Alcoholic Fiance, badly need advice

[Epiphany00]

I am have been clean for 1 year from opiates and I'm personally doing pretty good, but my fiance, the man who helped me get clean, is an alcoholic. He won't admit it, and he doesn't want to quit. He moved me out of state to get away from the drugs and without him I probably never would have got clean if it wasn't for him and I want to support him and be there for him like he was me. I wouldn't mind his excessive drinking but when he drinks he becomes a completely different person. He's short tempered, easily offended, and just altogether mean. He is the manager at a liquor store and comes home with a different kind of beer every night. He won't quit his job to get away from the alcohol because the money's too good. He says if he wanted to quit he would. I think deep down he knows he has a problem, he admitted to me once but later denied it. I know whether he drinks or not isn't up to me, and I know he has to want it, but I don't know how much longer I can deal with this. He was there for me when I needed him and he never gave up on me. When i'd wake up at 4 am crying for a pill and he had to get up for work at 6, he'd stay up with me. He spent $3,000 on methadone. I can't give up on him. Any advice on convincing he has a problem, or even just how to tolerate it better? I've started going to bed earlier when he drinks so I'm not awake to see him that way, but there has to be another answer. Any advice??

[prodigal]

Originally Posted by Epiphany00

the man who helped me get clean, is an alcoholic ... When i'd wake up at 4 am crying for a pill and he had to get up for work at 6, he'd stay up with me. He spent $3,000 on methadone. I can't give up on him. Any advice on convincing he has a problem, or even just how to tolerate it better?

He supported you. He helped you. However, you - and YOU alone - are responsible for your addiction and ultimate recovery. If you wanted to use, it wouldn't have mattered if he'd tied you up and locked you in a closet - you would find a way to use.

Convincing an alcoholic he has a problem is like trying to teach a pig to sing. You'll get frustrated, the pig will get pi$$ed - and you will have a pig that can't sing a note.

Toleration = detachment. It is a progressive disease; it gets worse over time; and you will be pulled down with the alcoholic (referred to here as "A's"). Alcoholism is an equal opportunity destroyer that turns everyone involved into an emotional mess if they choose to go along for the ride.

I'm sorry to be the bearer of un-glad tidings. But I've been married to two A's and the only way I've regained my sanity was to get on my side of the street and attend to my affairs. I learned from experience the hard way that it is an exercise in complete futility to have "discussions" with an A to make him see the light.

His addiction. His disease. His choices. His consequences.

I'd like to hear why you sound as if you believe is he directly responsible for saving you from your addiction. You could chose to pick up tonight. He does NOT have the power to keep you from using. You do NOT have the power to keep him from drinking.

[tommyk]

He saved you when you wanted to be saved.

But he doesn't want you to save him.

Love him until you don't love him anymore but he doesn't want saved.

[anvilhead]

i can totally understand your feelings of "obligation" to this man who helped you out during a really rough time. it sounds like he was very caring and compassionate - and you were also willing to ACCEPT the help.

so let's think about this "saviour" stuff for a sec....let's say, god forbid, your house catches on fire while you are asleep. and the neighbors call 911, and the firetruck races to the scene and the firemen bust down the door and haul you off to safety. how indebted to the neighbor and the firemen ARE you......and for how long? is it now YOUR job to stand watch 24/7 over your neighbor? do you cash in your retirement and donate it to the fire dept?

you can't SAVE him, honey, cuz he has no desire to be saved! you can keep throwing him life preservers and it's just gonna end up looking like a bad day at the ring toss booth. sometimes folks are a lot better at saving others than saving themselves.

at one time you said "i need help" and he said "then i will help you" - he hasn't asked for any help. yet. that you may have to put some distance between you due to his behaviors is NOT giving up on him, it's taking the very best care of the gift he gave you.....a chance.

[getrealordie]

Epiphany00, recently got on ur friend's list.anyone who tells u to stay involved with a still addicted,alcoholic,is co signing ur bull-9898...see we have a character defect called co dependency.we base our feelings on the results of other's actions.i promise u he'll get u high before u get him clean.baby stay like close,close to a sponser and people and read pgs.30,31,60,and 61 in the big book.take care and pray.......

[Epiphany00]

After he got really drunk Tuesday night and made me miserable, I had to talk to him the next day. Tuesday was a bad night. The whole night he was pissed off and mean. He started with free wine he got from work, then drank all the beer. Then went to bourbon, and then on to everclear. I talked to him about it Wednesday morning, I woke up crying and I think that got his attention a little bit, I'm not sure. He hasn't drank in 2 days, and things have been good. I don't know how long it's going to last. I don't want to get my hopes up again! I don't want to sit around waiting for him to drink again, I want to believe in him but I don't want to get my hopes up again.

[robina]

Ahh, the misery of living with an alcoholic - sooner or later you'll learn that the disease of alcoholism is way too powerful for you.
Hopefully you will learn this before his disease chips away any more at your own peace and serenity.
Hopefully, you will learn this before you marry the guy and end up in living hell.
I'm being really blunt here but that was exactly what I needed to hear when I was losing myself, constantly obsessing about a loved one's drinking. It is a horrible, confused place to be. I wasn't thinking clearly because I was always worried about the alcoholic.
It was only when I started going to 2-3 alanon meetings a week that I actually started getting better.

[Freedom1990]

Take it from an old gal who threw 4 years of recovery out the window because I wasn't going to 'give up' on someone - it was not worth it, and he couldn't have cared less that I went down the tubes with him.