Step Study - Step 3

[CatsPajamas]

If you are just joining in, this is an online Step Study. Each of the 12 steps will have its own thread, so you can participate at whatever level you are comfortable.

Most of the information here comes from the books Paths To Recovery, Al-Anon’s Steps, Traditions and Concepts ©1997and How Al Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics ©1995, along with some readings from Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in Al Anon II ©1992.

Here are links to the other steps in case you want to review:

Step 1 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2061194 (Step Study - Step 1)

Step 2 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-step-2-a.html (Step Study - Step 2)


And now we look at Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.



Intro to Step Three from Paths to Recovery, Al Anon’s Steps, Traditions and Concepts. p. 28

In Step One we learned that many of our problems may have resulted from our ineffective efforts to manage our own lives; in Step Two we came to believe that a Higher Power could help restore us to sanity;. It naturally follows that the next Step would be turning to that Power for help. Some members shorten the first three Steps to, “I can’t. God can. I’ll let Him.” Obviously if our past efforts have been futile, and if we believe that a Power can help us, it makes sense to allow that power to do so.

The first phrase of Step Three, “Made a decision,” shows us that we have choices. We make this decision when we are ready. Everyone works through the Steps at their own pace, in many cases returning to earlier Steps over and over again until ready to move to the next one. No one compels us to turn over our will. We choose to do this because the way of life we created on self-will alone was neither satisfying nor serene.

What decision are we making? We are asked “to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. Few of us are able to immediately turn over everything in our lives; making the decision to do so is merely a commitment to try. To illustrate this aspect of Step Three, a member posed the following: “Three frogs sat on a lily pad. One made a decision to jump off. How many frogs are left?” The answer is three. The frog merely made the decision to jump – he hasn’t jumped yet!

[CatsPajamas]

From How Al Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics p.139



This is from Lois’s Story, where she writes about her own work on the 12 steps:

Step 3: Self sufficiency, caused by the habit of acting as mother, nurse, caretaker and breadwinner, as well as always thinking of myself on the credit side of the ledger with my alcoholic husband on the debit side, resulted in my having a smug feeling of righteousness. At the same time, illogically, I felt a failure at my life’s job of helping Bill to sobriety. All this made me blind for a long time to the fact that I needed to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. I believe smugness is the very worst sin of all. Only with great difficulty does a shaft of light pierce the armor of self-righteousness.

[CatsPajamas]

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

How do I feel about turning my life over to a Higher Power for guidance?

How do I know who or what my Higher Power is?

Am I willing to try to turn my problems over? What could help me to be willing?

How can I stop thinking, trying and considering, and actually make a decision?

Have I had a problem making decisions in my life? Give examples.

If I am unable to make this decision, what holds me back?

Do I trust my Higher Power to take care of me?

How might Step Three help me keep my hands off situations created by others?

What consequences have I had by obsessing on problems and other people?

When I “Let Go and Let God” take care of my life, am I willing to follow the guidance I receive?

How can I turn a situation over and let go of the results?

How can I stop myself from taking my will back?

What can I do when my loved ones make decisions I don’t like?

How can I let my loved ones find their own life paths as I am finding mine?

What can I do to try to see others as God sees them?

How can I express God’s will in my actions and words towards others, including the alcoholic?

[CatsPajamas]

Step 3 was so revealing for me... it's where I began to really comprehend how twisted my reality had become. The first 3 words in that step paralized me for awhile:

Made a Decision.

That's one of the things that brought me to my knees and ultimately to my own program of recovery. I couldn't make a decision if my life depended on it... and it did. I was terrified to decide. I couldn't decide what to wear, what to eat, what movie to go to. I couldn't decide anything because I was in a very toxic and volatile place where making the wrong decision had big, loud, ugly and sometimes violent consequences.

Compounding that problem was the fact that I had made my H my higher power. He was the ruler of our home and our lives. He made the rules and issued the edicts (which often changed daily, depending on the mood) and it was my job to see that they were carried out. It's not hard to see who the crazy person was in THAT household.

So, to work this step, the hardest part for me was to make a decision. I tried it, and it didn't work. My sponsor helped me to realize that I hadn't fully worked steps one and two yet. I had not yet admitted to my very core that I was powerless, and although I believed in God, I wasn't believing that a power greater than myself (and that the power was NOT my H) could restore me to sanity. I hoped it was true, but I didn't believe it yet. So, I went back to steps one and two and spent some time with them, and worked them. These steps are in an order for a reason, and I learned I had to fully work each one before I was ready to move to the next. I could peek at them, but I wasn't ready for them just yet.

After I worked on steps one and two a bit longer, I was ready. I took the action of getting on my knees and saying the AA Big Book Step Three prayer:

"God, I offer myself to Thee --
to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve
me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear
witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and
Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"

[CatsPajamas]

Other 3rd step prayers:

N.A. 3rd Step Prayer

Take my will & my life,
Guide me in my recovery,
Show me how to live.


Jewish 3rd Step Prayer

Grant me inner peace..., Let my body be completely subordinate to my soul & have no other will or desire but to follow the desire of the holy soul, which is to do Your will.
Let peace reign between my soul & my body. Let my body be sanctified & purified until it becomes united with the holy soul & I carry out all Your commandments & do everything You want of me, body & soul, willingly & with great joy.

Let my body & soul unite in love & peace to do Your will sincerely, until I attain complete inner harmony & am ready to order my prayer before You perfectly. Let my prayer rise before You like the incense & perfect sacrifices offered by those who are whole & perfect.

From the Fiftieth Gate (Reb Nosson's prayers based on the teachings of Reb Nachman of Breslov)

[Ago]

The first time I did step three I didn't believe in "god" (note signature) and still don't have a "deity" but I now have a "God" that's personal to me. Personally I don't believe in an "otherness" but the nice thing about how the steps were set up is I could choose my own concept of "God" it didn't have to be anybodies else's version of God.

Whenever something went really well, or I had some triumph, I would pat myself on the back, taking full credit, but when things went terribly terribly wrong (through no fault of my own I might add) I would rail out to the "Heavens" how could you do this to me? and much like Hunter S Thompson's attorney in Fear and loathing when he opens up the container of Cocaine in the convertible and it all goes flying away he screams "Did you see what God just did to us???

That was my God, one of retribution, cancer, wars, bad luck and bad Karma, one of car crashes, tragedies, religious wars...just everything bad.

It made me realize that on some level I did believe in God, I just felt he hated me and the rest of mankind, that we were some cosmic practical joke, and "God" delighted in torturing us.

Three things were then explained to me:

I got to choose my own concept of God.

If three frogs were sitting on a lily pad, and one made a decision to jump off, there were still three frogs sitting on a lily pad.

You do step three by working four through nine. That's how you "make a decision" to turn your will and your life over to the care of God as I understand God.

My "higher power" at that point was electricity, as explained I explained in Step II, and electricity worked as a beginning, since every living creature has electricity in it, and even our brains work with a form of electricity, as do our hearts, there was "God" in everyone, and "God" was found inside us, which is what every spiritual path eventually points to, that the "great reality" is to be found inside us.

So, I did the prayer, changing the wording to suit me, and by working steps 4 through nine "did" step three.

It's just a decision.

Now step three is the foundation of my serenity. I do it daily, and when I don't, I get bent.

To me, step three is best summed up as:

acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

Shakespeare said, "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players." He forgot to mention that I was the chief critic. I was always able to see the flaw in every person, every situation. And I was always glad to point it out, because I knw you wanted perfection, just as I did.

we are all children of God and we each have a right to be here. When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God's handiwork. I am saying that I know better then God.

For years I was sure the worst thing that could happen to a nice guy like me would be that I would turn out to be an alcoholic. Today I find it's the best thing that has ever happened to me. This proves I don't know what's good for me. And if I don't know what's good for me, then I don't know what's good or bad for you or for anyone. So I'm better off if I don't give advice, don't figure I know what's best, and just accept life on life's terms, as it is today--especially my own life, as it actually is.Before A.A. I judged myself by my intentions, while the world was judging me by my actions.

So step three went from a "decision" to about the most important tool in my box

The super bizarre thing is, when I "do" step three, and four through nine, life gets surreal, it's like planets align and crazy strings of coincidences start taking place that I have no explanation for.

I now call the steps "A radio for talking to God"

(see the geeky pattern beginning to emerge? a kid who believes in "The Force" who has a "radio for talking to God")

It actually works though, don't ask me how...I don't really care how actually, I'm cool with not trying to analyze it.

[MissFixit]

I am new to this, but I don't know how to turn my will over to God. I have to make decsions everyday in life. Are those decisions supposed to be from God???

I believe in a higher power, but I am not sure what it is.

[freya]

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Personally, I really like Melodie Beattie's caveat to the "God, as we understood him" part: "God as I understand -- or rather don't understand -- Him." Because that's one the most important things for me to always remember: I cannot understand HP, or knows His/Her/Its mind, or His/Her/Its ultimate plan.....and, in fact, I am really lucky and doing very well indeed when I manage to stay well enough connected to HP to be able to discern and to do my own little, tiny, "next right part" in conjunction with The Plan.

And, the first step in being able to discern and to do that, of course, is to turn my will and my life over to HP.

Now, I know there are some people who work Step 3 as a one-time deal. In fact, one of my favorite AA circuit speakers says that he has his sponsees do it once, in front of him and any other witness of their choosing, and then the only time they need to revisit it again is if they change their mind. And I actually think that, for me, it would have been better if I had looked at it that way -- at least at first -- because I kinda got ahead of myself with this step and didn't adequately separate the "decision" (which is all that this step is truly about) from the implementation of that decision -- which, as I see it now, is what all the rest of the steps are about. In other words, as I see it now, Steps 4-12 are basically "detailed instructions" on how to implement my Step 3 decision.

...and now that I know that, I actually do appreciate the idea of "taking the third step" each and every day, because it helps keep me focused on my ultimate goal in working this program: to be connected to and in-sync with HP and to be doing my part in fulfilling HP's Plan. And also, I've definitely been at the point for quite awhile now where I know as soon as I notice I'm feeling those feelings of "trappedness," "obsession," "panic," or that revved up desire to rush in and be the hero(ine) that what I really need to do is step back and remember my Step 3 decision and take time to connect and get back on track.

I actually have this Joel Osteen (and, no, I'm not a fan or a follower of his) quotation on my desk at work that says something like "Whenever you have a thought that brings doubt, fear, confusion, disbelief, or worry, that thought is from the Enemy. You must deal with it immediately." Well, I don't believe in "The Enemy" in the sense that Joel does, I'm sure, but I know for 100% certain that those kind of thoughts are my enemy and that, when I have them, I am out of sync with HP and The Plan because I am focusing on and trying to manifest my will rather than HP's will.

So, in some sense Step 3 is both the simplest and the hardest for me. It's simple because all I have to do is make the decision. And, if I believe in a HP and accept Step 2, then making that decision is, for me, a total no-brainer. I mean, not doing so would be the equivalent of saying: "Well, sure, I believe in God and, of course, God could help me out here big-time, but I think I'll just ignore that fact and see how much more miserable I can get."

And it's the hardest because implementing the decision is (as far as I can tell at this point) life-long work and because I am so habitually inclined to forget my decision and go back to trying to run my life according to my will -- although, like I said, it takes me less and less time and less and less pain to recognize that and deal with it the more I practice and work at this program.

freya

P.S. My (daily) Step 3 prayer: God, thank You for the awesome gift of this day. Please help me, at each and every moment in it, to be connected to You and to Your will for me, so that I may do the next right thing and be of service to You, to others, and to myself.

[escape artist]

this is a strange and very personal testament as to why it was not hard to turn my will over to my Higher Power. when i was 13 i was very sensitive to my bra size or lack of (i was so flat chested i was concave). and one night in bed while i was talking to God, i was very upset and angry over this issue. I made the challenge to God-if there is such a God make me a woman tonite!!! (thinking yeah right, like i am going to grow boobs overnite) so there! I was mad. The funny thing is the next DAY was my first mense. It took my sister to explain to me what it was. Boy was I meek and amazed. So, from then on I was pretty darn sure i was not alone in this big wide world, and I was part of something much much bigger than what i could fathom.

I have been able to let my will be held in abeyance and other times i know i have consciously said, ok God, I can take over from here....just today i have thought about how much of what is going on in my life right now just seems So Hard. So push and pull and tug..and why is this being SO difficult? and thought maybe i need to hand the reigns back over to my Higher Power, and how things have unfolded (of course they always do) in much greater ways and with much greater ease...leads me back to my sanity and serenity.

[Learning how]

[QUOTE=CatsPajamas;2069991] I couldn't decide what to wear, what to eat, what movie to go to. I couldn't decide anything because I was in a very toxic and volatile place where making the wrong decision had big, loud, ugly and sometimes violent consequences.

Compounding that problem was the fact that I had made my H my higher power. He was the ruler of our home and our lives. He made the rules and issued the edicts (which often changed daily, depending on the mood) and it was my job to see that they were carried out. It's not hard to see who the crazy person was in THAT household.

Were we living the same life?
Sometimes I still have trouble turning things over but I am much better. I still wish I had some control over the out come.
Thanks for this I think I will read from my step book in the bath tub tonight.
AH has been trying to read over my shoulder, makes me nervous.

[JenT1968]

and here it is that I stall....
completely still, blocked from going forward at all. I have no concept, no trust, no sense of any HP with any ability to intervene in anything, no plan, no things being what they should be.

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him."

I can make a decision to let go, but it really is letting go into the void, not into anything's "care". I don't blame fate, or god, or others, or co-incidence or anything when things go wrong. I blame me. I don't think I am god: I really don't believe there is one/many/at all, in any way. I am thoroughly, to my VERY CORE, an atheist.

I have seen it suggested that people "act as if", which makes no sense, would a committed christain/muslim/hindu etc ever be able to truly "act as if" there were no god/s/hp?

It isn't that I can't see how useful it would be if I did believe, I can: how very comforting that would be, to know that there was a plan, that everything was as it was supposed to be. but I'm afraid I just don't.

If there is a creator, it would seem that they have created me without the ability to believe in them......

If I said I had made this decision it would be a lie. And this is where I always get stuck, any thoughts??

[JenT1968]

unless, for now, I can simply make a decision to go through with the rest of the steps and see if that takes me forward at all. can't take me backwards I guess, and better than being stuck in the same place.

well there you go then, perhaps not the most spiritually thorough working of step three, but I have made a decision work through the rest of this spiritual path and see where it takes me.

[GiveLove]

If I said I had made this decision it would be a lie. And this is where I always get stuck, any thoughts??

I don't believe in an old man with a flowing beard sitting in a chair directing all our spiritual traffic, while harps play and angels flap past on white wings.

I DO believe and have always believed in the strange and awe-inspiring power of natural law, and in the current of energy and even poetry that flows through all living and non-living things. There is even a growing scientific basis for this, I note with interest. But even if there weren't, I can feel it even when I can't feel a Higher Power moving the chess pieces in the sky.

So when I make MY decision to let go, I let it go to this force. There are rhythms and energies and natural balances that govern what will happen to me today and tomorrow and the day after that, whether or not I'm letting my mind freak out over what one or more (of six billion) homo sapiens units is doing or not doing "to" me.

Mike Dooley has a great quote that says "Both having money and not having money make fantastic adventures possible that would not otherwise be possible." imho, the same is true for our obsessions about alcoholics. There are learnings and adventures that will only take place if "bad" things come of my A's actions; there are other learnings and adventures that will only come of "good" things....what I sit here and let rattle around my head doesn't really matter in the big scheme of things.

I make a decision daily to let it go, because NOT letting it go does no good whatsoever; it only gnaws at me and cripples me. Sending it up into the care of someone or something else releases me. I've taught myself to trust that I'll have the right proportions of strength and serenity to handle whatever comes....but only if I free myself by getting it out of ME and into some other container.

That's just me though, ceridwen. Not sure if any of that helps.

[bookwyrm]

Don't know how useful you'll find this but the secular 12 step workbook (12 steps workbook) has this wording instead:

'I shift my focus from being fixated on my problems, to seeking a sense of wholeness and contentment in my life.'

For me, this is about letting go the things I cannot change rather than letting go to something/someone. About stopping the old codie behaviours, stop repeating the same actions while hoping for a different result. About letting things be and of being aware that I can react to things in different ways than I usually do. All core actions to recovering from my codie behaviours. I find there is a great sense of release and relief in not trying to change everything and everyone around me! I don't hand things over to an HP. I just() have to recognise that some things are beyond my control. Easier said than done I know!

Core to this, for me, is the godless version of the serenity prayer:
I seek the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


Does this help you move forward?

[justaboutus]

I read or heard somewhere that your HP can be anything, it doesn't have to be a deity. It's basically saying "I'm not doing such a great job here by myself and I need someone/something to help me". This help can be an alanon group, a therapist, friends and family, etc. Anyone any group greater than yourself that can offer advice or clarity. By the time we get here, we're pretty screwed up and our decision making isn't at it's best and we need guidance. For me, step three is about letting go and accepting guidance to achieve serenity.

[CatsPajamas]

This is a reading from Courage to Change ODAT in Al-Anon II June 5

The Third Step talks about placing my will and my life in the care of a Higher Power. For me, this Power is a presence that loves me as I am, that accepts me with compassion on the bad days as well as the good. Once I have accepted that the destructive presence of another’s alcoholism has affected my life, I need the benevolent influence of a Power untouched by this disease. What I do in turning over my will and my life is to become receptive to guidance; I become willing to accept the care of a Power greater than myself.

I think of this care as a source of love and support that surrounds me in my daily life. I do not need to earn it or to work for it; I need only be receptive to it. I continue to have a will to exercise and life to live, but I do so bathed in a light of love and understanding.

Today’s Reminder

When I open my heart to a Power that fills me with love and acceptance, I can begin to extend those qualities to others. I may not do it perfectly or even consistently, but I can recognize my progress one day at time.

“God’s gifts put man’s best dreams to shame.”

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

[cagefree]

Originally Posted by *Ceridwen

I can make a decision to let go, but it really is letting go into the void, not into anything's "care". I don't blame fate, or god, or others, or co-incidence or anything when things go wrong. I blame me. I don't think I am god: I really don't believe there is one/many/at all, in any way. I am thoroughly, to my VERY CORE, an atheist.

I can relate - I use "the universe" as my higher power. The universe is pretty much a void - if you want to get technical, it's really a flat plane where we are all one, all connected at the planck scale - but I don't feel like getting technical right now.

I don't feel the universe controls me and I can control it about as much as a cloud. But, I do feel that deep down inside I know what I want and need - even if I am not consciously aware and the universe is like a mirror that reflects my deepest desires and goodness in things that come my way...so - when I trust to let go into "the universe" I am also trusting myself. Because "the universe" is reflecting a part of me, I feel that ultimately, what is in the reflection is always for the best - almost like it wants me to succeed.

Last year I lost my dog to old age and sickness - another one came into my life who was wary of men and trusted no one. Funny - I'm working on those same issues and her recovery is so similar to mine...the universe showed me that.

If I wait long enough, the universe will show me.

[Learning how]

[QUOTE=GiveLove;2071218]I DO believe and have always believed in the strange and awe-inspiring power of natural law, and in the current of energy and even poetry that flows through all living and non-living things.

After reading and thinking about the 3rd step last night, I am back today with some thoughts. I am thankful that I have a higher power today. I have always known that there is a God. I accepted that but because he is there in the things I see around me as GL says above. I just didn't think he was personally interested in me. Except to maybe keep score of my short comings.
Now I have a God I can turn things over too. As I said yesterday I still at times wish I had some input as to the out come of the things I turn over but I am leaning that when I start doing that I am not working the step. When I turn things over to my higher power I find I am calmer.
For me this is a step that I will forever have to revisit, because I tend to want to keep everything around me calm. My attempts to keep the peace have cost me my inner peace. I have found that I like my inner peace much more than the "peace at all costs" I had before.

[TakingCharge999]

To me the HP is the best version of myself, the loving voice that sometimes takes place if I allow it.... the one who is by my side and soothes me when I feel lonely, the voice that is wise, my gut feeling, the silence when I walk alone, my heartbeat, the pulsation of someone else's heartbeat when I hug him... music and stars and rain and the forests and a wonderful sunrise full of neon colours with the promise of a new beginning. All cliched but anything that gives me comfort in this many times hostile place, is welcome.

It is also a presence that makes itself more obvious when anything is done with love. Hugging a friend and diving into someone's eyes and cooking a delicious pasta just for you and good memories and appreciation for your work and art. Making love to a man. Its difficult for me not to see something Higher than myself in those moments. I agree this step is very personal (still in Step 1, hope you don't mind me peeking)

[JenT1968]

uggh, just wrote a reply and lost it.

in short LOL
1) thanks everyone,
2) I am making a decision to focus on the letting go rather than who is going to catch
3) I used to write things on paper and float them off on a river (as a dramatic teen LOL) when I was overwhelmed, perhaps I'll try similar again.

as far as CP's ODAT reminder

When I open my heart to a Power that fills me with love and acceptance, I can begin to extend those qualities to others. I may not do it perfectly or even consistently, but I can recognize my progress one day at time.

.

I do basically believe that all people have equal value and are worthy of love (although sometimes I can best "love" people by never interacting with them ever again LOL!) . I struggle with accepting people AS THEY ARE rather than seeing their "potential".

I think someone on here had something about snowflakes in their tag-line that I liked I'll try and dig it out.

[JenT1968]

Originally Posted by Learning how

As I said yesterday I still at times wish I had some input as to the out come of the things I turn over but I am leaning that when I start doing that I am not working the step. When I turn things over to my higher power I find I am calmer.
For me this is a step that I will forever have to revisit, because I tend to want to keep everything around me calm. My attempts to keep the peace have cost me my inner peace. I have found that I like my inner peace much more than the "peace at all costs" I had before.

yes, I have to remember that I have to let go not only of the worrying/trying to find a solution before/during an outcome, but also not second guessing and "what-if" ing afterwards as well. To completely let go of the outcome.

peace at all costs... hmm recognise that one too, thank you