Tips for First Alanon meeting - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

jennygirl73 · 12-02-2008, 01:05 PM

Does anyone have any suggestions, or tips on getting myself out of my car and walking inside for a meeting? It's absolutely overwhelming me. I tried to go to a meeting for the 2nd time today, and I just can't seem to get myself out of the car. Even your stories about the first time you went would help me. I don't even know what to expect when I get in there. It's easier to post here, as it's faceless and I don't have to worry about any of you actually seeing me cry.

anvilhead · 12-02-2008, 01:09 PM

baby steps. you got as far AS the meeting, so that's progress!!!

remember the purpose of AlAnon - for people JUST LIKE YOU, who were probably scared spitless they're first handful of meetings too. and while the names might be different, they're really just US, only lifesize.

Susan67 · 12-02-2008, 01:18 PM

Girl, you don't have to be afraid to cry! I still remember my first meeting, I was so scared. I told myself, everyone here in this room is here because of a loved one who is an alcoholic or addict. We all share something. I was made to feel welcome and I am so ever grateful I went and still keep going back because it's like my medicine for my sanity. I cried my first time, still will shed a tear from time to time. And guess what? I'm not the only one who is saddened by this disease, others cry there too. It's a great tool to have, going to Alanon. If anything, just go and listen. Taking the first step is the hardest but you only have to take baby steps until you are ready to get to where you need to be. It took me 3 years to finally say "ENOUGH" and it's not going to get better overnight. Alanon is there for me to help me through each new step I face.
I wish you all the best and hope you can make it to a meeting.

denny57 · 12-02-2008, 01:20 PM

If you can get out of the car, try standing by the door. Someone will probably start chatting with you. I try to do that when I notice a newcomer.

When someone asked me, "first meeting?" I started crying, so that was a good start LOL!! I went in and cried the whole time - I am not exaggerating. I can't explain it, but it felt so good being there, crying, that I went back again and again. I happened to do a "90 in 90" which isn't possible for everyone, but I do believe that by going as often as possible in the beginning it helped me enormously.

Good luck - just don't give up!!!

Bernadette · 12-02-2008, 01:21 PM

Bring a wad of tissues in your pocket!!!

Crying is normal at early AlAnon meetings.

I bawled my eyes out at probably my first 7 meetings. No one seemed shocked and no one invaded my privacy (I didn't share I just listened).

I just kept going. I had a lot of meetings to choose from so I was traipsing all over the city for about a month until I found 2 meetings I really "clicked" with and attended regularly.

If you just keep driving yourself there - I believe eventually you will get out and walk in. Just keep trying and know that you do not walk alone!!

I've been in your shoes - and I can't describe the enormity of the feeling of relief that washed over me when I finally sat in those meetings....like a waterfall in the desert.

What's keeping you in the car?
Fear?
Shame?
Pride?
Denial?

In AlAnon you will find the tools to stop letting those feelings have a stranglehold over your progress, your dreams, your beautiful life!

Even just to get your hands on some of that great AlAnon literature - it will be such a relief.

Courage jennygirl!!!

Peace-B.

***cmc*** · 12-02-2008, 01:59 PM

I don't have a handy tip, but will say that once there I knew I wanted to come back and I also wished I had gone earlier because I needed to be with others like myself.
Go for it.

LucyA · 12-02-2008, 02:27 PM

Just do it, I've only been to one but it was the best experience I've ever had so far (work has kept me away since, but I'm definately going back asap) the people were so welcoming, they knew exactly where I was (lost, scared, worried everything else you can think of) and they'd all been there before me. They didn't ask me to speak, just made it very clear I could pass if I wanted, which I did. I felt so at home there I just can't wait to get back, and I somehow know that the next time will be just as welcoming and easy going. I hope you can do it soon.

jennygirl73 · 12-02-2008, 02:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bernadette

What's keeping you in the car?
Fear?
Shame?
Pride?
Denial?

I am afraid for people to see me as weak, I am afraid that they will see how I have failed. Part of me is afraid that they will help me, part of me is afraid that they won't. I am very embarassed at being in this position. I guess I am also scared to admit that my husband really does have a problem, and I am afraid to let go and let it be HIS problem. I am so used to it making problems for me. I have very little self-confidence at this time, but I have unfounded self-pride. I am afraid to ask for help out loud. I can type, but I can't talk. I am so sick and tired of being scared but it seems to be my most prevalent emotion. I hate crying, but it seems like I cry several times every day now. I'm a mess!

equinessa · 12-02-2008, 02:56 PM

Jennygirl, I can tell you it probably took me four years of looking at the al-anon notice in the local paper for me to finally make the phone call to find out the address. Then probably another three months before I finally walked in the room. Coming from a small town and being a health professional, made me feel so exposed. I was given an address and when I stumbled in the door with tears blurring my vision, who was there to greet me? A colleague. With a wry grin on her face she put her arms around me and said "What took you so long?".

What I'm getting at is that the people in the rooms of al-anon already know what it's like to be where we are. I thought my story was unique. But they knew all about the shame, the self-degrading behaviours, the self-deceipt, the emotional roller-coaster rides, anxiety.....all of it . Nothing surprised or shocked them. In a way hearing their stories "pardoned" me from my own punitive judgement of myself. I will never forget those gentle smiles, or their twinkling eyes filled with a kind of wisdom and calm. I was home, safe and sound at last.

**GiveLove** · 12-02-2008, 03:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jennygirl73

I am afraid for people to see me as weak, I am afraid that they will see how I have failed. Part of me is afraid that they will help me, part of me is afraid that they won't. I am very embarassed at being in this position. I guess I am also scared to admit that my husband really does have a problem, and I am afraid to let go and let it be HIS problem. I am so used to it making problems for me. I have very little self-confidence at this time, but I have unfounded self-pride. I am afraid to ask for help out loud. I can type, but I can't talk. I am so sick and tired of being scared but it seems to be my most prevalent emotion. I hate crying, but it seems like I cry several times every day now. I'm a mess!

Ah, jennygirl, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wouldn't ever ask for help either - I STILL have a problem with it, but I am better for my Al-Anon experience. I did the things denny suggests. The first couple of times I made it as far as the parking lot. Then I got to the door once (like, "tag, you're it" and made a mad dash back to the car). Then I decided I was just going to sit in the back of the room and not say anything. Brought lots of kleenex to press to my face so people couldn't see me. That was the hardest of all - the actually going in the room - but I convinced myself to do it as "research" that would help me to change (read: control) my alcoholic sisters' and boyfriend's behavior

And, well, after that it was such a huge relief to be in a room full of people who knew EXACTLY what I was going through, and who all had the same reluctance I did about getting help, I looked forward to it every week. I felt so much better afterwards, every single time.

I also got a little bit of personal counseling at the same time, and that helped me a lot with my courage. That didn't qualify as asking for help because I was paying him, so I could get it past my internal filters. I realized too that I'd been carefully taught by my upbringing that crying was weak, wrong, embarrassing - when, if it weren't a normal/natural function, we humans would never have evolved to do it, would we??? I know now that it serves a purpose for me - to relieve that pressure that builds and builds and makes me crazy.

Anyway, that's just what worked for me, maybe it will help you too. I was completely terrified at the thought of going to a meeting, but it didn't last.

Hugs,
GL

Bernadette · 12-02-2008, 04:08 PM

Yeah jennygirl, asking for help - not a codie strong point!!

Yet we all know nothing changes if nothing changes - so each little move you make in these uncomfortable directions will help you shed the old automatic way of reacting/thinking/believing and open the door to serenity and control over the only things you CAN control: your recovery, your choices, your happiness.

Asking for and - WORSE - accepting help were 2 things I had to learn how to do. They did not come naturally to me - in fact I renounced them as a sign of weakness. But my own best behavior and thinking at the time got me into a world of pain so I just stopped thinking "I know best" and went to AlAnon with an open mind and an open heart (and definitely open tear ducts at the beginning!).

My resistance to AlAnon gave me some parallel insight into how hard the struggle must have been for my father to find recovery, and how difficult it is for my brothers - to give up their alcohol, to ask for and accept help, to let go of their stubborn pride, try to work a program of recovery and follow directions and admit how bad things REALLY are. Because at the time- it seemed like I didn't want to give up my way of thinking...I resisted getting healthy! All that really changed when I worked at some of the stuff I learned in AlAnon...

Oh - the other thing I heard someone share this once at a meeting: If you can't walk into AlAnon for yourself- do it for the person who is in that meeting who is waiting to hear your story - who needs to hear what YOU have to say tonight.

That might appeal to the codependent in you long enough to get you in the door! Someone might need your help!! :-)
Peace-
B.

grewupinabarn · 12-02-2008, 06:10 PM

Hi Jennygirl,

Your experiences with alcoholism are very different from mine, but I have found that everyone finds healing and release at Alanon meetings.

The next time you go to a meeting, as you park your car, know and remember that the many good people here are with you and behind you.

Last weekend I went to a Saturday Alanon meeting and had not eaten since breakfast. Needless to say I was ravenous. But the hunger of the spirit was greater, so I went in.
It was another attendee's birthday and they had a very big cake!
Not the most nutritious dinner but my stomach was as satisfied as my soul when the meeting was over.

kaye · 12-02-2008, 06:29 PM

JennyGirl:

I'm 12 days into Alanon today. In the last 12 days I have attended 6 meetings. And I'm going to keep going back.

I posted about my first Alanon meeting and yep, I cried my way through it. In fact, I've cried in all 6 meetings I have attended. And nobody thinks that is strange at all!

Walking in the door the first time was soooo hard. Finally, I dared myself to get out of the car and go inside. I can't tell you how incredibly grateful I am that I did.

You can do it JennyGirl, I believe in you

Kaye

coyote21 · 12-02-2008, 07:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jennygirl73

I am so sick and tired of being scared but it seems to be my most prevalent emotion.

Mine was anger, I'm a guy and some of us think we aren't supposed to be afraid. Actually it was fear for me too.

A Cps judge sentenced me to Alanon when my Xaw and I were before her because my wife picked up our 4yo daughter drunk from daycare. Apparently my denial was obvious to her. She reminded me of judge Judy....only more scary.

My first Alanon meeting was a tremendous relief, to be surrounded by people who "get it". You see, I thought I was the only one going through this.

Maybe you could get a friend to go with you for moral support.

Good luck, and remember it took a tremendous amount of courage for all our "firsts". You will be so proud of yourself!

Thanks and God bless us all,

Coyote

sicilia1414 · 12-03-2008, 03:43 PM

Hi Jenny, I am right there with you....I am 3 days sober and planning on attending my first meeting tonight after work. It's 5.30 pm at the meeting is at 7.30

I am scared sh*tless! I have been so sick to my stomach all day I couldn't even eat. I am scared I am not going to like it. I am scared I am going to walk in and there will only be 4 poeple there, and they are all gonna stare at me. I am also scared I am going to walk in and there are going to be 100 people, and half of them I will know or will know me or my family.

Thank you all for all of your support and wonderful advice, I just hope that everyone there tonight is as awesome and nice as you all are on here....

equinessa · 12-04-2008, 04:52 PM

Hi Jennygirl.......................wondering how it's going? Have you got as far as the door yet. Just me being a busy body?

jennygirl73 · 12-04-2008, 06:19 PM

Equinessa,
I haven't been able to get away from work to try and go again. There is a meeting tomorrow at noon, and I am hoping to try that one again.
Strange week! Tuesday night, I came home with my daughter (3 1/2) after work, and AH was home. Sober too as far as I could tell. But angry! He decides that he is going to take our daughter to dinner, just the 2 of them. Well, she gets as far as the door and won't go without me. She starts crying and yelling "I wanna stay with mommy!" He tells her that mommy isn't invited. I try and calm her down, and tell her that it's okay, mommy isn't hungry. She won't have it. I resist the urge to say anything, and take her back upstairs. I know that had to have hurt him, but what can I say? If he had been home every night for the past 3 years instead of out drinking, maybe she would want to spend more time with him. She tells me that she doesn't like daddy all the time, and I know it's because when he is here, he isn't feeling well, and has a short fuse. He isn't violent, he just isn't very nice. I tell her that's not nice, that daddy loves her.
So! Last night, I had the opportunity to go for a nice dinner. Cap One is one of my lenders at work, and the rep was in town and invited me to dinner. Work dinner, but free food! I never get to go because of my AH. So this time I decided to go. Well after I dropped off our daughter here at home, as I was leaving, AH started being very nasty and accusing me of cheating on him! He was so serious. I would never cheat, have never cheated and have never even thought about cheating. He was so serious! I cannot believe that he has allowed himself to believe this lie! Why would you talk yourself into believing that your wife is cheating on you? Why would you internalize that painful horrible lie? I really don't get it.
However, since I have been reading so much about his alcoholism, I knew it was a classic behavior for an alcoholic. I realized that he was simply trying to get me upset before dinner so that I either would back out and not go, or that I would go and be miserable.
I am trying to not take all of this so personally. It's just so hard! Where in the jolly-ranchers did my husband go?

denny57 · 12-04-2008, 06:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jennygirl73

I realized that he was simply trying to get me upset before dinner so that I either would back out and not go, or that I would go and be miserable.

Or trying to stay in denial about his own problem. It was never about me all along. Hope you enjoyed the dinner.

Bernadette · 12-04-2008, 06:30 PM

I realized that he was simply trying to get me upset before dinner so that I either would back out and not go, or that I would go and be miserable.

Exactly -- quack quack quack!

It's a fairly common topic at AlAnon meetings - how to detach. Detachment allows you to create the space for yourself so that you can continue to do what YOU want and need to do and own those experiences (i.e. have a good time) just for you just for that day....it takes practice and focus- but it can be done!

I hope you went to dinner and had a good time.

Where in the jolly-ranchers did my husband go?
Yeah its so sad but alcoholism is like a kidnapping - and yet the alcoholic holds the ransom too - they DO have a choice to ask for help, to choose sobriety and recovery...it is entirely their own choice to make each day.

I spent a long time (years and years!!) wondering where did my brothers go? Where were my sweet, fun, intelligent, protective, gentle men??? I ached for their return from the depths of the bottle. When I started detaching and getting healthier and turned my thinking around I paid more attention to where they were going. To who they are today. The past was so far gone by the time I accepted it -- I probably wouldn't have recognized them if they had suddenly returned to their old selves! I am such a dreamer - I have to really make an effort to stay in today and in REALITY - everything is more manageable and less painful when I'm dealing with the reality of how things are NOW.

Peace-
B.

jennygirl73 · 12-04-2008, 06:42 PM

I like that ducky, pretty darn cute.
AH just got home and texted me from the basement. He wants me to come see him so we can talk about it. I think he has been drinking, and I wonder if he is finally going to apologize to me, and if so will I find the strength to not cave in!! I wonder if he has divorce papers or something. I know if he has been drinking that I should walk away... right??
I have to get our daughter settled and to bed first, and I replied that I would be down after I got her to bed, and asked if he was going to be mean to me.

I am tired of him being so mean! I sound like a kid, huh?

ToughChoices · 12-04-2008, 06:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jennygirl73

I know if he has been drinking that I should walk away... right??

I don't know what you should do -
BUT
I've never had a pleasant, fruitful, comforting conversation with my husband when he was drunk. Especially if we were trying to discuss something emotional or difficult.

You have every right to say, "I'm willing to talk to you, but now is not a good time for me. Can we set a date for tomorrow morning?"
Or something to that effect.

He doesn't get to decide when the two of you discuss things. You get a say in it, too.

**GiveLove** · 12-04-2008, 06:57 PM

I have a tendency not to respond to people who text me from another room in my own house (too -whatever- to walk a flight of stairs to talk to me?)

But I think that's because I'm old. Or cranky. Or both.

You don't have to suffer meanness in your own home. And TC's right -- I've NEVER had a useful conversation with someone who was drunk. Ever.

jennygirl73 · 12-04-2008, 08:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ToughChoices

I don't know what you should do -
BUT
I've never had a pleasant, fruitful, comforting conversation with my husband when he was drunk. Especially if we were trying to discuss something emotional or difficult.

You have every right to say, "I'm willing to talk to you, but now is not a good time for me. Can we set a date for tomorrow morning?"
Or something to that effect.

He doesn't get to decide when the two of you discuss things. You get a say in it, too.

Well, that's an understatement. I am such a dummy. He actually thought that we could just live together, without being together. He was mean, he was hateful, he was more aggressive than I have ever seen him. He started out saying that he wanted whatever I wanted.. I told him that I wanted a loving family. He said that wasn't possible because I (?) didn't love him. I tired telling him that we couldn't work anything out while he was drunk. He said it was too bad, we were working this out tonight. He started to swear, and I tried to leave, I told him he couldn't talk to me like that. He kept grabbing my arm, our daughter heard us when I started crying and he just stood there taunting me, getting in my face. Telling me all of this was my fault. That "I" did this. He kept saying how I ruined his life and that I would ruin the life of any other man that might be stupid enough to end up with me. He kept saying that I was a liar, I was a cheater. He said how badly he wanted to hit me, but wouldn't because I was a girl.

So now he is passed out on the couch, and I am sitting here bawling with the door locked. He has told his family and half the town that I am a cheating liar (not exact words). I guess that I will be moving as soon as I find a place and can afford the deposit. Wait, I don't guess, I know. He cannot accept that he has a problem. I can't live like this. I won't let my daughter live like this. I have to fix me. I feel so... broken. This is so unbelievable, I cannot believe this is happening. How did I get here???????

Bernadette · 12-04-2008, 08:51 PM

Oh man. What an ugly scene. Sorry you are hurting right now....

How did I get here???????

A very very good question that you probably can't answer right this second.
Easy does it. Now is not the time to be hard on yourself. Gather your strength and courage.

I needed the help of a weekly counseling session to help me figure out the answers to questions like that after my divorce.

(((((hugs)))))
B.

jennygirl73 · 12-04-2008, 08:59 PM

I need a lawyer. I have to do this the right way, and I can't afford to make mistakes. I can't believe how scary he was. I think I am in shock.

12-02-2008, 01:05 PM	#1 (permalink)
jennygirl73 Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Birmingham, AL Posts: 62	Tips for First Alanon meeting Does anyone have any suggestions, or tips on getting myself out of my car and walking inside for a meeting? It's absolutely overwhelming me. I tried to go to a meeting for the 2nd time today, and I just can't seem to get myself out of the car. Even your stories about the first time you went would help me. I don't even know what to expect when I get in there. It's easier to post here, as it's faceless and I don't have to worry about any of you actually seeing me cry.

12-02-2008, 06:29 PM	#13 (permalink)
kaye Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: My side of the street Posts: 15	JennyGirl: I'm 12 days into Alanon today. In the last 12 days I have attended 6 meetings. And I'm going to keep going back. I posted about my first Alanon meeting and yep, I cried my way through it. In fact, I've cried in all 6 meetings I have attended. And nobody thinks that is strange at all! Walking in the door the first time was soooo hard. Finally, I dared myself to get out of the car and go inside. I can't tell you how incredibly grateful I am that I did. You can do it JennyGirl, I believe in you Kaye __________________ "Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow." - Helen Keller

12-04-2008, 06:57 PM	#22 (permalink)
GiveLove It comes back tenfold Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Stumbling toward happiness Posts: 3,801	I have a tendency not to respond to people who text me from another room in my own house (too -whatever- to walk a flight of stairs to talk to me?) But I think that's because I'm old. Or cranky. Or both. You don't have to suffer meanness in your own home. And TC's right -- I've NEVER had a useful conversation with someone who was drunk. Ever. __________________ "Tell me, what are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?" --Mary Oliver "Action is the antidote to despair." --Joan Baez "Tolerate, change, or be grateful." --Rickie Moore

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12-02-2008, 01:09 PM	#2 (permalink)
anvilhead Honorary Cheesehead Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Western Washington Posts: 9,215	baby steps. you got as far AS the meeting, so that's progress!!! remember the purpose of AlAnon - for people JUST LIKE YOU, who were probably scared spitless they're first handful of meetings too. and while the names might be different, they're really just US, only lifesize.

12-02-2008, 01:18 PM	#3 (permalink)
Susan67 Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: michigan Posts: 30	Girl, you don't have to be afraid to cry! I still remember my first meeting, I was so scared. I told myself, everyone here in this room is here because of a loved one who is an alcoholic or addict. We all share something. I was made to feel welcome and I am so ever grateful I went and still keep going back because it's like my medicine for my sanity. I cried my first time, still will shed a tear from time to time. And guess what? I'm not the only one who is saddened by this disease, others cry there too. It's a great tool to have, going to Alanon. If anything, just go and listen. Taking the first step is the hardest but you only have to take baby steps until you are ready to get to where you need to be. It took me 3 years to finally say "ENOUGH" and it's not going to get better overnight. Alanon is there for me to help me through each new step I face. I wish you all the best and hope you can make it to a meeting.

12-02-2008, 01:20 PM	#4 (permalink)
denny57 Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 5,078	If you can get out of the car, try standing by the door. Someone will probably start chatting with you. I try to do that when I notice a newcomer. When someone asked me, "first meeting?" I started crying, so that was a good start LOL!! I went in and cried the whole time - I am not exaggerating. I can't explain it, but it felt so good being there, crying, that I went back again and again. I happened to do a "90 in 90" which isn't possible for everyone, but I do believe that by going as often as possible in the beginning it helped me enormously. Good luck - just don't give up!!!

12-02-2008, 01:21 PM	#5 (permalink)
Bernadette Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Boston Posts: 1,352	Bring a wad of tissues in your pocket!!! Crying is normal at early AlAnon meetings. I bawled my eyes out at probably my first 7 meetings. No one seemed shocked and no one invaded my privacy (I didn't share I just listened). I just kept going. I had a lot of meetings to choose from so I was traipsing all over the city for about a month until I found 2 meetings I really "clicked" with and attended regularly. If you just keep driving yourself there - I believe eventually you will get out and walk in. Just keep trying and know that you do not walk alone!! I've been in your shoes - and I can't describe the enormity of the feeling of relief that washed over me when I finally sat in those meetings....like a waterfall in the desert. What's keeping you in the car? Fear? Shame? Pride? Denial? In AlAnon you will find the tools to stop letting those feelings have a stranglehold over your progress, your dreams, your beautiful life! Even just to get your hands on some of that great AlAnon literature - it will be such a relief. Courage jennygirl!!! Peace-B.

12-02-2008, 01:59 PM	#6 (permalink)
*cmc* Community Greeter Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: FL Posts: 11,445	I don't have a handy tip, but will say that once there I knew I wanted to come back and I also wished I had gone earlier because I needed to be with others like myself. Go for it.

12-02-2008, 02:27 PM	#7 (permalink)
LucyA my own self Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Manchester UK Posts: 630	Just do it, I've only been to one but it was the best experience I've ever had so far (work has kept me away since, but I'm definately going back asap) the people were so welcoming, they knew exactly where I was (lost, scared, worried everything else you can think of) and they'd all been there before me. They didn't ask me to speak, just made it very clear I could pass if I wanted, which I did. I felt so at home there I just can't wait to get back, and I somehow know that the next time will be just as welcoming and easy going. I hope you can do it soon.

12-02-2008, 02:56 PM	#9 (permalink)
equinessa Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Mudgee NSW Posts: 68	Jennygirl, I can tell you it probably took me four years of looking at the al-anon notice in the local paper for me to finally make the phone call to find out the address. Then probably another three months before I finally walked in the room. Coming from a small town and being a health professional, made me feel so exposed. I was given an address and when I stumbled in the door with tears blurring my vision, who was there to greet me? A colleague. With a wry grin on her face she put her arms around me and said "What took you so long?". What I'm getting at is that the people in the rooms of al-anon already know what it's like to be where we are. I thought my story was unique. But they knew all about the shame, the self-degrading behaviours, the self-deceipt, the emotional roller-coaster rides, anxiety.....all of it . Nothing surprised or shocked them. In a way hearing their stories "pardoned" me from my own punitive judgement of myself. I will never forget those gentle smiles, or their twinkling eyes filled with a kind of wisdom and calm. I was home, safe and sound at last.

12-02-2008, 04:08 PM	#11 (permalink)
Bernadette Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Boston Posts: 1,352	Yeah jennygirl, asking for help - not a codie strong point!! Yet we all know nothing changes if nothing changes - so each little move you make in these uncomfortable directions will help you shed the old automatic way of reacting/thinking/believing and open the door to serenity and control over the only things you CAN control: your recovery, your choices, your happiness. Asking for and - WORSE - accepting help were 2 things I had to learn how to do. They did not come naturally to me - in fact I renounced them as a sign of weakness. But my own best behavior and thinking at the time got me into a world of pain so I just stopped thinking "I know best" and went to AlAnon with an open mind and an open heart (and definitely open tear ducts at the beginning!). My resistance to AlAnon gave me some parallel insight into how hard the struggle must have been for my father to find recovery, and how difficult it is for my brothers - to give up their alcohol, to ask for and accept help, to let go of their stubborn pride, try to work a program of recovery and follow directions and admit how bad things REALLY are. Because at the time- it seemed like I didn't want to give up my way of thinking...I resisted getting healthy! All that really changed when I worked at some of the stuff I learned in AlAnon... Oh - the other thing I heard someone share this once at a meeting: If you can't walk into AlAnon for yourself- do it for the person who is in that meeting who is waiting to hear your story - who needs to hear what YOU have to say tonight. That might appeal to the codependent in you long enough to get you in the door! Someone might need your help!! :-) Peace- B.

12-02-2008, 06:10 PM	#12 (permalink)
grewupinabarn Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: New Hampshire Posts: 357 Blog Entries: 11	Hi Jennygirl, Your experiences with alcoholism are very different from mine, but I have found that everyone finds healing and release at Alanon meetings. The next time you go to a meeting, as you park your car, know and remember that the many good people here are with you and behind you. Last weekend I went to a Saturday Alanon meeting and had not eaten since breakfast. Needless to say I was ravenous. But the hunger of the spirit was greater, so I went in. It was another attendee's birthday and they had a very big cake! Not the most nutritious dinner but my stomach was as satisfied as my soul when the meeting was over.

12-03-2008, 03:43 PM	#15 (permalink)
sicilia1414 new and scared. :( Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: chicago, il Posts: 114	Hi Jenny, I am right there with you....I am 3 days sober and planning on attending my first meeting tonight after work. It's 5.30 pm at the meeting is at 7.30 I am scared sh*tless! I have been so sick to my stomach all day I couldn't even eat. I am scared I am not going to like it. I am scared I am going to walk in and there will only be 4 poeple there, and they are all gonna stare at me. I am also scared I am going to walk in and there are going to be 100 people, and half of them I will know or will know me or my family. Thank you all for all of your support and wonderful advice, I just hope that everyone there tonight is as awesome and nice as you all are on here....

12-04-2008, 04:52 PM	#16 (permalink)
equinessa Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Mudgee NSW Posts: 68	Hi Jennygirl.......................wondering how it's going? Have you got as far as the door yet. Just me being a busy body?

12-04-2008, 06:19 PM	#17 (permalink)
jennygirl73 Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Birmingham, AL Posts: 62	Equinessa, I haven't been able to get away from work to try and go again. There is a meeting tomorrow at noon, and I am hoping to try that one again. Strange week! Tuesday night, I came home with my daughter (3 1/2) after work, and AH was home. Sober too as far as I could tell. But angry! He decides that he is going to take our daughter to dinner, just the 2 of them. Well, she gets as far as the door and won't go without me. She starts crying and yelling "I wanna stay with mommy!" He tells her that mommy isn't invited. I try and calm her down, and tell her that it's okay, mommy isn't hungry. She won't have it. I resist the urge to say anything, and take her back upstairs. I know that had to have hurt him, but what can I say? If he had been home every night for the past 3 years instead of out drinking, maybe she would want to spend more time with him. She tells me that she doesn't like daddy all the time, and I know it's because when he is here, he isn't feeling well, and has a short fuse. He isn't violent, he just isn't very nice. I tell her that's not nice, that daddy loves her. So! Last night, I had the opportunity to go for a nice dinner. Cap One is one of my lenders at work, and the rep was in town and invited me to dinner. Work dinner, but free food! I never get to go because of my AH. So this time I decided to go. Well after I dropped off our daughter here at home, as I was leaving, AH started being very nasty and accusing me of cheating on him! He was so serious. I would never cheat, have never cheated and have never even thought about cheating. He was so serious! I cannot believe that he has allowed himself to believe this lie! Why would you talk yourself into believing that your wife is cheating on you? Why would you internalize that painful horrible lie? I really don't get it. However, since I have been reading so much about his alcoholism, I knew it was a classic behavior for an alcoholic. I realized that he was simply trying to get me upset before dinner so that I either would back out and not go, or that I would go and be miserable. I am trying to not take all of this so personally. It's just so hard! Where in the jolly-ranchers did my husband go?

12-04-2008, 06:30 PM	#19 (permalink)
Bernadette Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Boston Posts: 1,352	I realized that he was simply trying to get me upset before dinner so that I either would back out and not go, or that I would go and be miserable. Exactly -- quack quack quack! It's a fairly common topic at AlAnon meetings - how to detach. Detachment allows you to create the space for yourself so that you can continue to do what YOU want and need to do and own those experiences (i.e. have a good time) just for you just for that day....it takes practice and focus- but it can be done! I hope you went to dinner and had a good time. Where in the jolly-ranchers did my husband go? Yeah its so sad but alcoholism is like a kidnapping - and yet the alcoholic holds the ransom too - they DO have a choice to ask for help, to choose sobriety and recovery...it is entirely their own choice to make each day. I spent a long time (years and years!!) wondering where did my brothers go? Where were my sweet, fun, intelligent, protective, gentle men??? I ached for their return from the depths of the bottle. When I started detaching and getting healthier and turned my thinking around I paid more attention to where they were going. To who they are today. The past was so far gone by the time I accepted it -- I probably wouldn't have recognized them if they had suddenly returned to their old selves! I am such a dreamer - I have to really make an effort to stay in today and in REALITY - everything is more manageable and less painful when I'm dealing with the reality of how things are NOW. Peace- B.

12-04-2008, 06:42 PM	#20 (permalink)
jennygirl73 Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Birmingham, AL Posts: 62	I like that ducky, pretty darn cute. AH just got home and texted me from the basement. He wants me to come see him so we can talk about it. I think he has been drinking, and I wonder if he is finally going to apologize to me, and if so will I find the strength to not cave in!! I wonder if he has divorce papers or something. I know if he has been drinking that I should walk away... right?? I have to get our daughter settled and to bed first, and I replied that I would be down after I got her to bed, and asked if he was going to be mean to me. I am tired of him being so mean! I sound like a kid, huh?

12-04-2008, 08:51 PM	#24 (permalink)
Bernadette Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Boston Posts: 1,352	Oh man. What an ugly scene. Sorry you are hurting right now.... How did I get here??????? A very very good question that you probably can't answer right this second. Easy does it. Now is not the time to be hard on yourself. Gather your strength and courage. I needed the help of a weekly counseling session to help me figure out the answers to questions like that after my divorce. (((((hugs))))) B.

12-04-2008, 08:59 PM	#25 (permalink)
jennygirl73 Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Birmingham, AL Posts: 62	I need a lawyer. I have to do this the right way, and I can't afford to make mistakes. I can't believe how scary he was. I think I am in shock.

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