I need an opionion..........

[Lawless]

It's a bit of a long one sorry,

Back in may my GF began drinking to the point of becoming an A. During the next 6 months she began spending every other night in a local bar staying till it closed. I began to hear some things about her antics there and I decided to attend this bar and see for myself just what was going on.

it turns out that she has been getting guys numbers and going for beers with them etc. but with holding this information from me.

I told her at the time that I wasn't going to tolerate this kind of thing and her drinking was gonna have to stop for me to carry on with our relationship.

So she stops, goes to an addictions counselor etc. Pretty soon she's back at it again, again I tell her this has got to end and it does for a time.

On OCT 31 she blows me off to go to that bar yet again and I end things the next day. A week later she calls and asks me if we could be together if she chooses healthy activities instead of this bar, I reluctantly agree and make plans to take her on a trip to see a band that she has wanted to see forever.

The week before the trip she eases back into drinking again and I see bad things on the horizon. We attend the bar the night before the concert and she seems to be going out of her way to interact with one of the guys who she had been drinking with. I called her on it in front of her drinking buddies. I told her it was making me very uncomfortable and I would feel better if she smoked in a different area than this guy was in. She told me to basically suck it up.

That night she told me to take my ticket and shove it up my ass, she wasn't going. I decided to end things with her at that point, she is now XAGF That was a week ago and I haven't heard from her until tonight.

She called and was freaking out that I left without her and that I was an A myself. So many horrible things she said, she told me to watch my back and that things were in motion for her to pay me back. I told her that none of this would have happened if she wasn't drinking and especially if she hadn't insisted on being around that guy.

She honestly thinks that going out to the bar and sneaking around with some guys from there is perfectly acceptable.


My question is this.

Is she projecting, quacking or what? She tried to turn everything around and make me out to be the bad guy. Is this a normal occurrence when the relationship with an A comes to an end?

I kinda felt bad after talking to her but now after typing this I am alot better.

[freya]

....sounds to me like she is projecting, quacking, displacing, manipulating, etc...etc...etc...and all of this is absolutely typical for and alcoholic who's lifestyle (and therewith the ease with which she can engage in her addictive behavior) is being threatened in any way...and it won't change unless/until she has a significant level of recovery.

The good news is you seem to be pretty clear about the fact that you don't want to be part of this kind of life and you don't like being played in this way -- and no sane person would. So, trust yourself and your own sense of reality and your own feelings about what is going on and do what you need to do not to let yourself be sucked back in to her sick life -- even if it means an extended period of absolutely no contact...which, in my experience, is often what it takes to convince an active A that you are really done playing her game and she needs to look for another hostage.

freya

[Lawless]

Freya,

Thanks for that, it was what I thought all along, the only thing I don't understand is that my leaving her should allow her to drink 24 / 7. The only thing that I can think of is that when we did go out for drinks it was I who paid the tab 95% of the time. I suppose she might be angry that her free beer has run out.

She should be more than happy to be rid of the "controlling, immature a-hole boyfriend"

I know what needs to be done and I know all about NC. I hope she finds someone to drink with soon and leave me alone.

[GiveLove]

Ditto everything freya said (who is evidently a mind reader this morning)

I'd stop taking her calls and stop listening to her voicemails/texts/emails whatever, lawless. She had the best of both worlds before, you know? You paid for things, she could do what she wanted, but you were always there for her to fall back on if she got too unhappy. She has lost her enabler now, and until she finds a new one to manipulate, she may keep at you.

I admire how you think - keep on protecting yourself from this madness. Who needs it?

[tommyk]

Lawless, doe she make it sound like it's all YOUR fault, and that she is a 'victim' of what YOU'VE done to her?

Exit, stage left.

[Lawless]

Originally Posted by tommyk

Lawless, doe she make it sound like it's all YOUR fault, and that she is a 'victim' of what YOU'VE done to her?

Exit, stage left.

She does make it out to be everyone's fault but her own, she isn't overly picky about who she blames everything on as long as she places the blame away from herself.

I will say though that when she has been off the beer for a few days that she will admit to screwing everything up and will take on the blame. When she does that she soon runs off to hide in a bottle.

[prodigal]

Originally Posted by Lawless

Is she projecting, quacking or what? She tried to turn everything around and make me out to be the bad guy. Is this a normal occurrence when the relationship with an A comes to an end?

Yes, yes, and yes. I've never met an active addict who isn't a master at the turning-tables manuever. The ending of the relationship is not "normal" but what you experienced is what generally occurs.

[mle-sober]

Run, don't walk. Don't look back.

None of what she is doing is in any way your fault. None of it, in fact, has anything to do with you.

The only reason I'd even think about it again would be if you see a pattern in terms of what kind of relationships you find yourself in. Then, it might be worth looking at why. But if this is an anomolie (sp?) just get out of the way and let her own little hurricane pass you by.

Good luck. Stay strong.

[jennygirl73]

I am probably not the best person to give advice, and am just starting to realize a lot of things. But, my AH gets drunk away from home, stays home the next night and does nothing but lay on the couch and complain. So I am short, sarcastic and resentful. Then he goes out the next night because I haven't been nice. He will pick a fight with me so that he has a "reason" to go do it again. Times when I know that I am right, his alcohol addled brain finds a way to make me wrong. I thought these things only happened in my house. After finding this site, I now know that it's not just us. It's what alcoholics do. Makes me wonder how it's even still legal!!

[Daisy30]

Originally Posted by Lawless

She does make it out to be everyone's fault but her own, she isn't overly picky about who she blames everything on as long as she places the blame away from herself.

I will say though that when she has been off the beer for a few days that she will admit to screwing everything up and will take on the blame. When she does that she soon runs off to hide in a bottle.

yep...sounds very familiar!

It is ALWAYS someone elses fault...because if it is theirs...then they have to stop drinking....and well they aren't ready

there are those moments of clarity but they have to hit their bottom first...and that can take a looooong time ((()))