Separation Help

[JACKRUSSELLGIRL]

Hello All,

I told my AH that I wanted to separate until he gets sober. He said he will go to AA and counseling. I said that is fine and once you get sober, we can talk then but we need to separate until you actually get sober. He says I am being unreasonable and that the reason I want a separation is that I have a boyfriend. Oh ya, between taking care of the kids, house and working, I have time for that. Plus after all the BS with you, that is the last thing on my mind.

So he is obviously going to make this difficult. Has anyone else dealt with this and how do you get a separation from them??? Better yet, how do you live under the same roof with them with all this tension?

Thanks!

[Still Waters]

No, I left instead. Sigh, it always has to be something other than their drinking doesn't it? Boyfriend on the side, you're selfish, whiny, lazy, etc. Never ever them.

I've got no good advice, I'm sorry.

[MissFixit]

I was told that I was unreasonable too. For years he was paranoid about and told his freinds that I was probably seeing another man (I wasn't). I was also accused of wanting to live off his money and be a "country club wife" as I wanted to stay home with potential children when they were babies. (I am in business school and have always intended to work upon graduation as I have done since I was 19).

He hasn't worked or held a driver's license in 3 1/2 years. He cheated on me over the summer and left me for the woman this fall.

His quacking and accusations turned out to be HIS issues, not mine.

[Susan67]

My husband also accuses me of having a boyfriend, always checking my phone for call from men that he doesn't know. Anyway, I asked him to leave last week Monday. He's what you call a dry drunk. It was 3 years ago today he got his 4th DUI. Happy Anniversary to when my life changed for the worst. I've stuck by his side for the past 3 years, making it easy for him to get through these troubling times, so he didn't feel like a failure. It took everything away from me, I didn't take care of myself. Now I'm burned out to the point where I don't even want to look at him. He doesn't get it. Just got off the phone with him and he asked if I'm feeling better and do I want him to come home. I told him NO. IF he were to come back right now, things would be chaos the minute he walked thru the door because he isn't willing to change. He still dabbles with alcohol and weed. He doesn't understand how working the AA program will fix or change anything. He doesn't like going to meetings. So, I'm left to make all the changes and unfortunately it doesn't include him in my life. I go see my counselor tomorrow.
It's not easy in fact, it's the hardest decision I have ever had to make. A decision for my own sanity and happiness.
Yesterday's topic was detachment. Oh so fitting for me!

[hadenoughnow]

My ex refused to separate, once I made it clear that we were headed for divorce if he did not get help and sober up (and leave our home while getting said help) he became obsessed with staying together and did all kinds of fun stuff like:

refused to go to detox and detoxed at home, twice (against the advice of his SA counselor)

took my house keys (then denied it)

hid in the bathroom for hours to drink

told our 13 year old son and my relatives that I was having an affair

told me he "would never leave" and that he was going to throw me out, then tried to leave at 11 pm drunk with our son (I am not a person who is fond of drunken power plays, this was the final nail in the coffin for him)

I filed for divorce and told him that one way or the other HE was leaving (since I was paying the house payment), either voluntarily or the police would be making him leave. I gave him 21 days to show me he had a place to go or I was going to get a restraining order (I was willing to lie to get it and told him not to underestimate me because I was willing to do ANYTHING to get him out).

Seriously if I had to do it all over again I would have just filed and thrown him out and not wasted any more of mine or our son's life giving him another chance.

[Wascally Wabbit]

Keep your boat steady in the waves and you'll get through it.
Remember that alcoholics need someone to take care of them. In his eyes you are being "unreasonable" because you are not going to be taking care of him.
Alanon is about taking care of ourselves. And that's exactly what you're doing.

[ToughChoices]

My husband did not take it well when I told him that I wanted to separate.
He ranted and raved and completely freaked.

He wouldn't move out.
He wanted FULL custody of our son.
He refused to admit that his alcoholism was a part of the problem.

I had a pretty upsetting few days, but, eventually, things calmed down.
I just kept doing the next right thing for me (and my son), in spite of his quacking.
I saw a lawyer, rented a house, and drew up separation papers.

My husband and I are amicable today, and we live separately. We take care of our son together, and we get along well.

I really didn't expect that this would be the case based on his initial response - you never know how things will turn out!

Take care.
-TC

[Jazzman]

Ugh... It was hell for about 9 months from the point I was emotionally separated until she moved out. I exercised a lot, went to therapy, all my friends had an ear full. I don't envy you but it does get better. Try Alanon, post away. I had not found SR until the worst was behind me, I would have taken advantage of it.

I had to file for divorce and have her served. I was ready to file for sole use of the marital home but she finally moved out before I pulled the trigger on that.

[Barbara52]

Originally Posted by JACKRUSSELLGIRL

how do you get a separation from them???

You go ahead with your plans and leave. Not easy but if you truly want to separate, there is nothing to hold you back. Perhaps consult with an attorney to make sure you don't jeopardize anything.

Originally Posted by JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Better yet, how do you live under the same roof with them with all this tension?

I couldn't which is in part why I did not let my xAH know I was indeed moving out until that morning. Oh I had told him numerous times the day was coming and that I couldn't take it anymore. But I did not say I am moving out on X day. I just did it.

[JACKRUSSELLGIRL]

I wish I could up and leave. Unfortunately, the girls are in school and I can not. They come first and it would be soooo muchhh easier if he just left. He is already starting with the "I'll go to AA and counseling". This BS does drain a person. They really do not get it when you have had enough! It is so frustrating at times.

Thanks for all the replies. I really appreciate all the input. I will try and keep busy, go to Al-anon and I am finding myself painting the house and doing odd projects around here. I guess I will look on the bright side, that my house will look better.

JRGirl

[anvilhead]

kids are pretty adaptable.....i'm not sure i'd let the fact that they are in school be my obstacle....you don't have to move to Mars, possibly not even out of the district. right now you are ALL living with an active alcoholic in your midst....THAT can't be pleasant or healthy for anyone.

[ToughChoices]

Originally Posted by anvilhead

kids are pretty adaptable.....i'm not sure i'd let the fact that they are in school be my obstacle....you don't have to move to Mars, possibly not even out of the district. right now you are ALL living with an active alcoholic in your midst....THAT can't be pleasant or healthy for anyone.

Right on.
Same school district for me. It's amazing what 3 miles distance can do for your sanity!

[JACKRUSSELLGIRL]

Yes, but HE is disrupting the house and my youngest ask me to please not move until she graduates in two years. She is a great kid, doesn't get into trouble and gets good grades. I feel it is unfair for her to have to be uprooted. I am trying to find a way to get him to move out.

[Stubborn1]

I packed all his shat and put it out in the driveway. When the cops came I told them that he had moved out two months ago and he's trying to get back in and this is not his resisdence any longer and they told him to leave.
Mine tried that "I'll get help and go to meetings" crap. Anything and everything I wanted to here. He's going to get mad because he may just realize that alcohol controls him and YOU are standing in his way of being with you and having alcohol. Be prepared for war.
You are so doing the right thing.
Just make sure you do not fake threats. Follow through, follow through......did I mention.....follow through. I promise you that you are going to get a fast education in manipulation, conning, bribery, promises...........Now he has lost control and he's not going to like you.
Stay tough!!!
So how do you get him out? Take his stuff somewhere, drop it off at the salvation army, his mom's house, his friends house......clean out your closet. Make no sign of him being there. Do not answer his calls, plan your life as if he were dead.
Protect yourself because they are unpredictable

[Daisy30]

I am really needing a separation too.....I have actually been dreaming about it. As we speak I am looking in the ads for an apartment. I KNOW he will not leave....we tried that...he just comes back.

I feel for your kids. ((()))

[Live]

I am not sure it is legal to dispose of another's personal property unless it has been abandoned.

[GiveLove]

Originally Posted by JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Yes, but HE is disrupting the house and my youngest ask me to please not move until she graduates in two years. She is a great kid, doesn't get into trouble and gets good grades. I feel it is unfair for her to have to be uprooted. I am trying to find a way to get him to move out.

Again, you might consider moving and staying in the same district. No uprooting required. And that's two years your daughter won't have to relive as an adult child of an alcoholic (did I mention I am one?)

Good luck!