I have a God of love or a God of fear in my life? How can I change my attitude toward my Higher Power?

Do I take on responsibilities that are not mine? Why or why not?

Do I feel responsible for someone else’s learning, marriage, or sobriety? How?


In Step Four we have begun the journey to self-trust through self-knowledge. As we continue the journey through the Steps, we gain trust in ourselves, our Higher Power, in other people and in life. The path to recovery using the Twelve Steps – one Step at a time- continues. Before taking the next step, congratulate yourself, call your sponsor, and share at your next home group meeting the excitement and relief you feel from doing your own personal Fourth Step.

[Ann]

I am so grateful that I had a wonderful sponsor to guide me the first time I worked the steps. Step 4 was tricky for me, not the dark fearsome step that I had imagined but instead it was like a breath of fresh air to finally get to do some deep housecleaning.

As a codie, I failed to see many assets that I had but didn't recognize or use and the liability list came easily because I was very good at criticizing myself and finding faults that were instead just scars of resentments from very old wounds.

So with some gentle guidance, I began writing and didn't stop for 3 days. Whew, there was a lot of "junk" to be addressed, sorted and discarded when ready.

Funny, I just downsized and moved, and this time as I made decisions on what to keep, what to give away and what to discard, my 4th step came to mind more than once.

On both moving and my fourth, I decided that I needed to lighten my load so all I wanted to keep were the things that served me well and would prove useful to me in the future. Anything less needed to go. I kept the good memories and discarded the bad, I kept positive and uplifting possessions and let the negative, dust covered "stuff" go.

Step 4 set me free to live the rest of my life on life's terms with hope for the future instead of regrets from the past. It was the turning point for me.

Thanks Cats, your Step Threads are wonderful and I appreciate the work you have put into each one.

Big Hugs

[CatsPajamas]

This reading is from Courage to Change One Day at a Time in Al Anon II February 24

Isn’t it exasperating to go to the grocery for an item, only to find the shelf empty? Fortunately, grocers can correct that situation by taking inventory to learn which shelves need replenishment.

The same is true for me. A Fourth Step inventory illuminates my own empty spaces, my shortcomings. This doesn’t have to be a painful or scary experience. I don’t have to pass judgment on an empty shelf, but unless I take the time to become aware of it, I won’t do anything to fill it, and the problem will continue. By taking inventory, my empty spots can be filled with the help of the remaining Steps. I experience the healing power of these Steps whenever the formerly hurtful circumstances recur while the pain that I once felt does not.


Today’s Reminder

When I can’t find a solution to a problem, when I have nagging doubts, fears, or frustrations, when I feel lost or confused, a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself can make a tremendous difference. Whenever I work the Steps, I tell my Higher Power that I am willing to heal, to find a solution, to feel better. The energy that would have been dumped into worry, tears, and obsession can be turned into positive action.

“We all wish good things to happen to us, but we cannot just pray and then sit down and expect miracles to happen. We must back up our prayers with action.”

Freedom From Despair

[JenT1968]

thanks everyone,

great to have the reminder to take inventory of the positives and of the fears as well as the "less helpful" LOL aspects of my behaviour and personality.

I need to get myself a work book,

and back to alanon to find a sponsor really.

[CatsPajamas]

You know, it wasn't until I attempted Step 4 on my own that I really understood how important a sponsor is.

When I first went to Al Anon, I just sat and listened... after awhile I told a few funny stories about the latest adventures at our house.

I read the Steps that were printed and hanging on the wall, and I would have told you that I worked them:

Step One - my life is unmanageable. Check
Step Two - I already believe in God. Check
Step Three - obviously someone else needs to help me because I'm not doing well by myself. Check.

And then I attempted Step 4. Alone. I started reading the questions in the workbook and I just couldn't do it ! I was still convinced that most of our problems were because of HIM and what HE was doing, and the workbook/ guide was only asking questions about me.

I was confused and frustrated... and filled with fear. I left Al Anon and didn't go back for awhile. It wasn't until I found myself in a deeper, darker, much scarier place that I crawled back into an Al Anon meeting. At least I knew where to go! And that time I got a sponsor within the first month and I diligently worked the steps. With her help, I realized that I had not worked the first 3 steps at all! When we finally got to Step 4, I still procrastinated a while because I was so frightened, worried about learning the truth about myself.

It wasn't until I found this format - the questions in Paths to Recovery - that I was able to find a way of doing a 4th step that worked for me.

And I am so incredibly glad I did it. I know some people can do this work without an organized program and a sponsor, and I admire you tremendously. I am NOT one of those people, and I am forever grateful to my angel sponsor and to Al Anon for helping me to find a way out of the darkness and into the light.

[Ago]

Originally Posted by CatsPajamas

You know, it wasn't until I attempted Step 4 on my own that I really understood how important a sponsor is.

When I first went to Al Anon, I just sat and listened... after awhile I told a few funny stories about the latest adventures at our house.

I read the Steps that were printed and hanging on the wall, and I would have told you that I worked them:

Step One - my life is unmanageable. Check
Step Two - I already believe in God. Check
Step Three - obviously someone else needs to help me because I'm not doing well by myself. Check.

And then I attempted Step 4. Alone. I started reading the questions in the workbook and I just couldn't do it ! I was still convinced that most of our problems were because of HIM and what HE was doing, and the workbook/ guide was only asking questions about me.

I was confused and frustrated... and filled with fear. I left Al Anon and didn't go back for awhile. It wasn't until I found myself in a deeper, darker, much scarier place that I crawled back into an Al Anon meeting. At least I knew where to go! And that time I got a sponsor within the first month and I diligently worked the steps. With her help, I realized that I had not worked the first 3 steps at all! When we finally got to Step 4, I still procrastinated a while because I was so frightened, worried about learning the truth about myself.

It wasn't until I found this format - the questions in Paths to Recovery - that I was able to find a way of doing a 4th step that worked for me.

And I am so incredibly glad I did it. I know some people can do this work without an organized program and a sponsor, and I admire you tremendously. I am NOT one of those people, and I am forever grateful to my angel sponsor and to Al Anon for helping me to find a way out of the darkness and into the light.

Quoted for truth

This was so emphatically true for me I can't even begin to convey how important it was....it was like misspelling a word and seeing it so many times I thought it was the "normal" spelling...not even having any inkling whatsoever that it was "misspelled", or not having any inkling whatsoever that it was my thinking that was flawed, I was trying to fix what was broken with what was broken.

It was like me talking to me about me and the truth of the matter was that was exactly what had got me into this mess in the first place.

It's my experience we can't "see" until we can "see" and we can't "hear" until we can hear, and in my case I needed someone else with a big flashlight to illuminate my thinking.

[pjclaire]

Thanks to some much-needed brutal honesty from my counselor, a talk with my sponsor, and a couple of hours getting inspiration from everyone on this site, I spent all afternoon and evening working on the 4th step and I am feeling wonderful already! I have been molling over the things I need to change for about the past 7 months and really struggling to work through this step for the past few weeks. I answered the questions in the "Pathways" book from al-anon, but wasn't really sure where to go from there. I was intrigued by an earlier post on here about the graph of relationships showing your patterns of behavior (thanks, Ago!), so I went searching online and found some printable step 4 worksheets on an AA website. They really helped me to sort out my thoughts and put things into perspective. I also borrowed a step 4 ala-teen workbook from my counselor that had a lot of good ideas in it for reflecting on my behavior(using a book written for kids can really help simplify things, which is good for someone like me who complicates everything!).

I have sorted out my basic fears and motivations, what I do that hurts others, how I let myself be hurt by others, and the unhealthy ways I deal with hardships. I am really excited about sharing all of it with my sponsor! I feel like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders already! The 12 steps have helped me a great deal, but I have also felt very lost at times b/c I have been learning a lot about what I've been doing wrong, but not so much about what I could do instead. So I've just been in limbo. But doing the inventory helped me to pinpoint behaviors that I want to change and think of healthy new behaviors to replace them.

This website is awesome! I wish I would've checked out months ago!