I've alienated my family

[Susan67]

New Years day was horrible for me. I broke down and called my AH and begged him to come home. He was elated! The next day, I felt like I made a huge mistake. So, I told him I made a mistake and took him back to his mom's house.
I'm back on the merry go round and I hate it!
My parents, sibs, kids and friends were all so disappointed that I took him back.
He's convinced my family talked me out of it. I actually talked myself out of it. My family is so important to me, they have seen the trials and tribulations of what he's put me through.
He is currently not drinking but not working the program either.
I told him it's not fair to him that I gave him false hope.
He keeps reminding me of our vows, that a relationship is between two people, forget what my family is saying. Bashing my family with cruel words.
Please pray for me because I know I'm making the right choice for myself. I just need encouragement right now.

[bookwyrm]

Stay strong Susan! I think it's great that you realised that you made a mistake straight away rather than further down the line! You can do this and you do deserve better. Lean on your family - you can rely on them!

[hydrogirl]

When my ex was having an affair and filed for divorce, I went back and forth so many times "I want him back"...."Oh no I do not!" that I was sure I was losing my mind. Eventually, just a little every day, I felt better about myself and my life without him. Hugs to you....keep doing what you know is best for you, and your horizons will open up as you move forward!
HG

[Susan67]

I started a journal to keep my mind in check, that seems to help. I have to remember that just because I have pity for him doesn't mean I am responsible for him. That is what got me into this mess in the first place!

[dgtrkt]

I will pray and u pray. if you are not getting the love and support from a relationship in your life you need to let go..are u married?

[Susan67]

Yes, married for 3 years. We were married for 4 months when he got his 4th DWI. So, needless to say our entire time married has been very difficult for me. I made it easy for him to get through all the hoops he had to go through with all the fines, court appearances, community service, jail time, mandatory AA meetings.
This is the 3rd time I've tried to leave him.

[WantsOut]

I knew that if I didn't keep going after I made him leave, that I'd regret it. For me it was a matter of facing reality. That phrase sounds empty or snotty "face reality" but I learned that it facing reality is real activity. It's when your heart is whining and carrying on but you put the pain aside because the reality is so insane that you cannot afford to be controlled by emotion.

That helped me - maybe it might resonate with you.

Love

[Bernadette]

This is exactly where going to AlAnon and just following directions for a little while helped me.
My best thinking and practices kept getting me into a world of hurt- my "feelings" which so often centered around the alcoholics were really unreliable. I didn't know who I was or what I "wanted" from one day to another....

AlAnon and therapy were like a lighthouse for me - I just kept going and trusted the process and the program and stayed with whatever little plan I had just for that day to get me through the night without undoing all the hard work or backtracking even in little ways from the progress I was making.

Ugh. Good luck - keep seeking and accepting help for a while - if your family is sane and rational maybe listen to them for a little while until you get your own rational strength back. Living with an alcoholic and all the accomodations we make to continue to do so keeps us crazy.

Big pat on the back for coming to your senses and not being afraid to say you made a mistake in taking him back!! That is huge. It's OK to stumble as long as we don't stay down! All his bashing your family and bringing up vows (hello? where does an active alcoholic fit into the vows of marriage???) is just quacking - he may be sober but he is not in recovery if he is lashing out at you and blaming you & your family for HIS misfortune. Easy does it.

(((hugs))) Stay strong. Stay with your plan. More will be revealed in time. It takes time time time!!!!

Peace-
B.

[GiveLove]

Susan,

Realizing that you'd made a mistake, and then un-doing your mistake? Do you know how huge that is? I know that I was not strong enough to follow my gut that way. I took my X back multiple times, and every time I felt (within the first day or two) that I'd made a mistake....but I didn't have the courage to act on my feelings. YOU DID. I have so much respect for you.

I love to journal at this time of the year, to re-visit the things that are most important to me. Maybe you'd benefit from sitting for a while with a good hot drink and your favorite music playing, and write some lists for YOU and only YOU

--What your perfect day would look like, from the time you wake up to the time you go to sleep (the only rule: you can't change someone else's basic nature)

--The people in your life who are important, and what each one contributes

--Twenty things you love to do just for YOU

......and so on. You are a valuable, vibrant person and the world is laid out in front of you, waiting for whatever you'd like to do in it. Taking a day to focus on your own happiness and how you want to craft your life can relieve a lot of the pressure that's being put on you.

Suggest that maybe you reconsider talking to him right now, until your heart and mind are level again? You don't need his input at the moment. You know how he feels, and he's just feeding a lot of anger and confusion into your head.

Love and strength to you

[Susan67]

Thank-You for your kind words of wisdom GiveLove!!! This is my time to focus on me and what I need.
I didn't understand what a huge step I took when I admitted to him that I made a mistake in taking him back. I am so fortunate to have found this website because all of you understand what I'm going through.
I do have a counselor and go to Alanon meetings, this has been a great tool for me to grow stronger each day.

[Susan67]

Big pat on the back for coming to your senses and not being afraid to say you made a mistake in taking him back!! That is huge. It's OK to stumble as long as we don't stay down! All his bashing your family and bringing up vows (hello? where does an active alcoholic fit into the vows of marriage???) is just quacking - he may be sober but he is not in recovery if he is lashing out at you and blaming you & your family for HIS misfortune. Easy does it.

Bernadette, I was thinking the same thing! Thanks for pointing this out to me!

[inahaze]

We've split up and got back together several times, like you I was always excited at the prospect of "together" again, then felt my heart sink when we were "together" again.

You're stronger than I, probably stronger than you even know.

[Bernadette]

probably stronger than you even know.

So are you inahaze! Don't doubt it!
peace-
B.

[embraced2000]

susan, i've done the same thing so many times that i don't have enough fingers and toes tocount. usually within 1 hr., i knew i had made a huge mistake.

after he would go away, i would get the dreaded "selective memory" and want him back so bad i could taste it.

after awhile, i learned to play the tape all the way through. me calling him back was my baggage......nothing had changed. no wonder he got so many mixed signals from me.

i see some progress here, so don't beat yourself up......you realized quickly that you had made a mistake in having him come back home. at least you didn't wait for somethng really bad to happen to end it again.

and of course everytime i did this, i looked like a total fruit cake to everyone. i soon learned to accept that i was one.....at least at that point in recovery.

blessings to you

[ToughChoices]

Originally Posted by Susan67

My parents, sibs, kids and friends were all so disappointed that I took him back.
He's convinced my family talked me out of it. I actually talked myself out of it. My family is so important to me, they have seen the trials and tribulations of what he's put me through.

I sometimes struggle with attempts to control my family's perceptions of my relationship with my AH. It really hurts me to think that I am disappointing them or causing them pain.

But it is not their life. It is mine.

I cannot control how they feel about my decisions. I can only do what is best for me.

It sounds to me like you are doing a great job of taking care of yourself. You made a decision, recognized it as a mistake, and remedied that mistake. Good for you!

I choose to focus on the RECOGNITION and REMEDY more than on the mistake itself - hopefully your family will do the same. If not, it'll be ok. You'll be ok.

Keep your chin up, susan!
-TC