Step Study - Step 2

[CatsPajamas]

If you are just joining in, this is an online Step Study. Each of the 12 steps will have its own thread, so you can participate at whatever level you are comfortable.

Most of the information here comes from the books Paths To Recovery, Al-Anon’s Steps, Traditions and Concepts ©1997and How Al Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics ©1995, along with some readings from Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in Al Anon II ©1992.

Here is a link to Step 1 in case you want to review:

Step 1 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2061194 (Step Study - Step 1)

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Step Two: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

The basic spiritual principle introduced in Step Two suggests that there is a Power greater than we are that provides hope for sanity, whether we are living with active alcoholism or not. Step Two reaffirms that we may be powerless, but we are NOT helpless, and we are not alone. For many of us, the introduction of a Power greater than ourselves is difficult to understand. Some initially believe we are speaking of a religious entity. We are not. We are speaking of a loving, caring, nurturing Power that provides us with guidance in dealing with the effects of the disease of alcoholism.

…. Acceptance of Step Two is paramount to working the rest of the Al Anon steps. Tripping over Step Two and skipping to other Steps indicates a lack of acceptance of Step One. Many members have difficulty beginning to work this Step for their personal recovery……. The wisdom of members who have worked these steps before us is essential to understanding fully the spiritual answers and guidance we are about to experience. Trusting our group and trusting a sponsor are only stepping stones to accepting a Power greater than ourselves.

… Some of us reject religion of any kind and call ourselves either agnostics or atheists. It is important to hear that, whether we practice a particular religion or not, all of us are welcome in Al-Anon. Yet, when we approach Step Two, we may suspect that a group ideology will be revealed, and we will be forced to conform or leave. Instead the group’s members turn us toward defining our own idea of a Higher Power and we come to believe that such a Power could exist and might help us.

In beginning to understand Step Two, we learn that we have choices…. If we struggle with the concept of a Higher Power in any way, we can begin by acting “as if”. By reflecting on more serene or peaceful times in our lives, we begin to appreciate today. The slogan “One Day at a Time” takes on a new meaning as we commit ourselves to reading a page each day in our (daily readers).

… Sanity can be defined in many ways. Many share that they no longer purchase alcohol for the alcoholic. Other speaks of removing themselves from tumultuous situations. Some share of defusing arguments by merely stating, “You might be right.” Taking a bubble bath or going skiing for a day can offer new perspectives on the situation. Gradually and gratefully we develop a faith in a Higher Power. We begin to recognize that the old behavior, if it returns, doesn’t have to return for the same duration.

~~ From Paths to Recovery. Al Anon’s Steps, Traditions and Concepts. 1997 pp 18-21.

[CatsPajamas]

The alcoholic cannot heal our wounds; neither can our will-power, quick wittedness, or perseverance. Turning to these sources again and again is no more useful – or sane – than going to a car lot to buy groceries. Having continually failed to resolve our difficulties ourselves, most of us finally realize we must look for help in a more promising place. What we seek is something greater, beyond our own abilities, a source of help, comfort, guidance, and strength unrestricted by our human limitations. Our need for such assistance has become obvious, but so many of our needs have gone unsatisfied in the past that we hardly dare to hope that we might find the help we need. In the process of taking Step Two, we open our hearts and minds to the possibility that such a power could actually exist in our lives.

From How Al Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics p 47.

[CatsPajamas]

Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Here are some discussion items for Step 2:

What is my concept of a Higher Power at this time?

What would it take to allow my concept of my Higher Power to change?

Have past experiences affected my concept of a Higher Power? If so, how?

What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a Power greater than myself?

Do I sense spiritual guidance in my life? How?

How do I describe the Higher Power I found in Al-Anon?

What does “Let Go and Let God” mean to me?

What does faith mean to me?

With whom and in what circumstances am I comfortable discussing my spiritual experiences?

What might I gain from believing I could be supported and loved by a Power greater than myself?

What does “came to believe” mean to me?

What does sanity mean to me?

How has the alcoholic situation affected my sanity? My life?

Have I allowed the alcoholic situation to become my Higher Power? How?

How has my thinking become distorted trying to handle the alcoholic behavior?

How have I turned to a Power greater than myself in times of great need? Did I call another Al-Anon member? My sponsor? Did I read Al Anon Conference Approved Literature (CAL)? Did I go to a meeting? If not, why not?

In working this Step, can I describe a Step Two experience to my sponsor or my group? In a written sharing?

When have I done the same things over and over, yet expected different results?

[CatsPajamas]

This is from Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in Al Anon II January 17:

Anyone who watched my interactions with the alcoholics in my life probably would have considered me the crazy one. I was the one who searched from bar to bar, made scenes in public places, and got hysterical over little things. I was also the one who agonized over the alcoholic’s behavior, lied, made apologies and excuses, and resented everything I was doing. Was this sane?

Al-Anon was the first place where I ever thought to question my own sanity. I found that I couldn’t overcome the effects of this disease by force of will or reason. As they say, my best thinking got me here. But Al-Anon’s Second Step suggested that a Higher Power could restore me to sanity.

I knew that I felt more rational in an Al-Anon meeting than I did at any other time, and so I turned for help to the Power that seemed to flow through those meetings. From time to time I still have my irrational moments, but I no longer blame my erratic behavior on anyone else. i now know exactly where to turn when I am ready to find sanity once more.


Today’s Reminder

Today I will focus on my own behavior. If it could stand some improvement, I will ask a Power greater than myself for help.

“If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed.”

Ancient Chinese proverb

[bookwyrm]

As a committed atheist, this is one of the hardest steps for me.

Acting as if works for a bit, but is still pretty uncomfortable. So I Googled a little and found the proactive 12 steps workbook today and it has helped my understanding of the steps enormously! It is downloaded from here: 12 steps workbook and step 2 is reworded to:
I'm willing to let go of my usual ways, in the hope that this will help me see things from a broader perspective.
I'd be interested to hear from those who are experienced in working the 12 steps who have looked at this workbook. I'd like to know how close to the 'true meaning' of the steps this is.

[CatsPajamas]

I have heard others share that they break Step 2 into pieces. One version is first I came, then I came to, and then I came to believe.

I will be back later to share more on Step 2, which is one of my favorites. When I was new to recovery and still in a bit of a fog, I had one of those "aha" moments. I had a moment when I realized that I had made HIM - my exh - my higher power. I looked to him for everything. At that low moment in my life, in the midst of our toxic relationship, I don't think I made a single decision without his input.

Reading the words of this step gave me a jolt. I knew there was a God, but I didn't think I deserved Him or His love at that time since I was living such a horrid life. I had made my AH my Higher Power. There was a defining moment when I envisioned myself taking him out of that position and giving it back to God, the one whom I chose once again to be my Higher Power.

[Bernadette]

This was the step where I just had to drop my pretense of thinking I knew better and FOLLOW directions!!

I came to realize that my belief in religion/God was irrelevant to this step.

I do believe in a power greater than myself-and I realized on some level that I always did - even as a kid - if it was just the magic of the wind and stars or the power of the tides repeating over and over pulled by the moon....I mean- THAT is way bigger than I am!!! I think of my HP as mother nature or a benign universe that has certain energy flowing in specific ways...

That works for me! I was in so much pain the first time I worked the steps I just had to get over any reluctance I had to following the program-- in other words - it just didn't matter - any argument I came up with was just another excuse for me to not do the work and not MOVE on with my recovery.

The point for me is not to miss the point - to surrender myself to things that I cannot control and trust that all is at is should be even if it is not how I think it should be, and by handing things that don't belong to me back to the universe I am restored to peace and sanity.

B.

[GiveLove]

I too had a difficult time with this step at first, as I don't share the same vision of a God/creator/higher power that the other people in my group seemed to. I felt excluded at first, as if I had no right to the help & support of Al-Anon, because I was "different."

But I came to realize for myself that, like Bernadette says, it really is irrelevant. I do believe there are powerful forces greater than ourselves at work in the world, and trusting in the basic goodness or rightness this natural order of things helped me (a quasi-buddhist) to really embrace this step and trust in it. The printed words themselves were just a guide - a road map - not gospel.

Step two is the step that has the greatest potential to bring tears to my eyes, for some reason.

[ToughChoices]

Step 2 tripped me up more than anything else. It kept me out of Al-Anon, and bugged the snot out of me!

I was raised in a very conservative evangelical Christian sect, but I left the church at 19. I have moved between atheism and agnosticism throughout my adult life. For me, working Step 2, believing in a higher power, meant working through (in therapy) many of my "god" issues from childhood and, at last, coming to terms with a HP "of my own understanding."

The "black and white" part of my thinking that remains from my formative religious experience just balked at the notion of creating a HP. It said: God either is or isn't. You can pick which side of the fence you want to sit on, but you can't remove the fence, draw a cloud with a big happy face on it, and call it HP.

Then, one day, I realized that I never really cared for that black and white thinking. I didn't want to be bound by it. My lack of faith was keeping me from making progress. It was impeding my participation in a recovery group and robbing me of hope.

I decided that my thinking needed to evolve.

Today I truly believe that I am loved, treasured, and, at core, good. I believe that we all are - that this is what unites humanity, this thread of love and Being. My HP is a life force, a mystery, at home within and outside of me.

It is not a cloud with a happy face.

Agree or disagree, but, my sanity has been restored.

-TC

[bookwyrm]

Originally Posted by Bernadette

..and FOLLOW directions!!

See, I have trouble doing what I'm told sometimes!

But taking this step as a guide rather than a literal interpretation was about the only way I could come to terms with it. I still stumble at times but the idea of standing back and just letting go has been one of the most liberating!

[CatsPajamas]

I found a lot of comfort in the fact that I didn't HAVE to call my Higher Power "God" but I could if I wanted to. My divorce from my 2nd husband involved a lot of pressure from organized religion and HIS god that turned me away from church for the past 8 years now.

If we focus on the wording of Step Two, all we are asked to do is believe that a "power greater than ourselves" could restore us to sanity. There was a time when I used my Al Anon Group as that power greater than myself. I didn't know much, but I dang sure knew I wanted what THEY had.

In studying Step Two, I realized the difference between a religious program and a spiritual one. This is a spiritual program. Each of us gets to define his or her own higher power. And as far as I can tell, they all coexist just fine.

[Barbara52]

For me the essense of step 2 is to have hope, belief and eventually gut level knowledge (regardless of what the source of that hope), that my life can improve from what it is now.

For me it involves faith in a God who wants the best possible life for me. But for those who do not share in a belief in a God, I see no difficulties in holding onto the hope and belief that life can and will be better through working on oneself and honest self examination. I belief God helps me and guides me. But I can also say that I get help from many other sources and guidance from many other sources. Now, I beleive God works through those other sources but that is not a necessary belief to progress in my personal growth.

[Barbara52]

Originally Posted by CatsPajamas

In studying Step Two, I realized the difference between a religious program and a spiritual one. This is a spiritual program. Each of us gets to define his or her own higher power. And as far as I can tell, they all coexist just fine.

I've said before one's higher power can be anything.

[Jody Hepler]

I was the crazy person described in the reading from Courage to Change. My two addict teenaged sons were sober for nine months - going to at least a meeting a day, had sponsors and calling them daily, doing service work, involved in daily aftercare and random drug screens and just very happy. No more lying in our home, cheerful choredoers, loving and hugs, enjoyed being home with their Mother, no screaming or swearing or slamming doors, kind of better behavior than normal teenaged boys.

I, on the other hand, was now sneaking around checking out the parking lots to make sure they went to meetings, was obssessed with "how they looked" (happy!), kissed them with the "sniffing kiss" to see if they had been smoking cigarettes, wrapped myself up in the living room curtains peering out to see who was in the car with them (same behavior as when they were using), and other co-dependent, absurd unrecovering alanonish behavior! An urban legend according to me - Alanonsand family members lag nine months behind the addict in recovery. Took me that long to just get totally sick of myself - frustrated beyond belief - and ready for the loony bin.

I had a sponsor, went to a meeting a day, made the coffee, called others and had lots of book knowledge - and I was start raving bonkers. I am a perfect example of just because you sit in a garage doesn't make you a car - and just because you go to Alanon meetings, read the literature, doesn't make you recovering. Finally I called my sponsor, admitted what I was doing, had a good cry and got on with some action - working the steps.

They were addicted to their substances, I was addicted to them. They got clean and better - I didn't.

Thus, insanity was very simple for me. My sponsor had me make a list of all the crazy stuff I did while they were using - to keep them from using. And then make another list with the goofy stuff I was still doing.

Sooooooo, a power greater than myself - was anything or anybody. I didn't really get into whether or not it was a religious God or nature or the wind or loving thoughts or the Alanon program or my sponsor or my recovering friends. I just knew that my best thinking had me ready for the nut ward. No one asked me what the power greater than myself was - my sponsor just said did I think someone or something else could do a better job running my life - I said yes - and that was step 2.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

[marle]

I have never been a church goer but I have always believed in God and in Guardian Angels that come to Earth to protect us. I have never lost sight of God but I did lose faith when I prayed daily for my daughter to be healed and she kept sinking deeper and deeper in her addiction. It was not until I accepted that events happens in God's time and not mine that I was able to have faith again. Hugs, Marle

[SerenityGirl]

I have always had a believe in a higher power, always felt there was someone looking out for me. I have grown to depend on my higher power to get me through each day. He is slowly restoring me to sanity...

[Ago]

Originally Posted by bookwyrm

As a committed atheist, this is one of the hardest steps for me.

For me it was one of the easiest and I'm Atheist/Agnostic, but now have a "God" that's "personal" to me, but that came much later.

I see a lot of people "over analyze" this step, it was broken down into bite sized pieces for me

Came (came to meetings)

Came to (started growing my brains back)

Came to believe (that these meetings could help me)

That a Power greater then myself (having been a medic for a number of years, I have "shocked" a lot of people back to life, every single heart has electrical activity, every single brain has electrical activity, when this electrical activity stops, you are dead...Then my sponsor said to me "If you want instant access to a power greater then yourself, stick your tongue in that electrical outlet. Electricity is a power greater then myself, and everyone has a little bit inside them...little bits of God I came to think later, anyhow all I needed was a power greater then myself, electricity fit the bill nicely.

Could restore me to Sanity (was I insane? oh yeah, was my life insane? oh yeah, were these people in sane? oh yeah, was I insane as a result of trying to make sense of insane people...no problem)

Came to believe that these meetings (group of people greater in power then me) could restore me to sanity.

Viola'

No God

Super simple.

(God as I understood him in step 3 was electricity..."the force" as it were)

[Hangin' In]

I am a Christian and have always believed in God, a power greater than myself. I had pretty much been living a life relying on myself, though, and my ability to handle things. My faith had not been tested that much, and my belief system wasn't really put to the test until I had to deal with the addiction in our family.

When I hit my bottom, I was desperate for something, someone, anything to make it better. I HAD to have something more powerful than I was if I was going to make it because, you see, I had done everything I knew to do. I needed help. I could not do this thing by myself. So I went to meetings and I heard Step Two, "Came to believe." I thought "GREAT!!" because I knew I already believed. Now there was just the slight problem of incorporating that belief into my everyday life, the many days where I was so scared about what might happen to my daughter. And if something happened to her, what might happen to me. I was so fearful for both of us.

So I continued my meetings. I listened, I learned, I got a sponsor, I had/have an Al Anon phone list, and I heard Step Two (just like all the other steps) read at every meeting. The more I heard it, the more I let it sink into my mind, and as I let it sink in, my Higher Power (God) began to show me in so many ways that He is in charge. As I worked the program, my belief/faith grew stronger and it continues to strengthen each day.

Restoring me to sanity is just one of the many, many benefits of working the Al Anon program. I'm just glad God put the "restoring me to sanity" part at the beginning of the steps. I like being sane .... ok, somewhat sane.... , and sane sure helps me work the other steps.

[JenT1968]

I am going to try to work at his and step three because they seem to be wrapped in a bundle for me, although I know I haven't fully "got" step 1, if I stay there staring at it I may never move on, so I'm going to say its "good enough for right now" and have a look at step 2.

wow, I do like to challenge, and kick and resist and debate and understand and......

again with the words.......I'm an atheist, fleetingly sometimes an agnostic.
I have at many periods in my life begged and tried to beleive in many higher powers: a christian god, notions of wiccan goddesses, the collective consiousness of man-kind, .... it isn't that I can't accept any of it intellectually, but in the very core of my being, to say I beleived any of this would be a lie... I have a HUGE problem believing that anything is how it is "supposed to be": at this point I just can't seem to do it, however much I try and will myself to do it. I believe things are just what they are. no plan, no intervention.

I beleive in a benign universe, just being what it is, rolling along, without intent or design.
it makes no sense to me that a benign universe can restore me to sanity, but the very thought of how insignificant I am in terms of the size and age of the universe can quiet my spinning and brings me peace.

I believe that I am less than completely sane all of the time (and have doctors and therapists who agree with me!)

I believe that my learned behaviours aren't helping me in the situation that I've put myself in, and I need to be shown new ones, because I have exhausted my repetoire.

I believe that the collective wisdom of those who have followed this path before in their different ways can show me the way to my own sanity.

(I don't like to call this a "higher power" is seems a tortuous twisting of the words, but I guess in the end it really doesn't matter)

I understand thats I can only control myself, and I have been trying to control people/things etc that may be inside my sphere of influence, but are not my responsibility, and I am exhausted with it.

I beleive that I need to let go of the illusion of control of many aspects that I have been gripping onto, trying to steer, not so much to hand it over to something else (an HP) to look after, but simply to relinquish it from my list.

I've been sitting at the head of an out of control rollercoaster car, adrenaline through the roof, lurching from one teetering drop to the next, terrified, sick, exhilarated and all the while thinking it was my job to steer it, to stop it, to save the lives of my fellow passengers: that it was my sheer force of will keeping it on the tracks and trying everything unsuccessfully to will, or trick or explain it into stopping.

Now I understand, that if I don't want to be on that ride, I just have to get off. And the others can too, I don't have to stay on to save them, or they can stay on, its up to them. I don't have to drive the rollercoaster, I don't have to hand the controls over to anyone, or anything higher, because the controls don't work, I just have to walk away.

does it matter that this is where I am at?
I can't force myself to believe that there is a benign interest overseeing my life. Is this enough?

[Lilyflower]

I never went to Alanon meetings, SR was my meeting place.

When I got here I quickly identified certain people in the forum who represented to me 'recovery' in action. They became my HP. They had a power greater than mine - they knew how to brake out of unhealthy behaviours and were living happy full lives as a result of it. They radiated the skills I knew I needed to develop to get me sane.

I am a practising bhuddist, so I firmly believe that the people in our lives are there to teach us a spiritual lesson. i.e. Having the relationship I did with my parents, friends, my abf, all brought me to SR through behaviours, events, taught ideas etc etc. When I got here the people I met were to teach me how to turn my life around and find a deeper meaning and new life skills.

Now I have adopted those ideas I am my own HP - i.e. when things start to get out of control I need to re-connect with my lessons, my spiritual self which has developed and grown as a result of all I have learnt. I find I have the answers within me, even if that answer is 'let go of it and trust that you have covered any preparation/protection and that what will happen now is out of your hands'. It works well for me.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Lilyflower]

Just to add one more thought to add to the discussion - it may sound self glorifying to say ''I am my own HP'' but I find that I am giving away my personal power by saying that someone/something else can handle it and not me. For me that is tantamount to allowing myself to be rescued again. Just my personal opinion but this way I reconcile those two ideas.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Rella927]

Awesome posts everyone! Ago I loved your post it is just simply simple!

a "power greater than ourselves" could restore us to sanity.

To me this step was hard ....When I lost my husband (Not an A) he was my rock, my HP who helped guide me out of my childhood destruction! I was given the chance to love him and I was so blessed. However when he passed, I no longer believed there was a God as I did not think he could be so cruel as to take the one person who had shown me such hope, love, compassion and unconditional at that! (However, I did learn later on that it is just life and it was not anyone's fault-Imagine that!Hmmm codie!?!)

So I was angry (Go figure!) and when I began this step I had healed a bit from my loss but, still did not find God as my HP-(guess the codie was still a little pissed) so when I found SR-I too had found lots of HP's-that began the start of "wanting what they had" and I put my mind to it, although stubborn at first-and then began Al-Anon which also became my HP. I joined a spirtual group/Al-Anon and it has been now my rock, my wake up when I start to feel down or lost with of course SR! So I would have to say spiritually most days today I'am connected and on the days I do not feel connected I have those who have become a part of my recovery to keep me on the right course!

I was the one who had to and still do work myself towards restoring myself to sanity with a lot of awesome HP's guiding me! it is what works for me!

Doing these steps is a process and can be very emotional as we move on forward-However I believe that each step is a prelude to the next step and what I learned and gained (And still do) from one step I use towards the next step.

I heard once here at SR when doing the steps we need to start off with
Honesty, open mind & willingness

I believe without that in mind, we end up doing what I did and that is the steps over and over and over! (which actually can be a positive) "Progress not perfection!"

[CatsPajamas]

There's a lot that can be discussed about Step Two, not the least of which Jody Hepler touched on : the concept of being restored to sanity.

I was an absolute crazy woman for a few years. I looked normal, and often on the outside I appeared normal. BUT, I felt helpless as I watched my world spinning ever more out of control. I couldn't stop it and I was sucked into the downward spiral.

When I heard Step Two, I was interested in the idea of being restored to sanity. It meant (1) that I had, in fact, been sane at some point in my life and (2) I could be restored to that place! The difficulty for me was understanding what that sanity looked like.

My angel sponsor had me do this: she had me make 2 columns on a piece of paper. In the first one I had to write a list of the INsane things in my life. And then in the other column I wrote the opposite, which was probably the sane thing. She said THAT list was what my life could and would look like when I was restored to sanity. What a blessing.

[Rella927]

Originally Posted by CatsPajamas

There's a lot that can be discussed about Step Two, not the least of which Jody Hepler touched on : the concept of being restored to sanity.

I was an absolute crazy woman for a few years. I looked normal, and often on the outside I appeared normal. BUT, I felt helpless as I watched my world spinning ever more out of control. I couldn't stop it and I was sucked into the downward spiral.

When I heard Step Two, I was interested in the idea of being restored to sanity. It meant (1) that I had, in fact, been sane at some point in my life and (2) I could be restored to that place! The difficulty for me was understanding what that sanity looked like.

My angel sponsor had me do this: she had me make 2 columns on a piece of paper. In the first one I had to write a list of the INsane things in my life. And then in the other column I wrote the opposite, which was probably the sane thing. She said THAT list was what my life could and would look like when I was restored to sanity. What a blessing.

Cat-My sponsor and Counselor both made me do that list as well (Forgot to mention that! Thank you for that reminder)

It was amazing to see my list and how insane my life was-It was so numbing to look at it! I was amazed when my other column started to become a reality! And yes what a blessing it was to know that my broken little child inside of me had hope to become what I had always been jealous of others for having! What a concept! HUGE!

Cat

[freya]

Step 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Oh, the "testimony" thing -- just gotta love doing this!

I was raised Catholic, and, even though my family broke with the church over a whole bunch of issues during the late 60s, early 70s and I thought I had developed and much more mature idea of God, it turned out that, subconsciously, my beliefs were still pretty rigid and immature and when my marriage fell apart in the early 90s, my belief system could not stand the strain and totally collapsed.

So anyway, I pretty much managed to get everything about my life sorta back together again, except the faith piece (kinda a big "piece," but what can I say, I was really kinda messed up at the time) and for ~10 years I was bascially in a place where my attitude toward life and its "meaning" was best summed up by Virginia Woolf's metaphor that we are all just passangers on a sinking ship and the most we can hope to accomplish is to make ourselves and others comfortable while the ship goes down.

In some sense, I guess I could say that I always "had" Step 2 down, because I did realize that the lack of faith / life-is-meaningless thing was a problem and somehow was keeping me from being truly happy / feeling fulfilled, but, although I recognized it and tried several different things to try to "get it back," since I basically could not accept/believe in any kind of HP, nothing really "took." So, even though I did not conceptualize my situation in 12 Step terms at that time, I was kinda like in a place of "Yeah, of course if there was aHP, It could restore me to sanity...but, since there's not....I'm pretty much just scr*wed"

And, as I indicated in my Step 1 post, looking back now, I also realize that not having faith in much of anything caused me to put up with things I might not otherwise have put up with because I felt like "what difference does it really make anyways?"

Then, the summer before I came into program, I came across this old rosary of my grandmother's. She had been a rosary fanatic and said it at least twice a day from the time she was, like, 7 years old. This was her favorite rosary (one of those big ivory ones like nuns wear) and she had used it so much that the (metal) Christ figure was almost totally worn away. Anyway, at the time I was thinking about ways to connect to my female ancestors and also about meditation, so I decided to start saying the rosary -- totally without any connection to the Catholic/religious meaning of it.

Then I started attending Al Anon, and, of course, the whole Higher Power thing just wasn't working for me, but it was helping the friend who I was taking, and I was learning lots about what was going on in my relationship and it seemed to be helping me in other ways, so I just kept "coming back." I think two things that they say a lot in 12 Step Programs probably made this possible -- "Take what you like and leave the rest," and "Fake it 'till you make it." I probably would not have been able to handle it if people were really insistent on the "you have to believe in this particular type of HP", but they weren't. So I just tried really hard to have an open mind about it and kept on saying my rosary, and going to meetings, and dabbling in other "spritual practice" type things that people mentioned and that seemed interesting to me.....and somehow a lot of things started changing in my life...

...most importantly I was able to choose to ask my partner (who at the time was seriously into a dry-drunk relapse and engaging in all kinds of hurtful and dishonest -- to herself and me and others -- behavior) to leave and not have to hate her in order to do it. I'm not saying it was easy, but it was definitely different than any other break-ups from my past in an amazing way.

And then one day about a month and a half after that, I was over at an AA friend's house and we were getting ready to go to a meeting. My friend was talking about some really hard stuff that she was going through and I said to her, without even thiniking about what I was saying: "Well, I want you to know that I pray for you everyday." And when I said it, I suddenly realized that it was the truth..(well, I wouldn't have said it if it were not true -- I just don't do that kind of thing even to make someone feel good) and that I had, in fact, been doing it (truly been praying for her and others and just talking to HP with faith in general) for awhile and somehow I had my faith back. It definitely was a miracle -- I can't even say exactly how or when it happened, but I sure know it did......

freya