Marigolds

My H used to have a lot of problems with alcohol. He drank himself out of college, but cleaned himself up in his mid-late twenties. The times he's drank himself sick are very few and far between now. I can only think of two times in the last 15 years. He can have two beers with dinner and stop. He does drink more on the weekend, but it's never as bad as it used to be.

He found out I starting going to Alanon and he's not happy about it. He doesn't really know what it's about, he thinks it's all about me blaming him. I told him it is to help myself, that I have a huge raft of dysfunctional family issues too. It's funny, we both share the list of ACOA traits, although my family was an "upstanding" non-drinking, churchy, family.

So, I don't think alcohol is the biggest problem in our relationship, I think it's the after affects of him growing up in an alcoholic home, me in a crazy house (still haven't figured out what kind of crazy). Is Alanon the place for me? Everyone's stories are so much worse than mine, I feel guilty sometimes.

I guess I'm babbling. I really like alanon, it has helped, but my H is deeply resentful of me going. He is scared I'm going to try to fix him, not myself.

Barbara52

If you find AlAnon helpful, by all means keep going. And let your husband deal with his own issues. Perhaps with time if he sees you improving yuor lfe, he too will be interested in change.

Freedom1990

I agree with Barbara. If it is helping you, by all means continue to go! :ghug :ghug

Tarheel

Marigolds,

How does his alcohol use impact you and your family?

TH

MeHandle

>> Is Alanon the place for me? Everyone's stories are so much worse than mine, I feel guilty sometimes. >>

Your above statement makes it obvious that this and/or al-anon is a place for you. What is there to feel guilty about even if everyones stories were worse then yours?

>>I guess I'm babbling. I really like alanon, it has helped, but my H is deeply resentful of me going. He is scared I'm going to try to fix him, not myself.[/QUOTE]>>

Your above statement makes it obvious that this and/or al-anon is a place for you. This will be a great place to be when your husband has resentful behavior towards you because of his insecurities , because he doesn't see that you understand you can only work on you, not fix him.

Keep reading this forum and the AA forum.

ToughChoices

I'm glad that you're finding help in Al-Anon - it certainly helps me!

But I'm curious as to what prompted your participation in Al-Anon if your family of origin doesn't contain a history of alcoholism and your husband has been drinking in moderation for years.

What made you reach out to a recovery group? What urged your participation in the first place? Was there a "bad spot" with your husband's drinking? Do you have an alcoholic friend or sibling?

Most people don't just get a wild hair in the middle of their beautiful, wonderful, alcohol-only-in-moderation life to seek out Al-Anon.

I guess I'm asking because I've seen SO many women minimize the impact, the problem of their partner's alcohol consumption in terms of "Well, he doesn't drink in the mornings, he hasn't missed any work, and there's always food on the table. It's not that bad." All the while their heart is dying.

Good for you for Al-Anon!

Marigolds

Last fall I found out my husband had been lying to me throughout our marriage and I was pretty devastated. I didn't know what to do, and started trying to figure out what kind of person I'm living with, and that's when I stumbled across ACOA stuff. It fits my H to a T.
So, it's not so much his alcohol use now, other than I sometimes get nervous about it when he drinks, knowing his past history. He gets upset and says that he's changed, that alcohol isn't the problem now.

Thank you all for the replies. I will keep reading!

Bernadette

from TC: I guess I'm asking because I've seen SO many women minimize the impact, the problem of their partner's alcohol consumption in terms of "Well, he doesn't drink in the mornings, he hasn't missed any work, and there's always food on the table. It's not that bad." All the while their heart is dying.


Well said. I have seen this a lot too.

I hope AlAnon continues to help you Marigold! And glad you're here on SR!
peace-
B.

JenT1968

LOL: I was talking to my therapist about how I|coped with certain things and told her "of course, he's going through a good phase at the moment but I'm trying to stop my anxiety mounting because christmas is one of the times he really ramps up his drinking and messy behaviour"

what do I mean by a good phase?
has he stopped drinking? nooo
has he stopped drinking every day? noooo
has he stopped drinking from when he gets up until he passes out at night in the weekends?
has he stopped drinking in the morning before work? nooo
has he stopped lying and hiding his drinking? noooo

but
he is "moderating" (really ssstretchingggggg the word) his drinking so that he doesn't pass out 3 x during the day, he isn't passing out on the toilet/in the bath, he is lucid and you can hold a conversation with him (although he won't always remember it and often his thoughts aren't logical): to me this is his "predictable behaviour" phase and its as good as it gets.

so yes, we can be masters of minimising.

I've learnt that the behaviour traits that Alanon concepts/sober recovery/therapy helps me with, were present way before I met H: its unlikely that I'd have got together with him for more than an afternoon if they didn't. So although he's the reason I walked through the doors, my qualifier for being there/here is me, not him.

doesn't really matter if he is or not, you find it helpful, which is excellent.

brundle

If your life is crazy Al-Anon is the place to be. I have to hide the any trace of self-help from my AH; because he doesn't have any problems, of course they are all in my head! LOL! (glad I don't believe his lies any more!!)

For that reason it would raise a red flag with me if I had a H who protesteth too much. My husband hides the truth from everyone even himself. The thought that I might be telling people his dirty little secrets drives him crazy!!! Just my two cents...

Oh by the way...

justaboutus

I wasn't sure if my stbxah was an A or not when I went to Alanon. You know what... it doesn't matter. I'm going through the same things the other alanon members are going through and that's enough for me to stay in alanon.