In need of guidance here (lost all hope back again)

[Alphawoman]

I have posted before about having lost all hope.

Last June my ABF went into detox to rid himself of drug and alcohol problems. I was naive in believing he really wanted to do all that and much to my dismay he's back using drugs and never gave up the booze. He was homeless (tough for me to let him be) at the time and in retrospect I now believe he went in there to get out of the street. He also knew I would no longer help him out financially (except food) as I'd reach my fill. Since going to Al-Anon and being on this site I also realize how he's been manipulating me for the entire two years of our relationship. The rehab gave him camprol and he just stopped taking it and continued his drinking. The rehab only kept him for 4 days???? He told me the place he would be renting in was a sober house. How stupid was I? Am I? He was also put on another drug to help him stay off of the drugs. He's compulsive and when not doing one addiction makes up for it with others.

Long story.....He worked at the same place I do for awhile until he got fired. He did stay off the coke....He did turn his paycheck over to me for me to take care of his bills (I complained but wrongly did it for him). Once he got fired he went back to his old job where drugs went rampart. Yup...as you've already guessed...he's back to using drugs. He's drinking as much as ever. Yup....to further complicate things he lost his job last night because of a situation he got himself into.

I've been getting stronger every day and letting him know the relationship was at a standstill until he choses to help himself. I'm sick over the amount of money I've given him (I'm so stupid!) for these past two years. I was so afraid of what would happen to him otherwise. I put an end to that these past few weeks when I closed two accounts of numbers I'd given him to buy things like eye glasses, etc. I've paid 23 of the last 24 of his cell phone bills.

I've been detaching with love and firmness. Sure I love him and don't want to see anything bad happen to him but, my hands are tied!

So, today he called in the morning to ask would I wait for him if he were to go away for a long time to get himself squared away. He said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but I deserve to have him be the best he can be. He's telling me over and over he wants to get better for me and I'm what's good for him! He didn't tell me until tonight he'd lost his job. I paid last week's rent for him....so he's got a roof over his head until next Wed. He said he got himself into trouble by being so kindhearted to someone who was supposed to return $$$$ to him by the end of the night. He lent his company's $$$$ and that's why he was fired. I get the distinct impression his accolades of love (as in times past) aren't forthright! He's going to be homeless again by next Wed.

So, to all of you out there am I just being cynical or am I witnessing the same manipulative behavior I have in the past? I don't mind buying him a meal but I'll not give him one dime to pay any more bills. He comes from a very large family and I know when he went homeless in June no one was willing to help him out.

He's always saying that someone did him wrong. I expressed to him today that it wasn't his kindness that got him into trouble but, perhaps the people he chooses to associate with don't have his best interests at heart. He told me I was the only one he trusts...I'm the only one who understands.

I'd love to give him some leeway but, based upon his history I think he's just pulling at my heart strings. I refuse to be used anymore. I told him that last week and I can't fall back into that old bait and hook trap he's setting for me.

Help. Sorry this ended up being so long. I'm attempting to keep myself from going into panic mode.

Alphawoman

[denny57]

Originally Posted by Alphawoman

So, today he called in the morning to ask would I wait for him if he were to go away for a long time to get himself squared away. He said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but I deserve to have him be the best he can be. He's telling me over and over he wants to get better for me and I'm what's good for him! He didn't tell me until tonight he'd lost his job. I paid last week's rent for him....so he's got a roof over his head until next Wed.

If a friend emailed you this story, what would you say to her?

[Still Waters]

Actions not words. When he's been clean and working a program for a substantial amount of time, then maybe I'd trust him a very small amount. Not until then.

He's tugging those old emotional heartstrings like a pro isn't he?

So, today he called in the morning to ask would I wait for him if he were to go away for a long time to get himself squared away. He said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but I deserve to have him be the best he can be.

Wish him luck, but don't believe it until it's real instead of a manipulation tool.

[Alphawoman]

Thanks Denny57. I'd tell my friend to not believe one word he's saying. I want to believe it when he says he wants to get better. That's my heart talking. My mind's saying he's got no conscience anymore.
Thanks for posting. I need the support of my own convictions. I'm going straight to my Al-Anon meeting when I get out of work tonight.
Thanks for your insight.

[Alphawoman]

Dear Still Waters,
I never knew how manipulative an addict was until I got so deeply involved with one. He is a pro isn't he. Oh for sure he'll deny any such thing to me and tell me ad nauseum how much he loves me.....
Thanks for your support and insight. For his sake I hope he gets better because it looks like a long fall from where I'm standing.
Alphawoman

[Still Waters]

We desperately want to believe them, because we desperately want them to get better. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this, it's a normal response to a loved ones distress.

But, we aren't dealing in normals here. I keep foremost in my mind at all times that he's not sane, that I'm dealing with a crazy person. That helps me detach from the situation as best as I can.

[lovtolaff]

I'm sure there are several of us here that read your post and knew exactly what you were saying. My xabf was as manipulative as they come - everyone around me could see it - but not me...nope...because I loved him and had "hope" that things would change.

Well after two years, nothing changed, in fact it was getting worse. The drinking increased and the crack/cocaine was getting harder for him to just do "every now and then". I listened to all the excuses and believed most of them (or wanted to believe them anyways) and I finally tire of the bullsh*t and kicked him out.

We had continuous "drama" in our relationship - always something happening. And like your bf - mine always had a reason of why it happened. It gets old...trust me.

I'm going on 6 months now of being without him and my life is going in a new and exciting direction. Yes he's called me and wants me back but I've held strong because I know that I can NOT and will NOT live with an alcoholic/drug addict that can and will relapse at any moment. I lived with anxiety and worries for 2 years and it is a miserable way to live. You DON'T HAVE TO LIVE THIS WAY! We all deserve so much more.

I won't lie - there are times when I still feel pangs of missing him (or at least missing what I had made him out to be in my mind) but they pass and they do lessen as time goes on. Stay strong and start living for you.

Big hugs.

[Barbara52]

If it helps, talk to yourself as if you were that friend telling you the story. And don't hold back! Give yourself a good talking to for throwing good money after bad (as the saying goes), for buying into the BS, for even thinking about getting sucked back into his madness.

[loner1968]

Yeah its pure manipulation. its textbook actually. It sucks but you really can't trust him. there is probably a reason why nobody in his huge family would help him.

[laurie6781]

Oh I 'believe' he wants to get better Alpha. However, I also know it has conditions on it yet, he doesn't want to have to WORK for recovery. He wants it by OSMOSIS, roflmao.

He sure is QUACKING isn't he? Another 6 months and he'll make a good used care salesman!

NO I am not being cynical or 'snide.' Just factual. Been there, did that, only when his 'same old, same old' manipulations no longer work with you and others will he maybe be closer to getting help, accepting the help, and working his azz of to stay sober and clean.

Please do not continue to 'kick yourself' over things you did for him in the past. That is past, addicts are PROS at manipulation. Now you are smarter, and I know you don't want to go back to where you were.

You don't have to give up 'hope' that he will find recovery, as he may well find it, none of us have a crystal ball. However, you can hope as much as you want for him and all other addicts, just .....................................DO IT FROM A DISTANCE.

Remember..................what comes out of his mouth is just more QUACKING. Let his ACTIONS be your guide.

My daddy used to say "the road to hell is paved with good intentions." Boy was he right! I used to absolutely hate hearing him say it one more time, but yep he was right. All the "I'm gonna's" I spouted over those years didn't accomplish one damn thing. Only when I knew, that I could take this no further, that if I kept drinking and using I would die shortly and that if I tried to stop I would die, and damn it I wanted to die sober.

So don't give up that beautiful caring heart, continue to have 'hope' but do it from a fair distance away.

Come here when you need to rant, rave, scream, cry, and even laugh. We know, we've been there, and we do care.

Love and hugs,

[FormerDoormat]

How many people do you know that would steal money from their employer to "lend it to a friend?" Based on your description, I'd say he's a liar, an alcoholic, a thief, a master manipulator, and he'll stop at nothing to get what he wants. He'll take your self esteem, your money, your heart, your health, everything you have to offer and offer nothing in return but heartache.

How did your Alanon meeting go?

[Alphawoman]

Lovtolaff,
Thanks so much for this post. God knows I want so much to believe him and for things to miraculously change for the better. You're so right when you say there's one drama after another. He was arrested in Sept.....Not His Fault! He's waiting to return to court(a 3rd time) in hopes the case will be dismissed. He's faced housing court for owing a former landlord and now???? I'm wondering if he'll go to jail for that??

Last night he told me he wasn't using coke anymore. It was only once since June?????
Oh, he also said he may be able to work out a deal with his boss and get his job back.
So, between the morning when he was driven to say he wanted to go away for a long time and last night he changed his mind.

I try very hard to understand alcohol is a disease and when he says something he probably does mean it. But, that's where it ends. Just talk no action.

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I MUST STAY STRONG and leave this dysfunctional relationship.

Alphawoman

[Alphawoman]

Barbara 52,

Great advice. I'm doing my best. It's much easier when I'm away from him.
Thanks for this post. I need to know I'll get out of this!

Alphawoman

[Alphawoman]

Thanks much Laurie. I'm a widow and my husband used the same saying as your Dad. You're so very right I don't EVER WANT TO GO BACK!!!!! I'll keep posting on this site because everyone's got their story and boy has it helped me trifold to be able to download my thoughts to people who understand.
Your words of wisdom are just what I need.
Alpha

[Alphawoman]

Hi Loner,
Thanks for your post. I've got to look at my glass as half-full at this point. His own family said they were afraid he'd hurt me when we first started dating. I get it now!
I must keep this thought foremost in my mind when he starts his BS with me.
I hope you're feeling better today and your search for help has been successful.
Alphawoman

[MissFixit]

Alpha,

His friends told me that he would break my heart and that he lies to me. I asked him about this and he said of course not... Early on at least 12 people told me that he was crazy and I needed to watch out. I thought they just were just jealous, catty, petty, etc...after all he was such a nice guy to me. He was just misunderstood. The problem was them, not him. Yeah right.

[Alphawoman]

Dear Former,
Thanks for your response. My Al-Anon meeting went well. I finally got the nerve to say something there. I've been going for over one month. The meeting was about serenity.

My ABF always says he never lies???? He's supposed to see his therapist tomorrow. Yesterday he so wanted to get into detox with her help. There's a threat of a snow storm tomorrow so I suggested perhaps he could call her and let her know he was in crisis and wanted to get into detox. His exact words "That was yesterday, this is today." That just sums it all up doesn't it?

I've got a lot of work to do on myself. Things I thought I had come to grips with long ago are staring at me again. So....I'm exactly where I should be at this time. This hurts a lot but, I know I'll get past it all if I take one day at a time and be as gentle with myself as I know how to be. I want to treat me just the way I treat everyone I come across in my everyday life.

Thanks so much for your experience and insight. You're so helpful.

Alpha

[Alphawoman]

Dear Miss,
My ABF was once my brother's best friend. My brother and his family live next door to me and my Dad lives with me. It's been so very uncomfortable because they've not ever accepted this man in my life and have had a couple of "interventions" with me. I'm so stubborn that I kept insisting he would come to his senses and get clean for the first time in his life. My brother clearly stated "I know him from way back and he's clearly using you." I truly believed I could help my ABF. Now, I could look at myself like I'm a complete fool (and I have) but, I'd rather say "thanks God for this lesson" and move into the next chapter of my life armed with a new behavior that's reflective of my having passed the course that has been the most difficult of my life.

Thanks to you and all on this site.

Alpha

[Freedom1990]

Textbook manipulation as someone else has already stated. You could have been writing about my EXAH.

If nothing changes, nothing changes. Quack, quack, quack.