Here we go again...

[ViolentHill32]

I've never posted a thing on a forum, but I think it's time to reach out.

I am the wife of a recovering alcoholic. We've been together 7 years, and while I knew he had been abusing "something' for 6 years of our relationship, (he has been off the booze for 1 year, 22 days) I have just recently opened my eyes to the realization that he is using again, but this time it's not alcohol. It's prescription drugs and he has just confessed that he's been on them (ordering them) since one month out of rehab (1 year ago) and now he's completely, physically addicted to pain pills.

This time last year we were the model recovering couple. Did everything by the book. But things changed quickly. I notice he began to transform about a month into our recovery, but I chalked it up to one of the many changes I'd seen. Now, 1 year later, I have learned that I've been lied to and deceived again, repeatedly, for the last year!! I knew that something was wrong a while ago, but I seem to have forgotten all that I've learned (I guess we both have), I didn't want to believe the warning signs, I didn't want it to be true. It's so sad. I look at him now, and I DREAD going through the pain of trying to get back on track. I love the idea of my husband. I want a future with him. But I don't know who I live with anymore. I am shocked, confused, grieving, and fed-up.

This is a long story kind of short. I'm not even sure if this is the right forum. But if anyone can point me in the right direction, I could really use it.

Thanks-
Crushed.

[freya]

How sad and disappointing for you! I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

You wrote that this time last year, you and your husband were "a model recovery couple"; does that mean that you were/are attending Al Anon meetings? I hope so, because that would definitely be a big and very helpful "right direction" step that you could take right now.

freya

[FormerDoormat]

Have you been to Alanon? Therapy? I loved the idea of a life-long partner, too. But when you dreamed of your future husband one day, did you EVER dream of having an alcoholic, drug addict husband?

I didn't, but when the dream didn't pan out, I kept on trying to mold him into something he wasn't. How insane was that?

[embraced2000]

so sorry that yet another percious soul has to live with the effects of alcoholism.

i'll share this with you....my xah was sober for 18 months, but was far from being in recovery.

i have a disease that causes great pain. he brow beat me into letting him handle my meds. which resulted in him taking them himself. i was lucky to have one of my painkillers every other day, which kept me in over 3 months of hellish withdrawal.

why did i let it happen? because he had played so many sick mind games with me, that it was easier to just give in. i was so very sick mentally by then.

one day when he was in the shower, i slipped away and got my scripts refilled and took all of them. only by the grace of god am i alive today.

my xah just switched addictions....from booze to my meds.

i will never become involved with an addict again. myxah was a very sick man. and living with him made me even sicker than he ever dreamed of being.

if i were you i would run to the nearest al-anon meeting and make them the focus of your being right now.

much love to you
jeri

[ViolentHill32]

Both of you are so, so right. I need THERAPY and to find the right Al-anon group.

I am not going to lie, 1) I did everything I possibly could have a couple of months into his recovery: Al-anon, couples therapy, family/group counseling, reading books, reading forums, but I didn't keep up with it. I thought, "He wasn't, so why should I?" Arggghh, now I don't even know where to pick up. 2) I am so BUMMED that this is my life right now and that I am the only person in control of this (just being honest) and so angry with myself.
I'm assuming Al-anon has worked for you consistently? To be 100% honest, I felt the meetings I attended didn't really fit. They were filled with family members, but few spouses, and I found it hard to relate and identify.

So, can I ask, when do you know when you've had enough (of the deception and hurt)? When do you stop believing things are going to change? The few married people in my groups were still with their spouses after 10-15 years of dealing with the recovery/relapse back and forth, and they seemed so sad.
I am scared that my life as I had dreamed is over. I had plans. We had plans. We've been through so much, WHEN does it stop?

[FormerDoormat]

The pain stopped when I decided to stop it. For me, that meant ending my relationship. If Alanon and therapy aren't right for you, many people have done very well just with daily reading and posting on SR. The best thing about SR is it's available 24/7 and it's FREE. It doesn't get any better than that.

I was one of those women who spent 22 years in an intolerable relationship. I'm no longer the sad, lonely woman I used to be. The dream never ended for me because it never began. How could I mourn something that never existed?

Magical thinking kept me stuck in a miserable relationship. Dealing with reality isn't as romantic or dreamy as magical thinking, but it's a much healthier way to live.

[ViolentHill32]

Thank you Jeri- I just saw your post. I am right there with you and tired of the mind games and trying to prove that I am worth the effort. I know he is not in control of his life right now, and if he isn't then there is NO WAY I am in control of his life. Silly me.

I have had to lock meds in a safe in my car and count them daily in the past just to make sure he wasn't getting into them. I did it for him, but what was that doing for me? It was ridiculous! Then to find out he was just ordering things online the whole time. Silly me...again

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me...It's amazing that I haven't tried this before...it's really comforting to know I'm not alone. Thanks to all of you who have replied.

[ViolentHill32]

Doormat-
I may cry...thank you for that. Not for making me cry, for the advice

[ViolentHill32]

So Sorry, FORMER Doormat Ughhh, I guess it can only get better from here...

[ViolentHill32]

Originally Posted by embraced2000

so sorry that yet another percious soul has to live with the effects of alcoholism.

i'll share this with you....my xah was sober for 18 months, but was far from being in recovery.

i have a disease that causes great pain. he brow beat me into letting him handle my meds. which resulted in him taking them himself. i was lucky to have one of my painkillers every other day, which kept me in over 3 months of hellish withdrawal.

why did i let it happen? because he had played so many sick mind games with me, that it was easier to just give in. i was so very sick mentally by then.

one day when he was in the shower, i slipped away and got my scripts refilled and took all of them. only by the grace of god am i alive today.

my xah just switched addictions....from booze to my meds.

i will never become involved with an addict again. myxah was a very sick man. and living with him made me even sicker than he ever dreamed of being.

if i were you i would run to the nearest al-anon meeting and make them the focus of your being right now.

much love to you
jeri

I know that dealing with the addict in your life deeply messes with your mind. I look at myself sometimes and can't tell which one of us is the sickest. I doubt myself and my perception constantly. I am so grateful that you were here tonight to give me this advice and I am so sorry for what you've been through. Thank you.

[FormerDoormat]

I'm glad you're here.

[brundle]

ViolentHill32,
I know what you mean about going to Al-Anon and feeling like you don't fit. I'm not sure how the long suffering spouses do it. But it does really help. I've been married to my AH for about 7 1/2 years; want to know the hours? I've been dreaming of escape for 5 years. (Does hoping he die count. Yes I'm evil and sick) Actively planning escape for about 6 months. It's like being a bird in a cage with the door open and not flying out; kind of crazy. This guy is my second marriage and my second addict. My first one was into drugs.

I didn't know anything about Al-Anon or recovery between them and I really wish I did! While I know I'm recovering and better then I was before; I can't imagine my mind ever not being damaged or broken with the things my AH has said and done. This husband is also addicted to pot and porn; so it's really been fun.

I can't remember when I quit believing things where going to change. 2 or 3 years ago when I found the pot I think. I started having dreams that my second husband would become my first husband and he would be talking to me (lying) and maggots would be coming out of his mouth. It was around then. Now as the addiction has progressed and his god-like self will tell me "This is how I am" or "I don't care what you think". I'm not sure he's giving me much hope.

I guess eventually you just say: enough and you know. I'm really sorry your going through all this. I think taking care of yourself and working on your recovery is really important. The other stuff all falls into place as you get stronger.

Sorry for rambling... I do that sometimes...

[Barbara52]

Originally Posted by ViolentHill32

I'm assuming Al-anon has worked for you consistently?

I have never been to an AlAnon meeting. I never felt the need. For me what worked was a lot of reading, a few therapy sessions and lots of honest self examination. I decided to leave my now xAH before I had even begun to understand alcoholism and its effects on me or my own issues that had led me to marry and stay with an alcoholic because I knew I could not tolerate his constant drunkenness and willfull unemployment any longer. Life is now good indeed for me and I am well down the road of my personal recovery from codependency and all that went along with it.