Update on my situation
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Update on my situation
Hey folks--sorry for not checking back in sooner, but as I am sure you understand, I've been pretty busy these last few days trying to deal with my situation legally, practically, and emotionally.
On Friday, I got a TRO against my AH. I also called a lawyer; I have an appt. with him on Tuesday. Of course, AH is not making any of this easy for me. He has called me repeatedly still, and refused to leave our home for even an hour so I could get my things. Because of this, I went to our local police and asked for and got an escort from them so I could retrieve some things, but I wasn't able to get everything I needed out of there yet. My lawyer and the police both confirmed that legally I was able, if I wanted, to have him put out of that home, because even though when I filed the TRO I put down that I was living with my parents and just needed him out of the home when I moved back in, the TRO actually has our address down as the place he can not reside in (but then it states that he can't be staying "where the petitioner may be found", which is not at that address at the moment, so that's where the confusion on my part lay).
He still won't stop calling--he claims that the abuse was my fault because I "came at him with a knife"--what actually happened was, when I entered the home (like a dummy, because I did have an inkling I was putting myself in danger, I picked up a knife for protection. When he started threatening me, I held up the knife and said "Stay away from me". That's when the abuse happened).
Right now, I'm trying to figure out my next steps. He keeps asking me for money to pay for a lawyer he has made an appt. with--a very, very expensive "men's rights" attorney, of course, and doesn't seem to want to accept "No" as an answer. I have only been in contact with him twice since the TRO, and I am aware that every time I am, I'm in violation of the order as well--I've tried explaining this to time, and have asked him repeatedly to stop calling so I don't have to go to the next step of having him arrested, but he is making it very difficult for me to give in to my codie urges of not wanting him to have an arrest record, not wanting to make his post-divorce life more difficult than it needs to be. I guess I keep wanting to think that he'll at some point want to rebuild his life, and I'm trying to put less obstacles in his path to do so, but I'm slowly starting to realize that he may once again "force me to choose" to have more harsher consequences put on him. I know that sounds sick, considering what happened, but I am still kind of sick, I admit that. But not sick enough that I want to stay married to him for a second longer. I wish the divorce could be over and done with tomorrow. The stress of all of this is really getting to me, and the worst part is, I have to go back to my job tomorrow and lie to everyone (I called on Friday and said I couldn't come in because I was in a car accident--I just don't want all of my colleagues and my students to know I was beaten by my husband; I can't take being the center of that much gossip).
This is a long update, I know, and I still haven't gotten to all of the fears and worries I still have. I do feel better knowing I'm out of harm's way and that I have many people that care about me and are supporting me. It's still very hard though, and I'm not looking forward to all of the drama to come. I'm not quite to the hopeful place yet; I hope I will be soon.
On Friday, I got a TRO against my AH. I also called a lawyer; I have an appt. with him on Tuesday. Of course, AH is not making any of this easy for me. He has called me repeatedly still, and refused to leave our home for even an hour so I could get my things. Because of this, I went to our local police and asked for and got an escort from them so I could retrieve some things, but I wasn't able to get everything I needed out of there yet. My lawyer and the police both confirmed that legally I was able, if I wanted, to have him put out of that home, because even though when I filed the TRO I put down that I was living with my parents and just needed him out of the home when I moved back in, the TRO actually has our address down as the place he can not reside in (but then it states that he can't be staying "where the petitioner may be found", which is not at that address at the moment, so that's where the confusion on my part lay).
He still won't stop calling--he claims that the abuse was my fault because I "came at him with a knife"--what actually happened was, when I entered the home (like a dummy, because I did have an inkling I was putting myself in danger, I picked up a knife for protection. When he started threatening me, I held up the knife and said "Stay away from me". That's when the abuse happened).
Right now, I'm trying to figure out my next steps. He keeps asking me for money to pay for a lawyer he has made an appt. with--a very, very expensive "men's rights" attorney, of course, and doesn't seem to want to accept "No" as an answer. I have only been in contact with him twice since the TRO, and I am aware that every time I am, I'm in violation of the order as well--I've tried explaining this to time, and have asked him repeatedly to stop calling so I don't have to go to the next step of having him arrested, but he is making it very difficult for me to give in to my codie urges of not wanting him to have an arrest record, not wanting to make his post-divorce life more difficult than it needs to be. I guess I keep wanting to think that he'll at some point want to rebuild his life, and I'm trying to put less obstacles in his path to do so, but I'm slowly starting to realize that he may once again "force me to choose" to have more harsher consequences put on him. I know that sounds sick, considering what happened, but I am still kind of sick, I admit that. But not sick enough that I want to stay married to him for a second longer. I wish the divorce could be over and done with tomorrow. The stress of all of this is really getting to me, and the worst part is, I have to go back to my job tomorrow and lie to everyone (I called on Friday and said I couldn't come in because I was in a car accident--I just don't want all of my colleagues and my students to know I was beaten by my husband; I can't take being the center of that much gossip).
This is a long update, I know, and I still haven't gotten to all of the fears and worries I still have. I do feel better knowing I'm out of harm's way and that I have many people that care about me and are supporting me. It's still very hard though, and I'm not looking forward to all of the drama to come. I'm not quite to the hopeful place yet; I hope I will be soon.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I'm so glad you are safe for now, and that you checked in with us.
Three things:
You don't have to answer the phone, and given it is a violation of a court order, you probably shouldn't.
There is no shame in being the victim of abuse. It would be in your best interests to share with at least one or two trusted people at work so that they can keep him away from you if he decides to show up at your place of employment.
Making less obstacles for him is called enabling. The more you work to lessen the consequences of HIS actions, the more you are helping him to stay sick. I know it doesn't seem that way, but it is true.
Take care of yourself,
L
Three things:
You don't have to answer the phone, and given it is a violation of a court order, you probably shouldn't.
There is no shame in being the victim of abuse. It would be in your best interests to share with at least one or two trusted people at work so that they can keep him away from you if he decides to show up at your place of employment.
Making less obstacles for him is called enabling. The more you work to lessen the consequences of HIS actions, the more you are helping him to stay sick. I know it doesn't seem that way, but it is true.
Take care of yourself,
L
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
So sorry you are going thru this. I hope you will stop talking to him and call the law if he tries to make contact again. He needs to get the message that you are not playing games.
Keep yourself safe (((((((BIGHUGS))))))))
Keep yourself safe (((((((BIGHUGS))))))))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
he's calling you and begging for money to pay for an expensive lawyer to make you look like the bad guy and you feel guilty for protecting yourself with a knife. it is in your best interest to not speak to him again- no contact whatsoever. you have every right to be really angry about this and you need to stop taking on his guilt!!! i believe what he is doing right now is emotional manipulation and he knows how to play you and if you hear anything from him, it is not going to do you any good. your protection is that he is not allowed to be anywhere near you. wherever you are. stay away from him and do not talk to him and keep every dime you can for yourself. the longer you can do this the more you will come out of your emotional coma and finally see how absolutely insane what is going on around you actually truly is INSANE. It is in your best interest to TAKE CARE Of YOURSELF and keep him absolutely away at all times. Even if you think you have the upper hand, it is really NOT a good thing to even get near. I've been where you are. Please keep in touch here with people who know and care about you so you can get to a better place. (((mambo)))
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
They will gossip more if they don't believe you were in a car accident. You can't control gossips...lol.
Hmmmm, so you had a knife................. did you miss? lol
Don't pick up the phone when he calls, and leave a message that says," You know who you are, if I accidently pick up the phone when you call i will have to follow through with you know what. Have a nice day." WHere he can say, "
"
And below is a gift to have at some release. The gift "should" be laughter. Don't pee your pants, okay?
----------------------------
Texas Chili Contest " If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL."
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1-- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2-- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3--Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI... Judge # 1--Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2-- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge #3-- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI... Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer. CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 - No Report
Hmmmm, so you had a knife................. did you miss? lol
Don't pick up the phone when he calls, and leave a message that says," You know who you are, if I accidently pick up the phone when you call i will have to follow through with you know what. Have a nice day." WHere he can say, "
"And below is a gift to have at some release. The gift "should" be laughter. Don't pee your pants, okay?
----------------------------
Texas Chili Contest " If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL."
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1-- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2-- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3--Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI... Judge # 1--Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2-- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge #3-- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI... Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer. CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 - No Report
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: corpus christi, tx
Posts: 211
He has a law degree and can't find a job? Have you seen this degree?
Please quit taking care of this so called man, you have yourself and a small child to think of. How long before he turns on your daughter?
I'm glad that you are away from there now, but why continue to give him a free ride? Have him removed from the house that is in your name, don't answer his calls.
I hope that you took pictures of yourself this time and last time he beat you, they will help in court to prove that whatever you did was in self defense. It's painful to admit that we made a mistake when we put our hearts and love on the line.
You can't love him well and loving him is killing you.
I wish you all the best
Linda
Please quit taking care of this so called man, you have yourself and a small child to think of. How long before he turns on your daughter?
I'm glad that you are away from there now, but why continue to give him a free ride? Have him removed from the house that is in your name, don't answer his calls.
I hope that you took pictures of yourself this time and last time he beat you, they will help in court to prove that whatever you did was in self defense. It's painful to admit that we made a mistake when we put our hearts and love on the line.
You can't love him well and loving him is killing you.
I wish you all the best
Linda
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
It takes 5 minutes to get your phone number changed to an unlisted number. I did when my ex-fiance walked out and I and my youngest daughter started getting foul threatening calls from the woman he had started seeing behind my back.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I am glad you are safe for the moment.
I hope you took pictures or had pictures taken. Every time he calls, don't answer the phone, look at the pictures.
He wants money from you??? ROFLMAO Give me a break. He doesn't want an arrest record? Oh please.
You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. Do NOT violate the TRO. Have NO CONTACT with him.
If there is more that you need from the house, once again, contact police for an 'escort.' Keep officer with you at all times, it will save you from hearing his "QUACKING."
I too believe, letting co-workers and management know what has happened is not 'shameful' but a proactive action to protect you. By them knowing there is a TRO on him, there will be less chance of him contacting you at work or coming to your place of employment, without consequ4ences.
Since he has a law degree, he should have no problem getting a job, except, of course, for his addiction, and he has had you.
Now he is losing his warm cozy nest. OH well, those are the CONSEQUENCES of his actions, not yours.
Thank you for checking in. Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
I hope you took pictures or had pictures taken. Every time he calls, don't answer the phone, look at the pictures.
He wants money from you??? ROFLMAO Give me a break. He doesn't want an arrest record? Oh please.
You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. Do NOT violate the TRO. Have NO CONTACT with him.
If there is more that you need from the house, once again, contact police for an 'escort.' Keep officer with you at all times, it will save you from hearing his "QUACKING."
I too believe, letting co-workers and management know what has happened is not 'shameful' but a proactive action to protect you. By them knowing there is a TRO on him, there will be less chance of him contacting you at work or coming to your place of employment, without consequ4ences.
Since he has a law degree, he should have no problem getting a job, except, of course, for his addiction, and he has had you.
Now he is losing his warm cozy nest. OH well, those are the CONSEQUENCES of his actions, not yours.
Thank you for checking in. Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Yes, sad to say, he truly does have his law degree, but he flunked the bar the first and only time he took it and hasn't worked in law since. It's now been 12 years. I always hoped that the degree would be enough to get him in the door as a paralegal someplace, but it seems they won't hire someone with a law degree to do mere "paralegal" work--and that one I can vouch for, because I saw my STBXAH apply to probably more than 100 jobs like that. Most of his hell is of his own making, of course, and owing to his addiction, but that part of his pity party was true. Of course, having the law degree is about the worst thing that could have happened for him, because it just added to that "puffed up" feeling most alcoholics have, and it helped him believe he was truly better than what he saw as the meaningless and demeaning jobs he was offered. Now I just saw those jobs as ways for him to help out the family, even if it meant sucking it up a little, but hey, I'm not a lawyer, what do I know, right? LOL
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
In his book, "The Gift of Fear" author Gavin DeBecker explains why it's so important to have NO contact whatsoever with abusers. Do yourself a favor, pick up a copy of this book and read it today. This $20 investment is one of the best investments I've made in a long time.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
