new - trying to figure things out

[ginger777]

My husband is an 39 yr old alcoholic and I am very worried about him. He is a 20+ year functioning alcoholic. He is a wonderful man aside from his drinking.

I am not sure why he started drinking or if it even matters. I can just give a quick background of him and go from there. He was that extremely good looking guy in high school and just as smart. He comes from a fairly well off family. His father is a retired rocket scientist and his mom a retired english teacher. My husband has travelled all over the world. He is a MIT graduate. He now works in the aerospace and defense industry. He goes to work everyday and provides well for the family. At least in my eyes. Not so in his. But we come from two different places. I was raised in an extremely poor family. None of which went to college. And although it was a family where everyone worked hard we were still often on public assistance.
My husband is a good man. He would help anyone he could. He even spent years helping handicap adults before it started to get the better of him and he changed careers. He doesn't go out and he always perfers to be home with the family. He doesn't watch sports or play video games. He does anything I ask of him right away or as soon as possible. He cooks on the weekends to give me a break and often times that includes breakfast in bed.
When he drinks (which is everyday) he doesn't get mean or angry. He NEVER says a harsh words to any of us. He is even more patient than I am. There is no emotional, mental or physical abuse. I even truly believe he would try to stop drinking if I asked him to....but I know that would just set him up for failure because he has to do it for himself. When we met I was a very heavy drinker. Although not an alcoholic. I only mean that I wasn't addicted to alcohol. Even though I was drunk most every night. I am not even sure how I wasn't addicted. I will still have a drink once in awhile...out at dinner or new years eve. But it wouldn't bother me to never drink again. However my husband is addicted. (severely) He shakes bad when hes not drinking. in the daytime before he starts drinking I should say. He can't sleep unless he drinks himself into it. He may go one day without drinking...very few and far between but he is so depressed on those days. He almost functions worse on those days. But like I said they are not often. Maybe 7 days in the last 2 years. He drinks anywhere from 5 to 7 cases of beer a week.
We have 2 kids. A mental handicap 14 year old and a 4 month old.
I am not sure what to do or where to go from here. I love my husband very much and I just see him drinking himself to death.
Sorry for the book guess I am just trying to work it all out in my own mind.
Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Bernadette]

Hi ginger and welcome!

Glad you found SR. I guess if you are just at the beginning of understanding how serious the situation of living/loving an alcoholic can be I would suggest a couple books that really helped me:
Under the Influence by Milgram & Ketchum
and Codependent No More by Beattie

And for me AlAnon and the literature I got at AlAnon meetings helped me more than anything in accepting the realities of alcoholism while not letting it drag me down in despair. "Functioning" alcohlism is really just a stage - it gets worse for all alcoholics because the disease is progressive.

Unfortunately there is nothing I can do to make someone quit drinking and seek recovery - and because that is so hard to accept (!!!) I needed the guidance of AlAnon and also some bouts of one on one therapy to help me keep the positive focus on my own life.

My dad was also a scientist, a chemist, very bright, very thoughtful, and he was an alcoholic. It really sucked growing up in an alcoholic home - took me a lot of work to undo that damage, but I was lucky enough to see my dad find recovery and sobriety through AA. The day he called the AA hotline and asked for help was not a day following any of his worst episodes - it was a regular hungover day - no one could have guessed he would choose sobriety on that day, but nothing any of us thought or felt or wished mattered - it was the day he had enough, the day he was finally sick and tired of being sick and tired....we who loved him had had enough and been sick and tired for A LONG TIME!!!!!

The day I finally walked into my first AlAnon meeting was the beginning of an amazing journey of education and self discovery and serenity....I highly recommend it!

peace-
B.

[Lilyflower]

Hi Ginger, welcome to SR!

My abf admitted he had a problem he named it alcoholism before I did, went to AA etc but couldn't quit. He tried, lots and lots of times! I truely believe he wanted to get sober, but couldn't at that time.

I ended up ending it due to financial insecurity amoungst other things, at the time, I was learning well how to detach etc and probably could've gone on longer doing that, but I think finally the lies and issues etc got the better of it all, and it was time for me to call it quits.

Some folk stay and manage to work it out. My friend Natalie aka The Missus was lucky enough that her bf found recovery, they are still together and there are lots of others who are still at home and hoping that day comes soon for them.

The most important thing to learn is how to develop your own serenity and peace and how to maintain it despite the chaos of addiction around you - no easy matter and one I could not accomplish. I found my serenity by ending my relationship.

Read through the parmenant 'sticky' posts and keep posting/reading,

Lots of love to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[cmc]

Hello ginger777, welcome to SR!

[kermit]

Welcome to SR! My husband was a good man a very good at being a "functioning" Alcoholic. But one day something bad happened, he drove our 15yr old daughter when he should have never been behind the wheel, she was so frightened. I threw him out that very day, I was a stay home Mom, had no income but I did it any way. I feared for my children, I found this web site and was dirrected to Allanon, and now 3yrs later I am at peace with my decision. I'm not saying leaving is or was the right choice, many have stayed and found peace with that as well.I can tell how much you love your husband and how much you want him to get help, but you will have to wait for him to make that decision for himself.
But I think Allanon is a great place to help guide you so that you can find peace.
Good luck, and again welcome.
Kermmie