Shivaya

Happy Holidays to All...

Am currently growing through a divorce, and have been given 60% custody of children.

Unfortunately, I have no proof that STBXAH is an alcoholic, i.e., no DUI's, no rehab visits.

So...I'm expected to just "sit back" and wait for something to happen? He is an active alcoholic, and has the kids every other week for 5 nights in a row!!! It is only a matter of time until he passes out, blacks out, when the children are in his care.

Has anyone out there been successful in getting a psychological evaluation ordered for their STBXAH? How do I go about getting the "proof" I need?

Any advice/suggestions are appreciated. My heart is breaking and the pain is unbearable...

Shivaya

laurie6781

Shivaya, I understand your great concern for your children.

You live in California, I see, which is good in that you can voice your concerns to Child Protective Services, and they can and will do unannounced 'home checks' when the children are in his care.

As to getting a psychological evaluation, check with your attorney and see if it can be presented to the court as an amendment to the custodial order.

I'm not sure how old your children are (having a senior moment here, lol) but make sure they know how to get ahold of you if ANYTHING seems wrong when they are at daddy's. Keep it simple with them, depending on age, if daddy 'seems sick' or 'daddy can't wake up' or 'daddy leaves them alone' etc and that they should know if the same things occur with you (which we know they won't,lol) that they call daddy right away.

That way you're not being hard or disrespectful to 'daddy' just being a concerned parent of your children and giving them numbers to call, etc.

Hope that helps a bit to ease your concerns.

Hope you have as serene and peaceful a holiday as you can.

Love and hugs,

wooforever

How old are your kids? Can they dial 911? If anything happens and your ex passes out or if the kids do not want to get in the car with him because he is drunk. If they are old enough then they can either call you or call the cops. You need to write everything down that happens.

Pajarito

(((Shivaya))) I am sorry you are struggling. I feel your fear, as I am also dealing with having to let my child go off with her dad for visits. I have no idea if he is drinking, but I have to have faith that all will be revealed. My dd is 11, and capable of letting me know what is up, and calling me if she needs to. I have to let go of control, but I pray he does nothing to harm her. STBXAH has no duis, but I have evidence of his addiction in photographs I took of his stashes. I've kept a journal documenting his erratic behavior, and he also had a cd evaluation that I could use if needed. Still- all of that does not mean in my state (MN) that he cannot see his daughter. He can see her, and I do want them to have a good relationship so I try to stay out of the way. However- if anything smells fishy, I will do what I need to to ensure she is safe.

I would talk to your lawyer to see what options you have and go from there. Ask the "what if. . . " questions. In my situation I made his visits dependent on his complete sobriety 24 hours before seeing dd as well as during their visits. If he chooses to drink at any time I will bring him back to court.

I hope you find the answers that can bring you some peace. ((()))

blessed4x

(((shivaya))) I was just thinking about you. I'm so sorry you are going through this. This is one of my fears with divorce, however, I know the long-term damage from staying could be greater. Praying for safety for your kids and peace for you.

hadenoughnow

I was lucky and got primary physical custody for several reasons, 1. Our son was 13 when I filed and in the state I live in that is old enough for him to have testified that his father drank daily. 2. My ex did not want to face a custody eval and be questioned or deposed so he agreed to give me primary. 3. I threatened to subpoena his SA counseling records (which would have shown him not only to have a SA problem but that he was suicidal).

If you have ANY proof of substance abuse (financial records, employment records, medical records) or if you kids have been exposed and can testify don't be afraid to use it.

My ex has never had a DUI or been in trouble, lost a job, or been to rehab either.

Shivaya

Thanks for the responses. My children are 10 and 4. My 10 yr. old refuses to believe anything negative about his dad. I've mentioned his dad's drinking only 2 times in the last 3 months, and both times he denied he ever saw his dad drink (he drank every night up until 11 months ago, always had drinks with dinner)...and in fact said "Mom, you're the one who drinks". Guess what? I don't even drink.

So there is some serious denial going on here with both stbxah and my oldest. Fortunately for me, I was snapped out of my denial in January of this year. I do know that if something were not right over at stbxah's apt., my 10 yr old would call me.

Paj, if you don't mind sharing, how were you able to get an order that he could not drink 24 hours prior to having your child or when she is in his custody?

I have photographs of his drug paraphenalia, but no proof (in the courts eyes) of the drinking....I am so frustrated.

I too know that the truth will prevail, and that it is only a matter of time, and lots of $, before the court will see the truth.

I'm tired and my heart aches when my children are with him...

Thanks for your support,


Shivaya

Pajarito

(((Shivaya)))
I'm tired and my heart aches when my children are with him...

This breaks my heart. I could have written those words as well.

To answer your question, I simply had my lawyer put in writing that STBXAH is not to drink 24 hours before or while with dd. STBXAH doesn't take it seriously, though, because his response was that he agreed to this, but asked that I do the same. (!) I'm the take it or leave it drinker- maybe one a month. So- I put it in writing, but that doesn't mean he'll take it seriously. But it's the only place in our affidavit where I specifically address his drinking in relation to dd- and I felt I had to do it in order to have it on record with the court in case it comes up in the future.

I don't know why I forgot this, but STBXAH also went to out-patient treatment, so I do have more evidence of his addiction than I wrote in my other post. However, don't let that deter you. You can still talk to your lawyer about doing something like this, and what your options are if issues come up in the future. I would also keep written records with times and dates of any drinking/drugging he does while with your kids- that includes sleeping or passing out- not ok with two kids that young. Your oldest my be in denial, but you are not, and you can be diligent about what you do to make sure your AH is keeping your kids safe.

I believe you are also right about this taking time-unfortunately. If your AH is still doing drugs and drinking, it will only be a matter of time before it becomes apparent. IMHO, all you can do now is take care of yourself, be the best mom you can be, and do what you have to when issues arise to ensure your children are safe. I know it's hard to be patient, but I also believe that the truth will prevail. (((Take care.)))