Need advice re Christmas...

[Franticwife]

Hi all! I've just discovered this forum so I still trying to find my way around. It's so amazing to read other people's experiences and realise they are exactly the same as what I've been going thru. I hope someone can help me solve my current problem:

I've been married to a "periodic alcoholic" for 6 years (known him for 11). I say "periodic" because he is still able to work 15 hours a day and during the week he is pretty sober and decent (despite 4-6 cans of beer and a couple of red wines every night). Weekends are a different story of course! However, every couple of months he has a really big binge where he becomes abusive, nasty, bullying, manipulative, etc, etc (all the classic symptoms I've been reading on this forum). Of course, up till now I realise I've just been "enabling" him, making excuses, covering up, driving him around, etc. The crunch came a week ago when we attended a motorcycle rally and he managed to completely write himself off and abuse not only the few last remaining friends we have but also my sister and her husband (and me of course). Of course I made the usual threat of leaving him and actually moved out for 3 days, while he just sat at home knowing I'd return. And then acted like there was no problem and refused to discuss his drinking.

The problem is this: We had made arrangements to spend Christmas Day with my sisters and father and now I just don't know what to do. Should I risk going, with everybody knowing what happened and being nervous all day that someone (probably AH) will bring up the rally and start an argument, or give Christmas Day a miss and "let him get away with it"? On the one hand I risk upsetting my family and ruining their Christmas, but on the other hand if we don't go it will create a big ongoing rift in the family and also I guess "enable" him once again by saving him the embarrassment of facing everyone

Any advice appreciated. (BTW - I AM starting counselling this week and am trying to find an AlAnon meeting I can go to.)

[TTOSBT]

Welcome FC!
I am a recovering alcoholic so I am really not the one that should be giving advice
but I will just say that if I were you, I would plan on going and I would tell the hubby that I would rather he NOT go because you would be more comfortable without him being there (possibly drinking and definitely stirring up bad feelings). But that is just me. You should not miss out on Christmas but if he refuses to deal with his problem, then I would refuse to deal with him under those circumstances. MOO

[denny57]

There are options. Can you go alone? You say you risk upsetting your family if you don't go, but would you be upset? Is this something you can discuss with them?

In my case, I found out that I had built up other people's reactions to a greater intensity than what actually finally happened.

Good luck!

[Jack2000]

Hey there!! Welcome to SR!!

I think that you should go to Christmas with your family. That is what it's all about. I think that you need to set some ground rules and let him know what you expect of him during your visit so that you avoid any arguing or issues at Christmas. Then I would start dealing with problems head on after Christmas. I don't mean to sound like you should procrastinate but it is the holiday season and it is a very hard time to start dealing with such deep issues during such a happy/busy time. But you definitly need to deal with them. Hope this helps!

Jack

[Franticwife]

Thanks TTOSBT. Unfortunately we will be travelling to our country property (7 hours away) and had planned to stop for Christmas dinner and overnight at my sister's place on the way, so I can't really go without him. The other complication is that HIS mother will be joining us for a week at our property in the new year, so I kinda feel like "Why should you get to see your family at Christmas if I have to miss out on seeing mine because of your behaviour?" We would ALL be more comfortable of course if he wasn't there, but I have spoken to my sister and she says she will warn everyone not to mention the bike rally. Horrible isn't it? We usually spend all our time alone 'cause there's just nowhere left I can take him for fear of embarrassing scenes - we've been banned from half a dozen pubs in Sydney, wouldn't dare go out to a restaurant, wouldn't dream of inviting him to a work function, won't let him babysit the grandkids, etc, etc. But I'm sure everyone on this site can relate to all that!

[Bernadette]

Hiya frantic--

but I have spoken to my sister and she says she will warn everyone not to mention the bike rally.

Why are you all making an effort to protect this person from the consequences of his own behavior? This is serious active enabling and for me engaging in this kind of behavior on behalf of my alcoholic brothers made ME sick (and miserable!).

I would arrange for rides to get to my sister's by myself and if you want to go up to the country and see him and his mother arrange for a ride there, or give it a miss and let he and his mom have some quality time together!

You describe him as a "periodic" drunk. He is just in a certain stage of alcoholism, not unique at all, and alcoholism is a progressive disease - meaning things will only get worse - so change is coming whether you make it happen (by taking care of you, starting maybe by enjoying a serene X-mas w/ your family) or you keep enabling him and the change comes in the form of his progressively worse alcoholism and behavior, and your progressively more intense misery.

It's just the worst time of year! It is sad to think you have to be in this position - feeling like you can do no right! But maybe just let it all go a little - do something out of the box and trust the process of life--like Denny said, I definitely used to build up and awfulize what I imagined would happen if I did X, Y or Z. Often I was surprised that people are way more aware and understanding of my decisions - and that I really only have to make sure ONE person is Ok with my choice and that's ME!

I see you are in NSW-- Maybe get away to beautiful Queensland by yourself and lay in the sun!! ;-)

Good luck frantic and (((hugs)))
Peace-
B.

[Franticwife]

Yes, yes, you are all so right! And thanks everyone. I've got lots to learn about this "enabling" thing. I only heard the word for the first time on Monday. I am really going to try very hard to make him start being responsible for his own actions. I used to drive him everywhere on weekends 'cause he would still be over the limit from the night before; but I have made it very clear that I won't be doing that in future (just hope I can stick by my guns when the time comes). I'll go to the family Christmas (with him) and if he disgraces himself, well it'll be on his shoulders, not mine - and I won't be making excuses for him or defending him either!

PS: "Quality time with his mother" LOL. They are already too close and she is his biggest "enabler". "My son wouldn't do that! You're just exaggerating." (LOL)

[FormerDoormat]

Why give him the opportunity to disgrace himself? He's an alcoholic. He'll drink. That's a given. And once he takes that first drink, he won't be able to control himself, his actions, or his mouth.

The only way I could ensure that my exAB wouldn't disgrace himself in front of my family was to go without him. If I gave him a chance to ruin my holiday, he'd do it.

It's your choice to bring him to your holiday functions. But I've learned that each choice I make, each action I take has consequences. Today I choose the path of least resistance; others call it the path of serenity.

Unfortunately we will be travelling to our country property (7 hours away) and had planned to stop for Christmas dinner and overnight at my sister's place on the way, so I can't really go without him.

BTW, what does this have to do with not being able to go without him?

[FormerDoormat]

I think that you need to set some ground rules and let him know what you expect of him during your visit so that you avoid any arguing or issues at Christmas.

Just had to respond to this one. Since when did "ground rules" work for an alcoholic? That will never happen. The only thing I've come to expect from active alcoholics is that they'll drink.

[Franticwife]

Originally Posted by FormerDoormat

BTW, what does this have to do with not being able to go without him?

Because we're going away to the property for 4 weeks holiday and he'll be driving the car. We planned to stop overnight at my sisters and have dinner with them.

[FormerDoormat]

Can't you drive?

[Franticwife]

Of course, but he'll still be in the car. Perhaps I'm not explaining myself properly. We are going away on holiday together. The problem is whether to stop at my sister's or just drive on thru to the property.

[Barbara52]

What FD is suggesting is take 2 cars. It gives you a whole lot more options to not enable, to not be in the midst of his drinking and the associated problems. Its a very clear way of saying to him "I won't have my actions dictated by your drinking." Is that a possibility?

[denny57]

I misunderstood - I didn't realize it was 4 weeks holiday. If I were only worried about the 1 day, I'd probably skip that part; unless it was my only chance all year to see my sister.

[embraced2000]

after all the experiences with my xah, i would go it alone and have a wonderful time.







what you are describing is being on edge, being tense, walking on eggshellf just for the alcoholic. pashaw!

call me hard nosed, but a much better time can be had minus the alcoholic.

has he earned the right to participate in a positive manner on a special occasion?

when i think of the numerous special occassions that were ruined by my xah, i just shudder.

i began just leaving him home......told him to make his own plans.

jmho

[FormerDoormat]

Four weeks holed up with an alcoholic. Traveling in one car. No way in or out without the alcoholic. Sounds like a blast to me. Yep, just the way I'd choose to spend my month-long holiday--NOT!!

[Franticwife]

Now you got it, FormerDoormat!

Well OK, I guess I am a sucker for punishment, but we all live in hope don't we? I am just desperately trying to keep up some sort of normality for my own sake. And the annual holiday is part of that. I suppose the one hopeful part is that when his mother joins us for a week he will have to curtail the drinking to a reasonable level. (Amazing how a woman can see her son once a fortnight for 30 odd years and still deny that he has a drinking problem!) So as much as I'm dreading her arrival, it could give me some peace for a few days.

[ToughChoices]

What do you want to do, Frantic?
Keeping in mind that you can't "make" anyone else behave, what kind of day would you enjoy?
Would it bother you terribly if he drank and made a ruckus?
Could you shrug it off, leave him be, and enjoy the time with your family?

There are women in my AlAnon group who live with active A's and have full rich lives. They visit family, go on vacations, and enjoy holiday celebrations.

I don't think that they've figured out some trick to get their alcoholics to behave themselves. I think they've figured out how to live joyfully and take care of their needs in spite of their partner's sickness.

-TC

[FormerDoormat]

I don't live in hope anymore, FranticWife. I live in the now--in reality. It makes life much easier, more enjoyable, and more peaceful.

Nobody can make an alcoholic curtain their drinking. Hoping his mother will have the power to keep him in check is magical thinking.

How much is a month of your life worth to you? You have the power to choose a month of peace and quiet or a month of chaos and disappointment. The choice is yours.

[prodigal]

Originally Posted by Franticwife

Well OK, I guess I am a sucker for punishment, but we all live in hope don't we? I am just desperately trying to keep up some sort of normality for my own sake. And the annual holiday is part of that.

Suckers for punishment aren't living with hope; they're living with despair. And more punishment. Don't get me wrong, I hope my AH finds sobriety someday, but I'm not pinning my plans, my life, or my future on it.

I tried to hold together this mess-of-a-marriage for a long time. Then I realized when I was on a week's vacation with my AH just how volatile and unpredictable he became on vacations.

Vacations and holidays are his triggers. I never knew what to expect, other than to expect the unexpected.

The last time I went anywhere with my AH was February '07. I don't even get in a car with him unless it's absolutely necessary - like driving me home from the hospital after surgery last year.

I wish you well, but trying to make "normal" with external situations, doesn't fix the internal turmoil. It just puts a coat of varnish over it.

I hope for your sake that he doesn't go off during your four-week holiday. And I agree with the suggestion of taking two cars. Just from my own experience, I would not be caught dead with my AH unless I was sure I had a means of escape!

[denny57]

I understand the living in hope at 6 years. Probably around year 12 I started to give up living in hope and just wanted to stay the course. In year 18 I got divorced.

That was my experience. My opinion is that unless he acknowledges and addresses the problem, there is no reason to hope things will magically get better. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.

[Franticwife]

Originally Posted by ToughChoices

What do you want to do, Frantic?
Keeping in mind that you can't "make" anyone else behave, what kind of day would you enjoy?
Would it bother you terribly if he drank and made a ruckus?
Could you shrug it off, leave him be, and enjoy the time with your family?

There are women in my AlAnon group who live with active A's and have full rich lives. They visit family, go on vacations, and enjoy holiday celebrations.

I don't think that they've figured out some trick to get their alcoholics to behave themselves. I think they've figured out how to live joyfully and take care of their needs in spite of their partner's sickness.

-TC

Thanks for that TouchChoices - a bit of hope amongst a sea of negativity.

[LaTeeDa]

I don't see it as a "sea of negativity" but rather a sea of reality. You know already what to expect. You've seen what can and will happen. You can choose whether you want to be a part of it or not.

L

[prodigal]

When I first came to this board, I often read into what people had to say about the sad reality of alcoholism as negativity on their part. It also made me angry. I realized, in time, that when I got angry at the responses it was because they were hitting a nerve, and that nerve often hit a lot of truth. Truth that I was not willing to face.

We have a saying in Al-Anon, "take what you need and leave the rest."

[FormerDoormat]

Thanks for that TouchChoices - a bit of hope amongst a sea of negativity

It's interesting to note that you describe reality as something that's negative. I've learned my choice of words reveal a lot about me and my way of thinking. Here's how I used to think: fairy tales--good, reality--bad.

That type of thinking got me into loads of trouble and landed me right here on SR with many other former magical thinkers.